{Why'd you have to be so clueless?.

20071231

12/31/2007 11:30:00 PM

Something's not right here.. Today's the third day. This feeling of truth-seeking and abandoning it is so real now.. It is when you reach the crossroads that you start to realise what's most important to you.

My parents have told me countless times; I have told myself indefinitely as well.. If i choose to seek any path in life, i must lose something of equivalent value in order to enjoy its effects. And up till now.. I have not touched upon the topic of ideals, have i? Funny, the way i'd put it to be.. (laugh now, not later.. it gets serious as soon as you start reading the next stanza)

Every human being is entitled to possess certain ideals that he or she would embrace for life. Some have many, others - a few. People see me as one who's bent on fulfilling my ideals; to be crude in whichever way i'd figure to be -- in order to succeed in making this world -- my ideal. Many see me to be different from others of age, I have to deny that. I'm no different from any of my peers, I'm just like everyone else - satisfied with simple gestures and not material objects.. I speak with my heart to those i trust.. But of all the people whom i've given a space to in my heart, i finally understood that some of them aren't worthy to remain here and continue to sap on my existence. It's new year once again, and there are people whom are meant to be forgotten as well as those whom are meant to remain within my world.

I don't know what else to say.. because i'm unsure of how to phrase my endless thoughts for today.. perhaps i shall write again when i acquire peace and quietness in my mind.. And perhaps.. only perhaps.. that i might or would consider.. to forsake an ideal for someone.
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Persiflage of Liberation

Restless, listless and undesirably flawless...
My hopes were dashed once for its sacrosanctity;
Tis' unwilling to concede to my own rigidity.

Savants who hoped to live on as commoners;
As they were lost to wealth and fortune,
For their brains were just too well-tuned.

Dispatch yourself from this presence;
Shelf those thoughts of pestilence,
For truth shall now see its entrance.

A new day;
A new ray;
To forsake; to forget; to forbid.
To forgive; to forbear; to foray?

Detriments that fill our hearts,
Serving its will to fulfill those oaths.
We made our lives thus sour for years,
The falling of those unworthy tears..

Thus I spoke with my heart;
Awaiting that of a new start.
"Qualms? Haven't had any.."

Lying low,

Setting grounds;

Beginnings of ends we found.

dfjhsdfhsjdf

Of that we sought with our tattered dreams;

To live to endure,

Hearts be pure.

sdjkhaskjfhksjdf

-- JWK

20071230

12/30/2007 11:40:00 PM

This is the second time i'm getting this strange feeling. Many thoughts seem to have been filtered off my mind... And now i really wonder, why did i filter them off in the first place? Was it because i finally found whom i am? No.. that shouldn't have been the answer. It's too simple for it to take the place for truth.

Someone who's more passionate (or obsessed) with truth more than anything else.. Someone who's so reliant on truth for his existence.. If truth fails to seek its existence in me.. my efforts to seek it, will seem so.. futile.. then i'd be better off dead.

Something i've sought for ages.. Something I've pined for and waited patiently for its appearance.. My existence is wearing thin.. and i really wonder how much longer i'd be able to last on this flickering light i'd grasp from within me. Perhaps i should stop seeking my truths.. and follow the path of what people want me to tread upon.. (or rather.. the normal path that's imperfect in every aspect as i'd deem it to be..)

But of course, I didn't demean it to be that way. It might even be a less treacherous path for me to tread upon.. and perhaps i'd be happier.. without the need for truth.. without the hunger for truth.. without the need to seek perfection.. (BUT I NEED TO BE PERFECT.. not for you, not for everyone else.. it's just me.. i just want to be PERFECT.. )

Being perfect isn't just all of perfection.. It's important to know how to be perfectly perfect.. in order to obtain the truth that you really need.. nevermind that.. it's only for me to ponder.. and you to wonder..
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Perhaps there are just some people in life who hold the keys that'll unlock your heart.
Perhaps there are just some people in life who would lose the keys after which..
and.. perhaps there are some people in life who'd not be able to find that keyhole again after they lose their set of keys..
And those are the ones whom you'd lose in life (not those who pass on, but those who fail to embrace the quintessence of your existence in their hearts.. It's a terrible thing to know..)

I happy with what i found today.. but i'm sad that i'm happy.. This agony that has surfaced due to remnant hopes and desires accumulated within my memories. I wish that i could just wash away my emotions just like i would do to wash a stain off a white shirt with Sodium Chlorate (V).

I'm me.. i shouldn't be wearing a mask to hide my sorrows.. No matter how much i desire for truth.. I must persevere to be myself, and to remove that mask that i've been adorned with all this time. I shouldn't feel sorrowful anymore.. I should seek truth with sincerity and only then, will they appear like the stars in cloudy skies. Those that would find you instead.. Those that are destined to be by your side. (but seriously.. destiny and all that fate thing.. I can't really say it's true either.. because i've not been able to prove it using scientific means.. It must be perfect as well.. sigh.. another truth to seek i guess..)

12/30/2007 01:54:00 AM

Day 4 -- Asakusa and "Raymond" Temple (Senshoji)

<-- This is the street that we have to 'trespass' before we reach Senshoji. And there's my brother pretending to be a tour guide for this expedition..

<-- That's Raymond's Gate!!

<-- And there was this really cute Welsh Corgi Cardigan at the temple as well.. (the owner brought it out for a walk when the weather was so chilly..)

<-- Then we had dinner at some Japanese Chinese Restaurant.. Which was really nice (even though i've always disliked Chinese cuisine..)

<-- My dad and my brother were rather satisfied with the meal.. thus the expression..

