{Why'd you have to be so clueless?.

20081227

12/27/2008 11:38:00 AM

I'm supposed to blog about yesterday, yet it doesn't seem necessary to lay out such a beautiful memory of mine for the world to appraise...

Although, i must admit, I'm currently working on something else... would be hopeful about the results to come.

20081225

12/25/2008 10:04:00 PM

Regardless of whatever that happens, I want you to know that, I'm always there, even if you can't see me. I'm always there, beside you, so that you'll never face your troubles alone.

I'm there, in your heart and mind, i'll always be there for you -- never forget that.

***

And the song... I'll change it.. to this..

because we sang it together... over the phone. Even though i sounded bad... even though i forgot the lyrics... at least, we sang together.. and that's all that matters.

20081224

12/24/2008 10:55:00 PM

Christmas...
To all whom are merry, be merry.
To all whom are down, be merry.
To all who pursue they're dreams, persevere and be merry.
To all who gave up on them, endeavour and be merry...

To all who read or had read my blog, affect you not, my negativity... and be merry.

20081222

12/22/2008 08:05:00 PM

The reason why I'm blogging so frequently is simple... because I haven't had an avenue of speech.. or perhaps my thoughts are just so secretive to be expressed.

Her sadness flows through the chains that bind me to her, I feel it too...

I'm speaking too much, writing too much... and thinking too much.

Wish that life would be simpler... with lesser hurt and grief; with lesser amounts of sadness and 'sulkings'... I could hear her sulking and pouting. Or perhaps.. it was yet again my perception.

Sigh.. I'm sorry.. I feel as if I'm more of a pain than of any help to you...

20081221

12/21/2008 10:21:00 PM

We spoke of my areas of research for my magnum opus, or rather, masterpiece. I told her everything, or rather a summarised form, of the topic.

I guess she was or is worried... about what I'm doing with my life? I told her my intent in the study of these two topics. I told her I study it with an open mind and I do not aim to associate myself with any of it. What I'm doing, is to extract all the beneficial teachings of all these unapproved (by the general public) houses of thought.

If I'd wanted to make her feel for me, I could've just told lies... but it was against my principles. To me, knowledge is power, and power breeds influence, and influence thereby allows magnanimity and benevolence to the general public. I shall not state my dream here, for others might deem me occult or heretic. I'm doing this all for the greater good...

But if she'd request me to give up upon my dreams, I'd gladly just... do so. I'll just have to shift them to something more approved, something more recognized, so that she wouldn't feel that I'm an outcast in the society.

What am I thinking nowadays... what am I thinking? Someone tell me how I should feel... Tell me if I should give up my 2 years of research on alchemy... Tell me if I should give up historic controversies... all for someone I love so deeply... it's worth it, no?

Then again.. there's something else that's disturbing me... it is a part of me that I can never give up upon, and that... I can't give up on her as well. Both of them... be it for that great cause, or for her, both of them are my pillars of life. Without them, I'd not be me... That was what happened back then... I wasn't me, all because I chose one over the other.

Please tell me if I should... and tell me if I'm taking things too seriously (or perhaps I am, just because I don't wish to lose anything now...).

I've written it all down... she'd understand my troubles soon...

12/21/2008 01:12:00 AM

This is regarding 201208..

everything happened so naturally again. Before I knew what I was doing, I had already held her hand, even though I had typed that entry yesterday. I wish to know what I'm doing these days, it's as though we were just meant to be (that's just my opinion... it's unimportant), yet the environment doesn't seem very happy with us being together.

***

Before I left the house today, I sent her a text message via my mobile phone. I told her the location as well as the time of our rendezvous (I'd even told her to be 15 minutes late...). Then I put on my rather earth-toned brown linen shirt that my mom had got me from the Island Shop™ as well as those altered Bossini™ black corduroys -- exactly what I wore on the day when we first met in Ngee Ann City, Kinokuniya™ bookstore. I had actually wanted to create this rather friend-like atmosphere so as to make her feel comfy while I struggle to treat her as a friend and only that.

