{Why'd you have to be so clueless?.

20061130

11/30/2006 10:46:00 AM

Ok... In the law of equivalence which i stated months ago, i mentioned that any amount of input will reap you the same amount of output. Any amount of output that you reap will be repayed in future with an input of the same amount. With that, the world will continue it's cycle with all it's matter in a balanced state. Now, imagine, if this law of equivalence was in some way disrupted... What would happen eventually? Chaos? I don't quite care... All i want is to say that no matter what happens, even if chaos actually strikes, the law will still remain a constant and it will still be a part of our lives. Ok.. it's a little too complicated for some to understand, pardon me for making such free speech...

Anyway, I don't wish to complain because i don't wanna be like those spoiled, pampered children who would take everything around them for granted... I cherish everything around me. There are times in which i feel that some things aren't of equivalence... but the future is not ours to see, so you might never know if the best is gonna come the next moment or not... yea, so.. whatever hardship i go through now, they accumulate to the amount of input that i should give in order to get some output of equivalent value someday in future, even if i only receive it at my deathbed.. maybe all that input might be worth my while after all, I'll never know.

So i'm gonna tell a story, that'll describe my situation in a very.. abstract way...
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It was an extremely starry night out there... There was this hill, where an old couple usually sat to watch the stars at night. There was this huge yew tree looming over the couple as they gazed at the stars.

"It's been a long time, this tree has been with us for a very long time, since we were kids..." The old man, who was roughly over 80 years of age, muttered to his wife in a hoarse voice.

"Yeah, I can still remember that you were on this hill planting it in the middle of the night... Oh, there was a beautiful meteor shower then too... and that was where we met..."

The old couple chatted lovingly. They were childhood friends who knew each other since the day the old lady saw the old man on that hill with the meteor shower and all.

***

The history of that hill was known to all of the villagers who lived at the foot of that hill. 12 years before that yew tree was planted, an asteroid fell from a sky during a meteor shower and struck the peak of the hill where the current yew tree stood. For 12 years, no one dared to climb the hill even though the view at the peak was spectacular.

***

So.. the tree has been with them for more than 60 years... The old couple had gotten so used to sitting under it for star gazing and some sweet talk. Never did they know that it was going to be the last day for them... The meteor shower came, they went "OOOOOhhh... like when we first met... Beautiful... wish it lasted forever.." and WHAM! The tree gets toasted together with the old couple...

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There are 2 morals to this short "sad" but.. I would say.. "amusing" story, because it came to an abrupt ending with the WHAM! and all.. ok.. I'm sadistic, face it.

1 -- Be careful of what you wish for. (this is the obvious one that any idiot can infer from the story)

2 -- Anything that comes in minute amounts are what we tend to overlook; Anything that comes in excess are what we tend to shun from... This is basically depicting the law of equivalence when there is an imbalance.

If you think all this is totally irrelevant, you should leave my blog now. but if you agree, feel free to tag and discuss about this. My life currently is filled with unbalanced equations of equivalence that are waiting to be solved... I have the solution, as in, i have the solution in my mind, but it'll require the help of others, be it my family or whoever. But i guess i can't voice it out. I understand that no matter what solution that we might have, if it requires more than that individual to fulfill it, then it's not worth fulfilling unless a strong diplomatic bond is forged.

What i'm trying to say is that... there are some cases whereby i feel that i'm so stifled... but then i think again.. perhaps it's an input for and output to reap in future. i won't complain... I won't hope.. without hope.. without expectations... then one can live a life without complaints. nah.. whatever..

20061129

11/29/2006 08:50:00 PM

Really happy today... Finally, I finally found a student with great potential... just that it hasn't been stretched to its fullest yet. Here's the evaluation:

> Went through the H2 Chemistry Promo paper 1.
> Fast learner, but weak foundation due to laziness and lack of interest.
> Full of potential, listens attentively, so there's still hope for an "A".
> Doesn't look "sian" while i'm talking. A job well done for the first session.

This is the first time i had such a good impression towards any of my students. I'd never seen such enthusiasm amongst my students before and yes, it does bring about a sense of satisfaction when i know that i'm not taken for granted. Thanks in bunches, I'll do my best to light the path ahead for you, and we'll work hard together to get that "A" for you. Keep up the good work!!

Nothing much today after some really long debrief for the China trip in school. The teachers ordered Canadian Pizza for lunch... (Canadian pizza was never the best around, but well, i love pizzas, so it doesn't really matter anyway... haha)

ok.. nothing else.. got pretty much to catch up these days... studies and all.. gotta go work work work and work harder... I should, I would, I will, I must!! And well, keigo seems to be going pretty well for me, at least... it's finally integrated into my character, so.. that's the new homonculus i guess? Hope you all like the new guy around!! haha...

20061128

11/28/2006 11:27:00 PM

day 7, 8 and 9.. nothing much other than climbing that slippery great wall and seeing snow on saturday morning at 1 plus in am...

Overall... i really wish to thank the people from the trip who understood who i really was, am and will be. It was them that i was recreated. Without them, i would've continued to remain in my world of darkness and despair. Without them, i would once again see PJC like my sec sch.. just another stepping stone towards my dream, and nothing more. They brought me lots of joy.. and for the first time.. i finally felt sadness when i parted with a bunch of humans... I realised.. i realised that i was human once again... and that they were the ones who pieced me together, piece by piece with great patience...

Also.. to that very special person whom i met (i guess you might be reading this now..).. even though you seem sooo similar to that person.. you're you, nothing can change that fact. But the fact is that i did have a crush on you and i can guarantee that it's only a crush, nothing more. But of course, i won't say anything more yet.. crushes can go on for very long though... haha.. but i guess.. starting any relationship in JC is just another way to get hurt. But really, i think that you're really someone more or less.. able to understand what i'm saying.. haha, so keep up on it. I really look forward to maintain this friendship and not jeapordise it with any other crap, unless the time really comes, the future still remains to be as foggy as ever.

11/28/2006 11:43:00 AM

This will be an extremely long post... bear with me if you're really interested in knowing every comment i made during the China trip... here goes nothing...

Day 1, Saturday, 18 Nov 2006
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Arrived in Beijing at 23 06 hrs. The weather was fine, i was only wearing 1 layer of clothes. Then we had this really long bus ride to the hotel... and that was when, i really found someone so similar to me. From personality traits to hygiene habits and the way we speak. Whatever, i was happy, finally, i could smile naturally.

Now to complain about the hotel. We checked in and the first thing that came to my mind was WATER... we checked the thermoflask, ok it was fine... until we started boiling some water for drinking... guess what we saw? White precipitate in colourless solution!! eeeewww... ok, so we boiled a new flask of water, and we still got the same result... thus, we concluded that our flask was really screwed up and China water was really left untreated.... (poor chinarians... no pure water for them...).

Next, out of 4 electrical sockets there were only three working ones. Thus resulting in the so-called suite looking really empty. (i called it suite because my room had quite a huge area compared to the rest). yea.. so my room appeared really dark.

The wallpaper at several areas were torn apart, hangers in the wardrobe were all defected... and they call themselves a 3-star hotel.. LOL!!

"China has this (x + 1) star rule.. where "x" is the actual number of stars that was given for the rating."

We didn't sleep that night, two gals came over and chatted till 05 45 next morning. (we finished unpacking our stuffs only at 02 35 hrs.)

Day 2, Sunday, 19 Nov 2006
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Breakfast at the hotel was ok. It was a buffet with dishes ranging from appetisers to desserts. Fried rice was the best among all because it was the only familiar dish...

Went lunching at some China-ish restaurant. Nothing much, rice was the best dish since it was the only thing that wasn't "infested" with salt or oil... Ok, everything went well until i requested for a glass of lukewarm water from a passing waitress. She said ok... but i waited DHL for it. (DHL = damned hell long... so now you know you shouldn't ship via DHL.. it's damned hell long.. hahaa...).

Ok, that's still fine, humans err at times anyway. I went up to the counter and asked for it again. This time, it really came... but the thing is.. she brought me a glass of boiling hot water!! I said LUKEWARM in chinese.. hello?? nevermind, shan't complain too much, dun wanna be complain king, just being sarcastic.. haha

Pardon my STM.. all i can remember from here is forbidden city... which really wasn't that "forbidden" after all. nothing much to say here...

The best place we went today was the supermarket!! I'm a natural shopper when it comes to daily necessities!! haa.. My roommate and i bought 3 x 4L bottles of mineral water, some snacks and stuff. and it only costed like S$8!!! OMG!! so cheap, the SOL in china is really low!! (SOL = Standard of Living)

oh.. before i forget, kudos to those who were members of the "back of the bus Choir"!!
I love those people.. haha..

That's all, nothing much, we went straight to bed after washing up in the hotel that night...

Day 3, Monday, 20 Nov 2006
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Let "X" be Attached High School of Capital Normal University.

As usual, had breakfast at the hotel... now wait a minute.. why are they serving the same fare of food again? It's ok, that's fine, just have to adapt to the environment and culture.

We departed for X and attended some flag raising ceremony which was really chilly.. (not chilli). Anyway, Mrs Tan spoke to the Principal of X in english before the flag raising... guess what the Principal of X replied? He said that among all that she has said, he could only understand a third of it.. LOL.. ok, i won't laugh at him.. heee.. okok.. i feel so evil now for writing this.. haha.. well.. can't help it..

ok.. what else.. oh ya, the canteen!! There were no stalls!! OMG! ALL CATERED FOOD!! AGAIN!! Man.. i really take my hat off to all those china students.. imagine eating the same food everyday for 4 years.. that's hell..