Day 5 -- Meiji Shrine and Harajuku

The entrance of the shrine -->

My brother insisted to take this piccy.. no comments (he sure is one photogenic chap..) -->

My loving parents (I took this picture using my dad's Nikon camera.. Good photographers usually use good cameras.. hehe ) -->

My dad.. I just love candid shots like these.. unlike those that you strike a pose and pretend to be cute (in a way or another..). The piccy on the left is taken by him.. Those rays formed due to the misty air in the forest were just fascinating.. -->

We even observed a traditional Japanese wedding.. how fortunate.. -->

There was this fountain where you can wash your hands with the so-called holy water that spilled out from those jets. Some people even drank the water.. and expelled their phlegm into the adjacent drain (without having to know that the water is being recycled.. after being purified.. that is..) -->

erm.. unsure of how i should address this thing in English.. It's just a wooden board for you to write your wishes on.. Then you hang it here and wait for things to happen.. (but they don't really happen actually.. because you have to pay a good 500 yen for it.. and paying money to make wishes is just... so wrong..) -->

Some of the teens doing Cosplay at Harajuku..

-->

(Above) --> We ended up taking pictures at some Pasta restaurant and it ended up looking pretty good.. So my pic went to take on the life of a profile picture on facebook.. haha

Day 6 -- Shinjuku and Takashimaya

<-- Mt Fuji (as seen from my hotel window.. Beautiful..)

<-- Just a busy street at night in Shinjuku West

Day 7

Some of Tokyo's Finest Scenes.. all taken on a bus ride to Narita Airport..

And then i got a little bored.. So i took this..

LOL.. Ok.. that's about it.. happy now? Sheesh.. And i wonder why i'm doing all this.. It's just not me to share about my experiences.. And i don't like to tell anyone where've i've been or whatnot.. Sigh.. Humans..

20071228

12/28/2007 11:20:00 PM

Day 1 -- there were pics.. but we looked so weary and tired.. grrr.. so no pics..

Day 2 -- Disneyland

<--The entrance of Tokyo Disneyland.

<-- My mom and I.. Many people have mistaken us to have been siblings.. but yep.. My mom's got that baby face..

<-- My dad refused to let me navigate at first.. but it became such a hassle to do so himself.. so i proved very much worthy to be the "family navigator" for the rest of the trip..

<-- One of those parades that Disneyland offers every now and then.. here's one with Lilo & Stitch and it's/his gang.

<-- Here's my little brother wearing that corny cowboy hat.. with his name sewn onto it at the back.

<-- Then because he threw tantrums saying that he didn't want to wear it.. My mom got me to take the rap for it.. RAWR

<-- Lunch.. we had pizza.. and then we saw some people feasting upon a huge teriyaki BBQ chicken thigh.. DARN

<-- The castle in the day..

<-- The castle at night.. how contrasting..

<-- They even had ducks roaming around freely in the park.. How cute!

Day 3 -- DisneySea

We took the Disneyland monorail to DisneySea.. Look at the windows.. goodness.. Disney's rather obsessed with mickey.. -->

3 heads supporting the WORLD!!! (ok.. that was so lame...) -->

Marching to the rides. before the rest of the crowd does.. Typical Singaporean attitude. LOL!!

-->

He was the photographer for the day -->

That was the only photograph he took that day -->

Temple of the crystal skull (I didn't know Indiana Jones went for Japanese Language classes..) -->

Raging spirits roller coaster ride.. not very exciting as there aren't many sudden drops.. and that there was only one 360 degree loop.. pathetic ride.. SERIOUSLY -->

My brother, my Dad and me.. -->

The Tower of Terror.. that was the best ride for DisneySea. Having the best storyline and the most exciting freefall from about 12 storeys high.. (it's not the best worldwide though..)

-->

Guess what happened when my mom and I went for the rides of which my brother couldn't get in..

He found some young japanese girls to charm!!

-->

The inside of that volcano you saw earlier.. -->

Right.. That's about all for now.. Will complete the rest later.. Hope you guys enjoyed the photos thus far..

20071227

12/27/2007 11:54:00 PM

I feel so strange.. so.. abstract.. and so.. different.. But nonetheless, I guess, i'm just emotionally disturbed by tigress.. Nothing much.. nothing much.. I should deal with me myself.. me myself..

Echoes.. I feel so strange with myself... myself.. I have questions.. I have many many questions.. about myself.. and about.. myself.. I'm trying to figure why i'm having so many questions.. about.. myself.. and myself.. and myself...

I want answers.. I want solutions.. to myself.. I want to know why am i being so not myself.. I want to know.. what's in it for me to be so not myself.. Why am i so cruel to myself.. Why am i so cruel... Why did someone have to ask me that? And why did it have to be me to be asking myself that?

Why is it just me, standing alone to face me? Why should i be here alone? Why... am i leaving myself for another me? Who am i going to take form? What's in it for me?

My heart's desire seems to burn a hole out of itself. And that pain irks me to give up in being myself.. I want to find myself.. and yet i'm half-dead already.

I'll post the pictures tomorrow.. i'll post the pictures.. tomorrow.. as long as tomorrow would live on to be itself and not it.

20071226

12/26/2007 04:04:00 PM

My previous entry was, to me, a total disgrace to whatever I've been writing so far.. It lacks the depth which i usually blend with every entry. I regret posting that entry.. somehow.. partially because I've also straightened things out during this trip to Tokyo. There are so many things in this world that are so imperfect.. and that whatever that might seem perfect - are just so beautiful and so.. unnatural in some way.. Pardon me, I'm quite confused with myself at the moment. I'm pouring out my emotions as they come along with depth.

