{Why'd you have to be so clueless?.

20090227

2/27/2009 01:29:00 PM

A Little Too Not Over You -- David Archuleta

It never crossed my mind at all
That's what I tell myself
What we had has come and gone
You're better off with someone else
It is for the best
I know it is
But I see you

Sometimes I try to hide
What I feel inside
And I turn around
You're with him now
I just can't figure it out

Tell me why
You're so hard to forget
Don't remind me
I'm not over it
Tell me why
I can't seem to face the truth
I'm just a little too not over you

Memories suppose to fade
What's wrong with my heart
Shake it off let it go
Didn't think it would be this hard
Should be strong, moving on
But I see you

Sometimes I try to hide
What I feel inside
And I turn around
You're with him now
I just can't figure it out

Tell me why
You're so hard to forget
Don't remind me
I'm not over it
Tell me why
I can't seem to face the truth
I'm just a little too not over you

Maybe I regret
Everything I said
No way to take it all back
Yeah Now I'm on my own
How I let you go
I'll never understand
I'll never understand
Yeah, ohhh.

Tell me why
You're so hard to forget
Don't remind me
I'm not over it
Tell me whyI can't seem to face the truth
I'm just a little too not over you

Tell me why
You're so hard to forget
Don't remind me
I'm not over it
Tell me why
I can't seem to face the truth
And I really don't know what to do
I'm just a little too not over you
Not over you, ooh.

***

I've learnt not to ask too many questions when there just aren't any answers at all.
I've learnt not to seek out solutions for the unexplained when history resists its change.
I've understood how much love means to the average human in comparison to what it meant to me.
I've learnt that altruism... is still the best way out.

I'm not lying to myself about this. I'm not over you. But I'm trying to move on.

None of us were at fault. If we needed someone to blame, then the only person to blame would be 'us'.

This song, isn't really factual about the whole plot. Just a figurative description.

Enjoy.

20090222

2/22/2009 10:03:00 PM

Have I gotten out of that mess that I've created?

Am I lost with whom I am again?

NO... I certainly not know what I want... but I'm certainly sure of the choices for me.

***

Does she still follow this blog of mine?

Am I writing for the sake of her viewership?

Have I lost everything...? She was everything...

What have I done to us...?

What do I intend to do to 'us' if 'us' had just disintegrated itself?

I want answers... I want answers. Everyone would deem me childish... but that's not the point, love IS childish, immature, or whatever one might phrase it to be.

It's been more than a month now; almost that of 2 eternities (eternity = 20 days).

I'm not hopeful, my heart continues to writhe itself in pain, and yet I have to maintain that poise. I have to hide all that misery with a smile that's hung upon a face that isn't mine.

Will she hear me? I'll be there... will she see me? I'll be there... will she remember me?

Or will she... behave the way I've shaped her to be? I daren't regret... I honour my actions. I honour those memories that I had defiled... for the greater good of her life... yet why?

Why do I hang on? Why? If only she could tell me why. If only she could show me why I've stopped in my tracks. Why?

I guess.. I presume... I predict... I assume... I conclude... that she wouldn't be here to read... anymore.

The answer.. to all those why's...

"I still love her."

20090221

2/21/2009 11:35:00 PM

Why are my eyes transfixed upon that little LCD screen that's my phone's?

Am I waiting?

What am I waiting for if I am?

Why can't I stop thinking?

No... it should've been... Why can't I just shut off that irritating brain of mine?

Why can't I stay the same?

Why the mood swings?

Why me?

20090216

2/16/2009 10:33:00 PM

Friendship... stinks. Acquaintances work well for me. I'm good. I'm eccentric. I'm bothered. I'm carefree... or am I? How do I feel? Someone, tell me, how do I feel? How should I feel? Who am I supposed to be in front of you, you, you, you, you, you, you... and you? You, you, you, you, you and you.. all of you would hate me if I'd be myself...

