{Why'd you have to be so clueless?.

20061231

12/31/2006 11:51:00 PM

Life is ever-changing. I never expected to meet a friend in metro paragon today. neither did i expect to find myself a new friend at an i-shop while i was getting myself an iPod Nano. This is what that makes life so... mysterious and merciless, yet so simple and filled with flunctuations.

"Have more confidence in humans..." My heart said so. I should listen to it and put a stop to my hatred. Within this short period of 2 months which passed by without notice, I've met people whom i would consider friends. Those whom i can trust, whom i can talk to, as well as those whom i might have taken a special liking towards (pls do not infer anything here... i'm just stating my thoughts, nothing else).

2006 was a hell of a ride. I've been through the worst of almost everything. The worst of health, the worst of emotions, the worst of relationships, the worst of office terms, the worst of foes, the worst of betrayal, and of course, the worst of whatever that i couldn't think of at the moment. Nonetheless, I'll always remember that i was happy for myself in succeeding in my studies, in succeeding in being a modal student, in succeeding in being a filial son (well.. not too sure about that, i can't judge myself, but well, I AM a good boy afterall.. hehe).

I made mistakes, and no, i shan't give myself any excuses for them. Instead, i want to correct my mistakes through compensation. I believe in equivalence remember? I believe i'll make up for my mistakes someday. Even though at times, i'm not the person at fault, i guess... i'd still help them make up for it by being a better person to them (even though i know it's hard, i'd still want to try).

November and December of 2006 were the best months ever. I never knew how happiness can be generated through a bunch of people whom i declared as friends. Neither will i ever find out from them how it's done. haha.. it's not because i'm proud or being a know-it-all... it's just that, everyone is different, thus if happiness was to be taught by them, then it wouldn't have been pure...

As in, it'd be happiness that's fabricated with a smile and a few jokes. That's plainly what i'd call manipulative happiness. You feel happy because of this group of people and thus you'd follow them in whatever they do just to be happy... that's wrong. Thus, it's suggested that you find the happiness within you, retain that very bit of your character and blend into the rest of the characters around you. That'll eventually form the pure essence of happiness. Of course, it does sound very simple in terms of speech and that even i can't seem to do it... haha.. but yeah, that's a principle that i'm following for now until i find the essence of happiness.

My heart really hurt quite a lot for 2006... and now that i see a clearer picture of everything, i feel that i had been wasting my time on those people whom i had put in effort to maintain the friendship or relationship. Nope, i shan't waste my time on them anymore, once bitten, twice shy.

2006 had also taught me many lessons... when you're in love, give more than you should (be a donor), even if you know that you'd be hurt deeper than the other party... as long as you had that experience, it's all worthwhile (it hurts for a period of time, but after all that, as you remininsce those scenes, you'll find that you didn't lose anything at all, in fact, it's the other party who lost you.)

"Ok, i'm not consoling myself here, but really, at the very least, i know that it's the truth from my personal experience"

Love is blind, but it has a wonderful aura that'll protect a person from illnesses and failures that were destined to strike. It is ever beautiful. It brings about determination to the weaker ones, courage will surface even in the timid-est of all creatures. Love is also destined, if you'd ever feel that you like someone, it was actually arranged earlier by someone we do not know. I do not believe in any higher being. However, i believe that somehow, our life is just like a novel. It has a beginning and an ending, just as there might be events that begin and end somehow or somewhat.

Sigh... Choices are also rather bothersome.. haha.. but i shan't blog too much tonight. Have a happy new year, my readers! Hope that 2007 will be a fruitful year for all of us.

20061230

12/30/2006 11:43:00 PM

"If there is something that one really wished to do, even if one knows one might not be capable of producing the best results, one should still be persistent to pursue his or her dreams; One might never know the outcome till he or she had been through the actual situation."

Sigh.. I wonder what's wrong... It seems frightening to even think about it. It's because of the optimistic presence in that statement in which i followed that brought me much misery. Should i even believe in that again?

Thus, i changed the song that playing on my blog to this one here.. hmm, the lyrics really, well i dunno, somehow, it just described my emotions. Yep, just the way it is. But of course, i'm no longer bothered about the past. Why bother about the past and the future when the present is the most beautiful of all? Why bother if you were to die today or the day after? Why not live each day with joy? I'm doing that, or at least, i'm trying my best to do so. Be it through my laughter, my sarcasm, my umm.. whatever.

I don't know what i want to say here... I'm confused, I'm lost... I wished that i could just walk, just keep walking, and thinking. I don't know what's going on with me, getting emotional and all. It's perhaps a consequence of keeping the shield up for too long a time. I'm exhausted, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I don't wish to fight within myself anymore. So i decided to let him win.

No, it's not that i'm not contented with what i already have.. it's just that... I mean, I just fear that i might fall into another trap... Sometimes when you know that you have everything you need and you're happy with them... there might just be some troublemaker who would try to spoil it. I'm unsure if i am the troublemaker or whatever... but, i wish to seek something that might lead me to being or perhaps, finding a troublemaker... SIGH.. what should i do? Should i seek something which has equal possibilities of bringing both happiness and sadness?

Haha.. I'm such a fool...

20061229

12/29/2006 09:20:00 PM

"Listen, understand, speak and befriend your heart... that's the most important thing to do if you want to understand the language of the world, the universal language."