"Persiflage of calumny" -- There's some inspiration coming from that phrase.. But i shan't compose any literary material just yet due to my sudden hangover from that glass of white wine on the plane (which i don't quite understand why I'm feeling so when i wasn't even drunk back then..)

Now.. you chaps must be wondering how was my Tokyo trip.. Here goes the ranting..
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Day 1 -- Arrival at Narita Airport + Keio Plaza Hotel
The air was generally polluted (no complaints though.. Beijing was evidently incorrigible..). Nothing much.. Got to the hotel via the Airport Limousine (this is a bus service the goes to and from the Airport to various locations. Not the usual white or black limos you see in American movies..). The hotel room was sweet, just that i don't quite like to sleep in front of a mirror.. Toilet seat warmers are pretty cool to begin with, as well as the ermm.. "butt washer system" that the toilet seat was installed with.. (apparently, we tried it out, but it didn't really seem to work out for us.. Wonder how the Japs manage to use it effectively..)

Day 2 -- Disneyland (without shuttle bus service to and from hotel)
Ok.. we didn't have any form of transport to Disneyland from our hotel.. So the only way for us to get there was to take a train (JR line) from Shinjuku West station all the way to Tokyo Station, where we then transfered to another JR line to get the Disneyland's adjacent station - Maihama Station at Tokyo Bay. The trains were fine, the fares were reasonable.. The walks were rather long (due to those really huge Subway stations such as Shinjuku West station, which is further connected to Shinjuku East and Shinjuku Main Station.. not to mention the really enormous network within that Tokyo Station.. And those heaps of people who scuttle about to work.. GOSH..)

Upon arrival, 'crowds were aloof'.. Totally.. not the right place to be for a vacation.. I mean, look, queueing for 2 hours for some really thrilling ride is absolutely riduiculous.. I definitely wouldn't waste my precious 2 hours for that 5 minutes of enjoyment.. Geezz.. not very fair at all.. But of course, we went fastpassing* the rides by scanning our tickets and coming back sometime later for the ride at the allocated time slot (Space Mountain was one of them..)

Nothing much.. it was a pretty kiddy place.. the real stuff come in the next day..

Day 3 -- DisneySea (With hotel shuttle service to Maihama Station)
This is the place for someone who wants to get away from everyday life. By scrutinising that intricate architecture that clutters to take the form of Tokyo DisneySea, it's rather obvious that they've definitely spent heaps of Yen to build and dig through that huge quarry in the middle of the theme park. Pictures shall be up in the next post.. so just hang on.

Due to having insane height limitations.. Kids are mostly refused from all rides.. (YAY.. that would typically mean that there aren't as many visitors to this park relative to that of Disneyland..) It's nothing much.. Some rides were rather thrilling, but otherwise, the storylines were great (just as anyone would expect ANYTHING that's produced by Disney Studios). Some of these rides include Indiana Jones and the Curse of the Crystal Skull + Tower of Terror (that's the best..) + Journey to the Centre of the Earth (And that would = Satisfaction and only satisfaction..)

Day 4 -- Asakusa and what my brother would call.. "Raymond Shrine" (Senshoji)
This really long street is filled up with roadside stalls that carried goods such as Japanese traditional costumes and wares.. There were also wooden bokutous on sale for about erm.. 1800 yen. Got most of the gifts from this place due to the products' rich Japanese culture.. (or so if my memory doesn't fail me..)

Sweet sake went for only 100 yen.. It's basically rice wine at it's middle stage of fermentation with minimal alcohol content. The weather was pretty cold on that day.. So the sweet sake was the best thing there was to keep warm.

Raymond was fine, just a little disturbing due to.. my sudden intuition. I wonder how i'd deal with such things..

Day 5 -- Meiji Shrine and Harajuku
Meiji shrine.. The best place to be at in Tokyo (that's my opinion..) I'd jolly just stay there for the entire day to meditate.. There was total peace and quietness that i wanted. No corruption, no evils that plague my mind when i entered that shrine.. And no, they don't produced chocolates..

Harajuku - the shopping district for teens and adults alike.. The best place to get goods that are AFFORDABLE.. (many people have this misconception that Japanese goods are expensive due to their high costs of living which is generally untrue if you're smart enough to know where to do your shopping..) I don't quite like shopping, but i'll gladly tag along with someone who knows how to shop..

Day 6 -- Keio Plaza and Takashimaya + Kinokuniya (Shinjuku Area)
This is why people keep complaining that Japanese goods are expensive.. Why bother to shop in a Shopping arcade when they only carry branded goods? Isn't it obvious that the stuff displayed are mostly for the affluently affluent?

Day 7 -- Narita Airport and Home
We met another family from our home country here at the boarding gate.. Apparently, they went on a round trip with a tour group.. (That means they went to Kyoto.. and visited that Gold leaf Shrine Thing.. RAWR.. I want to go there -- PEACE AND QUIET..)

We chatted for a bit.. and well, exchanged contacts (since we cliqued rather well..)

Interesting things, humans..
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I need rest. Pictures should come in tomorrow. Stay tuned.

20071219

12/19/2007 12:30:00 AM

It's 0030 now.. will be leaving for Tokyo in about.. 11 hours from now. I can't bear to leave this place with many loose ends that are still untied.. How can i be at peace when i've yet to settle my problems?

I'll miss her.. I'll miss my tigress to bits.. (and pieces). But for now, let me just get a little crazy..

I'm gonna write what i want to say to my tigress and a few other people..