And we met at PageOne™, I spun around as she picked up her pace in approaching me. I said to her, 'Doesn't this scene look familiar to you?'
She replied, 'yea, probably because you're wearing the same shirt.'
With much haste, she spoke again, 'I'm very hungry, can we go eat first?'
I laughed as we proceeded through the aisle before offering my hand for a handshake whilst saying, 'Hi, my name is...'
She thought I was lame, but still played along with me in the end, at least, it did make her smile.
And at that very moment, I was worried about how she was feeling since the abrupt silence I had given her the night before. I was still concerned about her well-being and her emotions.

We headed for Ajisen™ Ramen, she had her spicy miso ramen (which happened to be a dish that I'd always order just to spice up my life... literally) while I had my refillable cup of hot green tea. After finishing her ramen, I passed her another handwritten message that I had written earlier that day, hoping that it would again, bring a smile to her face.

Then we went to a couple of places in the shopping mall itself, and I refused to tell her what our next destination would be, even if she'd ask me so. I tried to maintain that smile on my face, just to prevent from seeing that I've been struggling within me -- I must treat her as a friend and nothing more...

It was only while we were walking on the first floor that I accidentally blurted my thoughts out of my mouth. I said, 'what actually happened last night? I'm really worried about you and I feel so useless as I can only see you sad and that I can't do anything to aid you..'

With much delibration, she finally confided in me (I shall not state it here as it matters the most to me). Without much thought, as if it were natural, I gave her a comforting pat on her right shoulder. And as she had finally concluded her thoughts, my hand had accidentally found its way to hers yet again.

I thought I was going nuts... At that moment, I wanted so much to hold on to it forever, yet I had another voice in me telling me that I should let go before it's too late. After which, it all came back, those memories we had on the 17th during the ball, it was as though we'd start talking like that day again, as if nothing had happened.

Then I logic got the better of me, and I let go of her hand. And the most foolish and unromantic thing to say came out of my mouth with guilt, 'Sorry, I held.. your hand..'

I shoved my hands back into my pocket, hoping that I'd stop thinking about it. I know I've just disturbed her emotions once more, and that shouldn't have been done according to my principles. I want her to be happy, that's all I wanted.

And before I knew it again, we were walking together, side by side and hand in hand. She told me her hands were cold from the air-conditioning of the shopping complex. I told her that I'd grant her the warmth that she'd needed. WHAT WAS I DOING??? I was totally out of my mind, I knew exactly that I had felt for her, yet I have to hide my feelings behind this mask of obscurity...

We headed over to starbucks (as usual), ordered two Iced Signature Chocolates -- one with whipped cream and one without. Then she told me this very sweet story about M&M's. After which, due to me being overly-considerate for the other customers of starbucks whom were looking for a seat, I asked if she wanted to sit somewhere else.. ARGH how very unromantic of me... My stupidity has been so... stupid.

Well, either way, we went to walk by the quayside. The breeze was lovely; the waves seemed calm and resolute. Cruises and ferries buzzed and floated by their berthing spots; the sun hung low in the sky, signifying an end to the day that had passed by so quickly.

We hardly spoke, plain silence filled the air around us. I asked why she was so quiet, and she replied just to ask me that very question. All of a sudden, I spoke of a profound observation of ripples at sea... and after which, she suddenly showed me the root of her grief and sorrows.

I was appalled, how could anyone mistreat her to such an extent. Yet due to my love for her, my magnimity could not have grown any greater than that of then. I held her in my arms as the day came to a close (and why again, had I done so?), I spoke gently and calmly to her,

'I'm sorry, sorry that I'm too late in protecting you from all this misery. But if you'd ever need me, I'm always here for you and I shall always be.'
'Even if you don't feel for me as I would towards you, I'd still be here, waiting for you, guiding you, and shielfing you from all your sorrows. For I've always been a friend of yours to begin with...'

She turned to look at my eyes, which, had already spoken over a few thousand words with just those emotions that filled my eyes. She replied, 'I know.'

Then I spoke, this time with greater confidence, 'You can depend on me, regardless of whatever that might happen, just remember that I'm always here for you. I love you for whom you are and nothing's gonna change that fact.'