"It is then that you can understand the rest of the matter around you, and to befriend them to the fullest."

"No matter the distance, no matter the distractions, no matter whatever that happens, just keep on walking towards your dreams; as long as you do not stop, you'll reach there someday."

Basically.. all these short sentences above are being summarised from the novel by Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist. It's a book that i'd recommend to those whom have yet to have found their way. Now really, if you did watch that japanese animation (Full Metal Alchemist), you won't like the alchemy that's described in the book. Reason being, it's just plainly believing in yourself and speaking the lingo of the world (no.. not that mongrel that ruled the world today, as in.. the English Language), but as in.. the language that an alchemist, as stated in the book, uses to communicate with nature (somewhat like what gamers would call a nature mage in some RPGs).
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This section is totally crap

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Umm.. one more thing that i find really amusing today.. haha.. went to BPP Mos Burger to have a drink with the family... Yes, and that was where i met my student (nope, not gonna reveal anything). haha.. can you believe it, my mom saw her and she was like.. GAH!! Girlfriend ah? hahaha.. really amusing. and her friends were also GAH! and it goes on and blah blah blah.. yep..

Thank goodness everything went well today... really, i'm really grateful... i mean, we could have lost our lives on that battlefield, yeh know.. gosh.. it's all written by the same hand.. "Maktub".

20061227

12/27/2006 01:08:00 AM

Ok... i'm back from taiwan.. haha.. that's really a cool place as in.. umm.. cool becos the weather is just right.. and cool as in, everyone was just nice and warm and friendly and hospitable and keigo-ish. YES, KEIGO-ish... hmm..

I'll talk more about it somehow... but not here, cos there isn't any point to talk about it here anyway.. haha.. hmms..

And of course, haha.. really, my greatest apologies to roast chicken... hehe.. umm.. now seriously, i wasn't mad at anyone, it's just haha.. acting up a bit in one way or another. hmm.. no worries i'll never delete any post that i posted, so that i'll remind myself not to make such a terrible mistake again. Anyway, just to remind my readers (the very few of you... haa), my blog is a place for me to deposit my feelings, emotions as well as memories (be it happy or sad, it doesn't matter, it's just a place for me to vent my frustrations or whatever). So.. somehow, i'd like to state once again, please do not take whatever i wrote here to the personal level (even though i seem to have the habit of following my intuition most of the time... haha.. but dun let that affect all of you ok?)

It's hard to find friends like you guys, and yes, it'll be hard for me to lose you guys too.. haha.. things work both ways dun they? Newton's third law of motion applies to this as well.. LOL.. i'm full of crap.. haha.

guess there's nothing more to say now, especially when my brain is a lil umm.. charred... due to some long hours of staring at the SQ krisworld inflight entertainment system.. haha.. was playing Legend of Zelda: A link to the past (or whatever it's called...) gosh.. i almost completed the game!! Then the captain announced that the plane was about to land and they had to turn that krisworld thingy off.. DARN!!.. got all the 3 pendants with 9 heart compartments (started with 3), 8 magic bottles, and almost all the funny equips.. so wasted.. tch! HAHA.. i'm such a GAME FREAK...

NVM.. oh.. anyway.. haha.. completed all my HW during the taiwan trip.. hehe.. i brought all my work there. so literally, as long as there's free time back at the hotel, i'd just spam holiday homework.. GOSH.. i'm such a no-lifer.. haha.. worked till i got a little feverish on Christmas day during that trip.. yes.. i'm quite a bit of a workaholic too.. gosh..

so umm.. hmm.. LOL.. can't rmb what i want to say.. just.. i dunno.. actually.. for the first time in my life, i found that this noun "friend"... hmm.. it seems a little more REAL now. It is defined in the dictionary as "A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.".

So.. just imagine, if we got more of these people whom we know, like and trust... won't our lives be a hell lot better? but what if some aren't people whom we can really know, like and trust? nono.. it's not that i dun trust you guys, i mean.. what if? what if there were? won't there be chaos? So.. let's just link this back to somewhere in history... everything that happens, happens for a specific reason.

Whatever... haha.. hope that i didn't make things unclear to anyone.. dun want to lose any of you, my first ever... hmm.. what i'd rank as friends... haha.. my standard is rather high.. so, if you're a friend of mine, means that you're rather good in terms of character and the art of communication.. ok, i think i'm starting to crap a little here.. better stop, i need to sleep... haha... should we hang out some time before school re-opens? i can't wait though.. haha.. got some surprises for all of you.. hehee..

"Somehow... the feeling of returning to Singapore... it's like all those emotions that went dormant during the trip, they were suddenly awakened again... but of course, returning to the comforts of my own home is definitely something to be joyous about. Darn... for that... i hate to be back here... but at the same time, it's just somewhat like a love-hate relationship.. haha"

20061221

12/21/2006 11:00:00 AM

The post yesterday.. ignore some parts of it.. it's a disgrace that my brain can't even control my emotions.

Anyway.. just a few more hours before i depart... hmm.. not many people know that i'm on this trip. well.. for those who knew, haha.. i shan't hope that you will wish me bon voyage. It's ok anyway if you didn't.. haha.. i'm used to it anyway.

erm.. dun wanna get all sentimental before i leave.. so i shall just umm.. end my post here. Most of all.. I promise that i'll enjoy myself, but you guys must promise that you'll take care too!! Don't keep me worrying yeah? haha.. gosh.. my blog seems to be like an offline messenger..

