{Why'd you have to be so clueless?.

20080126

1/26/2008 07:15:00 PM

Life was hectic for the past 2 weeks.. Apart from the consoling phone calls that i've made to my family and sunsun, I did my best to backup my emotions into my long-term memory; hoping that they would only show themselves to those i cherish.

My superior drilled this into our minds:

"Tough times don't last, but tough men do."

And that's where it all began -- the countdown to return home and meet my cherished folks. I was loved. I held an important place in their hearts (including the one whom i've only met recently.. you should know that it is you that i'm talking about.)

I'm currently not in the pink (ok.. don't go all crazy when you see this word just because i made it pink in colour..) of health due to insufficient hydration during training.. But not to worry, I'll be fine. And.. i'm really lost for words currently.. terribly lost.. because many things are flashing past my mind currently, and i just can't get a good grasp at things. I worry too much about certain things, and i'm just made to work that way.

I'm feeling rather drowsy now due the medication that i've consumed.. it's time i returned to my nest a short rest.. (cool.. it rhymes..)

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2230 hrs -- Calamity

Something went wrong.. and wrong meant that it wasn't right. Something came and dishevelled my logical thinking.. (thankfully it was reclaimed when i shut that door behind me..). How i felt? I'll tell you.. totally lost.. What actually seemed warm wasn't really warm.. and what actually seemed cold remained cold.. I was melted and solidified to a chunk of semi-liquid (just like what wax figurines would become if you'd melt them and cool them when they're done melting)..

Deformed.. gah.. this feeling is absurd. Totally unexpected; confidence levels and morale plunged to the depths... I knew something was wrong.. and i knew whom the trigger was. But i maintained my cool.. I had to.. because.. i just had to.

i'd have much more to say.. but i know this will be read, so i shan't tarnish this day anymore with my rantings..
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Sunsun requested that i took the test if i had time.. and here are my results.. exactly how i'm feeling right now..

You are longing for some love and affection at this time - not that you have been deprived of tender loving care - but there are times when everyone needs to try something new or to go 'somewhere' else to perhaps experience that little extra 'understanding'.

You seem to lack the energy of late to get up and go. Your objectives appear to be unattainable and no one seems to care. You feel lost, neglected and need some W.T.C. (Warm tender care).
At times one is burdened with more than one's fair share of problems and this would appear to be your situation at present. But you are adamant - you know what you wish to achieve - and by giving a little and taking a little you may well find that the realization of your dreams could become a reality.

You are feeling trapped by the situation as it stands at this time and what is more, you feel powerless to remedy it. You are stressful, angry and disgruntled. You feel that everything that you try to do to change the situation is thwarted and your hopes and aspirations all seem to be receding into the ever distant future. You have reached the state where you now doubt whether your dreams will ever be achieved and this is not only causing mental stress but heartache. You need to get away from it all - you need to have time to think, to recuperate, to be able to make your own decisions.

You don't like conflict and you endeavour to avoid criticism. You want to do your own thing and to be able to decide what is right for you. You have considerable personable charm - and this is used with considerable effect on those that keep your company.

interesting.. and i'd say that my colours would change everyday as well..

20080110

1/10/2008 12:39:00 AM

listen to this song. I love it. I love the meaning it holds.

Exactly how i feel, about things, to a certain someone (read the lyrics.. you'll know who you are). For those who frequent my blog, it's either you know what i'm writing or you're totally clueless about my life since then till now. I'm not worried about misunderstandings, because i know you'd clarify them with me if you'd really wish to. (because.. only people i trust will know what i'm writing..)

Redundancy shall never be tolerated. I won't shed my tears. For i'm as good as dead after you've heard this song.

背叛 -- as sung by 楊宗緯 (Original by 曹格)

雨不停落下来
花怎么都不开
尽管我细心灌溉
你说不爱就不爱
我一个人
欣赏悲哀

爱只剩下无奈
我一直不愿再去猜
钢琴上黑键之间
永远都夹着空白
缺了一块
就不精采

紧紧相依的心如何say goodbye
你比我清楚还要我说明白
爱太深会让人疯狂的勇敢
我用背叛自己完成你的期盼

把手放开不问一句say goodbye
当作最后一次对你的溺爱
冷冷清清淡淡今后都不管
只要你能愉快

心有一句感慨
我还能够跟谁对白
在你关上门之前
替我再回头看看
那些片段
还在不在

***

I hereby kill myself once again, so as to await my rebirth.. To form a new me.. to share my happiness with people who deserve it more than some would.

And here are my emotions.. expressed, yet, in another poem of depth...

Despondence

So much hurt as my heart would shatter many times over;
So much grief as my sorrows would identify.
Thresholds breached, please beseech;
Frequencies collide with disorient, they subside..

Tears of hope and hatred;
Tears of wretch and joy.
Will they always be apart?
Will they truly be apart?

Cries for justice be rampant;
Cries of distress be scarce;
Distance for necessity;
Distance.. a redundance?

Loneliness beckons;
Silence threatens.
Annoyance dictates;
Fury ignites.

With tears welled;
With words unsaid,
Left for good;
Left for real.