I can't really remember much... I was too confused by myself. My contradiction with my entries and such.. I know that deep down in my heart, I'm alive and that I shouldn't hide the fact that I'm still alive. Why should I bother to trouble myself with self-inflicted sorrow when life is inevitably short? If I'd ever have the chance to love, I should go all out for it; I should go all out to love you as someone who'd stick with me forever and not hold back... That would've been unfair to you -- and altruism of mine that would have caused you greater harm.

I'd rather I gave the best of me to you and end up being the one who's hurt in the end if things don't turn up well. Why should I deprive you of such sweetness in life?

***

We were about to leave for the train station when my mom had bumped into me while I held her hand. She loosened her grip on mine slowly while hiding behind me, hoping not to be noticed. I stood very much like a wall, with pride, and spoke to my mom with great solemness, so as to prevent any unnecessary queries from my mom towards her.

As my mom left us. I reached out for her hand once more as we rushed to the underground train station. This time, I knew exactly what I was doing and I knew I did the right thing. I had just proven to my mother that I really do love this lady, and that I'd be determined to overcome any adversity in future.

Before the gantry to the platforms, she thanked me. We exchanged our hugs and I repeated yet again, that I'd be there for her no matter what.

What that had really touched my heart was her saying that she'd not know how she'd carry on if she hadn't had known someone like me. I was glad that.. I don't know.. I just feel glad... Another knot untied.

***

Although I know very well... that... this does not equate to us being together as of yet.
I love her and I still do, this time, to a greater extent...

12/21/2008 12:00:00 AM

She's bringing me on to this extremely exhilarating roller coaster ride where emotions go up and down and up and down and up and down...

Right now.. I'm feeling extremely happy.. i wonder.. when would be the next moment i'd be so hurt again..

But no matter, for it's her smile that I'm pursuing.

20081220

12/20/2008 08:23:00 AM

no... I shouldn't have written anything at all... I should have just went to bed... without a word, without speaking my mind... I won't speak my mind anymore... because whenever I do so, more grief would ensue...

I've frowned a lot; I've smiled a lot. All for you.

Since you've decided on what you wanted, I shall abide by it.
Let's start all over again alright? Let's be friends (for you're the one who made me believe that friends existed on this planet).

and I hope that you've read all this before meeting me today.

12/20/2008 01:04:00 AM

please be ok... I'm concerned and worried, very.. so please.. please be ok... I can't bear to see you sad..

20081219

12/19/2008 10:44:00 PM

He's too weak to survive on his own.. I should replace him. So that we can both get through this.

I can see his love for her. I can see his fear... of losing her. And before he really does, and before he really dies from loving her... before he starts to make both of us disintegrate from this Earth...

It's time.. It's time for me to step in, to stop his heart from beating, to preserve him.. for her someday.

He has a short lifespan.. and I can't have him to die yet.. If he does, then it'd be pointless for me to go on...

***

It all happened so suddenly.. so abrupt.. so.. very.. helpless of me..

And I laugh at my weakness for believing in love.
And I laugh at my weakness for.. thinking that i was loved.

I'm a novelist, I'm a writer, and an author.

I'm supposed to be able to feel.. What have I become? What have I done to myself?

What have I forced others to do to me?

I no longer speak to myself.. I no longer see myself... again. Why.. why does everyone.. why me?

My head hurts.. and I finally know why. Because I've been hurting myself.. because I never wanted to hurt her. Because... I want to remain as the gentleman who touched her heart that night.

Tonight is the night... the night that many have been awaiting to see...
To see me kill my emotions yet again.. All of you just want to see me as a strong child, all of you.. merely want me to be strong.. I have been, very strong... Why..

Why... does my happiness always comes to an end? Why is it that I always have to deal with self-created false hope... Why are my emotions so selfless towards me as a person?

I want him back. I want my cold and unfeeling corpse back. I want it all back... I'm tired... I've been struggling.. It's time I... rest in peace.

Until you wish to revive me again, I shall remain dead, for the greater good, and at the same time.. to protect you from my altruism.

***

because the both of us... we have and had.. fallen for that same lady. I must.. preserve him.

***

Here's a very short prose in remembrance of him, well it's not as though he's dead or whatnot, he's just cradled away in a safe place for a nice and cosy afternoon nap...

Upon looking at this picture of her and the innocent child smiling so naturally that’s placed on my keyboard, I can only reminisce my cruelty towards that child who wore that white blazer.

