{Why'd you have to be so clueless?.

20090325

3/25/2009 09:01:00 PM

Do something about my head, it's killing me.

I'm no longer sane; enduring this pain; can't stay in lane..
Cure this migraine; I plead in rain; staring at the window pane.
Spin, wind vane; efforts in vain; I missed the train...

If anyone can explain this riddle that I've written in the most "sane-ful" manner, he or she, is a friend. If not, he or she is merely an acquaintance.

***

I need to start breathing...

***

Do something about his mind, it's killing him.

20090324

3/24/2009 10:00:00 PM

I thought if I were to get you to hate me, it'd be easier on you... indeed, i guess it was easier for you to forget... not for me though.

I hear your voice; I heard the promises I had made; I see those memories that I've spent with you. How long has it been now? How long have I lingered in this sea of tears?

I regret, but I jolly know well enough, I can't forget... Or am I hallucinating? Why do I keep hearing our conversations? Why do I keep hearing you calling out to me? Why do I remember your eyes? Why? Why is it that I'm still here? Why do I still fear the places that we dated? Why do I speak to the air that floated aimlessly before me? Am I going mad? Am I?

I never dared to take even a glimpse of your profile on Facebook... I no longer dared to even look at the pictures we took together... Yet, I remember you. I wish I could forget those memories... I wish I were perfect...

I wish I could be smiling with you once again. I wish Mr Happy would sleep by my side once more (well.. it ain't on my bed... I left it in a corner... because I feared him..).

I'm striving hard enough, I'm doing my best to keep up with the times, and I am. I'm successful in all my endeavors. Never have I failed. Yet, I've failed to move on. I daren't contact you for fear that I might bring you a frown. I daren't contact you for fear that you might raise a brow in suspicion. My plot to bring you hatred towards me had succeeded, so why should I continue to fret?

Why? Why can't I face the truth that you had left me months ago? Why isn't this bitterness going away? Was my love for you that great? I wish I knew... and somehow... even with this bitterness that emanates from within me... I wish you happiness... I hope, and I really do hope... that you aren't plagued by the memories... I hope.. that my ploy had successfully brought you a new life... while i stay right here to play my role with never-ending devotion.

I wish the clouds would clear off someday... Yet... I do not wish to see the sun's lament. I wish that the clouds would just be blown away... by something.. or someone... I wish I could, and I would.. but I just couldn't... but I still would.

Melancholy... lies dormant in our hearts.

20090313

3/13/2009 10:41:00 PM

I thought I was understood back then. Then I finally realised now, that I wasn't understood at all -- by anyone.

Was it because I didn't want to be understood? No...
Was it because I gave up in trying to be understood? Perhaps...

Let me die. I can't figure out how sane I am. I can't figure if I'm still human...
I just want to be understood, is it really that hard?

Misunderstandings constrict my existence.
When can I ever unbind myself?
When will someone start listening to what I have to say?
Why am I always the one to listen?

Perhaps... I've waited too long. It's been so long since I've spoken up for myself. Can I die?
Will you let me die?
Compassion... guilt... dignity... pride. Do all these words mean anything at all?

Mr Happy... he's seated upon my bed. I can see his sadness. When he was taken off the shelf, it wasn't meant to be that way. Why? Why that smile that's so... ill-formed?

Migraines... Illusions... Muffled speeches of inexistent identities... Tell me, when can I be heard?

The ones I hate, I can never bring myself to that low a class to enact my revenge.
The ones I love, I can never speak up the truth that's held within my heart for fear that I may disappoint them.
The ones I trust, I can never find them.

Lost. So tell me, when can I be heard? Even if I were asked to be heard... I'm only an Eminence Grise in everyone's eyes... Something that's redundant to appear, yet important behind the scenes. The pretence that would be seen when I explain myself... would be so hurtful... to me.

When, when can I be heard? If not, when may I be allowed to depart from this world?

20090308

3/08/2009 10:27:00 PM

"They aren't back to haunt me and they never will."

Or at least that's what I told myself. Or rather, that's what I believed.

Then again, beliefs can never block off the memories that were etched so deeply in time; I regret that our friendship had sunk with titanic.

If only, I could just return to the past - to thwart history - I don't mind shortening my life expectancy. Perhaps life's what it should be, and that I've got no authority over myths that were created for a reason.

All hope is lost I guess... I want this to end... Yet, I'm unable to look at that dress. I can't bring myself to do so. I don't wish to remember. I'm resorting to escapism.

I'll do it; I'll get rid of it. Soon enough, I'll start anew. It's been 2 months now. 2 months... For 2 months, I've been trying to pick up the pieces; for 2 months... I've lingered... without a sense of direction; merely a false image to portray my (physical) existence.

I've stopped writing... I wish to start soon.. I can't write... because I can't find a direction to do so. How'd you feel if you read something that would confuse you in its attempt to convince?

***

I want my lemonade.

20090302

3/02/2009 10:24:00 PM

So tell me, what have I become?