{Why'd you have to be so clueless?.

20061031

10/31/2006 12:57:00 PM

Somebody please help me.. i don't want to be misunderstood... I want to stop offending others... I'm trying so hard to be someone who is stronger, but what's happening? Is he really what i want to be? Is revenge really what i want? Was he really that powerful in the past such that i want his personality back? If so... How did he die back then? if he was successful... how was he sealed? What sealed him back then? I need to recall, i need to seal him now. But what will happen if i seal him? what will happen to me? I have no fixed personality.. I'm mutable, ever changeable... SIGH.. I hate myself...

And he asks me, "Why blame yourself? they are the one's who caused such misery to you..." He's right to a certain extent. but... i can't... There was once.. i told my mom, I could well be the next Hitler... I'm afraid... If my hunger for revenge gets the better of me... I can really do cruel things to others. not physically, but mentally and emotionally.

I once said something which allowed my mom to ponder over some time...

"There are many geniuses in this world... but how many actually put their intelligence into good use? even if it were put into good use... are they appreciated? But what if they used it to cause suffering? They gain respect! They get all the fame they can get! How many people actually realise this cruel truth... every year, there are countless geniuses in this world who wished to show that they were unique. Every year, all these geniuses were either driven crazy by the people around them, or that they started to live in seclusion, away from the wretched human race. That in turn leaves the society with lesser geniuses to work with... which results in a loss of manpower here and there. Now, successful geniuses are actually those who hold lowly corporate jobs. How many of them actually wanted to play extroversion and interact with other humans? And why would they even do so? Life is such a tiring journey for these people... Such that some even caused great destruction to the world. The hatred they bore towards humans... the despair they had in them. All this led to the rise of mad scientists, dictators, or even cult leaders. No one appreciated them. No one wanted to talk to these freaks... I'm one of them, I'm not saying that i'm a genius.. but.. everyone... i'm starting to see how ugly humans can get over trivial matters... I could well be the next Hitler."

Then my mom said... you're who you are, and no matter what... I'll always be rooting for you. But if you really want to become the next Hitler... I'll just have to stop you myself.

you know.. the many years of exposure to these humans.. i'm really tired of them. They all seem to have the same characteristics... They have all sinned. And whatever the case.. they'll be punished someday. It's only equivalent trade...

this was what that made him so strong... his unfeeling personality... the only way to seal him is love... if only i can see the happiness that emanates from humans again... perhaps.. that's the only chance of sealing such evil. He'll surface as long as i'm lost. but i don't like him, even though he saved me countless times... I'm not him, he was me. Sigh... i'm the cause for all that misery...

20061030

10/30/2006 03:40:00 PM

great.. i promoted.. but with an underlined "S" for GP... DEPRESSED!!! but overall got AAB.. dumb maths got "B".. sad.. And today.. yea, i guess... haha.. i can't believe that hungry her never finish up all those cookies!! haha.. So happy.. er.. but well.. yea.. she no longer joked around with me and said that it was all of the gals' effort... if it were in the past, she wouldn't have said that. Perhaps i was too observant... too detailed. But nonetheless... I guess she doesn't want me anymore, other than me being her tutor, her friend (and just her friend)... You know.. somehow, i always felt that i am always being made the second choice for others to choose... never was i the first choice. That's why i don't feel any warmth from anyone... since when was i the first priority in all the hearts of all those strangers, or rather friends? How can i even put them at a higher priority when i don't even get it back? I've learnt my lesson... I dun wanna get hurt again. i'm not desperate.

The relationships encountered in life... they are just like the different stock listings that people invest in the stock market. Somehow... all of those in which i'd invested in... they all seem to fall after awhile... making me feel at a loss. So.. what's the best way to solve the probbo? Don't even invest! Dun even put a stranger on the highest priority. Dun even depend on others, dun beg them for help. but instead, let them go on their knees and beg you for it. I love to see those pathetic faces... crying for help... haha... i can't seem to feel for humans anymore... that was the last straw... i tried to feel, i tried to grow my emotions, but well, they dried up and died due to the lack of water (effort from others). Who gives a damned about them anyway... sometimes i really wonder...

The scene still replays itself, i'll never forget. But a voice in my head keeps telling me to forgive humans for their immaturity, their naiveness (if there was such a word). Love stinks, i tell you, even my dog's poop smells better than it... I've given up hope in humans... but yet, I'm still... waiting for her? haha.. dare not have high hopes though... she's all but just... another human being, just like everyone else. If only everyone was pure... if only everyone wasn't tainted... This world would've been so perfect. Someone used to say.. the world isn't perfect, that's why it's beautiful... So just how beautiful is beautiful? I don't see it... I don't see any even a trace of it... She doesn't care about me anymore, everything will really just end here... for her... whereas i'm still in my dream... with that imaginary her, enjoying that sunset. I don't know how to love myself. Here i am.. still stabbing my heart continuously with that same dagger she used.

I would wait for her, becos she left me a memory that cannot be erased. but.. will she ever remember? that there was ever someone so devoted? so selfless? I doubt so... and i'll just be forgotten like that. those days.. just forgotten like that... Even if she came back to me (the second choice) one day... will she be able to prove herself, in which she didn't before? Will she let me see the better side of humans again? I'm a human too... and now i feel that it's a disgrace to be one... perhaps.. will she? Will she hurt me again if she came back? But i'm still waiting... waiting aimlessly... with a glint of hope.

This cookie... haha.. of hope? nah.. it's just a cookie... effort, yes there is, i see it in the cookie... but not the effort put in by people to care about my stuff. If humans ever know how to at the very least care about my life... i guess i'd been a happier person. but now... i've given up all the hope in them.. that i dun even wish they cared. perhaps only if she wanted to care... before that, i'll not open up to others so easily. getting hurt by one person is enough.

20061029

10/29/2006 09:41:00 PM

Just came back from HMV... woah.. it's been a long time since i went to orchard... Really.. sigh.. went there to walk and walk walk walk... Shop also.. i was never a good shopper, but i'm always patient enough to walk around with someone who knows how to shop.. haha.. I'm like a trolley today... carrying loads of stuff for my mom... also confided alot of stuff to her. Yea... sometimes she drives me nuts, but ya know, she's the best pal i'd ever have such that i won't even feel lonely even when i had no friends beside me. Thanks mommy...

But.. my mom asked the same question whenever i was quiet... she asked me what i was thinking.. and i said nothing. I just stared at her with those eyes... She knew i needed help... i looked so dead..

my mom felt as though my body was right next to her, following her, but my soul was somewhere else... which indeed i was.. i was still at the park, sitting alone at that bench, replaying that scene, over and over and over and over again... sitting alone in that double decker bus...

I was also replaying those happy memories.. and comparing them with that very day... She said she had problems with right and left.. haha, that made me smile, she didn't know how to cook her dinner, that made me smile too. her sweetness towards me... while chatting, in that 3 days, or even before we liked one another... it made me smile. then i thought, how could such a nice person hurt me? perhaps the blow that day was of a stronger magnitude than the happy memories we had together? such that it overlapped all those happy ones? Is that so? Am i still able to smile? but i did.. when i pictured her smile in my mind... in those memories, i felt happiness... but.. like a filmstrip.., it will fade away, or oxidise or whatever... I'd really wish to take a photo of that smile... so that i can be reminded of her. so that i can be reminded that she actually put such a natural smile on my face..

My mom said two things that left a deep impression on me... Firstly, she said, "If you're able to look back at a relationship and you can still smile about it, you have made a great achievement in life. but the thing is, it can only happen when you're married with that person, haha, ok that was a joke, but really, believe me."