I have walked down countless roads of hardship, torture and even that of humiliation. The boy has yet to experience the sin of man at all. I was his role model, his teacher, his idol and most importantly, his respected mentor. I’ve shielded him from the bees of spring, the scorching heat of the summer, the slippery roads of fall and the earthly conditions of winter. I’ve watched over his every action, reaction, initiative and reciprocation. I’ve watched him grow to be whom he should be. I see myself in him. I see a child who was unhurt, unloved, lonely and empty; yet his love for the world is vast, unconditional and undying.

I may be scarred and torn, but this child is a responsibility that I can never set aside. I must fend for him till the very last breath I might draw.

***

‘Pops! Look at that lady! She’s waving at me! Should I wave back at her?’
‘Be wary of those you meet,’ I glanced at her direction just to observe her before allowing giving him the green light.

‘Hello, I’m… Pleased to meet you,’ I spoke, but I wasn’t heard.
The lady smiled at my grandchild.
And without further delay, the boy pierced the air with his high-pitched words.
‘Pops! Jie jie is very nice to me! Can we be friends?’

Friends… I thought to myself, friends… do they actually exist?

‘Go ahead, just don’t get hurt alright?’
The child nodded gleefully and ran off with his newfound friend.

I returned to my humble abode, hoping to take a short break from my rather eventful afternoon. I slept…

***

A few months later, my grandchild came back home with a picture clutched in his hand, and that was the very same picture that I’m staring at now. He seemed extremely joyful in that picture, something that I could never have done for him. I started to regret.

‘Pops, may I fall in love?’ He asked me with much sincerity, and I replied,
‘I don’t know, boy… How much do you know about this lady?’
‘Well, she’s… and… and…’
‘You sound sure,’ I uttered with suspicion, ‘nonetheless, if it makes you happy, then why not?’

The boy let out a cry for joy as he punched the air above him. And he was gone…

***

A few days later, he came back to me, this time, his tears flowed uncontrollably done his cheeks. I was left to gawk at him from my thoughts.

‘What happened, why? Did anyone bully you?’ I enquired with utmost concern, even though I wonder if I knew how felt at that moment.
‘She doesn’t love me… WAHHH!!’
‘It’s ok, dear, it’s alright… I’ll protect you from everyone… from everyone whom might harm you.’
‘How should I feel, Pops??’
‘You should… my dear child, I haven’t had the slightest idea…’ I was puzzled, very much by myself, yet very disturbed by the whole incident.

I could sense the world he had experienced through him, and I know what had caused him such grief. He is only but a child, yet I have failed to protect him from the complexity of this world. In fact, by seeing her being so nice to the boy, I might have also felt for her, sympathized her past, and worried for her future…

‘Let me speak to her,’ with much calmness, I spoke decisively.

***

‘I’m aware of how he feels about you,’ I recited, ‘yet somehow, I feel that he’s not ready to be with you yet. He’s still so pure and distinct and untainted. So very adolescent, the heart of his, for he had only cared for you and not himself.’

‘Yet I fully understand your emotions, and I shall curb his insolence at this very instant. Please do not apologize, for it is very much clear that if things carried on, you might get hurt in the end.’ I paused to catch my breath before continuing.

‘Let me take all the hurt and pain – I’ve been scarred and I’m used to it. Let the boy sleep for now. And that when he’s ready and that you’re ready, I shall revive him for you.’

And I really wonder, if I had done the right thing after all.

***

The boy now sleeps and dreams of the memories he had with her. I watched as time would pass, I yearned to see that smile on his face once more, at least before this frail old body of mine would give way to the forces of nature.

He loves you, and I might have as well.

20081218

12/18/2008 10:15:00 AM

I have decided that I should write this before it's too late. I'd never want to forget anything that I'd experienced with you by my side, and I'd never want to regret anything either. So this is just my piece of that memory; a memory that's so rich and romantic (in a sense); a memory that I'd treasure till the end of time (because it's the first time I had loved so deeply, it took an intellectual form that I cannot define... loving you is such a different experience.)

And you once asked if miracles do happen, I said yes. I may not be your miracle, but you, your existence is the greatest evidence there is or was, that a miracle has happened in my life.