-- The Djinni --

20080106

1/06/2008 10:51:00 PM

5 more days.. My heart should be in its secondary phase of rebirth. I really hope that it'll reach its final phase before my departure.. I don't wish to shed any tears on that day. I don't wish to feel anything.. My emotions should never have came with me as a package to begin with. It's so hard for me to kill myself over and over again, just to be able to adapt to the environment, as would a frog to a pond. (Right.. my analogy doesn't seem very logical..)

I can't feel much today.. there isn't much grief, neither hatred, nor delight. There's hardly any emotions that remain active.. (and that's quite a relief for me..) I'll miss my family, I'll miss some others whom i trust.

Sigh.. I'm usually rather long-winded when it comes to blogging.. But it all seems so silent now.. so silent that it gets a little noisy for the silence. My mind no longer speaks, my emotions lie stagnant.. I start to feel worried that he might return to be me. But of course, with my family and those i trust around me, i believe that i'll be fine.

As mysterious as i can get, i'm not gonna reveal any of my 'extraordinaries'. Well, life's short.. and i'm always somewhere out there, thinking about how to improve it. Not by the means of technology, but via philosophy. I want an ideal world, of which i'll never be able to achieve even if my life were to be taken away. Nothing.. nevermind, i don't wish to talk about that today..

I'm rather touched however.. today.. As i was feeling rather wistful (thanks for introducing that new vocab to me today.. My English isn't necessarily that good, but fair enough, education is for life and not for papers..), I talked much about how we started to get thus close.

According to my earilier post (really early.. the one on emptiness and nothing..), the fact that the discussion on that statement of philosophy was bound into her memory; the fact that many others would have forgotten on what we'd have chatted upon; I was glad, at least i know i exist.. (It's funny, to think that existence would rule over our emotions.. but that's all just.. my theories, and nothing more.)

It was then that i realised.. i have not sent her my traditional parting gift - that special composition that i sent to everyone before the A's. Not many appreciated it, not many understood it. I was rather disappointed by that. It's alright, life's full of such minor issues.

Acquaintances would remain acquaintances if both parties remain unwilling to step out to each other.
Friends would return to acquaintances if only one party contributes.
Friends will only remain as friends when both parties decide to exist as one.

I hope everyone would be well when i'm away. And i certainlyhope that no one would shed tears for me (c'mon, i ain't dying yet..). Don't feel sad, it's only a matter of time before i'm out again. I'll call those whom i wish to talk to. I'll message those whom i wish to accompany. And finally, for those whom i cherish, you'll never lose your existence in my heart (unless you did something really wrong.. but seriously, how could you after passing all those tests that i've set for you..).. I'll never be lonely with all of you alive within this heart of mine, so do not worry. Please, take care of yourselves when i'm not there to nag at you.

Gosh.. what's with this atmosphere.. i'm only leaving on friday.. LOL.. Sigh.. I'll be meeting you for dinner tomorrow, am i not? Don't be late, unless you've got that valid reason (getting lost in this very erm.. organized environment..). But seriously, i'm joking. take your time and stay safe in your journey to the meeting grounds.

I'm tired.. Shouldn't be blogging till thursday night i guess.. (thus i'm writing in this manner..)

*But of course, i'd blog if i feel like it..*

20080104

1/04/2008 11:00:00 PM

ok.. right.. my story today is simple. Due the extreme conditions that i'd be experiencing in National Service, I've taken up this insurance plan to cope with the difficulties that are bound for me during my stay. Today was fully a fruitful day of exercise and.. and.. erm.. making the exercise go to waste.. Alright.. that wasn't so good..

Well anyways, I ran, gym-ed, tennis-ed, swam, and finally steamed myself within 6 short hours.. (alrighty.. i sound as if i've enrolled myself in some physical fitness boarding school or whatnot.. and i seem to like this word 'whatnot')

Darn, i'm aching mad. The tennis was great (of course i didn't play all alone dude.. don't be nuts. I had a companion you see..).

So why did i conclude that i wasted all that exercise? That's because i went to have a heavy (and i really mean heavy.. or was it? nah.. i don't eat too much myself.. but today's portion was huge..). Went to this Restaurant-fashioned stall in a heartlander coffee house.. RIGHT.. like how good can the food get.. I'll tell you, i paid $7.50 for that plate of Cajun Chicken Steak.. GOSH, it was absolutely delicious.. (yet the portion was so huge that i had to force the fries down my throat because i was determined not to have dinner.. when i didn't have lunch and breakfast either..)

So.. i ate only 1 meal today, and that's the plate of Cajun Chicken Steak.. how nice, i'm gonna lose some weight soon because of this simple inequality here --> [Input < Output]

Enough of the fun stuff.. I'm still rather bloated at this late hour of which i'm current blogging at..
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First day of my rebirth, I'm feeling better now.. Getting used to all the new procedures that i've been conditioning my emotions with, I'm long immune to that feeling of dependence towards my Tigress' existence (cheer on for me, for i'm new.. or.. new.. nevermind..)

hmm.. whatever that you might receive from me, tigress, it's just my token of gratitude for being by my side when i was.. tweaked. If you can't seem to decide, then i'll just have to decide what's best for the both of us. That's that. (Or am i consoling myself for myself and for myself..)