Secondly, she said, "Do your (current) dad's method, it works wonders!" haha.. my dad's one heck of a guy, boring, average looking, but really great personality! He did it!!, but i'm not gonna write it here.. that's my secret. No one shall know about it.

Mr Patrick Tong sms-ed me today, he asked me to go for some photo taking shit, i told him i CMI. WHY he asked.. i told him family business. and he probed further, and i told him it's too personal to divulge. Then he was really insensitive... he told me that i should not let family matters take away my commitment towards the college.. now this is not a chicken and egg problem.. the ans is very simple. if you were to ask me to rank my priorities, i think my mom's life would come first. So i told him straight in my sms, that he was really insensitve to say that. He doesn't deserve my respect, so i won't give him any. I don't care what i'll face in the future, if he wants to challenge me, i'd gladly take up his challenge!

20061028

10/28/2006 10:06:00 PM

Just came back from Singapore Polytechnic Convention Centre... Went there to watch my brother's end of year Kindergarten concert. For the first time.. perhaps really, this concert really changed my impression of young children. I used to stereotype children.. as in, i used to view all children as annoying, irritating attention seekers, as i used to be an introvert since young.. perhaps i expect too much from the younger generations, i want myself to be the best, but i can't expect them to be the best.

Those children are soooooooooooooooooooooo CUTE!!! ok.. that's all for the compliments... overall, this concert was just too impressive to be described. I totally OMG about the entire thing.. wow.. the kids these days really are smarter.. LOL.. OMG.. i'm still so ruddy impressed.. haha..

10/28/2006 10:41:00 AM

Maybe i'm just too free... maybe i'm just thinking too much.. maybe i might have untied that knot on the surface... but have i? somehow.. i failed to notice that line last time.. now as i step out of this circle of mine, to have a better picture... i suddenly saw it... she fears that it might get worse if it carries on... strange.. why didn't i see that last time?

sigh.. holidays... when there's literally nothing to take your mind off... one can really think until one goes crazy... I've been thinking and thinking since i woke up... and yes.. he's still sitting there in a daze.. i kinda affected him. If this carries on.. will i be able to study as hard? i'll end up studying just for the sake of studying... there's no motivation at all... Why doesn't she have faith in herself? I'm not doubting her faith in me, i trust her for that. but really.. am i complaining too much? am i ranting too much? I can jolly well stop blogging... cos i always thought bloggers who wrote all their thoughts were inferior people as they didn't want to speak up but they still wanted others to know about them.. now i'm the inferior one... It's been almost a week.. i've been struggling for almost a week... I don't care about my results anymore, what's the point of such an unhappy life?

i guess the substitue really is just a figure i created in order to shield myself from further harm. but.. it is a futile attempt. The truth is there... it's within reach... or is it that i want to seek a truth that is harder to achieve and that's further away? i have 2 paths to choose from now.. one is to destroy the emotions... the other is to see what equivalent trade can return me. If Increase input = Increased damage to myself but also = increased chances of equivalence... then, it might be a good choice to try it out... i read something somewhere... it inspired me greatly.

If there was a fork in the road ahead... which path would you take? the right or the left path? if you went the left path.. and you went through all kinds of traps before you found a gold mine.. and you say HEY.. maybe the other path is easier??... but what if you took the right path and you realised that it was just a dead end or maybe you fell into some trap with absolutely nothing at all? I'm an RPG gamer. i usually take both paths in the game so that i won't miss out anything. but the thing is, Life isn't a game... so perhaps... maybe i am going through that trappy part now.. but will i end up finding the gold mine in the end?

Will someone please give me hope? I'm at the brink of my existence... i don't even have my own character now.. Who am i? i don't even know.. Why am i suddenly picking up a guitar? Why is it that I'm even blogging right now? I don't even know what is my purpose in life... The more i look at him sitting there on my bed, staring into space doing nothing.. the more i wonder... what's the point of him living in this dimension? He needs a shave though.. or else she'll ask him to shave on monday. He still has so many things to do.. and yet he's sitting there like a nut, so unproductive... but perhaps.. i'm only complaining.. haha complain king...

he's the substitute without a need to smile.. he's the substitute who does not require friends. He's the strongest substitute there is, cos he's what i am for the past 4 years in secondary school, prolly the most powerful personality i can remember. oh well.. what to do... what you see isn't what you get... What i am now? I'm just me... i'm like a soul stuck inside the most beautiful memory of my life. and what is he? he's just an artificial being... with no memories, no soul, no feelings, no emotions... a very boring life he leads... I feel sad for him.

AHH.. what a long post.. perhaps i'm really too free... imagine.. all these stuff i wrote here.. they were just 15 minutes of what i thought about... imagine if i were to write about whatever that i had thought about.. woah... my blog will be so huge.. haha.. ok.. i go jam on my guitar again.. then i won't think so much. LOL.. i'm never tired of waiting as long as i hope... even if it's false..

10/28/2006 08:43:00 AM

My memory is reset again... cold sweat as usual... what the hell is wrong with me... sure that i summoned that guy back to be my substitute for this period of time in order to seal those emotions, but... perhaps, he's not that efficient after all. he doesn't know that i'm blogging now, best that i keep this short, if he realizes that i'm saying all this, i'll not be forgiven, knowing his character...

Nothing, just that everytime when that memory resets... everything flows back into my brain. feeling saddened as usual... better go.. he's waking up soon...

20061027

10/27/2006 08:05:00 PM

After all those questions asked today.. i answered them all by taking out the guitar and just jamming whatever i felt... also playing a song in which really resembled how i felt... the title is "Ghost of You and Me"

Good lyrics, easy to sing (when you're feeling down). Just a great song for a person like me. haha.. nah.. She won't need to worry anymore... cos i just said something today which made great sense.

"If you really love that person, you shouldn't let that person worry about your safety or your health. You should let that person live happily without adding more worries to his or her mind."

I mean.. i don't want her to worry about me anymore... but i'll still worry about her. please don't tell me that it's unfair, i know it is, but i really love her a lot. So much that even my will is supporting my emotions. I won't shed tears anymore, helping her to obtain her happiness is the my main objective from now on. and yes.. like i said, in my previous posts today, i'll always wait for her. So.. ya, i'll go jam on my guitar again. LOL.. thinking of her and jamming on the guitar at the same time.. too bad i couldn't find the tabs for THAT song... sigh.. see how first.. i might even transpose my own. haha... We aren't strangers.. and i strive to be her best and most trusted friend. YEP, that's that... even though my memory will be reset to what it was that time every morning when i wake up... but i'll still try!! May my will be done!!

Be happy ok? cos you'll no longer have to spend so much time to worry about me anymore. Just treat me like what a trusted friend should be treated like... and when i manage to become your best friend, treat me like what it should be like. And when the time really comes... yea, should know what you should be doing. Keep your promise k?
I'll be here waiting for you, no matter what.

10/27/2006 12:37:00 PM

A short afternoon post... I was reading the message history just now... my conversation with her last night. I can't seem to feel the warmth from her anymore... those words that she said.. it didn't seem to come with feelings... Am i too sensitive? Am i thinking too much? But.. i'm really.. i can't.. Things aren't the same... WHY? I'm lost... not in thoughts, but literally lost.. in decision making, in doing absolutely anything at all.. Where did our strong (is that even the right word to describe?) bond dissociate to?

Am i being too demanding? I thought.. i thought.. and i thought for very long before even telling her that i like her... why must this happen? Was it really a mistake that i'd done in the past? what did i do wrong? did i deserve something like that? or.. were my tests not foolproof enough? she was the perfect candidate... She understood what i mean in every word i say, she could read my mind...