SMILE!!

20061220

12/20/2006 11:11:00 PM

I was inspired by loneliness.. that's how the story of existence came about... although it's far from complete.. i can actually see how the entire story will end... The e-publishing of the novel will be postponed till further notice... so if you wish to keep track of every single chapter i wrote, i'd suggest you copy and paste chapters somewhere (MSWord or something..)

I understand that no one should be the centre of anyone's universe... but am i indirectly setting others to think that i'm dying for attention? if that's the case, then i guess you guys dun know me well enough and i shan't even be bothered about it. But somehow, you guys mean something to me, that's why i'm determined to give chances... I dunno.. i dunno what's going on now... What's wrong with everyone... is it because of a certain pact i made indirectly with whatever higher being there was that fateful day?

I still recall... "May this world be cleansed of all those who are unpure, may judgement be served, may my will be done. And for such great judgement to be passed, my EXISTENCE shall be it's sacrifice!!"

So.. it's all linked now... I vowed to sacrifice my existence in order to meet people whom are worthy of being humans... yet i overlooked the side effects... tch.. here i am... powerless, without even a trace of existence... it was as if my name was completely removed from the history books... sigh.. how wonderful...

I'm lost... someone please help me... help me regain my existence... i found it during the china trip.. and now i lost it because of the law of equivalence. Is it fair? tch... the more i weigh the several logics that revolve around this situation.. the more i find it to be fair.. should i just stop being childish here? should i just murder his soul again?

The more i create, the more i destroy. I've been re-creating my own personality for countless times this year... and yet... yet there'll always be something up ahead that'll cause me to destroy that inner self... Perhaps i'm reaching my transition period again...

FYI, a transition period is when an organism has only it's biological matter that lives on... meaning, it does not have a soul and it might lose it's ability to survive if the soul fails to be recreated...

Sigh.. i'm lacking of energy to start on another homonculus to patch up this wounded soul.. destroying it and re-using that energy scrapped from it would be a rather feasible choice... But it'll definitely produce a random result... should i make that sacrifice? or should i live on enduring such... torment...

I want people to be in my life, to care for me, to understand me, to accept me the way i am... (oh.. but who am i in the first place... haha.. i do not know...)

maybe it's time that i should continue with my regular... hmm.. haha.. nothing. anyway.. i hope that i'm not misunderstood... i really love the company of both of you. But maybe it's just me... maybe i'm just too sensitive... maybe.. maybe i'm just adultish (childish would seem rather weird to the little prince...)

Oh.. and i completed my work and stuffs already... sent to the person to collate, unless you want my version of it, i'd gladly send it over to you. Once again... i'm sorry.. it's my fault... whatever it is.. just blame it on me, i dun mind...

20061219

12/19/2006 11:19:00 PM

Today, i shall start keeping a log for my novel... [Existence]
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Chapter 1 -- Foolishness

"That's a sunset? Gosh, it's beautiful... but somehow... it makes me feel sad..."

And there he was, an eleven-year-old thinking aloud to himself as he saw at the top of the gorge, for the first time in his life, a sunset that was so magnificiently painted into the horizon with streaks of orange, yellow and purple.

He didn't have a name. All he knew with the intelligence of an eleven-year-old was that he was called "that heretic child" in the village that was set in between a deep gorge... This village had long shut its doors from the world of trade and commerce, somewhat like a tribal society which refused to accept the customs and cultures of the outside world. It has a rather small population, however, the settlement appears to be rather nucleated...

The residents were mainly of a race that is not known to this world. Most of them had a rather pale skin colour whereas there were also exceptions where some had tanned exteriors due to the long working hours under that blazing hot sun. Another feature that made the residents so special was that they had violet lenses for their pupils (eyes). Strange, aren't they?

"There he is... that heretic child's been walking along this street everyday," one of the stall keepers whispered to his customer, "many of us despise him. Somehow, he seems to emanate an aura which dispels the good karma around the stalls set up here... So..."

The customer shook her head, not in disbelief, but it had long became a habit, for that same stall keeper had been telling her the same thing everyday at the same time of the day. All that customer wanted was to grab her goods (which would only arrive at that specific timing of the day) from that stall and leave as she had also believed that the child was abnormal...

"If only i knew what was wrong with me... If only i were able to leave this village to seek out those whom i would really like to be with. If only i were of a suitable age such that my mom would allow me to go on a journey to seek out... umm.. what was that word... was it happiness? Now hold on... what IS happiness in the first place?"

-- End of Chapter 1 (Part I) --

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Guess it was a little boring there... oh well, your choice if you'd want to read on for the next episode.

20061218

12/18/2006 11:09:00 PM

Sarcasm... It is only spoken by me when happiness reaches out to catch me when i fall... And... somehow, it was being integrated into the presentation which i had been working on the entire afternoon...

When i look back at the slide show now, i still laugh at those tiny comments i made here and there within the presentation... Gosh... is that what i'm going to present to the whole school? Currently still waiting her to vet through that part of my presentation.. hope it's going to be a smooth one, so that i won't have to edit much.. haha (yea.. i admit that i'm very lazy...)

hmm.. I've been in quite a daze today; Thinking of things that i shouldn't be dwelling upon. I should just commit my thoughts to studying... just studying.. and nothing else. Even though... even though i might still be affected by things at times... Been listening to [My Wish] by Rascal Flatts... the lyrics... sigh.. nvm.. i shan't say anymore.
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Mom just said something very true today... here's what it was after i rephrased it,

"Newton's third law of motion applies to every two individual or collective objects that are somehow related to one another, where time is not considered as a determining factor..."