Today -- 19/12/2007
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Tigress : RAWR.. i've flown off to Tokyo already.. and you still haven't given me your addy.. RAWR.. I'll miss you lots.. See you in 7 days' time :)

Dizi : Take care of yourself, don't sulk too much.. haha.. and i love that song on your blog.. also tagged as well. Smile always. i'll bring you a souvenir when i'm back.

The Sun : Read your blog post.. Eh.. you should get a tagboard.. it's rather hard for me to say anything without any.. erm.. medium to do so.. Stay sunny :) (even though you've got like.. 300 pages to type.. haha.. anything you want to rant.. just rant it on my taggy..)

Huat : LOL.. i just smacked the com like crazy on C&C 3. Too bad you left because you have to work tomorrow.. Sigh.. It was quite fun nuke-ing them all over.. LOL.. Play again when i get back yea?

Thursday -- 20/12/2007
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Tigress : I should be in Disneyland right now.. wahaha.. should be very fun.. (hey.. don't laugh at my stupidity here ok.. i know i'm blogging in advance.. and i know it's really stupid to do so.. but i just have to keep you company somehow.. LOL) mm.. I didn't bring my phone along because Japan doesn't support non-3G phones.. (Apparently mine isn't 3G).. Yup.. You must take care of yourself till i'm back.. then i can continue nagging at you.. LOL.. like what you said, "Don't worry, Be happy!"

Dizi : MUST STAY HAPPY.. and positive too.. but you'd better stay in a well-earthed building if you're positive.. don't wanna lose a friend to lightning.. OK.. lame.. i know..

Friday -- 21/12/2007
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Tigress : haha.. this is starting to get a little ridiculous.. ok.. this should be my second day in Disneyland.. hmm.. are you still in the midst of packing your room? If so.. What's the percentage completion already? Still at 21%? LOL.. okok.. i shan't "suan" you.. Don't let your throat or nose run away again.. I don't want you to waste energy chasing after them..

Dizi : Prepare for SURPRISE tomorrow!!

The Sun : How's your work coming along? Haha.. Tokyo must be really cold now.. (yea.. ok.. it sounds really ridiculous.. but i just can't bear to leave some people..) So i really need a sun to warm me up here.. (or there.. because here means here.. and not there..)

Huat : GEMS should be meeting you guys right? haha.. send him my regards.

Saturday -- 22/12/2007
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Tigress : hmm.. today's rather special.. are you forgetting someone? Take care alright?

Dizi : Hope you did get your surprise :) If not.. then i think it's delayed..

Sunday -- 23/12/2007
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Tigress : Go out with friends, entertain yourself with television programmes or even take naps here and there.. just don't waste your time stoning.. LOL.. I'll be back soon.. wonder what i might get for you though..

Dizi : If you didn't get your surprise yesterday.. Then it should come today!! So.. SURPRISE!! (that's if you didn't get that yesterday.. Terms and conditions apply..)

The Sun : wahaha.. should've taken alot of piccies by now..

Monday -- 24/12/2007
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Tigress : Today's Christmas eve.. and everyone here is like.. (or there) Merry Kurimasu.. LOL.. no seriously, i mean it. Not that i'm predicting that, but i really heard one myself. Perhaps if their english standards have stagnated, i'd prolly be hearing the same thing.. Guess i'll only be able to prove this when i get back.. Hope you have a wonderful Christmas dinner tonight.. Actually.. I'd have brought you to one if I weren't travelling.. Sigh.. even if your family didn't celebrate Christmas.. yup.. i'd brought you to one.. Hope you stay up to watch the stars.. (if it isn't raining..)

Dizi : Have a really good Christmas dinner alright? Take care of your health, go for your enjoyable running trips, or whatnots.. I'm glad you decided on something.. or at least.. a conclusion of which i do not know.. but i said i won't bother you about it anymore.. so i won't. You'd better be alright when i'm back.. I'll see you in erm.. 2 days' time perhaps? gonna bring you to Mt Faber.. (wonder why the Mt.. rather short for a Mt..)

Tuesday -- 25/12/2007
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Tigress : MERRY CHRISTMAS!! haha.. too bad i can't give you the SURPRISE because you didn't give me your addy.. nevermind.. It's ok.. I'm coming back home today.. prolly msg you when i reach. Have a good time..

Dizi : MERRY CHRISTMAS!! wahah.. i'll msg you when i'm back.. prolly around 0100 hrs of the next day.

The Sun : MERRY CHRISTMAS!! Don't have to work today right? LOL.. How many pages have you completed? Don't let them bully you alright.. I'll contact you soon, to arrange something.

Huat : YEA.. I'm freaking back.. MERRY CHRISTMAS to you as well.. hehe.. I want to play C&C 3 tomorrow!! And perhaps DotA as well as Enfo's. See ya online dude.. We should go have a meal somewhere or sommat..

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Ok.. i'm done.. hope i've kept a part of me with all of you during this period of time when i'm gone.. I'll be back to claim my existence.. just in case i lose mine in Tokyo.

I like you, Tigress.. I like you to bits.. LOL.. serious..

20071216

12/16/2007 11:16:00 PM

I don't really know what to write about today.. For I feel so regretful that i have to be back on that thing when i've not been taking it for such a long time.. All my efforts to suppress my emotional outbursts have all been for naught.. I feel so bad that i can't even keep that promise to myself..

nevermind, i'll be fine (that would be if you all did bother..).

I'll be going to Tokyo soon.. and.. there's something i need to do before i go.. Regardless of whatever might be the end result, I have to complete my mission.

I need rest..