Too many things in life come too late for humans to notice before they take their leave.
Too many times humans have only realized that it's too late for regrets and they have regretted.

It was a night that I had always wanted. I've decided to write in a way that only you would understand. So please, bear with me, it won't hurt anyone. No names shall be revealed during my entry and it shall remain that way, because her name would only deserve to linger within my heart and not in this unfeeling and unemotional blog of mine.

***

I've made quite some preparations for the ball last night. Rushed over the the florist's to grab a bouquet of flowers (just a small one, a confession without one would seem.. so very redundant). And then there was this problem with not being a houseguest in a hotel, hence disallowing me to leave my bouquet with the concierge or the er.. reception. Things that I'd do... all for that one smile.

I arrived at her place to pick her up for the ball. She was exceptionally beautiful that night (she's already attractive without having to doll herself up..). Everything she did seemed to exude this certain elegance.. and while we were making our way to our destination.. I'd really wished that I could muster up sufficient courage to reach out to take her hand... yet at that very moment, the migraine had hit me really bad, and I'm sorry that I couldn't tell you anything about it, all because I never wanted you to be worried about me.

We arrived, things were going as planned, I deposited my bouquet in the changing room upstairs before we took a stroll by the marina. She embraced my arm (right arm), and well, I thought it openly as that of an appropriate behaviour for a date. And I really wondered why my hand had found its way to hers. Somehow, it just did and she didn't prevent that. I had much to say, yet I merely told her that suspense is necessary to spice up our lives (she reminded me that she didn't like thrillers/suspense, I went ok...). Dinner preceded and we went to the ballroom for the necessary activities.

After some appreciation of talents on stage (the accapella, the illusionist's performance as well as the jazz band's performance), there was finally a window where I could ask her out to the marina again. I left her at the pier/berth, went up to collect the bouquet, and came down by the semi-spiral staircase (everything seemed... so drama-ish). I know that my methods seem very old-fashioned and.. ancient, just bear with me alright? She said that it was very unlike me to be so secretive towards her. I just replied that I've always been this way (which is the truth!!)

I hid the bouquet behind my back, even though I knew she had already took a glimpse of whatever that I held. As I walked up towards her, my heart was pounding, yet I took no heed of it. Then I presented this tiny bouquet to her. It merely contained 2 lavender roses as well as some other 'salad dressings' that came with it. And at that very instance, I told her that I liked her and passed her this 2-paged handwritten er.. wouldn't say that it's a poem of some sort.. but.. quite similar to that. It was about my wishes for the both of us, as well as how I truly felt about being with her.

She hugged me, and she whispered to my ear -- she wasn't ready... I replied, 'I can wait for you.'

We stared into each others eyes, and she said something that made me... feel rather hurt about. She said that if I'd wait too, then she'd have too many guys waiting for her..
Nonetheless, I steered back to positivity... because there's no way I can turn back from this love. I know I'm being obstinate or fixed, but that just goes to show my sincerity towards her.
So we walked on, hand in hand to the nearest cemented portion of the berth (I didn't want her heels to get caught between the planks again.. It's sort of like.. everything about her matters now, and that I'd just want to protect and shield her from everything that would harm her..). I sang for her, and I know that I'd not sing for anyone unless they hold an important position in my heart.

The song ended, she was touched by my actions... I felt blue yet happy at the same time. I was lost... I knew that everything... everything would disappear after that night, and I feared it... badly. So much that even if tears would well up in my eyes, I feared that she'd see how hurt I was, how hurt my mind had caused me to be. And as my fingers would tremble while I type this entry... I'd still carry on doing so, I don't wish to forget... I don't wish to die again. I have been so emotionless since then... and it was because of her, that I've been revived... dying is such a painful process.

We continued to hold hands. We took a bus that was catered for. We went to a place where we felt that should be the most 'correct' place to go. And as we made our way to our destination, many thoughts had raced through my mind, and that I must admit that I'm selfish to begin with. At one moment, I'd really wish that she could be with me, and at the next instance, my altruism gets the better of me and allows me to stay alive while I mete out the noble acts... Because love is selfish to begin with, yet love is noble to negate the selfish desires.