Think about it...
Is the weather affecting us? Or are we the ones affecting the weather?
Are we really happy in whatever we're doing? Or is it the atmosphere in the surroundings that spurs us on?
Am i blogging because i'm thinking? Or am i thinking for the sake of blogging?
.
..
...

And it goes on...
Are you reading this because you're interested in what i might type today?
Or are you just interested in what i might type about you?
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If only... if only i could stop thinking about things... everything would be just fine for me... but of course, i won't feel the happiness that i'm feeling now... haha.. guess that's what the duty of being a donor is...

20061216

12/16/2006 07:30:00 PM

Went to the BBQ last night, "Roast chicken" was there too.. haha (No worries, no one knows who is this roast chicken except me.. hehehe)

Lotsa food.. umm.. massed cooked everything.. just spammed cooking... GOSH.. i can't believe i cooked for 3 hours non-stop.. Here are some amazing statistics (cooked with one pit managed solely by me):

Satay: 23 at one time, record timing was 1.5 minutes.
Otah: 19 at one time, record timing was 1++ minutes.
Buffalo Wings: 20 at one time, record timing was 2++ minutes (special technique involved here)
Skewered Fish: 18 at one time, record time was 5 minutes (took really long to cook that.. phew)

And YES!! i broke my record for the time i took in order to start the fire for the BBQ.. HAHA.. couldn't believe that i done it within 15 minutes!! OMG.. must do it faster next time.. haha.. and gosh.. even Ms Tan said that my fire was good.. (gosh.. better not be too complacent.. haha.. must strive to do better in the next BBQ!!)
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I was forever with the adults.. never with the rest of the students. Chatted the whole night with her, her dad and one of her friends. (Now serously, it does seem a little suspicious... but nah.. hahaaa.. it's unlikely of me to probe... but.. yea, curiosity kills the cat) We were all seated at the balcony.. the rest of the kids were either in the living room or in the study room watching the tele.

Was it because i couldn't blend in? hmm.. nvm.. better not be bothered about such small stuff which can be settled by me alone. Yea.. and sk.. i'm reading [The Alchemist] currently. She lent it to me this morning before i left.

All in all, wonderful time spent, everyone was happy with whatever that was offered to them. I'm glad... (even now.. when i think back during moments of peace and quietness.. curiosity still does get the better of me... and it all seems soooo suspicious... haha.. but no matter)

20061214

12/14/2006 09:35:00 PM

hmm.. now to talk about this word called existence... have you wondered why we all exist in this world? I told a friend of mine yesterday (I'd call her a really good friend, but i'm don't wish to give myself a position that isn't mine in her heart.. haha.. pardon my "pessimism" if you're reading this..), the reason of our existence... (ok.. i can't really rmb what i said.. so i'd just get the meaning over...)

"Whatever you might do... please try not to multitask. When you multitask, you're actually reducing the essence of existence that was in whatever you were doing at first... So that thing will eventually lose existence in your heart... Imagine... you are on msn and.. you're talking to someone else who is talking to so many other people... and what the other party replies you are only 1 sentence or 1 word answers.. will you still be able to feel your own existence?

So, i just brought you into the shoes of someone who was at the brink of losing his or her existence... What if you were the other person... would you want to close all the other conversations (if unimportant) and concentrate on helping someone regain that flickering existence within? Would you be happy if someone would do that for you? I'm sure you definitely would... So why not think more for others and less for yourself? Why not give them the existence to move on with life?"
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Ok.. umm.. that similar person i mentioned earlier made a request for a topic to be re-posted here... So i shall grant that person's wish.

Still remember that post in which i mentioned about the equation linking Fate, Effort and Coincidence (Inevitability)?
Fate = Effort + Inevitability
Where:
Inevitability is a constant,
Fate and effort are variables.
So what if Effort = 0?
Then Fate = Inevitability -- {EQN 1}, this means that the situation is entirely due to fate and that it's unavoidable. This usually denotes the start of a meeting with someone new or whatever.

So if Fate = 0?
Then Effort = (-Inevitability) -- {EQN 2}, this means that if fate isn't there anymore, then any extra effort that is put in will lead to lesser inevitability and this will eventually bring the situation/relationship to an end.

So when you put EQN1 together in the next equation (EQN3) which is...
Fate = Effort + Inevitability {EQN 3}
where,
Fate is a constant which is affected by inevitability (EQN 1)
Effort is a variable
Inevitability tends to "0".

Then effort is there to try to sustain the Fate when Inevitability tends to "0". But you notice, as both inevitability and fate decreases together, effort will decrease at an exponential rate. This usually depicts a situation that cannot be saved anymore. This will then be linked to EQN 2 where effort will bring about lesser inevitability... Confusing eh?

In any case... just remember that, if fate allows people to meet, effort will be the one that sustains it. EQN 1 can be ignored as inevitability tends to "0"... You'll see in this final equation here...
Fate = Effort
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That's all.. hope that you understand what i typed.. haha..