Attached to one of the classes, they weren't actually very warm people... sigh.. i thought they weren't anyway, so.. nah, it wasn't a disappointment.. Classes in chinese weren't all that bad.. they were studying kinematics and languages while we were there. Oh, and i almost dozed off in the middle of that Chinese lesson..

Then there was dinner outside X and back to hotel for debrief and yadda yadda.. more or less.. slept rather "early" cos it's some "am" already.. hee.. ok, not funny.

Day 4, Tuesday, 21 Nov 2006
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Breakfast was still the same thing. SIGH...

Schooled at X... Still the same things... SIGH....

Returned to hotel to change into formal clothing for some peking duck at some far away place. umm.. so on the bus.. i sang non-stop for 1.25 hrs (i hope i didn't irritate anyone..). mm..

Peking duck was such a disappointment.. so oily.. there was oil everywhere.. I feel that china has an abundance of OIL!! not petroleum, but OIL and also SALT (Sodium Chloride)!! Singapore's Peking duck is soooooooooooooooooooooooo much better.

Day 5, Wednesday, 22 Nov 2006
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ok.. Let "Breakfast was still the same thing. SIGH..." be "A".
Let "Lunch was still the same thing. SIGH..." be "B"
Let "Dinner was still the same thing. SIGH..." be "C"

Then again... A. hmm.. B and C also..

Tsinghua University.. got some gifts in bulk there... so.. yea. get ready to receive gifts.

hmm.. what else, nothing much...

Day 6, Thursday, 23 Nov 2006
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A, B, C. umm.. went to X to do some pottery crap, didn't really make anything. I tried to craft 5 times, and they were all failed attempts, darn, so just.. gave up.

Went to this Old summer palace after that. VERY NICE!!! I love to explore ruins!! I love adventures!! Edmund and I were running in front of the group, both wielding our cameras as weapons, taking pictures whenever and wherever we could. Yea, we rock...

20061118

11/18/2006 01:05:00 PM

My last post before i depart for Changi airport... After this china trip... i will complete my creation. I shall be re-created so that i can step on this Earth once again, with a pure mind. I don't know how many times i had done this... nonetheless, perhaps after many experiments of recreating myself, i seem to have lost my true personality... I've been reshaping and whatever... it somehow seems that i'm really.. different.

Great empires do rise and fall... it's time... it has finally come to a new era for a new empire to reign this body!!
The future i seek, may it bestow the empire with faith and motivation. May all that was lost be lost until they should be revived once again. May my judgement i passed upon myself... BE SERVED!

I'll miss all of them.. all of those who cares for me. bubye!!

20061117

11/17/2006 08:16:00 PM

whatever that was mentioned.. whatever that she asked today at the debrief.. i'm sure she was referring to me... the day when i just didn't want to take her advice... sigh.. but nvm.. it doesn't matter as long as i'm a good tutor or friend.

So.. i'll be leaving for China tomorrow... somewhere.. deep down inside the heart of steel.. there was this wisp that lurked... a wisp of hope; a wisp that seemed existent yet inexistent at the same time. I'm so afraid that the wisp might die due to my excessive use of keigo to conceal my feelings and emotions... and yes, i do sense that its end is drawing near...

Before i leave... i actually intended to imprint a part of my memory on to some people whom i trust... but i guess... perhaps, i'm just getting inexistent in their lives as the time passes by... No one would bother, i'd just be forgotten by them, like a leaf which had turned brown in autumn that is blown off by the breeze... Is that beautiful? I really love to see leaves falling from the trees at times... but come to think of it now... imagine if the tree is a normal human being, and every leaf that falls represents every single person you lost in your life. they can be your friends, your loved ones, etc.

But, even with my exemplification, i can never depict the scene where an individual loses someone inexistent to him or her. The one that's lost may be just someone who seemed familiar to the individual... However, there might be cases whereby... the tree might actually mean the whole world to that leaf... and to be forgotten like that... perhaps, the pain is just so... dreadful...

I'm really sad... i miss my family, i know they'll miss me... what if i took the effort to miss my friends... will they feel it? in actual fact... do they even treat me as a friend? i tried ways and means to make more friends, be it to take in more students... but i guess, my existence is really flickering. i don't seem to feel their warmth anymore... ever since that thing happened, i just can't seem to feel the care and concern from them. Ever since it happened... my firewall turned active, and all my defenses sprung to Defcon 1. i can't blame it.. all i can do is blame myself. Why can't i just walk out of it... yet i can't let her know.. that it's still so painful; that i still fear the places we went; that i'm still unable to let go.

But well, who cares... who cares.. i'm just writing out my feelings, i need a place to express them... i need a place to vent it all out.. and here it is. Sigh.. i'm sure she's happy now, because i no longer bother her and that i assured her that we're just friends. I'm trying my best to be happy... i'm really trying.

Will this continue?

and now... everyone whom i trust is ignoring me (except my family)... do i deserve it? Why?? I really hate all relationships except family relations... i hate them all!! why can't someone show me the brighter side?? why must i see the dimmer side throughout for all these 5 years since secondary school??? WHY??

I mean, here i am, trying to recreate my existence.. and there they are, destroying the smallest details of my particles.. i'm trying to "reboot" my system.. and there they are implanting more viruses.. What the hell is this? IF ALL OF YOU WANT ME TO CONTINUE HATING HUMANS, THEN BE LIKE THAT!! DO THAT TO ME MORE!!

I really don't wish to turn into some evil freak in the future... i don't wish to be cruel... i want to continue with my keigo.. i want to be nice.. but how is it possible is such a cruel environment? Is there anyone who'll really be there for me, other than my family??? I can do the same for all of you, why can't you show me that you're worth it?

Perhaps all of you must have a taste of regret... then you'll cherish those whom are around you. All of you take everything around you for granted.. as though they came from the sky like rain or somewhat... wait till someone close to you leaves this world... then you'll feel regret.. then you'll feel despair... All of you are just too fortunate to understand such logic... Sigh.. pathetic pampered children of the new generation...

20061116

11/16/2006 08:09:00 PM

Finally.. finally feel as though there is a huge gap between us.. that's why, that's why i wanted to say this before i leave for China... just in case anything happens and i won't even have the chance to say it...

"Let's just be friends, i know it took a long time before i can say this... but, i guess i finally thought it through... perhaps... until we're really ready for one another, we should just stay as what we are now.. just as friends."

I'm really in great doubt about whether she even reads this blog nowadays... but it.. doesn't really matter anymore, i dun wish to trouble her anymore with my feelings. Take care (if you're reading this..).. and.. i really hope that we returned to normal... and.. well, if all goes well, i'd still... be waiting.
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I remember once... my mom told me when i was quite young... (i wouldn't have remembered unless it was really a deep memory that was imprinted into my mind..). She said she went to somewhere to try out her luck with a fortune teller... and well, the fortune teller told her... that i was born under some dumb star that will bring about much disruption (or rather a comet that goes crashing everywhere). And now? I think it's really surfacing on to reality...

So.. the more friends i make.. the more people i hurt... i'm tired.. i'm tired of all this, i mean, it's not that i'm superstitious.. but.. there's always evidence in whatever which happened that even the greatest of all "brainwashers" could never erase... So now.. perhaps i've just added one more piece of evidence?

Seen a lot of shattered souls walking around in this year.. i can't help them... because.. i'm one of them. And even if i could, the best i could do was only to help them relight that flame in their heart.. so that they still managed to exist in this world. how's mine doing? can't you all see it? or maybe all of you aren't even giving a damned about my existence..

i've thought it through.. i've learnt that i have to be happy... and i'll strive for it. But... there are many restrictions around.. and.. keigo must be used here and there... Just FYI.. keigo sometimes seems like a mental suicide. Doing it too much will cause great disruption to the mind, but nonetheless, it's only necessary to shield that already shattered soul away from others.. thus.. perhaps.. this act must carry on... until i think i'm ready. until i think i'm fine..

Some of you might think why am i writing all this... some of you might think it's just a story that was whipped up by me. It's up to you to decide... but i can promise that it's credible.

20061115

11/15/2006 08:13:00 PM

Somehow.. somewhere deep in the 4th dimension... my memories... and hers... perhaps we did meet one another there... and perhaps.. we did forge a bond that the 3rd dimension could not see... but.. then again, i guess, it was all because of one single person in the 3rd dimension.. who destroyed everything. That's me.

We were.. we weren't and.. we'll never be. Even if i open my heart to feel now... i can't feel her warmth, even though i'm still.. so devoted... nah.. all good things come to an end... even those long lasting relationships. If you want proof on this matter, i can show you the proof. If you manage to stumble across one of World Scientific's books, something about dimensions and such... you'll realise that, those in the 3rd dimension will perish while the 4th would remain in eternity until they promote to the 5th. So what i'm driving at here.. is that we as humans, will die one day, and the memories that once lived with us.. they will never die.

You might ask why.. The reason why we die is because we are made up of matter. However, memories don't die... as they are formed with fragments of time. It was written in that book that... the 3rd dimension is where matter exists; 4th is where time fills the arena; 5th is space. So... memories are created because time was spent in our lives as an exchange for them to live on.

