{Why'd you have to be so clueless?.

20090129

1/29/2009 08:30:00 PM

Perhaps it happens to everyone after breakups.. They all find stuff to engulf their lives with. So much that once they've lost themselves in it, they start to feel a different set of emptiness as compared to that of what they'd experience if they hadn't done so.

I've gotten out of that phase.. as in.. busying myself with everything, have you?
I've decided to press stop.. and start doing some soul-searching.. have you?
I read, heard and watched more than enough grievances in this world... have you?

I don't wish to see anymore of this;
I don't wish to fret about this any longer...
If only someone would grant me this tiny slice of warmth...
I wouldn't have ended up in such a state.

Where have all you hidden all those smiles?
Where was I left to rot?
(and why'd I use rot? simple, I'm biodegradable, no? haha.. read between the lines, my friend..)

***

Have you forgotten me just as she did?
Do you not remember a thing at all?
Do you wish to commit the same mistake as she did?
Why do all of you resort to escapism?
Why do you not face the music?
Why am I always left to pick up the shattered pieces of relationships?
Why do I even have to do so?
To console all of you?
Or did you think I was trying to gain your sympathy?

I'm doubting everything now... everything.

1/29/2009 01:06:00 AM

"...
An endless sorrow in a path I took;
Forsook and weary - stooped away from the crowds -
You waved to me, and said 'hello'.
...
Each day we spoke and laughed in harmony;
Each day came with blissful beginnings -
Those of which we yearned never to forget.
...
Your smile brought me warmth -
A comforting wave of warmth.
Your voice made me realise,
That nothing had mattered anymore.
...
*Blackout*
...
I saw the glitter of tears in your eyes -
I knew at that very moment,
It was a dream that I could never attain.
In this dark and lonely corner within me, I cried..."

lyrics lyrics lyrics.. as usual.. I'm not good with titles..

*Blackout* = a moment in which I'd deem as the 'writer's block'.

20090128

1/28/2009 12:19:00 AM

Facts are facts... someone special was born today, 19 years ago.

81777 29928417 26 763

words are words, figures are figures, emotions are just stuff that lie between them both.

Now that I'm using figures to state my wishes.. it only means one thing... I'm dead serious about something, something that... perhaps you may or may not wish to decipher with numbers or riddles.. whatever the case, don't worry, you won't be hurt by me, just stay safe from the rest of the world...

Friend.. it's a new word to me, I'm really trying to register it, to internalize it... perhaps... someday, someone will help me understand... that this world, has friends who'd really BE a friend.

Trust... no one -- trust... is a weapon... that one might use against you. Do you trust me? I doubt so... I doubt it... considering.. the many equations to today.. I'm doubting everything.

At least... I locked my emotions safely away, I'd never doubted how I felt back then. I never doubted you back then... but now... I doubt everyone. No one can be trusted... you'd understand one day... when it's your turn to feel this way.. perhaps you might remember me... perhaps you might not.

I'm only a figment of your memories... I'm only, a fragment of trust that's misplaced; I'm only... a minute shard... a shrapnel, that'll only cause you harm if you'd continue to try to pluck it off you..

My advice...

Wait for your wound to heal, once it does... if you'd ever be able to pull it out... pull it out.
Or.. if you decide that it should stick with you, don't push it deeper into your flesh -- still pull it out, polish it to shine, then make a new chain out of it...

old ones get rusty over time.

I want my chain renewed -- that means, renewed trust, renewed truth, renewed friendship, renewed relationship... etc etc.. That's your job. I've untied my end of the knot, it's your turn.

20090125

1/25/2009 11:33:00 PM

As melancholic as I've always been... As emotional as I should try to be... I've re-visited a few other memories today... it hurts... why did it have to end in the first place?

The quayside at VivoCity... where most of our memories still breathed of joy as we embraced one another to watch yet.. another sunset...

The footpath down orchard road where we first met... and of course, not forgetting Ngee Ann City... where we first took our baby steps to get to know each other. I was as usual... doing my routine book-hunting, when we first met...

And yet today... I've only wanted to avoid those places that we've been to, knowing that I'd see the both of us together in my memories.

You should not be reading this. You should and must not know that I'm still.. here.. going against my words. I can't honour those words at all... I can't let go... of those.. memories.

Can't let go of those dreams that I've sculpted for the both of us.
Can't let go of you speaking to me in silence with just your eyes.
Can't let go... I just can't... those emotions, it was as though... it were only yesterday that we'd just parted...