We sat at the riverbank for hours, I took of my blazer and placed it over her shoulders as she was feeling rather... cold from the night breeze. She leaned against me as I embraced her in my arms, and we both admired the lights of the city at night. I explained to her about lavender roses and what they actually symbolized -- love at first sight. Yet, in my perspective, I really did love her at first sight, as in.. not just the physical appearance -- she had an inner beauty that was so very magnetic. Her eyes were so beautiful and communicative... it was as though she could see whom I really was on our first meeting (at that point in time when we first met, I was still very analytical and skeptical about certain stuff, due to my extensive research on the human behaviour, I tend to use my brain to understand people rather than use my heart to seek out the emotions.. which was totally.. wrong..)

Then she asked me if I'd do the same for her if she were already attached, I decided to type my answer after this entry (you may read it at the bottom). Then I started to talk about me leaving her so that I won't disturb her emotions if she were attached... And she told me that she'd chain me up and keep me by her side (SIGH, what can I say...)

The breeze was rather.. strong.. I was feeling cold as well, but it didn't matter at all. As long as I have her by my side, I'll always put her as my first priority. It never occurred to me that I'd have to fend for myself... all I knew was her... I held her closer to me so that it would grant her more of my warmth... and I whispered thoughtfully, 'I love you.'

It all happened so naturally. Everything, it was as though we were already a couple to begin with. And everything just ended... this morning... right after I saw that last smile when she had waved me goodbye and goodnight. I knew that it's time for me to rest in peace again, although now I do know... That I really loved her, and that when she's ready to walk this road in life with me, she'd revive me from my grave that's now lacking of the care and concern that I've yearned for.

***

Since then, when we first met, I felt that you were special. And that I've always wanted to give you the best of me, but I held back because I was aware that you'd suffer if I'd ever fall into a relapse. Remember the time when we bickered and I sorta pissed you off with some 16-liner? Actually, I knew I had feelings for you then, it was just that I couldn't bring myself to let you suffer for my sake. Just by the thought of having you to face someone as sickly as me.. I can't have that, hence I decided to drive you away (because I thought it would be better if I could just take all of it for my own.) then I realized that I was wrong and you were badly hurt by that argument... so I tried sending you another 12-liner as an apology... but to no avail. I was really sorry then, even though I had the greater good in mind.

And anyways, if you'd ever forget what my answers were to some of your questions... I shall restate them here.. (If my memory doesn't fail me)

1. If I were attached, would you still do the same for me?
ans: I'd still give you a bouquet of flowers as gratitude for being my date for that night.. otherwise, I believe that I should respect your partner and I should definitely respect you and your emotions, if I loved you, I wouldn't want to put you through such a mess.

***

After our date we had last night... I realized that I'm as healthy as I can be, when I'm with you, because you're the miracle cure that I've found. Or rather, it is all arranged in such a manner that I have to meet you at this... point in life. Just remember me as much as I would remember you. Remember the times that we had spent together, and never forget that I loved you and I still do.

20081216

12/16/2008 12:57:00 AM

Things aren't right for him, yet he should persevere.
Just because, he's the only one who should do so..
Just because, everyone would obstruct his endeavors.
Just because, I absorbed his pain.
Just because, I am willing to carry on this altruism...

Both of us... he and I, are one. We are me, and I am us.
I must... I shall.. endure, and stay alive.
He must... he should.. persevere, and stay happy.

20081208

12/08/2008 02:21:00 PM

i'm not lonely anymore, and i wonder yet again.. if this was merely a dream.

Perhaps it might just be indeed... why the disturbance? Have i died for too long? So much that i've forgotten the feelings that i should possess when there's someone to trust?

Or.. Perhaps it's just another facade, another dose of the ever deadly vaccine to keep my immunity towards humans in check.

MY FOOLISHNESS COULD'VE GOTTEN THE BETTER OF ME

SO VERY ABSTRACT, THE WORLD OF MAN...

12/08/2008 02:07:00 AM

Abstraction

The college seemed deserted with its minute student count that remained to participate in the night study programme in preparation for the upcoming Promotional exams. Isaac was one of the few who decided to utilize this duration in an attempt to clinch the monetary reward for good progress in his academics. He strolled briskly towards his locker with a thick stack of books that he carried with both hands. Isaac was a rather short male to begin with and that the weight of the books had caused him to hunch his back to such an extent – one would almost recognize Isaac as his disabled classmate.