What if... our memories are to be taken away... The matter in this body will disintegrate. Reason being, the time we invested is actually our entire lives... so if that amount of time is taken away, it's akin to killing ourselves... Get it? Take some time to digest.
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The good and the evil... bad memories last forever and they tend to cover up the good ones. Good memories tend to last for only a short period of time. Why is it so? I'm curious and at the same time.. i just can't seem to figure out.. why is the human brain so particular about such issues...

Good memories tend to start chain reactions to create more good memories.. this will ensure that the chain of good memories will not disappear due to their short lifespan.. but all it takes.. is just one bad memory. Imagine, the good memories are like the words written on a whiteboard by a marker, whereas that bad memory is that whiteboard duster that wipes off the trail of good memories..

Would you want that duster to be at that scene? I'm sure that you would want the marker to carry on writing.. but you know.. there are some things in life that can never be controlled. Why do some people choose to be the duster? If only this world had more markers and less dusters.. (but it's a theoretical fact that there are more markers on sale in bookstores than dusters!!). Every time when the duster takes action, another marker will be converted into a duster, with the sole reason of trying to protect oneself from having more memories to be erased..

Sigh.. i want to be the marker... i want to continue to create good memories. I want to be optimistic.. but somehow.. the way she treats me and whatever.. it's like having a duster that's hot on the marker's heels... If only it returned to normal.. if only we both held markers and not dusters.. perhaps, things wouldn't have became so sour for the two of us. sigh.. even though she said that it was back to normal.. it still kinda seemed like she was holding a duster in the guise of a marker.. tch.. but i can't do anything rite? i can't talk about such stuff anyway.. i shan't let it affect my effectiveness in being their tutor.. somehow.. deep inside my shattered heart.. perhaps i just yearned for better treatment from her.. or rather.. everyone else. With that, i can really stop my endless oscillations...

20061114

11/14/2006 05:53:00 PM

"What that was once yours will never be yours again once it's lost."
"What that was never yours, might be yours someday."
"What that is to be yours, will be yours one day."
"What that is lost and you failed to protect, might return to be yours if you correct yourself."
"What that is lost and it's something that is not under your protection, will never return once it's lost..."
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I heard.. that there are people who grow to be afraid of me after reading what i wrote in this blog... I think i really need some quiet time alone.. no school, not knowing new people, not meeting those whom i know... I think i really need to be like a hermit for a while. I just realised... my mistake, of not following the rules of speaking in keigo. Now i've offended everyone... i need space.. i need to be left alone... but i need to be left alone and at the same time feel that i'm needed by others... That's the only way to recover.

And you know what? Some of you may not know what i had been through... so.. you may not be in the right position to advise me... it's really not that i don't wish to take your advice, but, i'm too.. irrational now. And i'm aware that i had let two of my most trusted people down. One of whom.. i loved deeply, another whom i respected greatly. I must start using keigo again...

I know my mistake, and i'm working on it. But really... to the one whom i respected greatly, it took some great thinking in order to come down to such a hurtful decision. But you know? Since i've said it myself, i shall honour my words.. and perhaps, walk the plank.
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Something else.. in any relationship, there's bound to be a party who gives more and the other who'll give less but accept more. Now, who do you think will be the one who is happier? Let me tell you.. after much analysis.. The one who'll feel the "amplitude" of the entire relationship.. will be the one who gives more. Whereas.. the acceptor.. will only feel ripples of either happiness or sadness... So let me ask you.. which one would you want to be? The donor? or the acceptor?

I've been the donor all along.. and all i got.. were negative amplitudes. I did get positive ones, but they weren't as high in frequency as the negative ones.. think of it.. if you were given a choice.. at the start of life.. which one will you choose to be? I'd rather be the donor... I'd rather feel everything. But.. doing so means not caring about oneself as much as to care for the other party.. then one will get hurt in the process.. The choice is up to each and every individual to decide...

PS: I won't talk about my emotions anymore, it doesn't matter to anyone... and.. i'm sorry, from now on.. i'll just talk to the both of you about work.. because, i really want to maintain our relationship. Accept my humble apologies, for now.. i shall use keigo to speak to both of you and perhaps, everyone else...

11/14/2006 12:18:00 AM

Perhaps.. perhaps.. the final move that i'm making.. will cause many to see me as a disappointment... I know my parents will support me all the way..

I can't trust anyone now.. everyone is just so... artificial. Even my students whom i've taken in... perhaps i should just stop teaching, cos i let them both down. What's the point of even teaching them.. when i can't even hold my own head high up? Besides... i can't teach people whom i can't even trust... I don't want to be someone who is trying to prove... because those who try to prove.. are those who aren't willing to prove... I have my pride. And i know, that pride is a sin. But... without pride, one will never have his or her own character... HAHA.. I'm feeling so selfish now...

Is this the cause of my loneliness? Sometimes, i think people are afraid of me... For the rest of the time, they have their own cliques. And.. I'll be left alone. Sigh.. too used to it... Perhaps i'm even immune... For all i know, sometimes... the loneliness i feel... such monotone... such stagnation in life... IT'S DAMNED HELL PAINFUL... and... somehow, i really wished (wishes don't come true...), that i had a true friend.. but all i had.. were... just others who cared about themselves more than others... Perhaps, my kind... has long been extinct. Perhaps..

Actually... i really want to be happy, i want to be happy like everyone else.. but no one.. no one can be trusted outside these 4 walls.. I'm sick and tired of everything... No one.. no one can be my external pillar. I feel like falling.. i feel lost... I can sacrifice all my successes in life so far.. in exchange for happiness... Why... Why can't i be happy??????????

Do i.. must i? must i try to salvage something that's.. already.. lost? In the end.. when i depart for some distant land.. perhaps.. i won't be missed by those outside these walls...

20061113

11/13/2006 07:15:00 PM

Today's post won't contain much deep thoughts.. it's pretty bad today, can't seem to think straight either.

PW officially ended today. Studying mode surfaced this morning. Migrain strikes again after studying mode was re-established. How sickening... When everything seems to efficient and all.. my health seems to deteriorate as well.. Arggghh... I really wish to study.. i wish to just block everything off.. and study like i once did, 2 weeks before the promos.

I want to grasp that EE... I want it badly... but i won't know till next year. So, best not to dwell too much into it. Anyway, this morning, met my sec sch friend at 0615 hrs at West coast market.. only to realise that it will be closed for "spring cleaning" for two days.. DANG! ok.. whatever. So, we went to some 24 hr Kopitiam behind the market, and i tell you.. the Nasi Lemak there is HOLY great!! (but the chilli for the nasi lemak looked sucky.. so forgot about trying it..)

So.. I took the 189 bus to Clementi Central.. then continued with the MRT to sch.. And there it was.. i saw it, it was rather huge... The World Scientific building was gleaming in the morning sun... Imagine, that's really where i'll be attached to... ok, whatever, none of your business anyway. Unless you ask about it, i won't say a word.

As usual, i walked the path to school everyday. Yes, at times.. i still looked to my right but, no one's there, so heck.. well.. i usually walk on the left. haha.. And yea, i'm so blur, so.. ya, i took a pretty long time to cross that road... no, it wasn't any pedestrian crossing. Just a road which was pretty wide... and usually had a bus parking on the side of that road, making it hard to see if there were incoming cars. At this point in time, usually i'd move to walk on the right side. oh well, nah, nothing.

Anyway, it was pretty warm this morning.. and well i reached school at 0740 hrs.. "on the dot" for a normal school day. Nah, nothing to elaborate here either. So.. i went to one of the empty classrooms on first floor to do some self study. By 0955 hrs, i completed carbonyl compounds and half of carboxylic acids and derivatives. tch.. my efficieny seems to be deproving ever since my flame of existence flickered then. Lacking of motivation i guess..

OP.. OP went well, with that remote control thingy and all.. i think my group was the best in the block of 3 groups for that room.. so.. kudos to my group members yea? There it goes, migrain struck after we presented.. wasn't feeling too good then.. but somehow, ever since i had migrains again, my memory seemed to improve a ruddy lot.. as in, i can remember everything from the start of the day till the end of the day... Sigh, somehow.. i guess, when you're monotonous, you can remember things better.. when you have your ultra UPs or ultra DOWNs... it's highly unlikely that you'll be able to recall everything that happened within that day.. or even perhaps, a few minutes ago.

Went for GM after which, remained expressionless throughout. Welco head and his antics, i'm sorry, no effect on me. President was trying to get me to smile a bit, i tried, but only managed to fake one. Sigh.. where's the happiness in council? Patrick Tong as usual, i suddenly caught his eye today, and.. perhaps i sense too much, or maybe.. the killing intent in his eyes... they were too glaring for me. Whatever, none of your business anyway.

That's all for my rantings today, sorry i wasn't able to produce something which is of some depth like all of my other posts... Just.. feeling off form i guess.. haha.. even laughter.. is faked, just to please others.

20061112

11/12/2006 02:29:00 PM

"Oh! What a coincidence, didn't expect to see you here though... So, what is your purpose in being here at this time?"

"Was just following my parents around for shopping and whatever... How about you?"

"Grabbing gifts for my pals... Christmas is just round the corner yeh know?"

At some point in time... have you ever wondered... why are there coincidences? Or rather, are they actually pre-destined? Were they actually planned before we were even born? But... have you ever thought about it this way... Are coincidences... inevitable?