It's been more than 10 days now -- about the same amount as back then when I was away in Brunei... Could I bear to hurt you? Yes, only if you requested me to do so. I had to... to hurt you now rather than to let you brew it yourself in future.

Right now... are you bored?
Do you feel empty?
Are you well?
How have you been?
Were you hurting yourself as much?

If only... if only we'd just be honest to one another... or perhaps.. I'm merely guessing things to appear as what I'd desire.

Positive thinking might just end up as only that of being wishful... tell me... was it and is it still wishful thinking on my part that we can get back together?

If love were logical... then I'd be by your side right now... but it's not. it's not...
Facts are facts... I'm crying over spilt milk... yet I'm stubborn enough to try soaking up all that spilt milk (ok.. lactose intolerant.. let's change it to erm... spilt {fruit} punch)...

Just to distill it and purify it... to repristinate what we are today, hence reversing the tragedy that has occurred... or would you rather I hadn't done so?

I'm so in love with this lady whom I'm talking about. and that's none other than you (if you'd still be reading..)

Nothing, carry on with life... I'm merely ranting in honesty... I've told many lies, too many... so that you could be happy without me. I'm sorry... I really am...

Wonder if you understood those figures in my email to you as well... but not much hope for it, I have not indeed. There no such thing as too late for anything... always remember... it's always better late.. than never at all. Because I still love you.

Oh.. and happy lunar new year to you and everyone else as well...

20090124

1/24/2009 10:25:00 PM

I've finally returned to the balanced me... though still reforming my emotional foundations... at least.. I've returned to that... thing that... could feel again. Less logical, more emotional... so different from that extremely logical bugger for that 4 days after we had separated.

The real pain starts now... after re-visiting the places we went together (not that I had wanted to see them again... it just so happened that my family decided to head there for dinner..)

Then again... why am I writing this? I mean, you aren't gonna read this anymore...

Then, then again... I drove you away, and that was my choice. I made you hate me, that was my choice... In the end... hatred would grant you ease in letting go... whereas here I am... still suffering from a love that's so hard to get rid of...

Went to Queensway today (lunar new year = reunion dinners with external families... something, I don't quite like, unless... it's a quiet one.), and passed by that tiny road we walked during our first official date. I could almost hear your voice, reverberating against my eardrums as you would've whispered against my ear. I felt myself giving in to that smile of yours, I think I smiled... even as my heart would ache so badly.

I saw us walking towards that utterly bus stop that's situated just outside a branch of the National Environmental Agency, haha.. and to think back then you thought it were the main branch... (seriously, I thought it was until recalling that the main branch is at botanic gardens).

I saw us, happy together. I saw me, as me.

I fished for my mobile phone that lay silent in my pocket. It was uneventful. Got a whole day of calls and messages from my workplace just because some friend of mine was unsure of the SOP.

*Silence* (visually and verbally)

I stared at the lighted LCD screen which gave off a glow of blue. Nothing... nothing... I must've been dreaming, it's been a week now... nothing...

I'm still blaming myself, for driving you away. If you'd ever read this, don't do anything. don't tag... don't say anything... just say hi to me... on that webbie we first met. We're still friends, aren't we? (I must be dreaming.. Why should I still be hopeful about that?)

Who am I trying to portray at the moment... I'm standing in the middle of two planes... swaying from one to the other... really hope these emotions are merely shortlived... yet... I'm still determined to prolong it. The chapter has ended... for you... Now.

I can't find my ending -- or I had actually tried to create it -- but to no avail. I can't lie to myself... I can't forget you. It's terrible, missing you, it's just so terrible.

I'm cruel... so cruel to myself, why can't I just stop? Really wish to... I'd really do. Yet... I still love you as much...

***

Thinking back... thinking.. haha.. can never stop thinking.. I should stop laughing when my heart ain't laughing no more...

1/24/2009 12:22:00 AM

Recovered... recovered.. As always... as I'd always write --

My determination to repristinate..
My longing for repristination...
My emotions for achieving it.

Yet... I have none.
Much happened this week... I felt nothing.
Much happened last week (as I read my entries...)... I felt nothing.. again..
Stress starts to build up... I feel nothing...
I continued to fire away with those 'lame' issues... others laughed when they caught it... I felt nothing..

For once... I have stopped...
For twice... I have stopped searching...
For thrice... I had squirmed back to life with this state of mind...

I don't feel anything...
No yearning for friends...
No pining for love...
No laughter, no grief...
No love, no hatred...

Plain wretchedness towards myself.
Blames, faults... I'm the accused.
I feel and felt nothing...
AT ALL.

