{Why'd you have to be so clueless?.

20070128

1/28/2007 09:54:00 PM

I'm glad... just glad. For the first time in my lowly life... a homo sapien of the opposite gender has complimented me twice. Perhaps... perhaps i'm starting to trust them again... perhaps i'm opening that great wooden door slightly... or perhaps i actually had that door latched; No one would be able to come in, but i'd still be able to communicate and interact with the world on the other side of those doors.

That's just the best policy currently now, ain't it? I won't get hurt because i don't invest too much, neither do i hurt others by shoving them off with a cold shoulder. This is the middle path dad was talking about? Nah... it isn't. There is a middle path, but i'm not all there yet... and i won't want to be there, cos if i ever were, i'd not be me anymore. I would be unable to retain this ever unique personality of mine... Do i love myself? I would say... yes and no... Yes is because i care about my future... and i want a good life for my loved ones. No is because i want my loved ones to be happy when i have a bright future... when i sacrifice everything, for whatever happiness there is.

No.. i'm not gonna pass any judgment at this point in time... because i finally saw the warmth that an individual homo sapien was able to provide me with, and i won't ever let it go... Cos, i'm happy, and i'm sure that no one would want to let go of one's happiness... It is, however, a true fact, that i still have not stopped my hatred towards humans. They are mostly... sigh... and i'm one too... I, too, am a coward... I'm timid... I fear the punishment that'd befall upon me thru the passing of judgments.

Sigh... and now... I feel as if i'm connected to this fella... and i don't wanna let it go. But i'm still unable to forgive what the humans have done in the past... those wretched beings who forsaken me. hahahaaha... they'd be lucky that i do not have godly powers... Oh well.. sigh...

Thank goodness i'm a rather optimistic fella... cos i really wish to banish the hatred i have in my heart... I want to create some material space for the warmth to surface. I do not wish to be burdened by my hatred... I really wish that i can forgive them...
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Sigh... And of course, i had perhaps... one of the happiest times in my life today... We chatted... yes, we really did. And i bought a pack of strepsils for her. haha.. what a laugh! Nope, i wouldn't say that it was our first date... cos.. we aren't even all there yet... but yes, we are definitely friends. Really hope that she would recover from her sore throat soon... then she'd able to chat with me over the phone (although i dun really chat over the phone... cos i find myself at a loss for words... SIGH... i'm such a failure)

Wanton mee... it was great! ahhaha... and the atmosphere around the two of us was rather lame too.. cos we were firing cold jokes at one another at almost every juncture... after the meal, we went for a walk... and erm... window shopped a bit... haha... Then she asked what would i do if she fell from the escalator... I was at a loss for words...I knew i shouldn't say anything that was meant for a boyfriend... but i dunno...I wanted to say that i'd try my best to save her... or rather, i'd protect her... but... it's just so hard to say it... cos we aren't officially together yet.... SIGH...

I really wish that we could be together, but i'm playing a really slow game... So i should stop being so... hmm.. nvm. I don't wish to rush into things. She still has a boyfriend, i cannot just step into her life and end up as a third party... that's not very nice. We'll see what happens in the near future... We'll really see... i really want to see what it would be like for the two of us to be together. Really... Cos she knows... that she's existent in my heart... and that i know, that i'm also existent in her heart... haha (fat hope... but well, who cares... no one reads this anyway.. hahah)

Now... haha... this is really a great feat by me.. All i did was share a song with her... + the lyrics. and i said that that was my wish for her. (she gave me a wish... and yea, i'd rather not wish for her to be my partner and wished for her to be ok.) And i'm really glad i did so... cos she told me that she was kinda touched... I'm really glad glad glad... HAHA

I have my motivation now... I want to achieve as much as i can every week in school. Such that, my future would be secured... and i'd be able to take care of her. oh well.. I think i'm dreaming too far into the future... hahahah...

20070126

1/26/2007 11:11:00 PM

Yes.. i changed the song again.. this song is by Lin Jun Jie. It's a rather umm... "old" song. so yeah. However, the lyrics are really great, but i shan't supply them here now... it'd be rather umm.. troublesome.. haha

Anyway, there is something to ponder about... i got this from a friend. Here it goes:
"Have you ever met someone and knew right away that he or she is gonna be important to you?"

It might seem like a simple sentence... but if there's at least that little trace of effort to set the mind to ponder about this short question... it may not seem as shallow as it might had been. Always view life from different angles... you'll be able to see everything clearly... with that there'll be no doubts that would shroud your route to success.

I really wish to know... but i daren't put my heart into it. My curiosity is killing me... at a really slow rate... it's killing my intelligence... i have to stop it somehow. If i play a waiting game and allow nature to take it's course, i might lose my motivation. If i start anything without any planning, it'd be somewhat like attacking a walled-city without any strategy. What am i to do?

I'm happy to have known someone like her, but... it's also somehow affecting me indirectly. Sometimes i lose my cool... and get overly concerned... which is not part of my strategy. Sometimes i get a little to cold and harsh... and i might hurt her feelings and shoo her away from me... It's really a battle of wits, a guessing game that has just begun...