Anyway, I'm good, i'm good to go.. I want to watch the sunset; I want to be with the sunset; I want to experience a real sunset again.. for once, for life, for love, and for anyone who's experienced a real sunset (and would have the same sentiments as i would). Am i speaking in a nonsensical manner? You're the judge, you decide upon what's written here..

Then people might query.. "What's a real sunset? I mean, aren't sunsets always REAL?"

I won't answer that. That's obviously from someone who hasn't seen one.. I've seen it.. I loved it as i would love my dogs. I can't tell you what it looks like.. I can only tell you that it's sweet and that you'd have to experience the rest yourself.

Right.. I'm simply typing every thought that comes into my mind.. It's so strange at which the speed i'm phrasing my thoughts using my fingers.. Or was it strange because my fingers are delivering my thoughts at such a speed.. nevermind, everyone's bound to make mistakes, especially when they're fatigued.. (well.. i am.. but i never liked short entries.. and it's not that i'm trying to make this a long entry..)

I just had to say.. some things.. here and now; because it's now or never.. After this slumber that i'm about to have soon, i'd not be able to recall my thoughts that i've penned here.. This blog has somewhat became like the pensieve that appeared in J.K. Rowling's infamous novel series.. That Potter boy.. (i'd prefer that potty-wee-potter way of saying it though.. not too formal..)

It's time.. my mind should be rather empty now.. although i can't really summarise the main points of what i wrote because they are just fragments of my thoughts.. It's for me to recall.. and not you.. not the readers.. I write it in my style, such that only i'm able to understand the fragmentation of my memories.. haha.. till tomorrow then..

20080103

1/03/2008 09:34:00 PM

New year.. (the fact that i should've written this earlier and i didn't..)

Ok.. now what's in for me for 2008.. Look.. firstly, i've got myself tangled (for 22 months) into National Service due to my gender (that of course, would signify that i'm a male homosapien..). Nothing much.. I haven't been feeling much about starting new routines or whatnots.. I didn't feel anything about entering primary school, and neither were there any emotions that were present when i left it. Same goes for entering and leaving Secondary education as well as college.. I FEEL NOTHING..

(Why is it that many others feel so stressed and paranoid about the new environment? I mean, new environments are meant for adaptation, no?)

Perhaps they just can't adapt to it, i guess.. It might seem as though this strategy of mine would be the best tool for me to get past National Service. Not revealing it, lest people might have the ability to do what i've planned to do.

2008.. tigress.. no.. I know what's going on here. And i'm not going to let anything stand in my way. I've found the truth.. so i must seek it. It's now or never. I've decided to just leave my tigress to her life and just.. leave her.. out of her life. Because.. I know that i'm harming her, and i can't let that happen. I just can't. She'll be happier without me. I know it.. I just know it. Don't ask me why.. If you're really interested in knowing why, then put yourself in my position.

that's all i'd say about tigress.. now.. moving on.. (have i changed? yes, i have, and it's a must for me to do so.. in order to protect myself..)

2008.. People are meant to be cycled around. If you can't seem to communicate with someone whom you haven't invested much upon, you dump them. (I understand that i'm offending a few, if not many people by writing this, but hey, that's a blatant fact and you can't deny it.)
There are others who deserve more care and concern than some who don't even appreciate what you offer to them.

Remember this.. "Every relationship is a transaction; there's no such thing as free lunch."

We invest, we reap, and we enjoy the harvest.
We hold back, we wait for reciprocation, we enjoy that frustration that they suffer.
Or do we?

(I would.. if i could, i would. And so i am.)

I know what i'm looking for. I'll strive for it. Even if it has to take away my ideals, it shall be a beneficial transaction on both parties..

20080101

1/01/2008 08:46:00 PM

4th day.. blogging about the same thing over and over again.. Thinking about the same thing once more. Why do i keep getting stuck in time? I'm starting to reconsider my actions.. I'm not regretting, but i'm there.. I'm there to justify what i've done. And I'd jolly well be able to solve it.

(Which i think i could've solved it long ago.. And which i did somehow recently..)

Such rhapsodies should stop in their own tracks for now.. I should be setting relevant resolutions for the year ahead. And yet.. as every minute would whizz past me now, I suddenly feel this acute pain within my forehead. It's terrible to have both the heart and the brain to hurt just as much.

My entire sensorium seems to be in a big mess, must be due to the acute migraines that i'm experiencing.. I need rest.. But i can never rest when i've so many problems to settle for. Life's a paradox itself.. If you can figure out why i'd say so, then tell me. I'm still searching for the truth that will overthrow my previous hypothesis about life being full of transactions and not relationships.. I'm still searching for the answer.

Hermits lead serene and peaceful lifestyles.. But are they lonely? Many of the average commoners out there would think so. On the other hand, I think otherwise. Perhaps.. they've found a way to cope with that loneliness.. I hope to find that key to living that way.. or perhaps, i might lose sight of my goals and settle for an even better ideal.

(an even better ideal... tsk tsk.. it'll never come true i guess..)