{Why'd you have to be so clueless?.

20070223

2/23/2007 09:52:00 PM

It's been such a long time since i wrote again... Ignore the previous few entries, i think they're full of bullshit as i finally realised my foolishness... Been really busy anyway, and perhaps this will be the last entry until common test is over.

There's something i wish to share... remember there was once in which i mentioned?

"It hurts even more to lose something you once had than to not have it at all..."

Why is that so? Because you felt how it was like to have it by your side... and by losing it, you literally lost some purpose in your life. In contrast, if you never ever had it before, you'd only feel envious... (which is very much less painful when compared to losing it...)

In this entry, i have 2 examples to write about regarding the words "cherish" and "neglect"

1 -- The new dish in that menu (The LAYMAN example)
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You went to McDonalds (Mac) and you saw this new dish... in which you might term as a delicacy (perhaps McWings or somewhat...). So you decided to try it and you went, "Mmmm.. This is just so heavenly..."

So as the days passed, everytime you went to Mac, you'd order the same dish.. and perhaps you did have an old favourite as well while dining in Mac (maybe some Big Mac or somewhat...).

One day, you realised that McDonald's was no longer serving the Big Mac's... Won't you feel regretful about neglecting your old favourite in order to cherish the new?

2 -- The change in a person's character to blend in (The Not-So-Layman example)
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You were at school... and there was this guy who appeared anti-social (to some) yet mysterious (to some). Now let me set the conditions right first; You were curious about this classmate as he was always so quiet, so lonely, so (whatever..).

And you saw... that everyone was trying ways and means to get close to this person, so that he could be part of the class and that he would share his world with the rest of his human counterparts... You saw such a "phenomenon" and perhaps, you (might) decide to help out by being his friend.

Days passed... He started to open up his world... then you saw that everyone else showed less attention towards him... and perhaps (and i mean perhaps) you decided to follow suit... as you thought that since that chap has finally blended in, there'd be no need to put in that much effort anymore...

(well.. if you ever did think that way... then you'd be very wrong as you're really insensitive... and i'd really wonder why you're even reading this...)

So.. think now.. You cherished him back then and now you're neglecting him? That's really inhumane...
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I didn't have a choice... Neither did i have a path to retreat to... all i had was this winding path of gravel set in front of me... I'm feeling blue... terribly blue... now.. how am i supposed to carry on fighting for my own survival when i'm just so blue... How am i to continue down that path ahead? I've got no idea...

20070204

2/04/2007 09:20:00 PM

There are just so many things on my mind... I feel as if i'm lost. I wanna find out what's going on... and perhaps.. are we really suited for one another. There is a voice which constantly reminds me that she's the one. However, there are many other factors to consider. There's competition (and not to mention, a very close competition, which i doubt i can ever win); there's her style or way of life.. i dunno, what else, right now i can only come up with these two.

I wonder why am i doing this right now. I drew that picture... a picture of a beautiful sunrise... yet i bled upon it... which then became a bitter sunset... (I must've bled quite a lot in order to make that pale shade of blue become a dark shade of purple and red and perhaps a little brown too)

Yes, i admit that i like her a lot. Now that i've reached such a stage, i'm jolly sure that i'm ready. but... you'll never be able to guess who actually caused me to bleed profusely. It was me, I was the one who brought upon it to myself. I said things that were supposed to keep the conversation going and she said things regarding her life and such... some of which... in fact most of which... they're very hurtful towards someone whom might have taken a liking towards her. Or rather, some of which might have demoralised me.

But... if i'm still able to write this entry rationally, it'd be obvious that i've already thought it through really well... although i still dwell back upon what she had said. I'm determined, i really am... I really wish to be with her.. They said that love is blind, but this time, i'm really clear-headed. I know what i want... and i know my responsibilities. Without a stable career in the future, i can forget about having all the BGRs and whatevers. So, here i am, studying really hard... for the sake of her. She's the additional purpose i have in my life... And i really wonder what would happen if i were to lose her.

I'm afraid to return to what i was before if anything might happen. I'm afraid... I fear myself. I fear what i might become. But of course, if all goes well, i can really guarantee my results. But... from the looks of all these events... I know i don't quite stand a chance... but somehow, the voice just keeps telling me to give a shot at it. Does he want me to die or something? I still decided to follow his directions in the end...

I told her that i have my problems... and i haven't been feeling to well lately... I think she knows.. that she's the cause of everything. but i can't be too sure. I want to be sure... but she said she won't tell me her probs if i ain't gonna reveal my probs. Should i make up a false claim? just to access to her problems so that i can remain updated? But if i remain updated, what if she'd tell me about her problems which might hurt me further? should i let it remain that way? I don't know... There are just too many thoughts in my mind right now... What exactly is she thinking about.... how does she want our relationship to work out? To remain as friends? or to shoo me off? Or to have the happy ending that both of us are searching aimlessly for all this while.

It all depends on that message i might or might not receive tonite... I suddenly feel that she turned cold towards me... I have a premonition that it's gonna turn out pretty bad... should i back out now? What should i do? Why... why is this happening to me all the time? Am i not good enough? No... It should always be that way... cos i'm never good enough. I know i can never meet anyone's expectations. But why? I don't really know... I really wish to know... what's wrong with me... why is everyone doing this to me? What have i done wrong? Why... Why doesn't anyone notice who i am? Do i really have to be a clown just to attract attention from others? why... why me?

I'm really lost... I really am... Please help me? Help me.. anyone? Where are you when i need you most? Why am i suffering in silence for your sake? Why did i fall for you in the first place? WHY?

If in any case you might think that i might suicide or whatever... tch.. if you'd ever think that way, shove that thought aside... I can't die yet. I won't let it happen to me. I want to make it through... I want to be able to see if i'm successful. I don't wanna be a failure... so you can put your mind at rest. I'll stay alive... but i can never guarantee that i'll maintain my health as the situation progresses... Will it turn out to be positive, or negative... I'm still waiting...

There's no one to talk to about my probs... Other than my parents... no one else would care a damned about my problems... but she asked... there were people who noticed, but they didn't care. And she's the only stranger who cared?... But why... I really want to know... I'm really dead curious about it... Someone.. please help me...