Exactly... exactly... painful... all of you... no.. you don't trust me at all... no matter how much trust and effort I've put into my friendships... all of you, are merely sucking it all up - enjoying the best of what I can give; watching me wither and dry as I would wilt to the ground like that of plants in a massive drought.

She has left me, I had just given up hope in friendship.. what's there that's left in this world for me? Tell me? Who else, other than my family, would be there to know whom I am? Have I been bad? Have I been ethically and morally out of sorts? Or am I just.. not worth all of your time?

I think it's all of them. So I should change myself? AGAIN? FOR ALL OF YOU? are you guys nuts? when I've already done much? what have all of you done? I never expected anything, but there should be a limit to what I can give - and all of you made use of that. All of you made use of this credit card till it has reached its limit. Why not try using a DEBIT card guys?

Exhausted and beat... I GAVE UP

20090215

2/15/2009 12:13:00 AM

A Wish for a Valentine

Today is a day;
A day of joy and hope;
A day of dreams and cuddles;
A day of a harmonious melody -
Sung in a chorus by a blissful duo.

Today is the day;
The day with great beginnings;
The day with revealed truths;
The day with a string of simple words -
Whispered between the blissful duo.

Today is a day;
A day in February;
A day in time;
A day in visible existence -

"In love, with sincerity;
Etched in memories, in wonder -
A Fairytale that's mystical yet admired."

Today is your day;
Your day that's with a Valentine;
Your day that's filled with brilliance and optimism;
Your day that's free of worrisome anxieties -

Your time and space, to find someone who'd cherish,
And nurse you towards a future of perpetual beatitude -
A day that's the both of you;
Hand in hand, striding with coherence,
With someone you truly love.

~Happy Valentine's Day~

***

I've written this... poem... does it sound simple to any of you? Why not try reading between the lines? Or is poetry plainly for leisure and appreciation?

Art (music and other stuff that can be classified under this category) and literature... they are what many would fail to appreciate; they are what many of the few who'd take time off to appreciate - fail to comprehend the author's emotions. Or perhaps I've written it in a extremely complex manner...

14th February... should just be.. another day to me. It should just be... some other day where I'd plainly get past easily with my hectic schedule.

I was wrong, hence I wrote... I wrote a poem. It was inspired by a song... yet I wrote... I wrote... not knowing whom I was writing it for. I wanted it to be written... for you, and yet.. I couldn't seem to write... to you any further...

***

I stepped out of those grand oak doors today... everyone seemed to be in a mad rush with their stuff... I was so... ignored. Hence I wrote.. I wrote a poem.

***

I returned to my world without hearing any resemblance of that familiar voice calling out to me... I wrote... I wrote a poem... I wept... I wept upon a poem.

***

I left my doors unlocked, hoping that someone would come knocking; yet silence seemed so loud... it seemed to ring me apart... I wrote... I wrote a poem... I wept... I wept... a sheet of parchment stained with tears.

My emotions appear as soggy as the wet parchment... then again.. parchment should've been 'parched'... The ink smudged submissively... My words were lost in a battle of bitter teardrops that landed silently on the parchment.

Parched... my eyes were parched... I never moaned... I never groaned... never whined... never whimpered... I stared at the door... Nothing stirred at all.

20090209

2/09/2009 09:24:00 PM

Let me find myself.

20090202

2/02/2009 11:54:00 PM

cont'd from previous entry...

I plucked up my courage to take a peek at my doorstep... I'm afraid... hahaha.. I laugh at my fear..
hahaha.. it came echoing back at me... my fear was laughing at me.

Who am I to judge? Who was I to judge? If I left this person out at my doorstep for too long... would it bind me to misery if I were to lose this opportunity?

Now I would really like to unlock myself... yet I'm so afraid... because I'm still suffering from what you're doing to me now... yes indeed, ignorance is bliss... I could've just bothered no more... Wouldn't that make me a heartless? How would others view me to be? I couldn't just dump you like you had to me... I'm not that cruel... no.. never will I be. Yet... without your help, I had to get reform myself to face the ever intimidating world. You promised to be there for me... where are you now?

