4 months ago... I wrote about emotions and how they were conserved. And here I am today listless and unfeeling...
Did I kill them? Somehow, somewhere, deep in my heart, there's this... i dunno what's that thing.. it's just so "dead".
I wonder why my paragraphs appear so short... perhaps it's just lethargy from all that mindless zombie-ish studying late into the night. I wonder what should i start this entry with... perhaps my latest poem would be worth reading...
Title:
S T R A N G E R SDistant…
So very distant;
Those memories that drifted with the wind,
No longer can they be seen.
That’s reality;
There’s no liberty.
Those strides we took in differing directions,
Like the compass without precision.
Sardonic…
So very sardonic;
That tormented laughter echoing from within;
Relationships wearing thin.
Those dreams;
Smashed to smithereens.
That hypocrisy present in empathy;
The end of our affinity.
Forsaken…
So very forsaken;
Consolation for the efforts I’ve tried,
Mourning for the love that died.
Writhing in pain;
A pact slain.
Creased emotions that ripped apart;
Melancholy in our hearts.
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Perhaps the only way in which i can express myself would be poetry writing. Anyway, i changed the background music for my blog (your ears should be telling you so, if not, it'd be you forgetting to turn on the speakers that are plugged into your computer). Also added another personality test thingy under the craptastic tabby.. check it out if you're interested (otherwise, don't bother, for no apparent reason, yes, please don't bother).
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Prelims are round the corner.. Approximately 6 days from now... stressed, aren't we? From the way we spoke to one another, i sense your anxiety... but could you see mine? Perhaps all of you are too busy with your own lives, so much that my existence starts to fade in your hearts. As i dematerialize, yours would too in mine. I'm so sorry that it's no longer my fault; so sorry that all of you can't blame me anymore... I feel nothing. Nothing at all.
Why should i bother to explain? I'm not gonna give in anyway... It's high time that i drove all of you outta my life... It's time i should return to seclusion... to my world that's without emotions. The longer you stay, the more glasses you shatter, it's hard for me to clear the mess...
Are there really people in this world whom are selfless by nature? I admit that i'm not one... but i'd give my fullest if you're worth my time (perhaps until someone unlocks that oak door again.. I should remain dormant, slumbering away in my colourless dimension)
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I just mentioned about locking myself in my world... yet recently, and only recently, i heard a knock on my door. Should i open it? Should i respond to it? And if i should, why should i? Perhaps that would be my newfound hope? But what if this hope turns out to be a disaster after all? I wonder if i can still take anymore of this...
You might say that i'm always tangled with this thing called "love"... the truth is... I'm not. I merely want someone who understands me. Someone who speaks in coherence with me. And of course, as we speak of this topic right now... I'm pondering if i should elaborate -- i don't have much existence left to tell of others. Neither do i have much energy to sustain the capacity of the existence that i'm contained within.
Weary... yet i don't feel any emotional shifts in any way... All i know is that i'm really tired of all these fruitless relationships (not just BGR, everything else other than my family..)
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Should i reciprocate? She really reminds me of someone, someone i thought i knew long ago... It's a different feeling... and it feels as if my emotions were ressurrected from the dead. This feeling of warmth... it's returning slowly. but of course, to the rest of those acquaintances... It's only best to remain cold; i've been left out in the cold for too long now...
Then again, i heard my voice echoing through my brain... It's my life, why should it be controlled by others? Why should they dictate my life? Why can't i have full control? Why are emotions of such hindrance? Why do we even have emotions when they are such petty feelings that we experience in relationships? Gosh.. it doesn't really make any sense to you, does it?
I feel detached from everyone, it's almost as thought there's this generation gap between all of us. And yet, there this single person, whom had only known me for 1.5 months... Well done... really..