The more i thought of her, the more i loved her... are we really not fated to be together? is effort = (-coincidence) now? What's going on with my life? I'd rather exchange the good results for a happier life!! I don't want such material stuff... Why? Why must this happen to me? I'm just so going to fall soon.. and.. i'm unsure of how to pick myself up without her... Am i dependent on her? I am, but only to a certain extent. I depend on her for happiness, for trust, for companionship. that's all. What more can i ask for? from a person so perfect in my eyes? Am i blinded you might ask? I'm certainly sane enough to say that i'm not since i can evaluate what i need and what i do not need.

I'm like being thrown into some bottomless pit... Light seems so far away from me... I'm still falling with depth in the pit... will she ever throw that rope down to pull me up? or am i supposed to miraculously float up by myself... the thing is... miracles don't exist (if they said humans create miracles, then it's not even a miracle!!). Will i just be left alone to deal with my problem? hahaha... i'm such a pessimist.. but i can't help it. Well.. she can jolly well not come and save me... as long as she's happy, i don't mind if i continue to fall further... As long as she's safe, i can set my mind at rest... Even though it's so painful... to face it alone... even if i didn't have anyone by my side... as long as her smile is natural, as long as she is satisfied with her life now... it doesn't matter how i am at all...

I didn't love the wrong person... my intuition tells me so... i'll pull through this ordeal. Perhaps she's already waiting at the other end of it.. for me... perhaps... but i fear the truth... will she be there? I'm just so lost... LOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOST
LOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOST

10/27/2006 08:21:00 AM

woke up in cold sweat today... had a really frightening nightmare... imagine dying when an air bubble was accidentally injected into your bloodstream.. the feeling was sudden.. the pain.. the pain i felt was so real.. that it woke me up. I hardly have any dreams... i mean, maybe i had, but i can hardly remember. I dun wanna die now.. even though i'm not too happy.

We both want each other to be happy. but.. is there effort made? I'm trying my best.. to keep her happy, but is it enough? I mean.. when i woke up.. many thoughts rushed into my head.. it's like.. automatically reverting my memory to the state it was before it happened. everyday.. the same thing happens. I'll be reminded... She said we won't be strangers.. but the feeling is immense... if no effort is made to improve the situation.. or rather, if it's more or less one sided.. it may fall apart. Although i'd do my best to keep the "already shattered glass" in it's current state, preventing the shards from scattering... Even if those shards cut me in the process.. yea, i'll go on, protecting it from wind or rain or whatever which might destroy it.

Understanding.. there's absolutely no referee in the battle inside me. although i already know which side would win.. haha, but well, no one cares what happens inside this shell of mine. I'm so lonely, i admit... but i'm already used to it.. due to the long years of neglection.. till i can hardly feel for friends. I'm sorry, it's just.. i can't do it anymore... those feelings and emotions for friends have already been slaughtered by those crooks... there's no medium for me to revive them anymore..

And yes, I believe I didn't make the wrong decision... considering that all i see in her is really what i want. Need? perhaps.. i need a source of motivation to carry on. yea.. she's that source. but now.. all that i can draw from her is despair.. i can't go on like that.. is there hope? Please.. somebody save me from this misery... i dun wish to be cruel again..

Sigh.. the things i do for love... Just too bad for me.. I'm only human, what can i say?
Hook pinkie? so as to promise not to become strangers? I won't lose faith in you, so i'll hook that pinkie with you. I won't lose hope in that day.. even if it might not come.

I'll be waiting.

20061026

10/26/2006 10:13:00 PM

End of year.. PJC J1 wadever bash.. hmm.. yep.. somehow.. it struck again.. couldn't control myself before we went for lunch (we as in.. me, 2 guys and my class gals).. so i decided to take a short walk.. at least to stabilise my condition before facing them again... Really.. i was so lost... but.. yea..

Anyways.. things aren't the same anymore... She never showed that she cared about me anymore.. unlike the past, while weren't together yet.. i mean.. it's like we were somehow moving further apart from each other... What's going on? then this block of ice in between us seems to be building up.. like a really huge snowball.. I'm really sad.. why didn't it return to what it was? WHY? Who's at fault now? Am i the one at fault? did i frighten her? Yes.. my mistake again.. Sorry.

I mean.. all that was needed to make my day today.. was just her talking to me. i mean.. well.. she did in the end. I tried to talk to her several times, all her answers were 1 word answers... was this what it was before? I'm trying my best to salvage the situation... or is it that i was really wrong to even salvage it? I tried my best not to get into her life.. does she want that? I'm totally lost.. tell me what i should do...

But i guess.. the only time i enjoyed most for today was when she sat down and talked to me in the concourse.. I mean.. at least just let me know that i'm remembered... Thanks anyway.

20061025

10/25/2006 10:10:00 PM

Great, what's this now? Now someone else is trying to probe into my life... i'm already damned hurt by her already, what's with this person now? GAH.. just dun bother me anymore!! I want to think!! i want to think of the future!! i want to think NOW!! Stop talking to me! get away, stay away, dun come near me, the gates to my world are locked... too bad for you.. hahahaha

10/25/2006 05:53:00 PM

What did i do today.. i really wonder.. have i really untied that knot? seems like a dead knot to me.. I dunno.. sigh.. as long as she feels better, nothing really does matter much. Sigh.. no one to confide in.. now that this has happened, i think we're kinda getting further apart.. because people think i'm scary.. maybe it should be the other way round instead.. I think those people around me are getting more and more frightening everyday.. They're all to superficial, total hypocrites... Are they even friends? I dunno.. everything really seems so strange to me.. no one bothers to talk... yeah.. i guess i shouldn't even care... There's no one who understands me now.. NO ONE.. only left with me in my own world..

Emptiness.. feel it again.. Sigh.. i'm really just so tired in my efforts to redirect my attention from thinking.. i participated fully in PE, wrote my novel, sang my songs, did my best for OP.. And now.. i'm so tired.. imagine.. after doing all this, my emptiness in my heart is not filled yet.. Sigh.. I'm sick and tired of life... just so tired to do anything anymore.. I don't even want to play games.. i dun want tv, i dun wanna talk to anyone, i dun wanna study, i'm totally lost.. I'm just lost.. where is it that i should go next? what should i do? I can't think of anything!!! ARGHHGHG!!

I requested for a long leave from my committee head today (SC). I told him i won't be able to do anything unless i stabilise my own thoughts. then i asked for 1 month of break, he said ok. thank goodness he wasn't in his unreasonable self...

Sigh.. dunno what to do.. i see no direction in life.. What's my purpose? I do not have one.. Really.. Still.. my mind is made up.. I'm still gonna wait for her. And yes, that's that.

20061024

10/24/2006 06:29:00 PM

I dunno what to say... i know she'll read this.. or perhaps she might not even care. As long as she's happy, i dun care how i feel or what i feel.. I really do like her... but seriously.. i really can't help blaming myself... It's my fault. I mean.. i really... that's right.. i really feel inferior. What was once a beautiful memory.. has turned into a lie that is used to keep me going on in life... I'm lying to myself so as to carry on.. I was stabbed today, by some sharp and long dagger that went through my heart.. i had to do something.. i had to end the pain.. Thus, i plugged that dagger outta my chest... It was sharp.. my hands.. were just so stained... I hurt her i guess.. but really.. i didn't wish to.. all that i'd said.. i'm really sorry... IT'S MY FAULT.. and i don't expect her to forgive me. I'd rather harm myself than to harm her; she's just that precious to me..