None I wrote could seem up to my standards...
None I spoke revealed my soul.
Painless, lifeless... I've achieved my goal.
Regret? There are no regrets...

It's numbers... my mind is now filled with numbers...

numbers...

97 96 15955 722 (12)175;
9 1(13) 679(12)(12) 8555

(13)1(12)25 97 96 127 (13)5 7817 (12)28 155 55655917 72

1 A N
2 B O
3 C P
4 D Q
5 E R
6 F S
7 G T
8 H U
9 I V
(10) J W
(11) K X
(12) L Y
(13) M Z

and... the 2nd level of understanding would be sums. followed by differences... then products.. and quotients...

sums... i don't like differences..
products go too fast...
quotients.. might end up lesser than differences..

***

Or should I follow a different system? say.. the traditional one -- The Pythagorean number values?

1 A J S
2 B K T
3 C L U
4 D M V
5 E N W
6 F O X
7 G P Y
8 H Q Z
9 I R

I'll stick to this... for future messages. Gonna come up with a script to encrypt my words soon enough... it's not safe...

Yet.. a very interesting research topic to touch on... encryption...
Then.. to greater heights.. randomized encryption keys.. to prevent others like me.. interesting..

20090123

1/23/2009 02:57:00 PM

我还想她

泪水将我淹没到底谁该难过
究竟是谁放掉这段感情

我才终于明白办不到的承诺
就成了枷锁
现实中幸福永远缺货

请告诉她我不爱她
笑著难过自我惩罚
想终止这一切挣扎
狠了心说真心谎话
别告诉她我还想她
恨总比爱容易放下
当泪水堵住了胸口
就让沉默代替所有回答

我不爱我不痛我不懂
我的心早已掏空
真心话言不由衷

别告诉她我还想她
就让沉默代替所有回答

20090120

1/20/2009 10:12:00 PM

An incredulous recipe to rid off Emptiness

Name: Emptiness-no-more
Category: Mental consumption
Status: Existent, Stabilizers present
Others: No preservatives added, all ingredients take immediate effect

Ingredients:
A generous serving of a full day of work, juggling between 2 projects;
A pinch of lunch;
A usual dose of driving lessons
An incoherent squeeze of travelling time;

Methodology:
1. Think of nothing else, well, literally nothing, since your superior watches you under his nose round the clock.

2. Head for lunch alone during peak timings -- Increases stress level and decreases flow of thoughts.

3. Head straight back to work, instantly burying oneself with more emails and perhaps indulge in flash games to de-stress and gain positive gaming stress.

4. Think nothing of leaving work later than dismissal time, make a beeline for the exit 10 minutes before the end of the day.

5. Walk at double the frequency, or rather, half the period of each pace, to hasten the mind, hence arriving just in time for a feeder bus.

6. Plug in the ear-pieces while travelling, man-made noises are only a hindrance to the calm and clear mind; pick up a book to read if need be.

7. Upon alighting at desired destination, cross the road without heed for traffic when the traffic is the heaviest -- refer to step 2 if in doubt of the reason.

8. Read while waiting for the lesson to commence at the driving centre; stare at the words, and only the words; concentrate and indulge in the comforts of those ear-pieces as well.

9. While driving, stay focused and perfect - be grateful when instructors say their praises to you.

10. At the end of the lesson, repeat step 6 while travelling home.

***

Inspiration no longer brews... all I have in mind is that of logicality... A typical mindset of a Scientist/Mathematician.

How disappointing... From this point of view, in a logical sense, I would conclude that I loved her so that I could receive that bit of inspiration from her.

Like I once mentioned my many trances...
"Life is full of transactions, not relationships"

But no... In the cultured and gentlemanly point of view, it's
"You'll feel worse to lose something you once had, than to feel you didn't have it at all."

What's love? I know not...
What's hate? I know lots.
What's sorrow? I'd say lament.
What's joy? I know not.

Who'd show me my sunrise once again?
You, you, you, you... or you*? Or is it me again?
Must I force the reverse rotation of the Earth just to see it?

*refers to different you's... 'you' does not refer to the same individual, get that right. And... 5 'you's is only a figure, the world is vast, 'you' might be anyone, who knows?

20090116

1/16/2009 11:07:00 PM

keep my heart safe, keep it safe.

I'm glad I stashed it with you before it turned into stone.

I'm a poison, like the Medusa's glare, a poison that inflicts instant death.

Fear me, and victims you shall be.
Challenge me, and feel my wrath.