20071215

12/15/2007 09:58:00 PM

I have many things to say today.. or rather now, as in.. i'm currently editing this post at 0220 hrs of tomorrow. So i'm rather fatigued now that it's so early yet so late.. But that'll be fine, because i want to say what i need to say.

I may be flawed, I may be imperfect -- no matter how much i try to be perfect, even some would say that i was so close to being perfect -- no matter how i long for perfection.. no matter how much it took me -- i'm still flawed (in some ways.. i just can't be perfect..)

I've caused much trouble to the one around me, and i'm so guilty for that. Seeking help from someone who doesn't really know me that well was a wrong move, i shouldn't have burdened that person.. So here i am, to tell you that i'm really sorry.. I don't know if you'd be reading all this, but everything i type here would represent what i'd really like to say from the bottom of my heart, and that i really mean it. I'd call you a few hours later to explain, but otherwise, I'm sorry for everything.. Our meeting on monday isn't cancelled, I just thought i was not alright and that i do not wish to let you see me in this state. Perhaps it was my miscalculation.. I managed to recover myself from whatever that was bugging me. Thank you for being there all along, i really appreciate it, even though i do not wish to rely too much on you (because you have your own troubles to cope with..)

That's one really long paragraph...

And tigress, I never ever wanted to burden you with my problems.. And i never will even if you want me to.. because it will take away your smile.. and i can't have that. If your happiness were to be stolen, I'd lose an important source of existence to be on this planet. If in any case you might feel troubled, my whole world would follow suit. I know you wouldn't want me to be so affected by you (but seriously, you never really brought me any troubles.. all i got from you were mostly happy memories and perhaps some of that monotone.. LOL). I can tell you "I like you" everyday, because that's how i feel. And i know that no matter how much i'd suppress my emotions due to my surroundings, my feelings towards you remain so realistic.. I suddenly realised after much thought during my recovery today.. but i shan't say it here.. So that you can get curious of what i was enlightened with. *chuckle*

That's another longer paragraph compared to that really long paragraph above above above..

I'm tired.. I was supposed to discuss about the reason to keep a blog, as requested by some of my readers.. for fame or privacy.. But I'M REALLY TIRED... Although it does seem as though a rather light-hearted tone flows within this post.. which isn't whom i am actually, or is it? Hah.. i wonder...

20071214

12/14/2007 11:37:00 PM

something happened, something's not right.. But i shan't talk about it.. it's my problem anyways.. (and i'd most likely have solved it by the time i finish writing out this post..).. So don't bother.. (if you did..)

"The skies are gray.. but my heart still remains warm in this cold-blooded figurine.. and i really wonder why.."

Well.. there is a logical explanation for that.. eg.. The skies are gray would mean that the weather is cold. And that if the weather is cold, your body would naturally turn colder if it doesn't produce sufficient heat to maintain thermal equilibrium. But of course, the heart would remain warm in order to maintain the body temperature.. Sigh.. me and my rational mind..

But seriously now.. Don't you find it really simple to understand? A kind heart behind a rather cool and collected composure in the midst of obstacles.. Oh well, nevermind, perhaps i was just doing too much of that self-analysis thing..

Life's boring.. If i didn't have someone to think about everyday (my tigress), i'd prolly be in the mortuary any minute now.. The cause of death would likely be that of a suicidal act..

Life's really boring.. If i didn't have something to think about everyday (perhaps the problems that would plague my most trusted friend for now..), i'd prolly be in a mental institute teaching the other mental patients about Pride and Prejudice.. *chuckle*.. fancy laughing at my own lameness (not physically though.. just lame..)

I have ALMOST everything.. I've got cash, luxurious living, and perhaps a few loving pets to keep me company.. but there's one simple thing that i do not have.. And that is LOVE.. which will inevitably lead to me not to have happiness either.. I can be alone, i'm fine with being alone. The main problem is.. i can't even be left alone.. not because of love, but because it's slavery.. no.. i shouldn't be writing this. haa.. the walls have ears.. Then there's the scheme to delete my blog address from the desktop.. Yep. i'll do just that.

Without tigress and my true friend, my life would've ended long ago.. As in.. perhaps.. i won't be me.. I won't be here typing all of this.. gratifying content. I would be using this blog to disseminate despair? Or would i be using this blog to start a new cult? I'll never know what i'm capable of due to schizophrenia..

***

Sigh.. another without any contact with my tigress.. Her com went down.. I wonder if i can fix it for her. I just wish to see her.. be it just for a short while.. even if it's just a "hello and bubye..", that'll be just fine.. It's good enough for me.. for i know that she's well. I trust that she wouldn't hide her true self from me as there isn't a need for it. And even if she does.. she's not the type who'd do so.. (all due to those expressions..)

I sound as if i'm madly in love with her.. well, admittably, i'd say yes.. even if she doesn't realise it, i'd still say yes.. even if she doesn't realise it after whatever that i'll be busy with soon, i'd still still still say yes.. Otherwise.. why'd i be pining for her every picosecond.. I feel lucky that i can do that for her.. gosh.. this is getting so.. not me..

--End.. for now

20071213

12/13/2007 11:17:00 PM

Today.. someone baked cookies for me.. how sweet.. (gosh.. imma guinea pig..) I went out with that someone.. brought that someone to a place she liked.. and of course, she was happy. My job today was to cheer her up.. and to solve her problem. (the her is not my tigress here.. i'm just helping a friend in need, so don't be jealous, my tigress..). We had some alcohol as well.. and i got drunk.. (of which i hardly do.. unless.. i've got problems of my own.. maybe i must've been sad.. to such an extent that i'm no longer able to feel it..).. Seriously, I feel so.. natural when i'm drunk.. as though i've lost my composure..