Thus.. I'm here, lying to myself now. I may not feel good, but at least, i know i've sent those feelings to a state of hibernation. I'll wait for her. No matter how long... No matter how far that future might seem. I'll wait patiently. I do certainly hope that she keeps her promise. Yes, I do love her. I'd do anything, even if i dun get anything in return, as long as she keeps her smile... I'll stay alive...

This pillar is about to collapse soon.. I'm trying to prevent it from falling. I really need this pillar to give me hope, to support me in my endeavours... Erosion is causing its downfall... and here i am.. fighting sadness with sadness... trying my best to maintain/ quench this final reaction. She couldn't bear to hurt me, yet i was stabbed today.. I made her stab me... as i didn't want her to struggle. And in order to stop her from struggling further.. i pulled out that dagger myself. All i wanted was to see her happy... does she even understand?

I was really sad.. but really, I wish that we will be together someday.. She could read my mind, but.. yet.. perhaps i did read her mind.. but she just didn't want to reveal it anymore.. I was even more hurt when that happened.. She didn't want to have eye contact with me.. What else could i do?

Words.. my only asset in life. Perhaps i should wear a mask.. so that i can be someone else.. as long as i dun hurt her, i won't have to blame myself... So.. i guess i'll just have to... think that we are still together.. This might be painful.. but well.. she's worth it, and i mean it. I won't regret.. I won't, and i vow not to. Even if i might cry because of her someday.. at least.. i knew.. that there was someone on this world who could understand me better than me understanding myself... I'm so sorry.. but i can't help it.. but to write it all here...

She'll tell me someday.. would she? Well.. she promised... and for that... for that day... Thou shall wait. for her, thou shall try my best to take care of myself... until the time when she will be able to stand by me... She'd better not get hurt anymore.. or i'll keep blaming myself.. no one shall harm her... for i'll be protecting her, taking all the damage that would be done to her.

20061023

10/23/2006 07:21:00 PM

What? What did i say? what did i do wrong? what happened? where? where was that memory? I'm confused... What happened?? Why can't i remember? Who exactly am i? which is the person everyone is talking to? which is the person she knows? how many "me"s do i have? Am i scaring others? What is my personality? Where is my true self? Who am I?!!! ARGHH?? CONFUSION?? What's that??!! Why am i here? where am i? Who are you? why are you reading this? NONO.. I'm ME, I can control them! but... i'm confused? Why are you coming near me? Don't come near me!! Don't harm me!! Just leave me alone!! Stop CALLING MY NAME!! GET LOST!! What's this? This can't carry on.. But no.. they are here. they speak to me.. no, get out.. Don't harm me!! Why me?

that's what people ask themselves during panic attacks. people who are diagnosed with depression hear imaginary voices. i hear them at times, just someone i do not know who keeps calling my name from my back. And it's the same voice all the time.. no, i'm not trying to scare anyone. it's a fact, i have clinical depression, but i am controlling it well.. just that.. panic attacks can't be controlled by merely the power of one's mind.. it's really hard... People who suffer from panic attacks require a lot of care and concern, especially from those whom they trust.. reason being, they can't seem to recognise those whom they dun trust. It's like that person looks familiar to you, but yet you think he or she is trying to harm you.. yea.. so that's what panic attack is in a nutshell.

10/23/2006 02:17:00 PM

panic attack... a very scary feeling.. glad that i know what's happening to me, but couldn't really control whatever i was thinking or doing.. worst thing is that i'm having panic attack in class.. it was scary.. was trying to look normal when i'm actually very nervous.. everyone seemed so strange to me.. even her. So afraid of everyone around me... as though they might say something bad to me.. but i really dunno.. i'm afraid.. why am i like that? is my will not powerful enough? in any case.. here are the results (although i still feel very unwell since class time...):

General Paper (S)
H1 Economics (E)
Chinese (B)
H2 Maths (A)
H2 Physics (A)
H2 Chemistry (A) -- i topped the class for chem i think.. according to mr tan boon jong..

Triple "A"s.. will i get into the principal's list? in any case.. wadever.. still.. i'm really pissed of by Ms Christina Ng, that GP teacher.. She's totally not helping the class at all.. i mean.. it's like totally none of her business... WHATEVER man.. I'll prove it to her.. i'll get good grades for GP next year and tell her straight in her face that i made it there by my own effort and not her worthless tutoring!!

Sigh.. she made me feel at least a little better today.. i mean.. at least she cared.. LOL.. what am i saying.. SHE SHOULD BE CARING!! LOL.. ok whatever.. nahs.. i dun really expect much from her, but that doesn't mean that she should take me for granted as time passes on.. LOL.. yeah.. i'm a big meanie.. HAHA.. hope that she would be online tonite.. really wish to talk to her as i didn't have the chance to after the release of the results.. i was just... too unstable to talk to her, lest i might freak out.. i dun want to start ranting in front of her again.. the feeling of listening to rantings is just.. sigh.. i just dun want her to suffer because of me.

OK... now.. er.. sigh.. tml no school.. won't get to see her either.. and my mom says that it's the MSN-ing that's resulting in those poor grades for GP... what can i say.. i'm totally barred from the outside world.. unable to go out with friends (as if i really did enjoy myself to the fullest.. haha.. i'm really anti-social... but heck..), unable to chat with friends (literally on MSN, there are only two people who would take time off to initiate a chat with me, obviously her.. and the other is my best friend). Oh well.. my life is just so colourless.. luckily she helped me smile naturally.. or else i'll really become the next Frankenstein.. LOL..

20061022

10/22/2006 05:55:00 PM

hey.. this font looks really huge to me.. ok wadever.. anyway.. wah.. today, i vetted 3 sets of chemistry lecture notes. OMG, i tell you, the notes that were copied in it.. really so many errors... but in any case, some of the questions in it weren't answered, and.. i got really stumped by 2 of them... but in any case, yupp, i tried my best to answer them by doing research on the net and ya.. blah blah. But really.. if not for her, i wouldn't have the determination to stay up until 3 am ++ just to vet the notes. haha.. dunno, we talked quite a bunch this morning... i think we chatted for more than 3 hrs LOL... that's really long... but well, i'm glad that i didn't bore her (but was she? i hope i didn't bore her.. lol.. many people say that i'm such a boring person...). haha..

slept at 3++am, woke up at 0917 hrs. started vetting notes again, and suddenly realised that i haven't edited the I & R.. i was like.. OMG.. need to hand in tml!! but anyway, got it done within 10 minutes.. haha, dun quite care much about the GPF la.. Oral Presentation is A LOT more important...

Today's my brother's bdae, going out for his dinner soon (at some thai restaurant named , been there before, the food is quite nice, but is darn expensive). Well.. my cousins are joining us this time..

just a few hours before this post, went to sentosa with the family, at the same time to let my brother enjoy his bdae. We went to play this thingy called the Sentosa Luge. Great experience!! although i went a bit too rowdy and almost crashed onto the side railings.. haha.. After which, i acted as if nothing had happened and continued to act cool.. LOL.. while at the same time laughing at my clumsiness.. HAHA.. so darn funny la!! See la.. ask her go then she paiseh say dun want go.. LOL.. okok, stop teasing you le.. or else later you bully me back.. then i'll start sulking like mad... but really, it's darn funny!! can't stop laughing at how i was turning that corner just now.. haha.. and my mom was just so shocked.. LOL.. OMG.. can't control my laughter.. HAHAHAHA...

OKOK.. better go now, must not be late for the dinner.. hmm.. i might take many pictures tonite... haha..