20061212

12/12/2006 07:02:00 PM

There we go... I made my final move today... at the very least, I'm finally leaving Council... for good... unless.. Nah, it's not very nice to state conditions. That'll cause me to appear to be such a childish and calculative fellow, which is really, not who i am... and neither will i be happy to be that way...

I was really happy today, not because i was treated for lunch (but i definitely didn't feel good to spend the hard-earned money of someone unrelated to me... especially stuff which are considered rather expensive to me...), but because i had the company of... perhaps... 2 great friends. Or maybe... but really, one of which whom was able to guess what i'm thinking and doing... and of course, the other who is still very much like a child.

I have finished reading the book titled "The Little Prince" by Antoine de Saint-Exupery. There were several amusing and humorous chapters, about how a little boy would view the world of the adults. However, it is till the end, that i actually realised... or perhaps i did realise long ago.. but i think i phrased it in a very umm.. offensive way... I once said something like...

"It is not I who is the higher being, instead, it is the rest of the human race that had gone through the deterioration process. They lack the essence of what it means to be a human being. They lack what it takes to be what that is granted to them. Even if i might not be able to correct such a calamity that befell upon this planet and dimension... May there be judgement passed upon them and may it be served, such that an important lesson can be gained from it..."

Now, after reading that thin yet enlightening book, i found a moral behind that story that had a similar meaning to what i once said while i hated humans... and now i know why that is so... because...

"Perhaps it had been the adults who had been childish all this while... such that they can no longer behave and understand things in the ever rational way of a child..."

because... i'm still a child....
If you are one too, that means you'd still be able to see that adults are actually so complex that they had forgotten what they had once been wondering about... I'm glad... that i actually know 2 of which whom are still children in their own generations.. at least... there are still people of my kind whom are still existent on this cruel Earth...

20061210

12/10/2006 09:12:00 PM

hmm.. just attached some music to my blog.. hope yeh all like it.. haha and many thanks to my cousin for teaching me how to do it.. haha.

This song... sang by Harlem Yu... has rather touching lyrics. And yes, i know, it's in mandarin... but well.. haha, just enjoy it.

The lyrics are just below. umm please go to "View" tab and then go to "Encoding" and switch it to "Unicode (UTF-8)" to view whatever that's down there.. yep.. enjoy

静静的 -- 庾澄慶

空氣裡躲著什麼　
有點浪漫的心動　
我偷偷看你　你也偷偷看我

世界上多了什麼　
好像變得很不同　
站在你身邊　這一切都好寬闊

我還在等著你　
靜靜的愛我　
只要有你陪我　靜靜的就足夠
你也在等著我　
靜靜的溫柔　
就這樣手牽手　靜靜的看著天空

心裡面藏著什麼　
你只想要讓我懂　
原來我的夢　也就是你的夢

紙條上寫了什麼　
我好想要聽你說　
讓字字句句　充滿我們的笑容

我還在等著你　
靜靜的愛我　
只要有你陪我　靜靜的就足夠
你也在等著我　
靜靜的溫柔　
就這樣手牽手　靜靜的看著天空

永遠要記得　
那天彼此許下的承諾　
瞬間點亮的火花　是我們的擁有~

我還在等著你　
靜靜的愛我　
只要有你陪我　靜靜的就足夠
你也在等著我　
靜靜的溫柔　
就這樣手牽手　靜靜的看著天空
靜靜的手牽手是最簡單的　夢
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Well.. made the font huge just in case you can't see it and might start complaining about it.. haha.. Anyway.. these lyrics touched my heart of steel, so i hope it did to you too. haha..

"I know it's just a dream that'll never come true... but isn't love the same? You'll still love the other party even though you know that it won't turn out to be fruitful..."

20061209

12/09/2006 05:59:00 PM

Some aeons ago, in some parallel world... there lived a load of bread. This bread thing isn't some normal gardenia that you might find every morning in grocery stores. And no, please don't think it as some kind of super bread or whatever. It's just a loaf of bread with the ability to fill someone's stomach. Sounds really normal to you, doesn't it?

The bread was put up for sale in some run-down bakery. From the looks of it, this bread would seem as though it would be the last loaf of bread which the bakery could sell. However, the owner of the bakery would never have expected a total of 10 customers from all walks of life to walk into his humble little store.

Of these 10 different people, there was a family of 4, 3 different individuals who were extremely affluent as well as 3 of which who held grudges against one another. As that loaf of bread was the only piece of bread that's left on the shelf, the baker had this wonderful idea. He took out a plastic card and wrote "Closing down sale" on it with a permanent marker. He then placed it in front of the loaf of bread and said, "Today is the last day for the operation of my bakery. Everything here is up for grabs except that loaf of bread which will be priced at $9999.99."

The customers at the scene reacted to the baker's words very differently.

1. The family of 4

The 2 children insisted that they wanted the bread and that nothing else mattered to them. Their father was silent about the whole situation. Their mother, on the other hand, was bent on trying to get the price of the bread down to a feasible value. After much haggling, the baker decided not to sell the bread to the family, instead, he tore off 0.25 of the bread and gave it to the children. He then said, "Try it, and tell me how does it taste like..."

The children tasted it and jumped for joy. They said it was the best bread they had ever tasted thus far and were satisfied with it. And so.. they went off.