No matter how i try to find a solution for her, i'm still unable to figure a strategy that would help her out in a way such that i don't cause much destruction.. but of course, judgment has never been a peaceful thing.. In tarot, it's a card where either the people rejoice when the heavens praise them.. OR a card where the heaven forsakes the people, hence making them dejected.

Savants.. I want to be one.. i need to be one, i need to solve this problem. I need to figure things out. But savants.. it's not worth being one, or is it? To lose the ability to write or speak.. or to.. walk.. just for the sake of a powerful mind, it isn't worth it.. so i might not want to be one.. No, i won't want to be one..

Thinking.. thinking.. thinking.. and at the same time, i miss my tigress... haven't talked to her today.. might message her via sms later.

20071212

12/12/2007 11:36:00 PM

Sadness envelopes this upcoming trip to Tokyo. I can sense it, because it emanates from me. I'm worried. I want to be free from my thoughts.

All I'd ask for is to meet her just for once before I fly off to Japan.. I just want to exist.. before i lose more existence in her heart.. before i cease to exist as me..

Someone said i'm always putting on a false front.. perhaps so, but why bother? In the end, if i told anyone, they'd be bothered too.. (no, i don't mean you, it's just that, on general terms, that's what i would say.)

For those who understood my poem, please tell me, how should i be feeling now.. My heart wriths in pain as i type this post, and yet, as someone who's cold-blooded and unfeeling, i can't seem to feel any of this pain.. It seems as though both sides of me are battling each other constantly.. And when both characteristics are just as strong, it's hard for me to predict the outcome of my internal strife..

20071211

12/11/2007 03:01:00 PM

Thank goodness.. I'm still around. i don't wish to say too much.. unlike other days, I've got really nothing to say today.. because i can't feel anything.. life has become so monotonous.. thinking of my tigress would seem to be the only way out for this emptiness.. And I'm pretty much happy about the thinking.. but still, I'm very very very concerned about the truth.

All i want is a reply before i actually leave for my trip to Tokyo.. I just want to know how she actually feels about me (to have a proper closure for what I've started..), because i can like her forever, it's only a matter of whether i can continue living as a human being for that long due to the quintessence of existence. Right now i feel as if I'm fading away, i mean, any human without memories can still live as a living organism, otherwise known to be a living corpse. If that someone you depend on to exist forgets about you, you'll cease to exist as yourself.. and well, you'll become a living corpse if you don't find a proper way out asap..

Never mind that, it's all based on my groundless theories and philosophies, they would definitely seem fictional to most readers, and sadly, yes..

I need to clarify things. Because i think.. i no longer hold much importance.. hence the diminished existence.

Silent Noise of Predilection

Reap my soul;

That of torment;

That of defacement,

Existence would've foretold.

Pacing my steps;

That of despair;

That of fanfare?

Drowned by a shot of Schnapps.

Remember my heart;

That of fervor;

That of bete noire,

Evanescent philanthropic carts.

Partaking my vows;

That of content;

That of lament,

Deafened by silence, by viles...

-- The Djinni --

I hope you'd understand my poem.. It's got its depth, and you must have that depth to understand the words of recitation.

20071210

12/10/2007 10:06:00 PM

Apparently, i got better, so this post is only a mere fragment of my memory at that instant. Please do not mind too much, as it's only a fragment, a shard of the past. I haven't edited anything, so feel free to read what i wrote. And that should be all..

-------------------------------------------------------

Tigress was there.. she was there.. but i was busy.. i was busy all the time.. And soon, i'll have less than enough time with her.. or.. is she avoiding me? It's starting to react, I'm starting to petrify myself.. Why this?

I don't want to return to whom i was. I don't want to lose everything again.. I don't want to be cruel and cold-blooded.. I'm doing my best to fight this.. so that i can still remain me.. but he's too strong for me to resist..

Distractions are useless.. i'm half-gone.. half petrified.. After tonight's sleep, i really wonder if i'm still me.. or was it yesterday? Please.. i hardly beg people to save me.. this will be once in a long while.. I want to be saved from him.. I'm starting to talk like him.. i wonder how long can i keep my heart safe from his grasp..

But of course, he may still have the basic etiquettes, manners, and kindness towards lesser lifeforms.. but it'll no longer be the same way for humans.. Please, don't let me be reaped by him.. I love her, he doesn't.. I know how to love, he doesn't.. I'm human, but he isn't (or at least he thinks he isn't).. So please..

***

Perhaps this dinner will be the final one with me being dominant.. Thank you, you really made my day today, even though i made you walk around in circles endlessly, you never complained or fussed about it.. Please, find someone who'll treat you well and stay happy. And if you do remember me, please do not talk to him for i'd fear he might hurt you.. (I don't mean him.. but me.. the other me = him).

***

I'm tired.. it's time.. and.. hopefully, i'll find a way to neutralize him once more (like back then.. when i started liking my tigress..) and i'd say i won't.. unless my tigress would.. I'm dejected.. hurt.. wounded.. by my own hands.. they're both stained with my own blood of existence.. I should be dead.. but i still like her.. maybe my feelings for my tigress would pull me through.. since my tears would after all.. bring back all those happy memories..

"Flashbacks work wonders... and so do those tears of relinquished emotions."

I miss her badly.. i hope he would too..