20061021

The first date

10/21/2006 09:15:00 AM

Open house PJC 2006. but that... that's not what that makes me so happy. i mean, yesterday was the happiest day in my life so far. haha, council remains to be somewhat... no, i still feel like a stranger when i'm being linked to council. then weilin is always trying to drag me into whatever the council does. Yea, great effort from her, but i just don't feel comfortable with them. yes, i can do council work, but really, just don't make me stay so long with them, i'll go crazy... no one in council would understand the silence that people face when they are more or less IGNORED. but.. anyways, i've given up in those people. they're mostly selfish people who only care about they're own cliques. besides, really, i think that all those people who are holding leadership positions in council are mostly incapable of doing their jobs. I'm not talking about weilin, huda, hancheng and raymond (both of them are doing it very well). whereas the rest of them, they're are all merely voted in due to their popularity. What is wrong with the world of humans these days... what's wrong with all these teenagers??

Yupps, yesterday very happy because it was my first date with her. Well, i'm still thinking that i was late yesterday though... she said i wasn't, but well, i made her wait too long for me. i mean, as a guy, shouldn't let girls wait too long.. haha, that's my view.
To the person i'm referring to as "her": erm.. if you're reading this, dun need to feel paiseh. haha.. only need to feel paiseh when i put your name here, no worries haha..

We went to IMM, then i suggested eating at Pepper Lunch. I told her that she had to cook her own dinner and she went "HARRR..." LOL... what a reaction.. haha.. well yupps, her first time there, and she said she knew how to cook, but she wasn't good at it.. AS IF she knew how to.. in the end i cooked her dinner for her. well.. at least she helped me stir-fry my food a little, or else i would have been eating a plate of charcoal!!

After dinner, we walked around IMM, then she showed me the cake that she got during her birthday... she pointed at some "nutella" cake.. haha Chocolate.. and well, the stall owner thought we wanted to buy a cake.. LOL, how funny. Then we decided to go Daiso.. but thing is.. she couldn't figure out where it was (haha.. tiger's eyes!!).. and we walked in circles on the first floor.. because i didn't want to guide her.. haha, i can't bear to stop seeing her so adorable.

We entered Daiso, first thing she went to see was the toys section. LOL.. omg.. nothing.. nothing to say.. haha.. after which, she kinda concluded, "chey.. IMM got nothing to see one..." i was like.. (-___-"")

Then we walked towards the Jurong East MRT station. then as we crossed the road, she noticed that i'm always at a position between the incoming car and her.. then she asked me whether i was always like that. And i replied, "Well, it depends on whether you're worth my protection.." haha.. she didn't turn to face me.. shy la..

Then i flagged a cabbie down outta nowhere and ask her to board it. so.. i sent her home. i always believed that if i'm the one who asks a girl (whom i might like) out, i must let her reach home by 10pm (if the entire programme ends by then). her safety was my responsibility.

Conclusion:

Won't say much, the walls have ears these days... but in the end, I feel that i didn't make a mistake this time. haha, really, didn't like the wrong person. at least i know she appreciates what i do for her (haha.. i trust her completely, perhaps..)

20061018

10/18/2006 09:06:00 PM

better post before i forget again..

Recently, i came up with another formula...
Fate = effort + coincidence

If that's really true (it may not be, cos it's just my theory, something i derived from my brain with a logical explanation but without any evidence), then.. what am i going through now? Is there an input of effort? I'd say no, i didn't do anything, i didn't input any effort. the system's efficiency seems to be more than 100%, since output is more than input!!

thus, if effort = 0, then fate = coincidence rite? unless the other party is putting a lot of effort to maintain the so-called fate... but.. is that really so? i mean, is the other party really putting in effort? to maintain this friendship? nono... this has got nothing to do with any heterolytic cleavage or homolytic cleavage... it's something good, it's just that i was JUST wondering, whether she is putting any effort at all... if she isn't, and i'm not putting in effort either, then perhaps it's fated that we clique? OMG... research, theories and formulae really drive me crazy.. haha.. dunno how i'm feeling now, i dun feel so ill when i talk to her, but i feel extremely displaced when i'm alone. Is this the power of the mind? Is that willpower? or is that motivation? I'm baffled...

i won't say much.. i'm just so troubled by my emotions that i dunno how to put things in words... i'm confused with what i want to do with my life. I'm lost, but hey, at least i'm happy. haha, never did i find such a true friend before..

Ok.. this might be an extremely long post, so just bear with me if you wanna read on.. here goes..

I still remember after the 1st 3 months, which is right after JAE, 06s16 and 06s17 merged as one (sounds like the merger of singapore and malaysia.. whatever). I became the Chemistry Rep, and somehow.. had to collect files and whatever... then that day, she was one of the last few to hand in the files. i went over to her to request the submission of the file POLITELY, she yelled at me for no reason... and for that, i didn't want to talk to her.. cos i kinda thought she had an attitude prob.. haha.. didn't really like her then.

But as time passed... as usual, i love to do research and such.. observing people's behaviours is my forte, and predicting what they would do next is my hobby, haha.. how eccentric can i get.. yep.. so after much observation, i won't tell you how i found her to be, yeh just have to know that i trust her a lot now, and yeah.. i sorta became her chem tutor just 2 days ago.. Come to think of it now.. really, don't judge a book by it's cover; the shell is just a shell, peer deeper into it, and one will find the truth fulfilling.

well.. at this juncture, perhaps the word JUST might be a little too strong to use, but i'll still use it anyways. It might seem that i kinda like her, and yes, i do kinda like her character, i boldly admit it. but seriously, i'm JUST her friend and her chemistry tutor (if i promote to J2). remember, i'm JUST that, and nothing else. although.. yea, i still wish to be appreciated and somewhat, but really, having relationships now.. might be such a great idea, but i'm afraid it might end with a sad ending when we all leave college... i mean, how much can the modern human beings bond with each other nowadays with all this technology... everything seems so superficial, no one seems to be showing their true selves. I'm sure that anyone who reads all this might think it's all crap.. but no.. it's not the case.

sigh.. there are some things that the willpower of an individual cannot achieve.. and those are stuff of which that require 2 hands to clap... i'm used to doing things alone and succeeding alone, but now, if i'm asked to maintain a relationship, i really need someone to teach me how... i mean.. really... besides that, oh well, i'm really unsure of what i want to do. i hate these emotions... I HATE THEM.. unless they can be reciprocated, i might JUST let them die off and be emotionless again, cos i really dun wish to let anyone hurt me anymore. Why do i keep causing myself to fall when it's soooooo hard to stand up straight and walk forward again? I don't learn anything new, all i learnt was to be more careful, and too set higher expectations in whoever i might meet and accept...

So now, have i accepted her? YES, i won't tutor anyone unless that person holds a special place in my heart, but really, i must remind myself, I'M JUST HER FRIEND...

She might read all this somehow, but whatever, i'm bold enough to write it here, i'll be bold enough to face it in reality. i hope she doesn't misunderstand.. this blog serves as my memory, just in case my STM gets too serious, i have to remember what i felt... as my life will once again return to that monotonous grayscale...

20061017

10/17/2006 05:09:00 PM

haha.. came back early as the doctor had to see me, not "I had to see the doctor". lol... The PSI today is worse than yesterday, extremely bad... okok.. better get on to the juicy bits before my STM starts to act up again.

Today, very uneventful until... econs tutorial lesson (well i take H1 econs.. they're all tutorial lessons, no lectures) haha.. really, i was so stupid, don't even know how to use my bluetooth function in my phone. Perhaps i'm really not up to date, i really seem to have lost my youth.