***

I reached for that one key that hung above my desk with much hesitation.. Should I?

***

It's time I stopped using those keys... I'm not gonna remain in this world of mine till I'm done with the world out there. Being in my world.. meant accepting and entertaining guests... guests like you... you.. you.. and you... For 3 times.. I have met and entertained.. guests like you. I've made the same mistake thrice, I'm not gonna lose another time.

You won't find me there, even if you might read... Don't miss me. don't.. EVER miss me. You've made it really clear last night...

'it's not the same anymore.'

It broke my heart, but no... I shall not accept anymore of your nonsense... until you learn how to treat me with respect when I spoke to you with respect. Perhaps you've been plotting behind me all this while... to do this to me, now that you've succeeded -- congratulations.

I confessed that I still miss you, but it won't.. last long, not after today... I'll get used to it... I'll get used to the harshness that you've shown me. I'll get used to everything. You needn't worry. Just worry for yourself. Someday... when you're done drifting, you may meet me again... don't regret then.. please.. don't.. ever regret...

Because.. today is the day... where I've finally completed the equation for the both of us.

***

New beginnings shall ensue... I'm sure this new outsider will show me that the rays at dusk aren't that mellow and depressing after all. I want to be the second person to smile as the rays would wash past our cheeks in our admiration towards the incoming dusk.

Tarot : Death = For every end, there's always a new beginning that's round the bend up ahead, never fret... ever.

20090201

2/01/2009 11:10:00 PM

I stumbled upon something of which... my curiosity feasted upon. No, I wish I hadn't. I wish that she wouldn't have to hide her emotions when she'd speak to me. We're friends, no? Why can't she just let down her guard for a moment and stop treating me like a total stranger?

If she really does miss me, then express it. If she doesn't, express it as well. She's practically lying to herself.. AND I HATE IT. 3 points... if I haven't inferred wrongly... 3 points... had been referring to me. I'd really wish that I hadn't read anything. I'd really wish I weren't so resourceful... I'd really wish that I could just... walk out of that memory, so that it'd stop stifling my life now... I know that I'd be overwhelmed by those emotions... if she's ever gonna say that she'd want to be with me again. I'm just that soft-hearted to those whom I had cared for. Blame me, but please do forgive me... For you'd be grateful if you were to hurt me this badly again, and yet would still want to reciprocate...

Or perhaps.. I guess I really did make an incorrect inference. I'm not whom she was talking about... It was perhaps.. only wishful thinking on my part.

***

Someone came knocking on my heavy and grand oak doors today... there was a slight clinking on that old and cranky-yet-secure padlock. Someone's out there... Should I take a peek? Or should I continue to live my life in misery... in that of ours? So that I wouldn't feel guilty towards you? What is friendship to you? Teach me... guide me... enlighten me.

2/01/2009 12:10:00 AM

Forgive me for being such a nut... for not speaking up.. or perhaps you're happy that way..
Forgive me for protecting you, from me... or perhaps you hadn't even realized.
Forgive me for your hatred towards me... or perhaps, my efforts had been only futile..

Forgive me, for everything I had done...
Forgive me for being noble and selfish...
Forgive me for loving you.
Forgive me for everything else that... I doubt I'd be able to mention again in person.

What's most important, remains a mystery to you... even when it appears to have clarified itself within me.

Perhaps.. I was a mystery to you, that once unraveled, appeared to not be a subject of fancy within moments. And for fear of that, I remain mysterious, now you've given up - I was no longer in your capacity to unravel my next move.

As I drift with the wind, I continue to protect the ones I love from the sprockets of rain that had battered heavily upon me. I continue to pursue a greater good that many have yet to realize. I remained calm and reserved... so as to prevent any potential antagonists from grasping a technique that would break my weakest link.

I shall uphold my spirit and honour... to protect the ones I love... May righteousness guide me on my path ahead... And may my virtues continue to develop themselves. If need be, my sacrifice would be worthwhile... all for the sake of protecting the ones I love..

For I am and always will be.. Le Eminence Grise.