I mean, i do not have the right to conclude on this matter.. but somehow, somewhere in space and time, we do meet certain individuals... who might, in some way or another, affect our future. In fact, those whom you might meet, be it your friends, your spouse, your enemies... Meeting these people is actually inevitable. And if in any situation which might result in you parting with them... it isn't a coincidence.. it's actually inevitable too...

Humans are being "programmed" in such a way, where they tend to look back at their past... and sort of brood over it. It's only human nature. I'm still baffled... Why is it that one who lost one's memory would try ways and means to get it back... while one who still has one's memory want to forget about them soo much? But with this little query i have here... i can conclude that... The human race, is indeed sliding down... that slope of deterioration. Many people whom you see around, they seem to have forgotten, what it is like to be a "real" human being. You should all take some time off to observe. I finally understood, that i'm not that higher being... it is all of you humans who have deteriorated, not me who has attained a higher status.

Will all of you seek the path to improve? Or will you continue to stay the way you are? There are still some cases which are curable... but are they willing to be cured? Why do they want to continue with euthanising their minds? Why won't they return to the state of basic humanity?

But of course... the society today, it has more or less brought about the decline in the thought process among humans. It has weakened the foundation of trust between humans. But... is this also INEVITABLE? Is this really the factor that will determine the decline of the human race? Even so... many neurologists have stated, that humans are one of the smartest creatures to have existed on Earth... So what? If one is bestowed with such great intelligence... will one be able to be HUMAN?
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I keep stating the phrase "to be human...". Now, you figure out what i mean. Is it just a coincidence that you're visiting this blog? Or rather, is it actually inevitable?

20061111

11/11/2006 09:21:00 PM

hehehehehee... Complications which might cause the contemplating of conditions can be quite corrosive to the human world... BUT WHO CARES ABOUT THEM ANYWAY... they have failed him repeatedly, so why should he even give a damned aboout their feelings? To him, they're merely pathetic and puny creatures with hardly any sign of relatively basic human techniques... And guess what... he had given them many chances to correct themselves, but it's still to no avail. SO? HE'S FINALLY GIVEN UP IN THEM. No worries, he isn't god. He is none other than the author of this blog.

For how many years? Tch.. i can't remember... I just know... haha, that it's for you to unravel and me to know. Actually, this post is some perception i have to something that has been happening for the past few days. Just something that i must voice out.

"I am not complicated. I am just thinking deeper than any other human would. It is ALL OF YOU who interact with me and conclude that i am soooo complicated. It is all of you who view me as COMPLICATED. Those who read this... especially someone who thinks i'm too dramatic about things... perhaps, this is only what you see, but have you thought about all the questions i had asked? They were all simple questions... But can you answer them? Can you answer them, in such a way, that you will have no regrets with the answer you gave? LET ME TELL YOU ONE THING, I can answer them all, and i shall fulfill them."

"I shall be the one who sees justice above all. Anyone who defies Justice... they shall serve my judgement that is passed on them. For you, you might think that i'm melo-dramatic, but let me tell you something... some humans... are worse than animals. Are you one of those whom i deem pathetic?" hmmm...

In any case, continue tagging, I love challenges, it spurs me on... and I hate to lose... but, haha, i'm no sore loser, and i can swear with my life on that.

11/11/2006 04:45:00 PM

Monopoly... tch, i don't believe in luck... so.. it wasn't luck.. but the calculation of the angle of projection and the force the dice is given when it leaves the hand... nah, no one would have thought of it that way.. haha.. perhaps, i was thinking too much...

Recently, my little tagboard seems to be filled with anonymous tags... or rather, i term those whom i do not recognise as anonymous. Look, i appreciate people to tag... and at times, when some people manage to see things in the same angle as me.. i wish to know that person... and perhaps, return him or her a favour for whatever he or she might have written that might cause me to think twice about my actions.

Anyway.. i'm as stubborn as a mule... so, it's pretty hard to even get me to think twice, but i do appreciate the reader's concern. It's just that, in life, you really can't afford to dwell into the past too much... and, once the decision is made, there is no turning back. For all you might know, turning back may look more feasible, but what if, the road ahead which is left unseen turns out to be rougher than the original route? Decisions that are altered will change a person's destiny and the coincidences that one might face in the future.
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"When in face of a situation, don't look down, instead, look ahead of you..."

Now ask yourself... does it please you to change for others? or does it please you for others to change for you? Or would you rather prefer no one changed for anyone? Lastly, ask yourself after answering all those questions... why did you say so? If you're able to answer your own question in thorough detail, you should know what is your strongest purpose in life. Be it to serve yourself or to serve others... Think about it, if you're who you are... what would you sacrifice in order to maintain that way? Or would you try to improve yourself for the better? I'm sure none of you would want a path of self-destruction... haha.. have some time alone to think about all these questions...

Are you troubled because of the gloomy skies? If so, why? Isn't the rain what we've been yearning for under that hot sun? Doesn't the rain smell good? Even so.. are we really being restricted in our daily activities by the rain? The answer, to most commoners, is yes. But my answer is no.

Whatever that you might wish to do, whatever that you might even be doing now, it really doesn't matter what are the factors that affect it. You are who you are, just do what you want, as long as you know the limit of your own abilities...

In any case, if you feel or think that you mind is what you should follow, then follow it and block off all those emotions, and of course, vice versa. That's all i gotta say.. We'll see what happens later today, for i might post again.

20061110

11/10/2006 04:14:00 PM

There are certain times in which we humans come to consider a problem "unsolvable". However, is it really unsolvable? Perhaps only to that person who views the problem when he or she is involved in it. But by looking at the situation from another angle... A passerby might see a loophole in the problem and well, problem solved case closed.

The cause for having problems which seem unsolvable to that ruddy fella is due to his extremist mind that's filled with either only negative or only positive thoughts. You might then wonder, why is it that having only positive thoughts about the problem, might be a bad thing? Reason being, we have to be neutral in judging ourselves. If we were in any way biased towards ourselves, the only result will be failure in untying that knot in one's heart. In fact, if the situation is left unsolved for quite some time, unhappiness will start to brew. The knot will start to grow tighter, and eventually it'll end up as a dead knot with a hell lot of tension between the positive and the negative thoughts. Sigh.. is it hard to digest? take some time off then...

The passersby who actually cared about your well-being will try to look into what's going on.. Some of them fail to help you solve your problem. Reason being, they either tend to oppose your opinions so much that you refused to let them help you... or they are so biased towards you that they side you for everything you say.. now that's hell too.. haha.. either way, these people are what we call "the antagonists" and "the followers". Take some time to digest again before i move on.

Now what happens if there is an impartial passerby? He sees the problem clearly and spots a loophole... but yet, these people are hard to come by, for all they know is that you're none of their business even though they have a solution for you. They are those who are able to judge without having to feel for others by helping them. They are able to see what others may not. These are the friends everyone should make.

Somehow.. humans of such blood are so rare that they are almost extinct. Many humans thus tend to make do with whatever they have. They are satisfied by others whom might only seem like a beautiful hard cover of a not-so-best-selling book. And besides, some even shun those plain paperback bookcovers which might in turn be a best-seller in bookstores.. Again.. please take some time to understand what i wrote.

Nonetheless, humans of such blood, with minds equipped with extremely well thought principles, they can be cultivated. They are "the hermit"s. Give them some time (preferably a period of 4~6 years) to feel the wrath that will be incurred on them through silence from their surroundings, from their peers. After the time period, it all depends on the amount of scars a person has in his or her heart. If there is a sufficient number of scars, a new mindset will surface. This new mindset will guide him or her through the greatest of storms... for he or she will no longer fear the feeling of being hurt. He or she will no longer feel sad about the different happenings in life, neither will he or she feel happy about anything.

Will you want to achieve such a state of enlightenment? Or will you still live a life with that tightly tied knot?
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I have not achieved it yet... but the finishing line is near... should i pick up my pace and accelerate towards enlightenment? Or should i just drag my feet towards it?
Remember, enlightenment will require a huge sacrifice... better think through it carefully, is this what i really want?

20061109

11/09/2006 03:01:00 PM

So.. OP rehearsal went great.. and I got an EE (EXCEEDING EXPECTATIONS)!!.. I was elated, haha.. even though i spoke for more than 5 minutes (7 minutes to be exact) today, at least, i didn't really crap too much, neither did i get too formal with my presentation.

Today is also the day that i'm finally free from responsibilities, as in, i finally returned her those chem notes. Sigh, i wanted to return to normal, she doesn't want to, perhaps it was awkward for her. (am i giving her excuses?) I mean.. well, i talked to her, but she only gave me 1 word answers as usual since that time.. Saddening to see it become like that, but what more is there for me to do? What else could i do when [Effort] = [-Coincidence]? Put in less effort and hope that coincidence will at least... increase a little.

Anyway, enough of those sad stuff (Sad? sigh.. how does it feel like to be sad...). Went to Lot 1 with Huat, andrew and Gems for lunch. Ok, let's just get straight to the point, after food, we went to Popular™ then followed by Comix Connections™. After which, we went to the toilet, and this andrew asked us to use the 4th floor toilet... haha.. that's where all the action begins.

Ok, so basically, we met or rather i met a lunatic in the toilet. He was wearing a green T-shirt and some yellowish green (or greenish yellow) boxers... I would love to describe the scen in detail, but well, some gals patronise my blog, so better stick with the formalities. Anyway, he stared at me and opened his mouth to ask in a dazed manner, "Do you have $12.90 to lend me?"