I can't back down. I wonder what she meant when she said that. No.. i shouldn't be affected by such small changes. I should look at the big picture and start to plan my future moves. At the same time, i'd have to concentrate on my studies. I have to continue to be as competent as before, so that i would never ever have to lose my social status in the future. I wish to achieve, i wish to be in the profession of my choice.

But at the same time, i think i might have fallen for her... and yet, i'm still unable to decide if i should commit. I'm really at a loss on what to do next. This exactly depicts a chess game with my pieces arranged in a deadlock manner... Whatever move that i might make, i'd lose that piece. There is only 1 option for now... but i'm unsure if i should move that piece... cos if i moved it, i'd lose her (somehow... and i can't have that... but life's like that... you lose some, you gain some... that's why i'm at a loss...).

Argh... whatever, i need to focus... i'll be seeing her on sunday if all goes well... so.. i really hope that i can complete all my work by then. In fact, i should be completing all my work. Yeah... I hate myself for being affected by emotions. I hate it when it happens... why did she have to put that statement for me to read... why did she have to be so nice? Why... but i'm happy right?

Remember what i said in my previous post? This must be a judgment in which i passed upon myself that time... I said i'd rather exchange my material happiness for something that's immaterial... and now i have it... EXCHANGED.. haha.. gosh... there's really someone listening to my wishes... or rather, my words of justice.

Sigh... i want to study, yet i'd also like to be with her... is there anyway that these two things can co-exist in the same plane? Why do i have to swing from side to side just to adapt? Why can't i just remain in the middle? But of course, that'd be leading a monotonous life... and i won't want that... Sigh... I shall study when dawn breaks tomorrow... for now... i should just lie on my bed to get some well-deserved rest...

20070123

1/23/2007 08:07:00 PM

Been really really busy these few days.. and perhaps also didn't have the mood to visit this place in order to write up a new entry... haha.. one of the reasons being, whenever i blog, i tend to come up with multi-million word essays!! (ok.. i'm exaggerating, haha.. but it's true that i really write extremely wrong entries... and this one will be too...)

Many things happened in my life, i've had my friends, SHORT-TERM friends... LONG-TERM friends have yet to be found, or rather, i might as well deem them as inexistent. No one is worthy of being my long term pal... or perhaps i have set my expectations at such a high level that no one is able to even reach it. I judge people everyday... everyone who passed me, i judged them, not based on their appearance, but based on their behaviour... and perhaps, the thing which no one would ever care to notice... that is their eyes.

Not many would be able to see... the joy, the sorrow, the grief, the hatred as well as the hidden self within another human counterpart. I see... i'm seeing too much of hypocrisy as well as crocodile tears being shedded at the exact moment. I see how elated some were when sobbed... I saw how those hearts were stabbed countless times while they smiled... I wish i could stop judging people... I wish i was unable to sense what they were feeling. I want to lead my life. I don't wish to be burdened by all of those who do not speak with their eyes. I don't wish to be dead.

I tried opening up, but to no avail.. in fact, as soon as i opened up, people found me less mysterious and had took lesser notice of my existence, leaving me weeping in silence. Why should i even open my doors to the world when no one would bother to even step into my doorway? Why is it that many others are able to get visitors? And why am i not getting any? What's the point of even opening the doors? I should just shut them once again. Be what i should always be. Live a life of silence. A life without the colours from the outside world. A life without any sunlight.

I'm seeing too much... I should be contented with what i have... I shouldn't be seeking for improvements. My life should remain as it is... with a happy family and a nice home to return to... i should just be contented with that... I should stop being ambitious, i should stop fighting for what's not meant to be mine... I should live a day at a time. I should not... plan too much. I do not scheme, for i have no reason to harm others. I do not criticise, for others were born for a reason. I should laugh, smile, and live by each day... as if nothing has ever happened. nothing.. at all..

I'll still carry on with life, giving my tuition, taking tests, passing them with flying colours (and i mean it)... I'll still remember those days whence my heart was stabbed... I'd still remember those days whence everything seemed colourful. I'd still remember everything in my life last year... and I SHALL NEVER EVER FORGET THEM!! Now enough of my random rantings...

Humans are ugly... I'm starting to hate them again as i continue to judge their bad habits.. And the worse thing is... i can't pass any judgment on them... cos whatever i pass on them, i'd end up paying a price that's more devastating to me. And with that in mind, i'll start to hate humans even more due to the unfair treatment which i could have avoided if i didn't pass judgment in the first place. It's a cycle of events. Somewhat like falling into a bottomless pit. Somehow... a higher being is able to hear my judgments passed and somehow grants them as soon as i decided on the sacrifice to punish a foe.

I love my family... and i'd pass the worse of all judgement to those who harm them, which might actually cost me some huge sacrifice... sigh.. i don't mind, really. (since i have such a power, i should use it to protect others...) it's weird though, that actually someone is up there to hear my err.. judgments for justice to be served. gosh.. kinda spooks me out.. haha

20070113

1/13/2007 09:36:00 PM

It's been a long time... I've been busy.. very busy and tired... But of course, i can't compare my situation with those whom still remained in the council. And yes of course my busy-ness wasn't all futile. I benefitted a rather huge bit from it, especially being able to complete all my tutorials ahead of time, such that there are timeslots for rest and recreation... even though my mind might still be on work.. at least my presence is there to help generate some existence for those around me.