‘29, 10, 24,’ Isaac thought loudly to himself as he unlocked the combination lock on his locker.

The locker was a metal niche that looked very much like those in the columbarium. The only difference was that the hinged locker door had a tinge of chrome and was secured to the niche itself by a PROSPEC™ combination lock.

‘Hey, Isaac!’ A voice had called out to him from behind, ‘having trouble unlocking your locker again?’

His classmate, Julian, had approached with a steady pace from the central stairs and finally reached him before chattering on, ‘now, seriously, looks can be deceiving – these combination locks look really new and lustrous on the outside, yet probably rusty and clink-ish on the inside, don’t you think so? Now about today… …’ Julian went on with his usual ‘naggery’ while Isaac had politely feigned ignorance to his words. He had already tried to unlock his lock for the third time before it sprung open with ease.

‘Thank goodness,’ Isaac muttered under his breath, hoping that his classmate would not hear his words, ‘I could’ve been stranded here with all these “cruel” texts.’

With that, he unloaded his weight within the locker, which was now neatly filled with textbooks and files from the lessons before. Isaac closed the door of his locker gently and replaced the lock. He heaved a long and woeful sigh before treading towards the cafeteria for a short “tea break”. As usual, Julian followed on with his jittering until they sat down on the polished plastic stools that surrounded a similarly coloured table. He then enquired, ‘Isaac, whacha drinking? Are you gonna remain in school for the night study thingy tonight? Well, if you are, take care dude, things aren’t what they seem in the dark…’

A solemn look had taken over the smile upon Julian’s face, he seemed serious with his words, even through his undying light-hearted tone of speech, ‘I’ve heard many supernatural occurrences in this compound during our term here in this college…’

Isaac had no qualms in taking his advice, he had never believed in the existence of ethereal beings. He quickly finished the ice blended mocha before leaving the table to collect his books yet again from the locker. He had decided to start work earlier than usual today.

***

He had worked diligently in an empty classroom before leaving to deposit his books back into the locker. The college appeared to be rather creepy at nightfall. The moon emitted a yellowish glow, thus causing the unlit corridors to be darker than usual on bright moonlit nights.

Isaac walked alone along the lonely corridor. The college had so little students that it seemed almost possible to hear the tinkling of a needle when it would be dropped onto the floor. As he had done so, he could hear his footsteps echo towards the ends of the corridor as well as some other minor disturbances – he hastened his pace; his only wish was to get out of that corridor as soon as possible before his insecurity gets the better of him.

After emerging from the corridor to a now well-lit cafeteria, he dragged his lifeless feet to his locker.

’29, 10, 24, darn, not again!’

The lock had failed to click open once again. With much frustration, he tried to force it open with his fingernails, of which the tissue beneath his pressured nails had started tearing apart, hence bleeding had ensued. Strangely, at the same instance, the lock had clicked itself open magically. Isaac stared at the unusual phenomenon with disbelief as he endured the intense pain that now took over his senses. Dark and red, his blood had dripped from both of his thumbs and index fingers, which landed on the well-dozed cement floor silently.

Without further ado, Isaac rushed himself to the nearest toilet while leaving his locker open. He knew the risk of leaving it unlocked, however, he could not bear the fact that he would have to re-open the lock if it were locked.

‘What troublesome locks! Totally inhumane… well, it’s not human to begin with,’ with a slight grin, he stared at his reflection in the mirror. He looked pretty much like a geek, just that he was not equipped with a pair of spectacles. He had a fringe that hung lifelessly to his nose if left uncombed, not quite an acceptable hairdo in an esteemed college. His college uniform was neatly tucked into his black trousers, with a college badge that was pinned up smartly on his left collar.

Suddenly, the door had swung open violently and hit the wall with a thump. Julian stood at the doorway with his spectacles undone and his shirt tucked out.

‘Oh hello, Julian, you startled me,’ Isaac swerved about just in time to notice his classmate, ‘I thought you weren’t supportive of the night study programme?’