And i replied, "No, I don't have $12.90 to lend you..."

He thought for a while, staring into blank space... then he asked once again, "You really don't have $12.90 to lend me?" I just shook my head, and continued doing what i should do while i was in the toilet. haha..

And yeh know what, they say that a human is most vulnerable when they're doing what they should do in the toilet... So, my imagination started to run a little wild. I thought of what i would do if he suddenly whipped up a knife and er.. stabbed me or somewhat... so, yea, such people are really unpredictable...

We all exited the toilet, and.. i told the rest of the guys about it. So they're imagination ran wild too.. One of them mentioned, "Maybe he went into a shop and the shop owner accused him of stealing a pair of pants... so.. he was forced to take off his pants to prove his innocence. And now he's asking for $12.90 to buy a new pair of pants?" Well, it sounded logical.. haha, and we all burst into laughter!!

Then another one went, "Maybe we should have played the same game with him too... when he asked to borrow $12.90, we can counter that statement by saying, 'But i think i need $13.00, can you lend me $13.00?'" HAHA.. that was really cynical.. in any case, it scared the hell outta me, cos, i'd have to admit that i was in such a vulnerable position that.. haha, yea, i wouldn't have been able to dodge any knife or weapon if he were to suddenly turn around and stab me just because of $12.90... I mean, if i were to meet such a situation somewhere else, I'd definitely have better control of the situation.. haha.. ok, that's all for today unless my inspiration strikes again later tonite.

20061108

11/08/2006 07:39:00 PM

There was once, long ago, where great magicians and emperors existed. They worked with one another closely to ensure that the kingdom is strong and well. The magicians provided the 4 elements to the citizens while the emperor managed all those politics and such. One empire reigned for a good millenium before greed took over the throne.

The ruler was an irrational, stubborn, yet confident chap. However, even with such a character, he had a kind heart. He was good with his relations. Never was there once in which he failed to please others. He was well-liked by magicians throughout the empire. Many obeyed his wishes until one FINE day...

"The Eastern Tribes have been harassing us for quite some time now, Sire, perhaps it would be a good idea to vanquish such a race," one of the emperor's most trusted magician advised in a low voice.

"Is it a must to destroy the very foundation of life? My.. my.. I see no err in their acts. It's only natural that they wanted a better life considering that they were only able to watch others enjoying... Get the financial advisor to take note of what i'm about to say... Send a cart of 100 gold bars to the Eastern Tribe." The emperor sounded calm, yet, there was a tint of light-heartedness in his speech.

Years have passed, the Eastern Tribes continue to harass the empire. Once again, the magicians requested to see the emperor. One of them spoke boldly, "Are you doing yourself a favour? Or are you doing them a favour? Sire, we have been providing for them for 5 years now... our coffers are running dry, in fact, some of us magicians who attend the court are hardly even paid for..."

"Oh is that so? Get the financial advisor to take note, send them 2 goldbars each for every court session they've attended..."

"But Sire, he just mentioned that our coffers are running dry..." The ever silent financial advisor spoke with a hoarse voice.

"Argh.. I'll go search for the tribe myself then, so that i can discuss things with them. I don't want any magicians to come along with me, lest some of you might wreck things up..."

He embarked on a journey that costed him his life. It's sad... but he deserved it. But actually, there was someone, there was someone who followed the emperor. He was none other than the emperor's most trusted magician... The emperor did not die in the hands of the tribesman... he was murdered by his trusted aide, with a bolt of lightning that struck through his heart.

He was merciless. It was actually him who collaborated with the tribes to continue attacking the empire. He was the one who took half the cart of gold bars when they were delivered to the tribes. He was the mastermind, he was the one who told the tribes that he would be giving 50 bars of gold for them to continue their attacks.

But look at the tribes now, they seem to have trusted the wrong person. If such a man were to do some sweet talking to win you over to plot against his master... what makes them think that the same man wouldn't plot against the tribe themselves? There was destruction in the Eastern valleys, great tremors were felt, fires blazed, rain poured, tornadoes blew past... Within seconds, the entire valley was "sterilised", and evil laughter could be heard echoing through it...

And there we go, the evil magician gets recognised by his efforts in eliminating the Eastern tribes. Since he was the emperor's most trusted magician and that the emperor didn't have any descendents... The evil chap automatically became the next ruler of the ever powerful empire...
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Figure out the moral yourself, there are a total of 4 of them lumped up in this short essay...

11/08/2006 03:33:00 PM

"May judgement be served; May it correct mankind; May it create a beautiful world for us to live in!
And for such great judgement to be passed... my existence shall be its sacrifice!!"

My existence need not be my material body. It's up to the reader to decide, as i had already gone through that sacrifice.

There are some things in which we can never understand in life. Why is it that there are some who clearly don't need me in their lives, but they still insist that my existence is necessary. Look, how can i even exist in your life when i'm not even sure if i existed in my own life? How can you make up a false story such that even the inexistent knows that it's all a LIE?

take some time to digest if you need to. i won't explain much.

I was vetting her chem notes today, she has the potential, and i feel that i'm not needed by her. so.. i guess it's only a matter of time in which i might stop being her tutor. She herself already has the ability to guarantee her own grades. And besides, I can't teach when i don't put my feelings into it. Now hold on a sec, why would i have feelings when i just destroyed my emotions? Precisely, i can't teach anymore unless she makes me feel that i'm important. If not, then i'll just care about myself, i need to rebuild my own existence.

One more thing, maybe it's just my mind, but, i sense that there's something following me. I don't care what it is, all i know is that it's getting really frustrating. Is there even pure JUSTICE in this world? If there isn't, I shall be JUSTICE. I shall be the one who'll pass judgement on those who do not follow the laws of being human. Those who disobey, they will pay with their future. All that i'm doing is for the good of all mankind. I want to be the one who'll change this world, I want to live in a world that can be trusted. I want to be respected for who i am and what i do. Nothing must come into my way... NOTHING... defy me, and you'll see what happens next...

That's all the thoughts i have for today... time to continue to vet the notes of someone who doesn't need me as much.

20061107

11/07/2006 09:30:00 PM

She was just so beautiful, but whatever.

Went to sentosa today, built my very first COMPLETE sandcastle... I'll always remember that every single visit to the beach were with my family. And... I was never able to build even the first wall of my sandcastle due to time constraints and difference in interests. I've always wanted to build what i built today, so.. it was kind of a design that i thought of 10 years back. Now i finally done it. That was my dream.. haha.. to build a sandcastle. Guess no one else would be willing to spend 4 hours under the hot sun to build a sandcastle. Perhaps they even think i'm stupid to do so.. but well, who cares...

Other than that, we played several games of captain's ball with that volleyball... how weird.. but it was really tiring. The game was somehow a little too quick. Once any team possesses the ball, that team will win for that match. sigh.. you can apply Nash Equilibria here if you want. I won't explain much, go wikipedia and look it up yourself.

I didn't go into the water, the rest did. Seems like i won the bet... someone said he'd get me down into the water.. but he didn't even try.. too bad. As we progress later towards the evening, the gals went to dip in the water... i was strolling along the beach.. looking for flat stones. Well, all i found were several rocks that WERE inhabited by corals and whatever. They had all died due to dehydration. So.. in any case, even as humans, we wouldn't want to die in a foreign land right? So i decided to send these poor deceased creatures back into the ocean. I threw them with all my might, such that it would reach somewhere further away from the shore so as to prevent them from being washed up again. Perhaps some people might think that i was just bored... but, if they had seen things from a different angle, maybe they would understand.

While i was doing so, i walked past the group of gals. Somehow... I think i overheard some stuffs. "It's not that........... he's just a loner......" that's all i heard, and i don't wish to jump to conclusions, so.. i didn't give a damn. Actually, i wanted so much for someone to come to me to initiate a chat, but, well, it doesn't matter anymore.

Actually, there was this thought that came to my mind while strolling along that beach... What if a tsunami struck at that point in time at that location? What would i have done? Would i have been selfish and run for my life? Or would i rush over to ensure that she was safe first? haha.. The answer... if you've been reading all my posts, it's rather obvious on what i would do.

We went for dinner after that at Seah Iun Hawker Centre (opp harbourfront building). Just outside the hawker centre, I saw this ice cream man sitting there in a corner. I can feel it, his boredom, his fatigue... I sympathise him. So, i went over to him and asked if i could have an ice cream that's wrapped with bread. The moment he heard that, the moment he saw my smile, he sort of brightened up. Somehow or somewhat, he was finally noticed by the many passersby, and he was feeling great about it. I didn't know such a small gesture by me could brighten up someone's day. haha...

"You very childish leh! I didn't know you behaved so childish(ly)...", one of the gals said.

I replied, "I've been like this all along, it's just that all of you didn't take the time to know me."

There it was again, I stumped her, silence filled the atmosphere of the table of 3. After which, she asked, "Why are you always so expressionless?"

And i replied, "Because i'm already dead." And there it was again... the silence. haha.. how fun.

Sigh, I started taking out all my receipts i stored in my wallet. For each and everyone of them, i folded a paper crane. That was what she taught me, and i'll never forget it. I used to wonder, what life really is for someone whose emotions are already dead. Now i know the truth. I know how it feels now. Seriously, you guys should try it, it's quite a unique experience.