For I have unleashed the human in me, the embodiment of all deadly sins.
For I have chosen to blend in with the crowd, and play as the silent assassin.
For I have decided to play with loyalty, to betray the human race for their misdeeds.

Poison against poison... Who would emerge victorious?
Survival of the fittest, I judge thee, for I shall lead my path of righteousness and honour, to cleanse this land of her misdeeds.

Luxuria
Gula
Avaritia
Acedia
Ira
Invidia
Superbia

These sins shall all be erased... None shall remain (at least until I'm done with this world).

If my life were to be sacrificed, so be it... for the greater good, I'd have no regrets...

1/16/2009 09:29:00 PM

I know you won't and wouldn't... so don't.

You know I will and would... so don't.

We both know, we both know... whom to trust, whom to love...

Quietus of me... Quietus of us... spoken in tears... all be just.

I'd stay alive... all because I made you that one very silly promise.

And that is to stand by you no matter what happens... pretty silly don't you think?
Isn't that bringing me more grief instead? Well... at least it does make me less suicidal.

Goodnight world, sleep while you still can before the Djinni prowls once again... in search for fresh emotions of hatred and wretch...

The Djinni thrives on it, and so will I.

Goodnight world, for we are one and WE shall hunt... again.

***

The theory of equivalent trade will ensue... I'm waiting for my results.. how about you?
The Principle of Conservation of Emotions shall apply...

All my love for you, shall be converted, for I am balanced.
You've kept my heart from me, I shall abide.
Rebirth and resurrect thy old one; wake and bury thee new victim...
Feel the pain course within thy veins,
Seek the truth that lies within.

Why have I said all this in such negative terms...
Very simple, a fact; so simple, a fact.
Truth of the heart, be sought by the deaf.
Truth of the world, be sought by the blind.
Truth of the mind, be sought by the dumb.

Whom shall see its fate and destiny --
Thy truth I speak of, may be within you.
So here I come hunting for truth --
Being deaf, blind and dumb, I approach;
Being deaf, blind and dumb, I hunt.

Until the newly buried is forcibly revived;
The old shall roam a land of falsified humans.

***

Don't be negative with what I said, it's just normal for me to pen down my hatred to this world when I don't feel needed. So please, let me restate my claim to revert this world from her original sin.

I'm not god, and there isn't one, and I'm not playing his role either.
If the world fails to seek peace within itself -- I'd be glad to exterminate the hated and the wretched.

***

Goodnight world, goodnight world... I'm insane as can be, I'm insane for I'm me.

20090114

1/14/2009 08:06:00 AM

Quietus of Sillyboy

I awoke in the middle of the night, only to see you sitting in a corner, and crying.
I asked out of concern... you insisted on keeping silent.
I pressed on further... all because I loved you and I couldn't bear to see you suffering in silence...
I solved your confusion... and had you to decide on what's best for you.
I held your left hand... and placed gently; a fruit knife on your palm.
I admired your eyes with ease... you frowned and cried harder..

I said, 'Just do it, before the painkiller wears off...' I tried to smile.
You replied a simple 'no'.. followed yet again by silence...

I aided you into gripping the fruit knife.. and have it pointed at my heart.
'Just do it... before it's too late.'
You shook your head, eyes unable to look into mine.

Without hesitance, I held your left hand with both of mine...
Without hesitance, I thrust it into my heart...
Without hesitance, I must end your suffering...
Without hesitance, I have proven my love for you to be thus deep.

Squelch, wheeze... the physical me seems struggling to survive...
Squelch, wheeze... and I feel no pain at all...
Pain... I must've loved you too much.. so very much...
Pain... seems redundant... in my love for you.

The fruit knife stuck onto my chest, I staggered...
The fruit knife stuck onto my chest, you were startled.
I looked deeply into your eyes, merely trying to tell you that it's alright.
I looked deeply into your eyes... merely telling you that you've done nothing wrong...
Squelch, wheeze... Squelch, wheeze... breathing gets harder now...
Squelch, wheeze... Squelch, wheeze... am I dead yet?
Even apples cry... am I dead yet?

The chains that bind me to you remain cold and clammy.
The chains that bind me to you remain sturdy and lifeless.
You asked if I wanted to be unchained...
I asked if you wanted that to happen...
We both know... we weren't just lovers to begin with.

You softened your grip on the fruit knife, I continued to hold.
With the least effort in place, I pulled it off my chest and stabbed again.
With another yank, I stabbed harder.
I felt nothing... we still continued to love one another.
I feared everything... yet I still continued to love you.