20071209

12/09/2007 09:43:00 PM

Another day passes by.. another day of silence.. with me yearning in this worrysome state of mind.. I feel weird.. and i no longer have the right mind to write with depth.. What's going on? This frantic emotional mind is looking very much for a remedy to relieve its pain.. I constantly beseech it to endure.. but somehow, it's looking for better explanations to the current problems.. Explanations that require me to think rationally and weigh more pros and cons for all this madness that is to follow..

I miss her.. how i wished that she would save me from this tragedy that i'm facing now.. And then again, i'm afraid.. I'm so afraid.. it's just so heartbreaking for me if she'd choose to avoid me.. Why am i writing in this tone.. why have i decided to write that down? WHY AM I ASKING THESE BLATANTLY STUPID QUESTIONS??

I'd rather both of us face the problem as it is.. and attack the core of it.. please stop beating around the bushes.. we're both suffering here.. (i chose to believe that you're suffering too.. it's not that i'm being sadistic or whatnot.. it's just.. i'm just so regretful that i've put you through all this trouble...) And the more regretful i get, the more i hate myself.. Not because i'd start to feel for you.. it's because i've caused you so much harm.. That wasn't supposed to be how it should be.. By confessing to you doesn't mean that i should put you through more harm..

It's all my fault.. don't tell me that it isn't.. I'll tell you why. If i had thought of all the side effects before the enactment of the actual plan.. all this wouldn't have happened, i'd be still happily chatting away with you, my tigress, and not like now.. so alone.. thinking and thinking and thinking into nothingness. I'd still be able to give you happiness, in another way.. just that it'll be harder for me to take on my side.. i'm sorry.. i know no matter how many times i apologise, i'd not be able to salvage any situation..

I'll always be here.. to care for you, no matter how long it takes for you to realise.. that i really do feel that much for you. Even if you'd ever leave me someday, i'll always remember that you existed here and now (gosh.. i seem to write as if you're leaving me or somewhat.. *crosses fingers*.. please don't.. unless you're happier that way)

***

"For when you're with me, i've got nothing to fear. Not because you'd protect me from dangers, but because i must be strong enough to protect you from everything that you'd face, so that you'll live a life that's fraught of troubles and worries -- a life that's what you desire.."

--The Djinni--

20071208

12/08/2007 10:54:00 PM

Apparently.. i broke my altruistic move.. and.. i think i went a bit too emotional.. this morning, 0003 hrs.. i wrote a bunch of stuff.. (but i didn't say anything bad.. it's all good to the ears.. so no worries) in my tigress' msn window after she went offline. and i can't imagine that i took 1 hour to completely unleash and cool down all my emotions.. I simply.. like her too much, and i just can't bear to lose her..

As a friend, my tigress is a bubbly, adorable and 'mature' lady who knows how to stone pretty well due to her plain laziness.. okok.. wait.. that sounds as if i'm criticising her.. She's unique, in a sense, because i can trust her.. She keeps saying that she's selfish.. but i can't feel it from her. I'm well-known for my pride and i'd be able to detect selfishness or any other dishonourable characteristics that a human would possess straight away. I just can't sense the selfishness that's supposed to emanate from within those words..

They say writers write for 80% viewership, 15% wealth and 5% of personal thoughts. I totally disapprove of that.. i'm a writer myself; i write for my cause and not for others; i write for my feelings and not for others as well; i write what i feel that is right.. i don't care if i'm condemned or whatever, i have the freedom to write what i want.. (or more or less so...)

She has integrated into my everyday life.. it suddenly feels that there is a certain need to be in contact with her daily.. without that, emptiness will start to butt in. Besides, she has already taken such a huge space in my heart and that my life would almost completely revolve around her if she'd accept me (well she accepts me as a person.. but not that way yet..).. and call that gravitation.. (nope.. she's not that massive.. although tigers are known to grow to a greater mass than homosapiens) Ok.. let's cut all that crap.

Every moment that i'd spend ever since i liked her, i'd think about her happiness. All i cared was her happiness, because i'm sure that as long as she's happy, i'll most likely follow suit. Some people might think that i'm altruistic or selfless for doing so.. since i disregard my own happiness for her sake (but i suppose my tigress doesn't want that, cos she isn't that bad), but seriously, the fact is that.. i can't find my own happiness by myself. I can only be happy when the people whom i cherish are happy. They bring me my happiness and in return, i live for their happiness -- that's my purpose in life.

So i wonder.. i wonder about what will be the result of losing my tigress.. the thought of it irks me, and i hate this feeling -- to lose someone you cherish -- it's really painful. Almost every moment now.. i'm worrying.. all because i'm too afraid to lose her. All because i'm afraid to face the emptiness that will come. But i somehow know, she might be happier without me around.. perhaps that's my only consolation for being selfless..

guess i'll just walk away with that consolation prize then.. i know i'm not good enough for my tigress.. it's obvious.. ain't it? i'm too useless.. i can't do anything without her around (erm.. around doesn't need to be physically around.. as in.. you know.. she's around, but she's not around..) I'll end off here..

20071207

12/07/2007 11:17:00 AM

Time is short.. and i'd like to spend every moment i have with my tigress.. Sigh.. I wonder if people read blog posts twice.. hmm.. well, i do.. do you?

pardon me.. i need to think.. and think.. and think... and the more i think.. the more i start to miss her.. this is starting to get rather fruitless, i should stop typing now.. because all i can think of is her..

When i sit down and stare at blank space, the first thing that pops into my mind is not what that's gonna happen..
When i'm busy with work.. i've learnt how to multi-task (completing my work efficiently and thinking of her at the same time).
When i'm about to go crazy, i've learnt how to recover from it without the need to consume anything..

argh..
I'm no longer in the mood for games
I'm no longer in the mood for tv (even though i never really liked tv in the first place)
I'm no longer in the mood for anything.. without her.