A crystal shard will never become a desk ornament if it remains unrefined... same goes for everyone... the education, the training, whatever that comes along and teaches us new life skills or bad habits... It's just how our surroundings shape us to be who we are (to the surroundings... ONLY) But now that we know all that, we have always left the centre of that crystal shard untouched. Note, when you polish a crystal shard, you're only dealing with the surface. The real beauty is from within the shard itself.

Notice that no matter how the humans cut or polish the crystals, most humans are still in awe of the clarity of a crystal. The model that was crafted out was only soothing to the eye for a short period of time... So.. if you get my point here, it can be applied to humans. What matters most is not the exterior, not the behaviour, not the character. What matters most is the Personality. (Personality is of a huge difference to the character of a person... BECAUSE... Personality is inborn, character is DEVELOPED)

See the difference now?

Anyway... I'm rather shocked with what inevitability can do to humans... Totally startled when i received a call regarding the loss of a friend's wallet. And yes, given my character and personality, i would do the same even if i didn't know that person. I helped, and that's what every sane human should do. But of course, it was really an opportunity to raise my status level in terms of impression. I must really thank... my parents for this wonderful opportunity in meeting this new friend. And I'm truly greatful to hear her smile through her voice (not many can understand this logic), just like i'm able to hear those insincerity through the voices of those strangers (humans) who are with me in school everyday (and they fondly term it as "We are friends" without knowing what the definition of a friend is...).

I'm happy i helped... I'm very glad i did... imagine if she didn't meet me, if she'd still follow her path till this day... she might have actually lost her wallet for good. Or if she didn't follow that path, I'm not sure if it's better or worse, but it doesn't matter as those are merely my past perceptions.

I can only say that i'm fond of her and that's that. And... if things really work out well... i'll gladly give her the key to my padlock on the grand door. But.. that's the future. No point caring about it now. Focus on the present. Focus... FOCUS.

hmm.. Anyone got "Team Buddies - NTSC (PAL)" PSX .ISO file? GAH.. I need it badly..!!

20070106

1/06/2007 11:37:00 PM

Life’s Veil

The aim,
Of a game;
The challenges that came.

The time,
Of a mime;
The resemblance of slime.

The wheeze,
Of a breeze;
The leaves that crease.

The stilts,
That were built;
The creation of guilt.

The burrow,
Of all sorrows;
The treachery of tomorrow…
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A poem i wrote without much thought while the foe targeted her speech at me... i saw those eyes, they were the ones that once glimmered with hope... but while i was writing that poem on that very day in the theatre... her eyes were filled with hatred and violence... But of course, i would't let it stay that way.. so.. i returned her with those eyes that were filled with determination and boldness... haha.. and she turned away.. Guess my spirit startled her a little..

Anyway... Things are getting more ridiculous these days... I mean.. all of a sudden, i meet someone on the street and this person became my friend.. and of course.. i'm happy about it. Haa.. i'm curious...

It wasn't coincidence that we met today... it was plainly inevitable... There are many things in life that are inevitable, it's just that the human brain deceives the heart of whatever that's surrounding him or her... The brain fabricates whatever one might see and sends a signal to the heart, telling it to stop thinking otherwise as there might be schemes which might result in loss of blood and mental activity. It threatens the heart with its life. Thus, i conclude that the brain is the root of all evil in humans... (it's not the money that we all use universally... that's what the brain has created, as a decoy for it to remain hidden in the shadows... Money is NOT the root of all evil...)

However... the brain can obviously be of good use if the heart builds a healthy relationship with the brain. Sigh.. i think i'm nagging again... In any case, there are successful people in this world with their hearts and minds synthesized to form great will... I'm seeking it... Yes, that's why i'm here, writing all this in my crappy blog.. haha

ok.. anyway, i need to rush out some work by tonite... so i guess it's time i signed off.. haha.. i know i'm writing lesser nowadays. Here are the 2 reasons why:

1. School term has started, i can only go online on weekends (that's a tiny rule set by me)
2. I'm a much happier person now... so i guess i won't need to talk so much to a wall here? haha.. but of course, i'd still write about happy stuffs if i'm happy.. hehe

20070101

1/01/2007 10:06:00 PM

There is something i wish to express, yet i just can't seem to put them to words. Sigh... when will it come to an end? No... I haven't been able to live for myself. That's why it's so painful. I'm not the only one who has this.. "gift"... There are others who managed... because they are happy with what they finally achieved through the years of slogging and blahs... Sigh... equivalence can be seen clearly here... That's the reason why i call it a "gift", because it's something that will bring happiness to others.

I'm unsure of what else to say... i just know that we bickered the entire day today... and... i dunno... i just seem to feel happy about it, at least i know i smiled. haha... but nonetheless, i'm still trying to figure out what i'm doing. I know my limits, yes, i'll know what to do it goes off-limits... haha. better not be too nice eh?