And.. finally, MY PARENTS READ MY BLOG!! I'm so happy, cos by reading the blog, they're actually accessing into my world through the backdoor to check things out. Ok.. whatever. At least they cared. What about all of you out there? All of you who didn't give a damned when i was in need of help? tch.. now i don't... I'm already dead, so why help a dead person?
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I'm predicting many things at this point in time, the actions that everyone who practically knows me and reading the blog at the same time... Some might give up, some might take this as a challenge, some might want to prove themselves, and some might think that they already know me well enough. well? Conclusion, try harder... the happenings today hasn't given me any hope in rekindling any trust in anyone. When will i find someone who truly understands me? that is really something that i wish to predict. haha.. I shall get smarter.

"Man should be punished for their misdeeds, and fair judgement shall be passed upon them. I await to see the end. I await to step into a brilliant world where only pure people reside; People who CAN be trusted."

20061106

11/06/2006 08:39:00 PM

He was standing in a corner, holding a glass of wine, chatting with some acquaintance of his. Somehow, he that woman just burst into laughter. She was bubbly. Never did he ever see her frown once. What an occasion, he thought to himself and said, "A beggar in a formal suit tasting such fine wine for the first time in some posh mansion with posh people... What an occasion..."

He observed his surroundings, maroon velveted armchairs were placed along the grand hall, with a tea table being placed at every interval of 2 armchairs. "I wouldn't expect anything less from the person who owns this mansion, for he is, but the richest individual in this county." A group of women were chatting away in the middle of the grand hall, not too much of a distance away from him... and that was when he overheard:

"It's not normal to see him laugh so heartily... *chatter*"

One of the women suddenly caught his eye... and the chatter died down before they moved off to someplace else. They were avoiding him? Most prolly yes, for all everyone knew was that he was one of the most unpredictable guy around in the office.

He then heaved a loud sigh before telling the girl whom he was talking to to join her own clique. She felt bad, but she felt relieved at the same time... how contradicting... He could sense it all, his mind was always trying to unravel the thoughts of others. Always trying to predict the future moves of others. He never stops thinking. Well.. he's not a scholar for nothing.

"It's high time i left this party... there's nothing much for me to do here either...", he muttered to himself after finishing the last drop of wine from his glass.

It was hard to navigate in such a huge mansion. Many of the passersby he met went to ask him for directions. He was kind enough to spare time to direct these lost sheep, for it was his duty to help the less intelligent. "I mean, who would be so stupid to forget the route from the main door to the grand hall or the grand hall to the restrooms?"

He walked past several corridors before he noticed a door in which he didn't see while he was on his way in just a few hours before. Curiosity grabbed him mercilessly... he reached for its handle and wrenched it open...

It was pitch dark. He looked around the corridor to make sure that there was no one around before he let his hand into the room to feel for a light switch. But there wasn't a light switch at all... Then he saw her... inside the room with a spotlight shined onto her. But she wasn't alive... She was lying there in a pool of blood. He didn't think any deeper. All he knew at that point in time was to rush into the room to save her.

There was nothing else in that room. There was no light, only that spotlight. He was left defenseless in such a situation. No matter how smart he was, if something were to attack him now, he would fall for it. But he couldn't care less. He reached her within seconds, she was holding a piece of paper that wasn't stained with her blood. He checked if she was still alive first, and she was! Alas, with her pulse and everything, he could confirm it. He tried to carry her out of the room, but he was unable to touch her... "A hologram? What a waste of my time..."

Curiosity drove him further as he took the paper that was clutched in her right hand... And he saw it, a letter that was written by the CEO to fire him. Now this piece of paper was real...

Footsteps were heard down the corridor. He spun around from the spot he was squatting at, only to see his CEO grinning at his fate before slamming the door shut right in front of him.
*to be continued...
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In everyone's world, there is such a room that the main character encountered, apart from the door, the padlock, the key, the glasses, and the backdoor. This is the room that we fear. This is the room that we store our greatest fears in. No matter the situation, the room will generate it such that it would frighten us to the maximum. So that means, if you fear cockroaches, and you enter that room, you'll be mobbed by them. If you had a fear of heights, the moment you enter, perhaps it'll take you to the world's tallest building and force you to look down at the ground.

Well, i hope you get what i'm trying drive at. This is all that i have to explain, it's up to you to utilise that room to benefit you in future or to keep you in fear...

11/06/2006 02:06:00 PM

The more i read my own posts... The more i realised how stupid humans can get. You see.. I exist in the present.. but yet i live in the past. That is just an act of pure stupidity. That is a good example of a pathetic human. And i'm that example.

After all these obstacles i faced in my life... I supposed i was being enlightened in what most people might term as the "wrong way". I've started to hate humans, for all their wrongdoings. I've started to see myself as a higher being. I may be stained... just like the glasses of those grand churches. But once again, I shall make them as clear as diamond. I'll be pure, no longer will i care about what others feel unless they put in effort at all. I'll just do my job and leave the rest to that person.

It's my passion to teach others. Be it Chemistry or anything else. If i see that i'm taken for granted, I quit. If i see that i'm not appreciated, I quit. however, i won't quit if my student is unable to achieve results, i mean, it's my responsibility to get them on track, and it's their effort that brings them their results. If they don't ask questions, they'll never learn. Reason being, i won't initiate anymore. It's best to stay passive. So if they really want to learn, they'll have to take the initiative. I won't encourage them, neither will i demoralise them. All i know is that i'm actually benefitting if they ask questions. I'm sorry if i sounded harsh.

I wanted to let them learn the easier way, but they didn't want to. So.. it's just too bad, they'll all just have to learn the hard way. I don't care if my world is empty. In fact, it's not at all, I have me, me, me, me, and more me's... 11 personalities are enough to keep the me in reality company. I don't need friends, but i'll be happy to have them if they are willing to initiate. I need a true friend... and this tiring search seems to continue endlessly. So.. i kinda given up. No one deserves my trust. "I'm sad", but that's only verbal. My heart is really made of steel now.

I still miss the times when we chatted over msn, the phone, face to face... but well, that's the past. It's time i started living not in the present, but in the future. I'm unsure if i existed in the past to some people. Or perhaps.. i may even be inexistent in her heart. But who cares? That's her problem, not mine. In fact, if they forget me, then it's just too bad for them. If they fail to, they just lost someone who would definitely be there for them when they're in trouble (that is if they manage to convince me that they're worth my sacrifice).

My rage is gone, my mind is calm. I'd really been thinking for a very long time, and i thought of endings that shouldn't even happen that happened. I won't pass judgement on her, even though she may have done me wrong, I think i done her more wrong. I won't waste my time to protect anyone anymore, and i won't help anyone more than i should be helping.

I wish to be alone, so that no one will be hurt by me in what i call "Justice". May judgement be passed on those who wronged me since 2002, for they shall be forgiven once they face the punishment they deserved. May this world be rid of all evil, then i can show all of you, how brilliant this world can be!!!

20061105

11/05/2006 08:01:00 PM

i was thinking non-stop.. and.. i finally realised why i'm feeling so depressed...

I've been constantly looking at my surroundings... I have everything... from clothes to mp3 player to a nice lappy... I'm such a lucky person.. but i still feel that i'm lacking something... And yeh know what? Look at all the stuff that i had mentioned above... They can be bought off from a shelf at the stores. Money can be earned. Living in a poor family might seem hard to keep one contented, but.. the family is strongly bonded to one another. I'm not sure about mine.. I don't feel... as if.. i dunno..

Many strangers think that material needs is definitely a must in their lives. They need entertainment, they need to be "in", they need TV, they need everything that money can buy... I don't have everything, but i'm starting to feel that a part of me is totally off tune. I need love. I think i really need people to love me. I don't know how to put it across to others... and.. I'm so lonely, sometimes i really wished that i could cry it out... but.. a guy crying over such a small thing is so disgraceful.. i feel that i'm not being loved...

I guess i'm not like other guys... most of them are either obsessed with online gaming and such, or sports and blahs... I tell you, i had enough of them. I had enough of everything. My life is too perfect. So perfect that i can't even find the love that i require. I'm sad... I miss her. I miss her smile, I miss her talking to me. But i really don't know.. I don't know how to treat anyone the right way.. Here i am, in front of my lappy, crying for help.

I want attention.. I've been neglected for too long.. My previous post is something that i want to achieve... so that i will never feel lonely. But you see, i've yet to achieve it... thus i'm feeling this way now. I'm really in the middle of nowwhere... Not attached to council, not bonded with the class... drifting away from what i should be... and i can't blame anyone... except myself..

I thought i accepted the cruel truth.. but i guess i'm still stuck there. I tried to be strong... I TRIED!! but... I need a direction.. I need help.. I need attention, i need the care and concern.. i need to feel wanted by others... if not.. i'm just another piece of rubbish that had been dropped by someone on purpose.

I tried my best to do stuff that would occupy me... reading up on relativity, governing dynamics, nash equilibria, euclidean geometry, Art of war, etc.. anything.. even martial arts teach-yourself books... i tried shopping.. but ended up walking around in circles... i tried to concentrate on playing maple... but really, it doesn't interest me. I tried to watch anime on youtube... and it bores me...