Anyways, like i was saying, i didn't expect her to suddenly sms me in class and ask me to on my bluetooth. ok, yes i turned it on... but hey, how come she can send, i can't!!?? she sent me 2 pics, one was some sheep (i think it was the one she took while in one of the tutorial classes, that notice board decorations.. haha, was i rite? my visual memory is quite good ok..) the other piccy was taken in PJC at nite, BRIGHT LIGHTS can be seen in the background (OH NO!! UFOs AHHHhhh...). would've been nicer if it was taken with a higher resolution camera.. i mean, i love to take pictures concerning nature and whatever, landscape or what, as long as there are no humans in it.

But yea, she is adorable. who said that? yep, i said it, haha, wondering who i'm referring to? perhaps she might even be reading this now. Now, if you're reading this, take it as a compliment, rmb, i'm a very direct and vocal person, dun take things to heart yea? yea, i sure do hope you took down those notes for the make up lecture and all.. or else i can forget about being your tutor!!

then she was so funny yesterday, i was only joking about the terms and conditions of me being her tutor, but well, she was so serious about it, so i just had to start on it. haha, making people happy is like a joy to me. ok.. better stop talking about her and move on about other stuffs.

OK, today, i went to the clinic (as mentioned earlier) for some blood test. I tell you, it's really the coolest thingy i'd ever done. I OBSERVED the entire process, yes, very interesting... here's how it went..

firstly, the doc strapped my upper arm with this blue strap that's used to strap books when they get too heavy to bring to school. i was then asked to tense up my arm a little so that my veins could surface. so yea, that was pretty fast, then she took the alcohol dipped thingy and dabbed a little at the protruding vein, and ouch, the needle went in. My blood was dark red in colour.. not what i expected. and yea, it flowed out on it's own when i relaxed the arm!! OMG, that was just so cool!! okok.. in any case, it was like over in seconds... didn't hurt at all, perhaps i was anticipating too much. haha, i'm such a coward.

uhh.. also, i've always been writing extremely long entries for my blog, perhaps i really have alot to say, hhaa... mostly about how i feel, but really, is this what i am? i don't care how people see me, i'm just me, an eccentric psychopath, a little schizophenic at times, but yep, that's who i am, My Identity...

20061016

10/16/2006 09:34:00 PM

the PSI today... really horrid, nothing much to say about it since i can't do anything about it anyways... So.. basically, today, oh wait... she's just sent me a really stupid message... it reads:

Scroll down if you're free

Scroll up if you're free.

Ok, that's really lame, and guess what? i was dum dum enough to follow those instructions... HAHAHA, me and my own stupidity...

ok.. back to what i was saying, there was nothing eventful today, other than... gosh.. i think my STM is really serious, I CAN'T REMEMBER A THING!! LOL.. really, i can't rmb what happenend today to blog!! Oh wait, yea, i played a chess game with jiahao today, yep, it's great, and i lost... no excuses, but really, i feel that i wasn't in my best form today, especially when the trembling really got from bad to worse... plus.. really, a little breathless, but other than that, i'm fine.

OK, so after school, went for some council duty. We had to teach the college ambassadors the college tour route and stuffities for the upcoming PJC open house this Friday, 20 Oct 2006. (so sad, i'll not be in school as i have to be at Lot 1 shoppers' mall to gather the visitors onto the shuttle buses that will send those piggies to school... (and we'll just bait on them, then we'll hunt them, and capture them, and we'll skin them alive so that they'll come to PJC next year for good.. wahahass... how sadistic..)

So, the group which i led consisted of Laika, and Salted fish (the 2 chatterboxes from my class) as well as another 2 from s24. As expected, being chatterboxes, they are really noisy peeps.. That's a good thing though, we really need such extraverts around to liven up the atmosphere, unlike me, a classical introvert..

ok.. i won't talk much now, these hands seem to be getting worse, gotta rest..

20061015

10/15/2006 08:22:00 PM

Culture clashes, that's what makes humans from different parts of the world different from one another. they are really pathetic aren't they? However, all humans demonstrate the same traits... they all say that they are easy-going, and yet, they impose their usual behaviour on others... ok, it's abit chim here, take some time to digest.

in any case, i went to the JBP (jurong bird park) today. I wouldn't go there on normal days... yeah.. okok, anyways, here's what happened.

My god granny came from US to Singapore for some holiday. So yes, that explains why i went to the JBP. It really changed a lot, i mean, the monorail became a panorail. There were also better facilities AND that Mac outlet there closed down!! aww man.. I used to frequent that mac outlet when my primary school organised their excursions at the JBP. Anyways, yes, my god granny was ranting about the weather, showing a BLACK face and all. I remembered clearly when she mentioned through the phone before she came that she said she was an easy-going person and would adapt to any environment... ok.. so what's with her attitude now? Sometimes, i really don't understand humans. It seems as though those humans who are alive now are all so despicable, so unkind... but there are definitely exceptions. (nono, i'm not saying that i'm that nice, but really... if this carries on, humans and their morals will show a big dip in the near future)

BUT I LOVE THE BIRDS!! they are just so darn cute!! I was walking into the waterfall aviary when i saw 3 birds standing next to each other chirping away, somewhat like a choir or something. but well, they are pretty outta tune... SOO CUTE!!! omg.. i'm so crazy over those birds!!

Oh, some of the birds weren't that friendly too.. some had attitude problems, they just didn't want to look or pose for the camera. Every time when i whipped out my camera, they all turned their backs slowly towards me.. haha, and my mom was so frustrated with them, she was whining away!! OMG...

Oh one more thing.. haaa perhaps... yup, i think i really found someone i can trust. but nonetheless, we're just friends and that's that. I'll always remember that time when i told x-men "Stop saying the word JUST!!" but well, perhaps "just" is quite a good word to use after all... or maybe there might be a future, i'll never know... we'll see how long this person will enter and make a difference in my life before leaving me. i sure do hope... cos hope is just such a beautiful word... yea, i mean, she's just soooooooooooooooooo much like my character, like as though i'm seeing my own reflection.. thus i doubt we're compatible, but then, you'll never know. To me now, she's just a friend. No wrong ideas yet... yep, she sure is dependable.

ARGH... there are still so many tutorials to complete!!

20061014

10/14/2006 08:03:00 PM

So.. i went for that council thingy today, that MBTI (myerr-briggs type indicator, in case you didn't know)... was a little inaccurate. Reason being, I'm totally an INTJ, and the test was so confusing that i became an ISTJ.. which is so damned wrong, i totally disagree... dum test.. gah.. cos the S and the N are so hard to understand which is which, i had to play rock-paper-scissors with myself... ARGH... anyway, i'm also a pure introvert haha, full marks for "I". A pure thinker, full marks for "T", and also a pure Judgemental person, full marks for "J". this basically means that i scored a "0" for the "E", "F" and "P". LOL... well lookie here, guess who's the pure blooded introvert.. haha...

I'M STILL AN INTJ, NOT AN ISTJ. THAT TEST WAS A SCAM.. THE ENGLAND THEY USE IS HIGHER THAN WHAT THEY DEFINE AS PRIMARY 6 ENGLAND.

ok.. so enough of that. (I'm still an INTJ)... hehe.. well.. today's workshop was definitely better than the previous one last saturday. I mean, at least i get to learn more stuff and feel that i'm at least "participating" in it.. dun wanna talk much about council.. still feeling abit left out, but whatever, do i even care haha.. i mean, i work alone, live school life alone, do almost everything alone... what's the difference if the council doesn't give a damn about my feelings? yes, correct, the answer is obviously, "it won't even make a single difference!!"