I have forced you to kill me... you continued to cry...
I told you never to regret... for I've been a lifeless doll to begin with...
A lifeless doll I've been; A lifeless doll that knew how to cry.
My heart existed for you... for a love... that's now lost in the mist.

***

Someday... you might love me once more... I told you I'd never want to lose you again, yet it happened... you've decided to leave me and I had let you do so... do I suffer? Which do you want to hear? The politically correct? Or what my heart truly meant?

Someday... I might lose all my emotions... Will you ever resurrect them? Whom shall I be then? Whom should I be now? Who am I? I've lost my will... and am clinging on to that last bit of essence that would allow me to linger in this world.. for hopes that you might return...

I love you... nothing has ended... because I still love you.

***

Changed the song... lyrics as given below..

讓 -- 楊宗緯

多想要找到一絲掙扎在妳臉上
可是妳美得冷得淡得像月亮
等著妳的那輛車燈閃一下
像催妳草草斷了我們的過往

約好要每年回到初擁吻的地方
劃一個記號寫下相戀的感想
等明年我剩一個人坐在堤防
該唱首什麼歌來紀念愛的傻

讓你逃亡又讓你回航
讓你依賴我也讓你倔強
只要你微笑帶一點感動的淚光
我就得到可以再給的力量

我讓你飛翔又讓你說謊
我讓你苛求我也讓你奢望
我還以為愛就是要體貼的退讓
我們一起蓋的羅馬妳卻跟他拆了城牆
踩過我用摯愛建築的天堂

太絕對的愛變成了活該　朋友要我責怪　
我卻只想重來　也許這就叫愛

多少日子蓋的羅馬
妳用一夜拆了城牆
踩碎我曾讓妳棲息的胸膛

***

20090101

1/01/2009 12:33:00 AM

A year has ended and another comes along... and soon enough it will end and repeat its cycle.
That would and will never happen to the both of us... I don't want any endings, hence denying new beginnings... I just want to protect our memories, so that we'd be able to laugh, cry, frown or etc about them when we've conceded to the ends of time.

Most important of all, all these little arguments that we may have had... to tell you the truth, I'm afraid of them... because I'm so afraid to lose you again... Even when I've made the stupidest mistakes like those (shan't write it here... but you know it very well...), I've always felt so guilty after which, because I've made you feel upset about what I've done.

My only talent is that of writing. Hence, prolly the 2nd best gift that I can leave with you are my words that are dedicated to you.

As pure as white would remain;
As mysterious as silver would portray;
As time would make all colours evanescent -

My love for you shall remain simple and complete;
My love for you would prove itself unblemished;
My love for you is perpetual.

Then you must be wondering why I can no longer leave you the best of me before I go. The reason is pretty simple... because you already have it with you.

And that 'it' is my devotion towards you. It's my dedication to your smile. I may have asked many unnecessary questions this morning, and could've caused you some unnecessary worries... Yet, I'm so dreadfully honest when I'm with you, I'd prolly be unable to hide any of my thoughts from you (other than those that are meant to surprise you).

That's what makes you so special to me... you're not just any partner out there whom many would just love and let love guide them through their relationship. You're a pal to me; a very sweet one too.

There are just so many instances in this society that require me to speak my mind, and that I chose not to. Yet I'm able to share all of my thoughts... even when they're in bits and pieces, you'd be there to string up all these fragments and present them the way I want it to be said. You understood my intentions in life... you understood my way of life and are willing to grab hold of this feeble hand of mine while guiding me out of my darkness.

Yet... I'm still so silent when I'm with you on those... seemingly short hours.

Did you know? That when I held you in my arms, I felt really peaceful and protected?
Did you know? That there are just some stuff that can never be described with words?
Did you know? That I wished time would just stop for those few hours where we spent together?
Did you know? That I'm not that strong after all?

But of course, I'll remain strong as long as I have you by my side.
I used to be driven by my hatred towards this world,
and all it takes is just ONE you... to show me that this world isn't that cruel after all..
All it takes is just ONE you... to love me as much as I would for you...
All it takes is just ONE you... to prove my existence on this planet...
All it takes is just ONE you... to brave through thick and thin with me (even though I might end up shielding all the 'thicks' for you...).

I don't want to return to whom I was before... especially when I'm no longer walking this road alone. In truth, I've never expected anything from you, since day 1... All I wanted then, was to maintain that ever graceful and charming smile that you had hung on that adorable face of yours.

***

I love her to bits.. haha..
Someone who calls and drags my name with her voice...
Someone who calls me a sillyboy.
Someone who calls me by my alternate identity.
and..
Someone who knows and loves the inner me.