2. The group of 3 at loggerheads with one another

The first one said, "I'll never let any of the other 2 buy this loaf of bread!"
The second one said that same thing... and so did the third...
These 3 people then went around the shop and started to loot everything in it, except that loaf of half-eaten bread. Each of them wanted to be better than each other so badly that they had completely forgotten about the bread...
This competition carried on among themselves and the baker moved on to serve the rest of the customers.

3. The group of 3 individuals

The first one came and said, "I'd buy the bread if it hadn't been pinched by you."
The second one said, "I'd buy the bread if you tell me the reason why it's priced at such a high price."
The third one said nothing and stood behind the first and the second.
After which, the first and the second persons left the bakery. And of course, the 3 were still arguing at one corner of the bakery.
That was then, the third guy opened his mouth and muttered, "I'd buy the bread... if you could set the price at the amount at which you first bought this shop."

The baker was shocked. He had never seen anyone so stupid to want to buy part of a loaf of bread at a higher price then the stated amount. He then asked that person why would he want to do so.
And the third person replied, "There must've been a very special reason why you've set such a high price for this loaf of bread. And... since you wouldn't tell the person who asked you why, i'd like to take this chance to discover it for myself."

He seemed really sincere in buying that loaf of half-eaten bread. Under the gaze of such sincere looking eyes, the baker felt guilty towards him. He then lowered the price to what he would set for a normal loaf of half-eaten bread.
"Alright, you can have it at half a dollar."
The third person said nothing... he pulled out a cheque book and started scribbling words and numbers onto it. "Nevermind, it's alright, you don't have to pack it. I'll just eat it straight. Here's the payment..."

The third guy left the store... All the baker could see was a black silhouette which blocked off the sunlight that shown through the door as it opened... He then took a glance of that cheque he was given and started to cry... He would never have thought that he could have another chance to live life again...

And of course, the 3 of them were still busy arguing. They were chased out of the bakery later that day.
And yes, like all fairytales, I'd like to end off with the baker living happily ever after...
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Hmm.. this is just a short story which i came up with after i felt happiness... The bread actually didn't have any special chemical in it. It was just a plain loaf of bread, however, to those who know how to cherish what's given to them, it is, but of course, a different story...

20061207

12/07/2006 10:04:00 PM

To hope, but not to expect... I'm on my road to recovery... i wanna try to curb this addiction... I don't wanna rely on them anymore... (Please don't infer in the wrong direction, what i'm taking is like a double-edged sword... haha).

I'm happy!!

Ok.. enough of that crap.. perhaps.. without council, without my classmates... I really feel happiness. If only my class was made up of people from the china trip.. But you can't have everything, can you? I should just cherish what i have right? Yep, so i should just remain NICE and QUIET (that's what i always do...). Just continue to be the perfect student that every teacher would like.

Thanks for helping me fit that window onto that huge living room wall... Now.. i can see the sunshine whenever i want to. I'll never have to be exposed to others and feel happy at the same time in my own world.. Oh, and i fixed up the front door too, check it out when you have time! It's umm.. GRAND, and.. NICE. haha.. Er.. but there's one thing that i can never replace; That is, that padlock which helps to keep the outside world from destroying any glasses inside my world... Nope, i dun want my glasses to shatter alright...

Ah.. and that window.. it's made of double-glazed thingys.. so, i guess it won't crack that easily. Yep, My newly renovated world is much much stronger now.
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Hmm.. no matter what... that room will still remain existent, and i'll never dare to walk into it... unless... someone would show me that it isn't gonna hurt a bit... I'm sure every human would have a room like that of their own.. haha, so.. have you found someone to guide you through it? I haven't found mine though.. And, i don't intend to... I'll let her find me, so that i can guide her through that room... that she had feared since she was born. Ok.. doesn't matter if you dun understand, haha.. this sure does look nonsensical to any passerby though..

Hmm.. so now, i've given out 3 keys... 3 of those who passed. Perhaps it was really a blessing in disguise.. haha.. I'm so glad..

20061206

12/06/2006 07:55:00 PM

So i took the risk today... I thought that by meeting them today would make me happy, and i was right, but only to a certain extent...

I'm unsure of what i should say here... Perhaps Gemini's do tend to seek more attention after they've acquired it, and perhaps they do get disappointed when they aren't able to get any more of it... but nah, it's nothing... Perhaps it's just me, perhaps it was because i took the risk... and have failed to follow instructions. Perhaps i was too sensitive towards everything... yea.. i should just care less and act blur.

The weather amplified those emotions... I said nothing, just kept really quiet... for i feared that i might say something hurtful in a time like this. Argh.. what was i thinking... I should stop thinking... but i hear my speech in my head... that frustration... i was fighting back... to regain myself, at least... Am i possessive? Thou shall never be! I'm not like him! I'll never be like him even though his blood runs in my veins. NEVER!!

GAH!! Shouldn't have risked it...
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I'm alright now... it's taking effect gradually. As long as i'm alone... i'll be safe from the thoughts of having someone by my side. I'll be safe from being inexistent... I'll be so safe in my own world... I don't wanna judge humans anymore... for if i continued to do so... I'd end up in a lunatic ward... Stop thinking. Just stop. Stop right here.
I want the old me back... i want my unfeeling soul to return.
I want to live in a world of black and white... I want to be the acceptor!!
I want to reciprocate but not initiate!!
I want to be strong!
I want to be someone who'd be unaffected by the surrounding people, be it for better or worse...