Really tired, but at the very least, i'm feeling alot better today, be it mentally, emotionally, or physically.. sigh, really need rest... but the probby with me is that.. whenever i'm doing nothing at that specific point in time, i'll start to think alot... Really start to think about lots of stuff, then i'll get so troubled about it... mostly emotional stuff... sigh.. better not mention it here, i dun wanna be reminded... she's not mine.

20061013

10/13/2006 10:35:00 PM

Great... a few days ago, i wanted so much to die... now when i want so much to live on, my health deteriorates further. Council.. i dun feel attached at all. it doesn't matter whether they will ever read my blog, if i'm bold enough to write it here, I'M DEFINITELY BOLD ENOUGH TO FACE IT IN PERSON.

sorry.. i can't say much today... really.. don't feel to well... perhaps my time is almost up too? better go for full body checkup, something seems extremely wrong...

I'm sure... i'm sure of it, cos i feel it too. humans tend to expect too much. people say they won't, but they actually do, and the worst thing is, people get frustrated over such trivial stuff, thus forgetting about the big picture... maybe it sounds very chim to you... yea.. so maybe take some time to understand.

perhaps once it's understood... you'll see things from a different angle.. wonder what i'm saying, but it's true. Sigh.. wonder how long more do i really have in this cruel world.. i'm really contradicting myself, at one moment i say i wanna leave this place, the next moment i say i dun want...

She's not mine, and yet she's the cause for all these mixed feelings. nono, it's not infatuation, my instinct tells me so. she isn't his either, i helped solve his prob, now i got polluted... what a lousy catalyst i am..

20061011

10/11/2006 08:04:00 PM

Yes i know, i seem very free to you, blogging everyday... and indeed, i'm not that free after all... council work is piling up, tutorials too... really wonder what the heck i'm doing these days, totally slackened... rmb there was once i said i was a catalyst? now i'd concluded, i'm a heterogeneous catalyst. I provide a surface area for adsorption. okok... fine if you can't take the chemistry terms.

Basically, that day, i helped to solve my best friends probbo. i catalysed his thoughts, hoping to make him feel better (actually, i killed his emotions temporarily, i knew that it'll return, cos i've done that to myself before... lol, sorry dude, didn't warn ya about the side effects..). Well, he did feel better, in fact, he looked great for the next few days!! But seriously, look at the state of him now.. he's going all frustrated... GAH... emotions.

ok.. so now the reagent has polluted the catalyst... i'm polluted, now i can't even solve my own prob. nono, i'm not blaming him, i mean, yeah, i did my best to help a friend, and that only his WILLPOWER will be able pull him through the gate that blocks his path. and yes, i suggested something to him the other day, something that'll make his mind and will grow stronger. I asked him to stay with me at the cemetry for a night, any cemetry. YES, I KNOW YOU MIGHT THINK THIS IS CRAZY, BUT REALLY, IT'LL REALLY TRAIN UP YOUR COURAGE AND YUP... and well, he refused...

The worst fear of any individual is he himself. if he can't even conquer his inner self, he won't be fit to be in the position to pass judgement. he'll be irrational, irritated and agitated by the stuff around him. more or less becoming like a sore loser. But once he faces his fear of truth, he'll be enlightened, like what i said in the previous post. I mean.. no truth is as frightening as knowing yourself. okok.. perhaps you'll some time to figure this one out.. i'll give you that time.

"Aspire to seek the truth of life, and not perspire in the process of refusing the truth." I know that it's easier said than done.. I admit that even such a person like me can have frustrating moments. yes.. but i'm facing it. Will you do the same to lift that misery? or will you leave that knot untied in your heart? It's your choice...

Words are really all i have, in every relationship. I'm not saying that i'm just all words but no actions, but really, you'll see me giving you verbal solutions more than jumping into the sea to save you (unless the situation summons my presence.)

okok.. better return to my tutorial-ing, must stop thinking cos i think too much... yeah.. wonder why am i thinking this much about them in the first place... GAH emotions!!

20061010

10/10/2006 09:23:00 PM

today.. back to school once again... nono.. i mean back to PJC although literally.. i did return to my sec school today to publicise for PJC. How was it? you might ask.. well, the teacher-in-charge said that my speech was full of informal stuffs such as "shit" and "damned"... but somehow, at the end of everything, she said it was well done. LOL!! wonder what these teachers are thinking these days...

anyways.. it was really boring at PJC today, i mean... the teachers were like... GAH... "alright class, we have to carry on with our work..." and we were like dozing off on the tables... seriously, the new timetable sucks big time... wonder who's in the timetable planning committee.. i wanna smack his face!!

OK.. so in any case.. sigh.. went all the way to central manpower base at Depot road all because i need to renew my passport... I was so noob la.. i mean.. you see ppls holding guns you not scared meh? and those soldiers dun smile at all!! GAH.. how weird.. they are humans too.. so i got my stuff done and yep.. blahs..

Sometimes.. i really feel at a loss.. i dun quite care about the family now, i mean.. yeah.. not that i'm unfilial... but it's just that, i really have other things to fret about. Stuff like whether i'll be promoted, stuff like what i'll be facing in council in the future, and of course, stuff like who i like... i mean, we all reach a certain age when we feel that the family cannot give us the happiness that we want... this is kinda like a new feeling.. but somehow, some people refuse to accept it, even though they know they should be doing so.

In terms of human relations, follow your heart more than your brain... in terms of passing judgement, follow your brain more than your heart. many people have this problem of being unable to do both, i'm also among those who is only able use my brain and not my heart...

But it is only recently that i realised... being stuck in the middle of these two powerful entities... it's really painful... it's a struggle, you know you like that person, but your brain tells you no, and yet, it's also telling you yes if you really feel that it can work out. so... is there a way out? is there really a solution? And... is that solution to leave that person or to ignore that person?

The answer is obviously NO!! we, as humans, should face things head on, even though the collision might hurt abit... but seriously, even though it might leave a scar, does it even matter? since she came into your life, there must be a specific reason why. it's either to let you learn a lesson or to be with you forever. In any case, equivalent trade seems to apply here too.. so just go figure it out yourselves... really, i dunno what to say... I'm as frustrated as anyone else is now when it comes the word called "LOVE".

i guess.. life just comes in such a package that you can't avoid, even though the parcel might contain a bomb, we'll just have to face it... it's the truth that we wish to acquire, but we fear it... and yet once the truth is acquired, we'll all learn something new... and the whole cycle starts again when a new truth in life is to be acquired...

20061009

10/09/2006 05:19:00 PM

Sigh... so what if i got selected for the China exchange trip and the Work Shadowing programme at World Scientific™... Why does everyone else have the freedom to get outta the house while i don't even get a pinch of it? I feel so trapped, really, I mean.. WHAT THE HELL!! Just like a bird who is finally able to fly, but trapped in a cage for the sake of showing off to others!! I'm sick of all this...

I want the freedom i deserve... I mean, i'm already 17.. and it's not as though i'm going out there to have fun.. here i am trying my best to feed my testimonial with stuff, and there she is destroying my future... well.. if she wants me to achieve, then let me fly!! LET MY SOAR UP TO THE SKIES!!

All because of her, i've been missing council outings, bonding trips and such.. I've really lost my own personality... GAH...

Sigh.. really sad.. but i think it's a misunderstanding. i think i misunderstood her. I'll clarify the stuff with her. then start hoping for the clouds to clear, and that i can be released from this cage of mine...