All i can think of now... is her. and i'm totally lost ever since that day... I want to be the best of the best... but there's no one there to support me. I'm like a knight charging into the battlefield alone against 10000 enemy soldiers... And all that i was equipped with.. a pen and an organiser. No, it's not Death Note.

Please... somebody help me... I'm on the verge of my own motivation to carry on... Please... help me... I don't wanna go crazy again... I don't want to feel empty... I don't want!!! WAHHH!!! I really want someone to be able to get through that door... and i only need that someone. All i need is that and nothing more... My family has the security code to the backdoor... so they won't be able to use the key... but they haven't been visiting me...

this is something that one person can never achieve. It's something that requires 2 hands to clap. My hand is already there for you to complete the clap, it's up to you... I'm waiting.. for someone to brighten up my life.

11/05/2006 05:27:00 PM

Light Yagami of Death Note... I admire his character. Killing pathetic humans without even batting an eyelid. It's not about being cool. It's about being selfish. I need to learn to be selfish, I need to learn to have my will fulfilled. I need to care less about others, I need to learn to be who i really am. I need to be smarter, so that i'll never be on the losing end of any situation. I want to have a heart of steel like him. That's my goal, so i won't be hurt anymore.

I am who i am when i'm not. I'm not anyone's angel, I'm a devil who doesn't care a damned about anyone else. Yes, that's who i am. But i'll be a devil who is kind to animals. I'll be just like a snake. If you don't make the first move to attack me, I won't harm you. That's who i am. Unfeeling... i won't feel for anyone anymore. No one deserves to hold the keys to my padlock. haha.. I made it rust further. Hard to turn the key in that keyhole now... Just too bad.

Someone asked me to love myself before loving others, to care about myself before caring for others. If that's what everyone wants, then.. don't blame me if i hurt you. The words i wield, they aren't vulgarities, they destroy the very foundation of everyone's morale. This is the final move i make, as i know that there'll be someone who'll clear the rust on my padlock. There'll be someone who'll be able to let me see the light again. For now, let me protect myself, unless one of you thinks you're ready to enter through those doors to face me.

Don't beg me for help, cos the final answer is eventually "no", unless, i manage to equate you to the number of benefits that i can gain through helping you. yes, hate me for who i am.

Thanks but No Thanks!!

20061104

11/04/2006 11:57:00 PM

Pepper lunch... that memory seems to replay itself... even while i was eating. I remembered her expression, when i told her that she'd have to cook her own dinner herself.. haha.. i smiled just because of that mere thought.. that mere image that surfaced in that memory. We are happier this way? Will we be? Nothing's wrong on the surface... what the fishes see underwater in a storm... that's what everyone around views me as. The real soul inside is actually that rough sea that sailors view in a storm. But well.. she claimed that time... nah.. time is only a constant, like any other mathematical equation. It can never be a determining factor on how i can forget something that was engraved in my memory, unless... erosion occurs. One must understand the concept of time in order to let yourself flow with it. Many still do not seem to understand, and even if they did, who would accept the reality that time is just a smokescreen for the inferior?

I don't believe in that.

Anyway, she's not mine, but... i know i will wait. My mind is definitely a HELL lot stronger than my peers. Too strong perhaps... it's just sooo strong that i can lose control of it. haha.. Don't forget, i'm not a genius for nothing. Now.. think of this question: "Who are we when we are not?"

Think, use your brain. Infer from it, don't just skim through the surface of everything you see around you. Think deeper. If you can understand this question and answer it for yourself, you should be able to know yourself more than what others know about you. But, if you're still not enlightened by it? Then it's just too bad, I provide paths and solutions for people to take, just like what the teachers do in school. It's up to you to see what's ahead in that path of yours.

HAHA, you must be wondering, "not what??".. well, it's up to you to decide. Take your time, once you found the answer, perhaps you'll know where you're heading. It may be a road to destruction, it may also be a road to success... Life is like a recipe in a cookbook. Once you add the wrong ingredients, it's either you change the end result for the better or for worse... Remember, Nash Equilibria. Governing Dynamics.
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Something else that i wish to add... "Anything that comes in small amounts, humans yearn; Anything that comes in excess, Humans fear." Still, i won't spoonfeed any of my readers.. so yea, you'll have to figure it out yourself. Remember what i said, "It's for me to know and you to unravel."

Someone told me that i can paint pictures with just words. Thank you, I take it as a compliment, and i shall continue to fascinate you with my abilities in doing so, watch out for my future exemplifications.

Went to borders today, saw a book that was of a rather similar storyline to my very own novel. The title of that novel is "The Alchemist's Daughter". Hmm.. perhaps the title of my novel is too much of a mouthful.. maybe i should change it to something like... "Existence". That'll sound soo much better.

Ok, better go now. Headache is acting up again, been thinking too much, but hey, i love to think.

"The world is for all of us to live in, for all of us to judge one another, for us to pass judgement, for us to fulfill the judgement we passed and for us to recoup our losses in the name of justice."

11/04/2006 03:00:00 PM

Sigh... another lonely weekend to pull through.. but i'm not gonna wite the reason, neither am i here to complain. I used to have someone, now i don't. I don't feel happy nor sad... but i do feel lonely. In this ruddy world of mine.. I seemed to have lost interest in games... Studies are my thing, but.. just not in the mood for it. Anime? episode 5 of Death note isn't uploaded yet... What a weekend... Totally nothing to do..

I would visit the park if we didn't that time... Now i fear the park. haha.. Really.. everyone's so absorbed with their own lives. Whereas here i am.. available for people to bother, today... and no one's there... So.. i deserved it... no complaints..

At times of such overwhelming loneliness, it's only natural to think fo what to do next... but my mind is totally blank. is there absolutely anything to do? One of my friends invited me to their church today... but i rejected it, cos my mom said she wanted to watch death note with me.. look what's happening now.. haha.. whatever... I'm not mad at her... it's not within her control either... it doesn't matter whether i'm disappointed or not.. but i do hope that she is well. I'm immune to my own emotions already. The irrational... every single part of me is ignoring him... and he will die slowly in silence and solitude.

But i never got tired of thinking.. My mind would come up with strange new ideas on what to do next... then i would follow that routine.

Perhaps it's because my life is such a bore.. that's why it resulted in me being a boring person... On the surface.. it might seem that i have a hell lot of freedom... but deep inside, i'm bound to some things that i can never leave alone. Huge responsibilities..

So what can i do now? live alone... that's the best.. it's actually because of constant erosion by others that led me to become like that. Too much harm done, i can't say much. It's just too bad that you guys had to know me for who i am today. People didn't cherish me in the past, people don't cherish me now either... and in the future.. most likely.. i won't be cherished either.. haha.. how pessimistic. Well.. that's all i have to say. It's just too bad for all of you. And i apologise on behalf of my character.

PSI is a little high today.. hope she takes care of herself.

20061103

11/03/2006 09:59:00 PM

funny that i'm here blogging at such a late hour... but really, this is a story that i have to tell. It's not a sad story, neither is it a happy one. It's just plain monotonous.. ok.. but still read k? i won't bore you, words are my only asset.

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It all started happily... they were the best of friends since young. Or rather... somehow, they seemed to clique and shared the same goals, liked the same gals, loved science, curious... almost everything they did, they were one. When arguments came, the opposition will end up having to face 2 proponents instead of one. Imagine, how could anyone find such a close friend who would fight by your side till the end?

They were both young then... however, one was an extremely quiet boy in front of strangers, his mind works at the speed of light... yet he doesn't voice out his thoughts... loneliness filled him whenever he was without the other guy. (no.. they aren't gays.. stop thinking in the wrong direction..) As for the other guy, he was an exact opposite... very able to express his thoughts openly, extremely bold, always the most well-behaved student in class. He was well-liked by everyone around him.

The quiet one remained silent throughout the years... setting goals that could be achieved by the two of them... and when they achieved it, he set even greater goals. It was until then that the two stopped talking to one another. One was too ambitious, one was just too "happy-go-lucky"... so.. one fine day, the quiet guy decided to dispose of this extrovert... as he could no longer put up with his nonsensical behaviour... what he did? well basically he just.. got rid of him, i'm going to talk about how the extrovert died or somewhat.. he just died, and yes, the quiet chap murdered him.

Ever since that incident, he felt lonely once again. This time... he had nobody by his side. He never voiced himself out in front of others.. just basically taking all the crap, all those humilation... alone. It's only natural for a human to explode once in a while... and there he went, exploding all his thoughts into the air... hurting everyone around him. Just like the eruption of a volcano... nature's wrath.. Someone told him to be selfish, and well he did it.. sigh.. he was actually such a kind person, even though he did away with his best friend... he was dead guilty. All he wanted was to turn over a new leaf and to be devoted in helping others. But everyone betrayed him. Everyone called him a freak. No one wants him in class... He regretted...

Someone told him to love himself more than to love others... but.. to love himself when he's feeling so wrong about his misdeeds? He will not be able to live for a dead person. There's no point in it unless it was the dying wish of that person. Think of it.. if you can digest.. haha.. good for you.

Today, he still stands here, on this Earth. Trying to seek his lost friend. Or perhaps he might have given up hope in searching for him... because.. he kind of gained some new abilities that he had never had before. The ability to JUDGE without feeling anything. The ability to work alone, to eat alone, to do anything alone. He is, but himself. He's not human, he's just another lost soul. But the thing is.. he is trapped in this human shell, in which.. he once killed his personality, his happiness... all due to his miscalculation... imagine.. 5 years back, two best friends resided within this human body... now.. look what he had done to his counterpart..