"I want to be me..."
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Really thanks for that meal today, i feel kind of bad to be a sort of "burden" to you... so, please if in anyway you might need something in future or whatever that i can do to compensate.... please please please tell me. I'll always be there if you need my help. Yeap, so thanks once again... Thank you so much.

Better start studying... can't afford to waste anymore time.

20061205

12/05/2006 09:17:00 PM

A coincidence? Or was it just inevitable? A bond forged today... was it merely coincidental? Or was it already planned out such that it would be inevitable? I'm still bent on believing that it's inevitable rather than coincidental...

Anyway, I found someone whom i could talk to. Someone who has the same or perhaps higher level of maturity as me. And i'm glad, because it is not anyone who can discuss things in such depth. It's not anyone who is able to see the light behind the cold, greyish stone-like exterior that everyone else would view me as. Now that's what i call "not judging a book by it's cover..." So.. Yup, if you're reading it, THANKS!! REALLY!! I'm so grateful towards you.. haha..

There wasn't anything that left me any amount of impression today... except the meeting of someone which i mentioned in the earlier paragraph. Nothing huge enough to stimulate my philosophical self.. sigh.. perhaps i'm just too drained? Better to just take a rest and stop thinking for a sec... Yeap, i'll work harder tomorrow, I must!!

20061204

12/04/2006 07:45:00 PM

Forsaken

--------------

Phasing in and out i have,

Pacing back and forth i've been...

Talking to this lifeless screen i may,

When my heart's so blue-ishly gray...

In times of need,

They succumb to greed...

In times of joy,

They create decoys...

My world, my life, my future,

As simple as an overture...

My heart, my mind, my soul,

Swedish cheese with holes...

Theories and concepts i grasped,

Apply to prove i must...

With all these obstacles at bay,

No harm crossing them my way...

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Dunno.. perhaps i'm just too emotional... Too bothered... There's been so much going on in life... I just can't seem to carry on much longer. I miss someone badly, yet i can't voice it out. I want to be who i was before, yet time and tide STILL waits for no man. That's why i wrote that poem. To tell those around me... that i'll be doing things MY way from now on. Just my way, and nothing more.

So this will be my new address from now on, until i feel that everyone KNOWS who i am again, at the very least. Nah.. forget it. Not many people will understand my many personalities... they only know a few of them, but they'll never ever know what it'll be like to know someone with 11 personalities all fused into one. No one.. not even those whom are SO close to me.. no one knows...

20061203

12/03/2006 11:17:00 PM

"Dimensional shifts in emotional drifts..." Think about it. Just think. And when you can figure it out, you would have found part of yourself. Yeah, some people might think that i'm just crapping around with my "Joey-ism"... WHATEVER...

Anyway, i just returned from some class BBQ. It was great, I was doing some of my "Joey-style" cooking at first, but i got shoo-ed away by some of the gals and they ended up cooking the stuffs... no fair... Sigh... nvm, save my energy in doing so... and i was wearing a white T-shirt, so... i'm better off sitting somewhere further away from the pit.

There were these so-called "buffalo wings" which didn't really taste like what they should be... Some satay, otah... umm, hot dogs (but i didn't try any, considering that the way the gals cooked it was rather... uncivilised... haha), crab sticks, marshmellows, banana-wrapped chocolate and.. not forgetting that stingray (didn't eat any of that... just didn't like the idea of it... and i always thought stingrays were cute... so ya). It was a rather huge spread of umm.. delicacies. From the way that i'm decribing the stuffs... i hope i didn't make you drool.. cos here's the part that you wouldn't want to know upon seeing such food... And that is, the gals didn't cook the food properly... the satay was half-raw and so was the otah... but it tasted good anyway, so what the heck.. haha

We had some drinks too, some vodka (40% alc)... and had 7 shots of it (wooooh...) and i'm still sober-ish enough considering that i can still type this entry with much rationality. It didn't taste THAT bad, just a little spicy, somewhat like ginger. Overall it was just great.

Umm.. I left at around 21 20 hrs, guess they thought that i was such a spoilsport... nvm. Walked all the way to Westmall in order to sweat the alcohol out, so that my face would lose the reddish-ness. I had to get to Westmall before 21 30 hrs so as to surprise someone... haha, if you're reading this, you'd better smile, cos i took that effort to walk there and surprise you. hehe.. Anyway, done some shopping for... hmm.. ya, some stuff to prepare for some occasion.

LOL!! she didn't look as if she was a sales assistant at all!! I mean.. well... haha ok, she looked more like a customer than whatever. ok.. better not say so much about that, just in case she might come into my dream tonight to plummet me with her fists... OMG... just by the thought of it... it does send a chill down my spine.. gosh... HAHA, joking, don't take it to heart ok?

Was a little mischevious and took the "wrong" MRT train heading for the wrong direction... ok.. whatever you might be thinking... just take it that i was just bored... haha

Sigh.. i feel like sleeping but i can't sleep... the deadline for the WSPC WS programme is tomorrow.. and yet we're only 98.99% complete... Saddening... ok.. i shall sign off here...

