{Why'd you have to be so clueless?.

20090625

6/25/2009 12:30:00 PM

I am typing this to create a restore point for myself (or at least one before I lose my mind). I have a few questions to answer and of course... a few answers to give.

***

Perhaps my imagination has run wild; I do not know. All that I've confirmed would be the existence the voices in my head, the ringing in my ears and that of the disturbing hallucinations/flashbacks which appear before my eyes. I shout, scream, yell into emptiness, only to realise that I'm stared at for being such a neurotic chap.

I've got migraines - the frequent throbbing/aching types which affect my movement. I've got nerve issues due to those migraines. I haven't got the time to take my medication due to my work. Am I going nuts?

I'm currently keeping the anxiety at bay, but for how long more? What am I thinking? No... I've got to concentrate before anything else happens. But what's making things worse is that I've got to maintain my sanity... No, that's making me insane. Gotta clear my mind of voices, images, whatever...

If you're reading this, do not let me harm you. I can't control my mind the way it used to be...

***

Communication is the key.

20090609

6/09/2009 10:04:00 PM

It's been months since the disposal of those dreaded emotions.

Some of acquaintances have asked...
"So how's it going with life?"
"So whom are you with now?"
"We should meet up some time... how about Wednesday?"
"Dude, you free for breakfast?"
"Hey, wanna go for some tea?"
"Bro, are you coming for the BBQ this Saturday?"

I've always replied...
"Sorry dude, I'm really busy now.."
"I'm really apologetic, but my boss seems rather flustered with work at the moment..."
"Perhaps some other time? I'll owe you a drink for this, alright?"
"Nah, I've got an urgent meeting to attend to at the moment!"
"Nope, gotta attend some function/dinner/ anything that sort..."

Then from those whom I cherished...
"What are you doing now?"
"Will you be home today?"
"Are you coming home for dinner?"
"Are you alright?"

I've always assured them...
"I'm kinda busy, but yea, what about? Don't worry, you've always got me around!"
"I'll be home, but late."
"Dinner would be great, but it's overtime for me..."
"Yeah, I'm fine, the stress is good for me =)"

And finally...
I started to wonder if i'm getting things right... I went out on a 'date' today... only to realise that I forgot to bring my emotions. Am I really fine? Or have I been neglecting my smile for too long? I've forgotten whom I was; and before I would die physically, the loss of my emotions might be the sole cause for my physical illnesses.

Am I even mentally sane? What have I become? Am I really alright? I can't remember whom I was; I can't remember whom I should be...

They had all advised me upon this issue...
"Be YOURSELF!"

I've always muttered under my breath...
"Who is this myself? Is it someone whom you define me to be? I can't find myself... at all."

***

Goodnight.