This shell is only a fragment of his memory. He had tried to destroy himself many times, inside that shell. But ya know.. he ain't human, he can't die... no matter how many times he tried, he doesn't feel anything at all...

The shell is only a tool used for manipulating or sculpting his future. Only until then... perhaps once he attained his greatest of goals... he might decide to destroy this dead shell of his. For no one loved him, and he could no longer love anyone. He was just... not human anymore. Why should he even reside in this rotting body of his. To feel such pain? When the time is right, he'll break free.. and seek his long lost friend.. perhaps.. in the 4th dimension.. where his soul might still be stuck in the threads of time... the feeling of being killed over and over again.. it sure is frightening... haha.. that's his final goal... to save his only friend from his misery, and to return this frail body of his friend's, back to mother nature.
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It is obvious... whatever that i'm writing here, anyone who had common sense would figure this out. Yeap, this is all the information i can divulge. It's up to you to comprehend...

20061102

11/02/2006 07:32:00 PM

And so.. i didn't dare to tell anyone, what i'm suffering... but i told her. sigh.. she has the key. oh well.. I hope i won't turn into a freak again anytime soon.. I hate it.. I'm afraid.. Someone.. protect my world from morphing into some hell please?!! I'm frightened of what my other selves can do to strangers... I can't control!!!

A momentarary urge to exact revenge... was just not me at all.. i hate to take revenge. even if i have to.. well.. i will do it in a style which doesn't involve the words "me" or "I"... well.. most prolly my style of revenge would be telling a story that depicts the situation.. but.. nah.. it'll waste so much of my energy.. haha.. so, revenge is not my thing.

And.. i guess.. that padlock of mine seems to be really rusty already... if only i would buy a new one for easier access... but i doubt i would anyway.. haha.. and.. her words somehow.. she threw it away... nah.. well i gave her a new one.. haha.. she won't be able to use the backdoor anymore though. no one will... cos that's where i go mad.. best not to let others see the monster that's hiding behind the back door... perhaps only when there's someone to tame it. yeaps..

I didn't dump my 5th chem student either.. so.. next year will be a pretty busy year for me.. to handle 2 children.. haha.. i never liked children... unless they obeyed whatever that i might tell them.. ok.. study chinese now.. tml "A" lvls.. must return to my pre-promos state of mind... I'm sorry i caused much harm to everyone i know.. it's my fault. don't confront my unless you fully understand my condition... Thanks.

11/02/2006 08:14:00 AM

Life is so unpredictable... one moment you're born, the next moment you're gone... Will you cherish every moment that you have for your own gains? Or will you cherish the people around you, those who deserve your love? Will you give more than what you should, just to please someone you love? Or will you hint to that someone to please you?

In life, especially when it's that short... it's either you take the gamble, and maybe, give it all that you've got (ALL IN). Or, you can sit on the fence and wait for people to come to you. Some opportunities are just for a mere few seconds, will you cherish that person for those seconds when you know that you are bonded with him or her? For all you might know, right after those few seconds, he or she might just die right in front of you... Imagine, if you didn't give it all, will you regret? But if you gave it all... you won't regret, instead, you would feel sad. But in any case, that's a lot better than feeling regretful about things. I don't wish to regret in anything i do. Thus, no matter what it is, be it a relationship, studies, or in future, my work... I throw everything in, i give it my best shot. Even if it might hurt someday when the thingy falls apart... at least i won't feel regretful about the things done.

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In everyone's life, there is this grand looking main door, a very old padlock attached to the main door, a key made of the world's rarest minerals for that lock. Inside that door, there is a long table and on that table, a certain number of glasses of water are set on the table. besides that, there is also a backdoor with an extremely hard to break security system.

Imagine, the grand looking main door is what you portray yourself in front of others. The lock is there to prevent others from knowing how many glasses of water (but why glasses of water, you might ask... read on) you have. Now you might be wondering... why is the padlock an OLD one. As time passes, we continue to use that same lock. It gets rusty and cranky after awhile, but the thing is, the only key that will open that lock is that priceless metal key. The key, since it's made out of the rarest minerals, it's bound to be worth a fortune. And the thing is, you own several copies of this key. You have the right to decide who to give this key to. You might give it to someone you trust a lot... but what if, that person (or friend) of yours sells it away to someone else for his or her personal gain? Leaving you with nothing... but perhaps a stranger or even a burglar to barge into your house with that key. How cruel... the betrayal...

You must be really impatient.. haha.. just when am i gonna get to the part on the glasses of water? OK here it is.. Glass is fragile. The people who have access to your world... they'll come into it and be your guests. Now how do you treat a guest? Serve them drinks of course! What if they are there to find fault with you? They'd drop the glass onto the floor "accidentally", leaving you to clean up the mess... now, ask yourself, would you want this person to come into your house again? Will you ask the key back from him or her? Or will you be optimistic and see what happens the next time he or she patronises? That's right, each glass shattered is equivalent to the amount of times you're hurt by others. You put in your effort to serve them drinks, they refuse to return with their effort. Worthless people. haaa..

And finally, the back door. Ok, what if all the keys were distributed already? and if, and only if, those who hold the key either hurt you too many times, or sold the key away to someone else and that someone suddenly let you feel that you're loved.. You can't give that person any keys... but there's one thing that you can give... the password for the security access at the back door. I'm sure that everyone will only resort to this only if they trust that specific person a lot. yeah.. so, i hope whoever reads this will understand what i'm trying to say...

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So now... let me link my exemplars to my own life. Firstly, i gave her a key, i guess she gave me one too. I gave her all sorts of stuff to drink... from water to juice to wine or whatever worth more than that and that she was very nice at first, but one fine day, she broke 3 glasses in a row. That was definitely delibrate.

Then, she invited me over. Indeed... i wanted revenge. but i behaved myself... and when i went home, i broke another 3 more glasses at my place... it goes on everyday. until, one day, it finally drove me to insanity... I went to her place, wrecked havoc and left. I doubt she wanted a lunatic in her house... haha.. yea, and i'm that lunatic... I'm the cause for all that broken glasses. hahaaa... Sadistic... Will she ask for the key to be returned to her? hehe.. and she said she couldn't find the key to my world... Actually... the truth is.. *whisper*.. hahahaaaa.. Got that? hahaaa.. I'm MAD!! haaa...

20061101

11/01/2006 08:16:00 PM

My life returned to it's usual state... the black and white video.. no colours, very stable life. No happiness and neither is there sadness. Just... plain expressionless. This is the best state of mind to exact revenge. Emotionless and unfeeling. Sigh.. just when i thought the colour tv set was going to come into my world.. it sorta broke down, so i had to rely on the old grayscale tv set... hmm.. and somehow it became muted too.. no.. it was all along a silent tv set. only when the colour thingy came into this world, then i realised that i was able to enjoy some luxurious music produced by it. Oh well.. it just broke down.. nothing i can do about it.. i'm no mechanic. haha.. exemplifying is just so fun...

Mapled the whole day today... nothing better to do, don't feel like studying... and then the electronics shop said they wanted to let me try out the fixed up colour tv set... i couldn't set a date for it to come yet.. cos my schedule is just so... unpredictable.. haha..

Didn't want to go to work with all the executives in firm. the corporate ladder was just so... superficial to me. They were all a bunch a workers who... gossiped, bullshitted... yeah.. and there were also those who lost their temper on the innocent ones. Some were dictators, some thought they were GOD, but actually they were just SLAVES to their own salary. I'm not them, I joined the firm for material needs that i could gain once my term is over. I don't wish to hate humans anymore, cos i'm really at my limit. If i lose my cool... perhaps, i'll be condemned like those witches who were forcibly burnt, by villagers, in some "campfire".

I don't dare to return to wherever i went on those 2 days. it's the same thing as me hating honeydew or someone else hating durian or whatever. I'm avoiding those two dangerous places... even the things found in it... i would avoid. hmm... what should i watch on the tv if it were to come back on one of these days before i embark on a journey? will it be the movies i once watched on it? or will it be... no.. will i be even watching it? What makes me so sure that it'll not break down again? or rather... what makes me so sure that i want to watch movies in colour? I mean.. well, colours are nice, but.. what's the point of watching sad movies?

And yea.. i'll have to tune the channels on the tv myself... what's the point.. why can't it come with pre-tuned channels? Why must i be the one who should put in the effort again? like the last time before it broke down? but what makes me so sure that it wasn't my fault? Did i do too much tuning on that tv that it broke down? Sigh...

Perhaps i shouldn't look anymore, perhaps i should just listen.. to the radio... and be satisfied with what i have. at least i won't feel disappointed anymore. But.. will life become boring that way? I'm stuck in this dilemma...

Ok.. er.. i'll fix a date for that tv to come, prolly will get it out by friday. then.. er.. i might ask the electronics guy to help me tune the tv channels.. prolly by friday too. so that i won't have to put in anymore effort... haha.. that way, i don't climb, and i don't fall.. and maybe.. i should get the delivery company to deliver it to my place... instead of having to go pick the tv set myself.. haha... this is getting so practical... it might seem foolproof... but it doesn't apply to humans. that's why.. those normal, average, everyday humans should not rule the Earth... If only they were wiped out... this world will be really BEAUTIFUL... hahahahahahahaaaa...