Actually.. to repay my debt is only an excuse.. the reason behind it.. If there's a need for a reason, i'm just being altruistic towards my tigress... I'm not going anywhere, or gone anywhere.. i'm just here.. sitting in front of your msn window.. keeping quiet and staring at that your display picture (which you never really changed at all..)

haha.. you must think i'm crazy.. i yearn to speak to her so much.. and yet.. i'd rather be here suffering from those "withdrawal symptoms" for not talking to her.. all this effort, just to give her peace for a few days.. even though she said it once before, "n i like being bothered /<3"..

That's altruism.. but i'm unsure if it'll help her.. i meant.. the peace of mind that i'm giving now.. and i really wonder so..

20071206

12/06/2007 12:03:00 PM

empty cans.. go clink clank clink clink.. clank..
empty bottles shatter and go.. prraannggg
empty stomachs go grumble grumbles... gurgle..
empty boxes go fmmmphh.. bomf.. bomf..
empty rooms go.. "hello?...... hello?"
empty halls go.. "hello?......................................................................... hello?"
empty papers go ruffle ruffles, flappss..
empty wooden blocks go clock.. clock clock..
empty blogs go...

empty websites make people go.. darn.. this stuff stinks..

emptiness.. can you see it?
emptiness.. can you feel it?
emptiness.. it's frightening.. i don't want to be here..

emptiness.. emptiness.. emptiness.. and what if you fill up emptiness with more emptiness.. i'll show you what you'll get..

emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..
emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..
emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..
emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..
emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..
emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..

I start to think.. and think.. and then emptiness sets in.. engulfs my thoughts.. and.. i feel empty... wait.. so here's the question..

"What happens when you fill emptiness with emptiness?"
"How will you feel then? After all that filling of nothing into nothingness?"
"Will you feel lost? Will you feel.."

then what if emptiness is something? But of course.. it is something from the start to start with.. Sigh.. yea.. i feel lost.

20071205

12/05/2007 08:03:00 PM

There are several things i'd wish to say. Regardless of what i'm about to say here, life still goes on.

4th December 2007
On that fateful night, i did something (nono.. please keep your mind straight.. i didn't do anything of that sort) i've never done before in the whole of my sickly life (so far).. and.. well, I was really happy to see my tigress all dressed to the nines.. (whereas for me.. i was in a ruddy black jacket with a pink long-sleeved shirt.. eek.. my tigress managed to guess it correctly, how startling..) (WAIT.. i forgot to mention that i wore pants too.. LONG BLACK FORMAL PANTS.. look.. it'd be bad to imagine me being half-naked)

So.. I got a small bouquet (a big yellowish sunflower to be specific..) as well as some other gifts.. well. hope ya liked it.. tigress.. haha..
For those who read this blog.. you might think that i'm rather ungentlemanly/rude for calling someone a tigress.. but seriously.. you won't see my usual self calling anyone else a tigress.. cos it'll get me into some really big trouble...

This post may well be dedicated to my tigress, because she's someone i cherish abundantly. Not many people take notice and read this blog of mine.. so you can put your mind at ease, tigress, as not many people will know what i'm gonna praise about you.. (but well, if you do want to let others know about it, then just give them my blog addy)

This is a short stanza on "I like...": (List is not exhaustive.. the rest are just.. indescribable)
I like the many facial expressions that she'd display, especially her smile.
I like the way she talks.
I like the way she tells me, "dun worry, be happy".
I like to look into her eyes, because they can talk to you even when she's stoning.
I like her kind nature.
I like her attitude.. plain laziness (LOL, now seriously, i do like her for that..).
I like the style in which she carries herself with.
I like that plain look that she has when she doesn't put in effort to doll herself up.
I like the way she understands whom i am.
I like the way she makes me existent.
I like the way she fills up my emptiness.
I like her for being there for me all the time..
I like her for having a mind of her own.
I like her voice.
I like her for being herself.

Gosh.. it all sounds sooo mushy.. but well, i daren't say too much, if not my tigress might start to bite/ roar at me..

Somehow.. it finally seems that i'm ending my search for a true friend.. (although.. i can't be too certain.. but.. i'm always prepared for the worst.. so i should be able to handle any tribulations that are to come by). To me, to love a friend to such a great extent such that it exceeds that brotherhood in arms shared among guys.. (No human can surpass the bond created by true friends.) True friends are those.. whom you can sacrifice your life or whatnot, in exchange for their happiness (this of which.. is fondly known to the public as that of a loving couple).

I have my theories.. I have my views and opinions in life that are so very different from those of the commonfolk. (mind you, don't call me a heretic, i've had enough of those names..)

I just want to tell my tigress that.. i trust her fully (even though it's rather insincere to write it here.. but i guess she'd be too busy to read.. haha.. i must always think for the worst scenario.. funny eh?) and that i want to be someone she can really count on and trust in future.. that's why i've planned everything ever since i was a child.. I knew that one day, i'll find my true friend, and that i'll never want to lose this person (unless i'm dead, or i'm unable to give her as much happiness as i promised..). That's the reason why i'm working so hard to secure my career, to secure my character and to polish it to perfection.. so that if i meet her someday, i'll be ready to protect and support her (I can promise you that, and i won't fail you unless i die.. lol.. i think really really far.. goodness..)

No worries, no one will know whom this tigress is other than the tigress herself. So you can keep your mind at ease. I won't sabotage you.. The reason why i write this is because.. you're THAT important to me. Smile always..