20061008

10/08/2006 08:53:00 PM

so.. i patched up with my mom this afternoon. then we all went to Vivo City. I tell you, it was really chaotic... ONLY 2 RESTAURANTS WERE OPEN!!

people were like rushing here and there looking for food... gosh

Sigh.. so we went to harbourfront to eat, saw the ODAC captain there, WeiLiang. So harbourfront benefitted in terms of higher frequency of people entering the shops due to the overflow of people from Vivo City. I was like, "What the..." just like the sardines in a can, waiting to be eaten.

GAH!! i want complete my tutorials, i want prepare for next year now, I'll always remember what i said before... "start today, end earlier tomorrow". better go do them now...

There is.. however, something that motivates me more... just that it's causing my emotions to flunctuate... GAH, oh well, who cares anyways...

10/08/2006 02:37:00 PM

So.. i guess i didn't manage to kill myself yesterday.. come to think of it now, i'm feeling guilty about it. I mean, death won't solve problems. And besides, near death experiences are really frightening. Lemme tell you how it feels like...

Ok last nite, i tried to suffocate myself, i know it sounds crazy to you, but my mind was.. whatever. I finally felt breathless, then i was constantly reminded about my dreams and those who were so dear to me. It's something that you can't really explain with just words. Somewhat like flashbacks of people smiling at you, those whom you love, even some whom you might not even know. that was what i saw, that near death experience. I think it was like.. i didn't breathe for more than 3 to 4 minutes... then my phone vibrated... so it was the phone that saved my life.

LOL! who said technology degrades humans? it saves lives!!

Death comes to all, when the time is right, one will naturally succumb to it. who knows how long we might live, life is unpredictable. sigh... dun ever do what i did, dun ever do or say something that you might end up regretting some day.

20061007

10/07/2006 09:41:00 PM

Sigh.. yesterday, got home then get scolded by my mom.. today the same thing happened. this time it was worse, her words were so hurtful.. all because i took 1.5 hrs to get home when i took 176, she said i didn't care about what was going on in the family. I knew all along, i shouldn't have spoiled her by returning home so early during the promos. i should've just stayed back late in school.

What once used to be a warm and loving family has now mutated into an ugly and frightening place to live in. She says that i take things for granted, but little did she know that there will someday be equivalent trade. if i were to give her the attention that she needs currently, I'd be ruining my future. I really wonder... she said she didn't want to be my burden in future, and look what's happening now? SHE'S MY BURDEN NOW, SOMEHOW OBSTRUCTING MY PATH TO SUCCESS!!!! GAH.. really frustrated. I wasn't obliged to help her in her stockchecking. I wasn't obliged to work for her. that's why.. i don't understand why is she getting so worked up about things.. I mean, can't the problem be solved with just speech at the appropriate amplitude? Why must there be shouting in the house?

Once again.. like mother like son, she's stubborn, i'm stubborn as well. My willpower is a hell lot stronger than her. I won't be beaten so easily. If not for the financial support that i require, i would just move out of the house right away. I'm not avoiding the situation, she's the one who doesn't understand the schedule that i face EVERY SINGLE DAY in JC.

That, in addition to the emotional probs that i'm currently facing, is really causing a lot of pain. I wanna end it, I wanna lie in that coffin and die. I wanna suffocate to death in my room, i wanna go on a hunger strike... i wanna cut my wrist...

Just in case i might do anything silly from now on till midnight, this might be the last post in my life, GOODBYE to all of those who cared for me. and thanks... TAKE CARE.

20061005

V.E.R.Y. T.I.R.E.D.

10/05/2006 06:19:00 PM

Fairfield Methodhist Secondary School... means going back to dover.. it really feels very frightening to return to that dreaded place where dead memories come alive like zombies... nah.. just dun wanna see those people, those imbeciles, wretched people... they'd done me much mental harm.. a past that i wish to forget.

Haaa.. today went out with G3Ms and Xianz... go JE entertainment centre, play arcade. G3Ms wasted lotsa credits la.. all becos of THOTD 4, think it was around $10 ++ LOL, i only spent $6 bucks. Then we went to kbox that cyber cafe and played for 2 hrs..

OMG.. xianz really has either little or no exposure to games at all!! LOL.. better not laugh at him, i used to be like him, haha.

sigh... started on the chapter planning in my novel, progressing really well too, might be able to complete it by end november!!.. i hope my emotions last till i complete my novel.. i dun wanna write an essay of facts, I WANT ONE WITH FEELINGS.. i wanna touch the reader's heart. I wanna show the reader that the world is really that simple and that the human mind is actually making things really complicated... Pathetic humans.. SIGH..

but having emotions will mean more pain.. i really wonder if i should carry on bearing such a pain... nonetheless, it sure does give me the motivation to improve myself, haha..

Sigh.. i tot i solved that bugger G3Ms problem... now he's up with something again... well holidays are here, no harm feeling infatuated anyway. LOL.. i mean.. catalysts also do need a rest right? later get polluted then got lesser surface for adsorption.. OMG.. CHEM!!

take care peeps, dun overstress by playing too much games or thinking about whether he or she will notice you. Just remember, LOVE STINKS, he loves her, she loves him, and then that he loves somebody else... SO BLARDY FRUSTRATING. And pls.. we'll all get promoted, so pls dun get too negative ya?

this colour signifies envy, one of the 7 deadly sins... sigh.. i'm reaching out for a love that seems so far... maybe around 6.38 x 10^6 m... lol.. the radius of the Earth..

NONO.. better stop laming..

20061004

10/04/2006 09:30:00 PM

OK.. smacked all those papers within TWO WEEKS... now waiting for results.. which are like.. 26 days away? LOL! okok.. aiming for triple "A"s, yupps. GAHH.. that nura ask me to go fairfield to distribute postcard for open house tml... OMG.. and she can only give them to me by tml morning.. SOOO sian, I live near fairfield, then i have to go CCK to get the stuffs, then come back to clementi again.. WALAO.

Want to do so many things now.. wonder if i'd even have enough time to complete them all. Life is so unpredictable... I can't believe i packed that himalayas on my table within a mere 30 minutes!!

ok.. I wanna write my novel by end of this year... Should be able to complete if i'm given sufficient time, juggling between council and all... Also.. must treat myself better, the past is such a scary thing to think about, DOTZ..

Somehow feel that after the promos, i dun feel at ease... it's like someone took some routine away from me... that mugger's routine. LOL, many of you might think that i'm crazy to say that, but really, it's true.. i kinda feel even more empty than how i felt at the start of September.. for those who knew what happened, yeah.. whatever.

And.. dunno.. unsure of what my emotions really want me to do, i admire her, i respect her, but my brain says, "She's just not your type.." GOSH... What to do with these feelings... that's why.. i hate it when emotions come into play and you can't really do anything about it when all you think about is "how's she doing now..."

better start on my novel now... got all the ideas in place... just have to fill in the plot.

Perhaps you guys reading this post should look forward to it. LOL, CYAS.

20061003

WOAH... not so noob after all.. haha

10/03/2006 10:38:00 PM

oook.. so i found some skin from somewhere.. dotz.. really got nothing to do eh? Completed my physics revision, hope that i'm able to smack that paper rite at its face tml... Dun wish me luck, I dun believe in luck, but thanks if you did anyway!!

10/03/2006 09:57:00 PM

Great... so i created a new blog for the fun of it.
okok.. i know my template is dum dum.. ya.. it's really boring too.. oh well, been to busy i guess...
Examinations are almost over, life goes on, and time will continue to drift away.
I'll stop here for today... dun have any emotional upbursts... not much to write