20061202

12/02/2006 09:23:00 PM

I'm already doing the best of what this current me now can do for the family... if it's being stretched any further, i might have to destroy this current me you know and create a new one... The status effects incurred by creating a new personality... still remains to be an unknown, just like in any mathematical equation. So... is that really what they want? If it is... then, there'll be no guarantee that i can create something better. It might also end up as another failed experiment. So, do you want me to remain this way so that i can remain safe and unharmed? Which is more important?
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"That's the final straw for you? So.. you're just trying to be an acceptor?"

"Jackpot!"

"Is there any feasible way that'll maintain the harmony? And at the same time, to give you, or rather, the both of us joy at the same time?"

"Nope, you feel, i think. So, you are the one who is going to benefit by keeping this personality, whereas i'll be the one doing my best to pave the way ahead, to ensure that this personality will remain stable... Hard work..."

"Will keigo work out well? but the thing is, even by using keigo to minimise conflicts, they still seem to arise outta nowhere... That'll cancel the joy out..."

"I'll be working on the keigo part. You just remember to stop being so emotional and.. er.. do something to stop the 'D' guy from surfacing... perhaps do some singing or jamming on guitar... or whatever... dun want him to destroy you again for some stupid reason..."

"Yeah, will do that if nothing happens in between. Thanks..."
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This is a short conversation between the Irrational and the Realist... tch.. do i sound mad? Some might think of it that way...

I remember i said something that day...

"Those who already have something of at the very least.. a minimal value should compare with those who do not even have it. They will feel that they're more fortunate that way."
"Those who achieved results by using their resources, they should compare their results with those who are much better off. This will spur them on further... to achieve greater goals and to scale greater heights."

I guess they did not understand what i mean. Look, i'm not a "result", instead, i'm that item of minimal value that should be used in comparison with someone who does not even have the fortune to have me. Whereas in my case, I should, myself, view myself as the result... and thus, i should be comparing with those better off than me and not those worse off than me (WHICH I AM DOING SO IF YOU GUYS DIDN'T KNOW).

Yup.. i know, i'm still rather fume-ish, but really, perhaps... my personality has finally stabilised and that i'm so afraid to lose it again. I'm down on my knees to beg all of you out there who knows me, don't make me destroy my current "me"... you won't want me to return to a state of instability... I still kinda recall those days in which i wielded my sword wildly... hurting everyone around me... You won't want me like that, do you?

20061201

12/01/2006 06:40:00 PM

I just did another self-evaluation... this time... I discovered that i actually changed my personality 6 times for just the duration of this one year in PJC... The reason why i went into such deep thought.. because someone asked me if i had split personality... and also because my mom (yes, i'm bold enough to write it) said that i changed a lot, to someone she didn't know anymore. (whatever)

Ok.. here goes my evaluation...
1st change: PAE -- More or less a happy person... where all my personalities are balanced.

2nd change: JAE -- Emotional... Don't wish to study, still playful, but not as happy. Just plain normal...

3rd change: Before Council Elections -- Ambitious, Heartless person. Ruled by the brain. Speech was my weapon, to attack and to defend...

4th change: After Joining Council -- Slackened a little, didn't open up. Introverted, hated humans more than ever. (The only reason why i was in there then... was for that freaking line in the testimonial...)

5th change: After liking someone i shouldn't have -- Shattered... Emotional, depressed. Grown even more introverted. Unable to return to my "original" state. Saddening to see myself in such a state, but whatever, it's over.

6th change: After China Trip -- Found joy in knowing others... Finally could smile a little. Relationship with family worsens further... Finally opened up a little more, less introverted. Happy... Just happy, and i don't wanna let it go.
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I once said before...

"Those who want to prove, will never prove because their heart isn't there... Those who do not wish to prove, will reach their goals because... they know they can."

I have my reasons for stating this here... Those who know, figure it out yourself. Those who do not know, remain that way. Knowledge can kill at times, knowing to much is akin to have a reaper to follow you wherever you go... Just remember, the lesser you know, the safer you are from whatever danger that might lurk in the shadows... Yeap..
Anyways... Some of you might not have figured out the answer for a question i posted earlier...
"Who are you when you are not?"

Ans: I am who i am, not what others see me as.

Simple as it can be... The execution of this is literally one of the hardest things in life. Some of us... may have not even found who we really are, even me... LOL, imagine that i'd switched personalities like WHATEVER for this entire year... (but who cares anyway, it's not anyone else's business... it's my own..) Well, but at least i know what is going on with my character... some of them do not even know... some of them don't even wish to reflect upon themselves... and some... some even reflected in the wrong direction. Yea, everyone, just think... think about who you are. That's all, that's all everyone on this world should do. Once they know who they are, they'll eventually find out their own destiny. I'm still looking for my most stable characteristic... Searching... haha.. i believe some people call this ... Soul searching? LOL.. that's a joke, ignore it if it's cold.
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Right now... I'm just singing my sorrows away... Nothing else.. how unproductive. Yea.. the current me wishes to maximise productivity in whatever i do. But now.. perhaps i'm only trying my best to memorise the lyrics of this song.. haha...

hmm.. and also... i dunno... but who cares about what i'm thinking anyway. it doesn't matter as long as i keep this shield of "keigo" up and running. Well, it does work well in preventing any conflicts. haha.. gah.. can't type anymore.. something's wrong with my hands... kk, gtg, sigh.. think through what i've said.

To my student: Take care and rmb to do my homework i gave!! Oh.. and dun overstress like me.. haha..