‘I was worried…’

Existence

Julian and I left the college as soon as I dumped my books into that wretched locker. He did not say a word about what he did during the night study programme; he just kept quiet as we walked the stretch of road out to the bus stop together. For the sake of curiosity, I initiated the conversation, ‘hey, Julian, why the sudden silence? You don’t seem very well at the moment…’

Julian let out a controlled sob, tears were present in his eyes, yet he continued to remain silent. He started to increase his pace now, it seemed apparent that he was determined to reach the bus stop as fast as his legs could carry him. I felt a light breeze coming our way as we both picked up speed -- the breeze was a cold one, it was one that could send the chills down one’s spine – without much doubt, the night outside our college was certainly uninviting.

We reached the bus stop within minutes and Julian had already boarded the first bus that arrived. He did not even bother to bid me goodbye – he just left without a word – leaving me to ponder if I had done anything wrong to incur any wrath to our 6-year friendship.

I made my way home on the usual bus service that I took from school. Well, due to my inherent laziness, I had refused to flag for the bus as there was always someone who would take the same bus as I would. Everything seemed wrong that day though, the RFID scanner on the bus did not seem to work at all, regardless of how I had tried to place my RFID tagged student pass on the reader.

‘Well, if the driver did not notice that I haven’t paid for the fee, I could possibly sneak past him and take a free ride home!’ I thought gleefully to myself and made my way to the back of the bus where most of the empty seats were located.

Not long after, I had finally disembarked from the bus, and made my way home – only to realize that the main door was left open and that everyone was asleep already. I checked my watch for the time – 01 33 hrs. Plagued by fatigue, I immediately made a beeline for the shower and prepared for bed.

I slept only to believe that the next day would be a better one.

Abstraction

Isaac had been awoken in the middle of the night by a familiar noise of scribbling in the main toilet. He was still in his state of grogginess; his eyes were still rather sore from all that late night studying at college. He checked his bedside clock for the time – 04 13 hrs. Scrambling for his lamp that sat on his bedside desk, Isaac fumbled and swept several of his ornamental displays onto the wood-tiled floor. He hurriedly turned on his lamp and gawked with disbelief at what he had just seen.

All of his books that stacked upon his table had been removed, the only things that were left upon it were a pathetically dirty pen holder as well as a dusty calendar. He then realized that his mattress no longer donned on the bed sheet that he had slept on. What that had been a navy blue sheet dotted with yellow stars had now been changed to a pistachio green sheet with many cutesy sheep that pranced around the field as depicted.

However, his curiosity towards the scribbling had still bugged him more than the astonishing change that he had witnessed in his room. Isaac tiptoed stealthily towards his bedroom door and twisted its knob as gently as he could so as to prevent and interruption to what he was about to discover.

As he inched his way to the common toilet, of which the light had remained on to ensure that one would still be able to find one’s way to the toilet during the night, he could hear the tap running at full blast. The toilet door appeared to be ajar and hot steam had billowed out into the area around it. Isaac plucked up his courage and pushed the toilet door open.

To his surprise and utter disgust, he saw a woman sitting on the toilet bowl in her pajamas, and that she was scribbling with all her might onto a pad of writing paper with a purple Pilot™ mechanical pencil. Her hair was unkempt with eyes that were lifeless and bloodshot. Tears had ran down her now pale cheeks and dripped onto the writing pad, causing further wear and tear in the soggy script she had held in her arm. The floor was strewn with all of Isaac’s books as well as research materials. The mirror was now completely covered with condensed water vapor from the vaporized hot water that ran from the tap. Just by taking a glimpse at the mirror, Isaac noticed that there were lines of words written by a bloodied fingertip. It read: “IT’S HIM! IT’S HIM! IT’S HIM! …”

On the glass that separated the rest of the toilet from the shower cubicle, 8 numbers were written yet again, in huge font, by the same bloodied finger: “6522 9836”. Isaac was confused; he felt the heat from the steam as he stepped into the toilet to examine the mysterious writings. It was then, when he stared at the bloodied words, that he realized that he could not see his reflection in the foggy mirror that stood before him. All he could make out was his mother, who was now seated on the toilet bowl, scribbling away with a mechanical pencil that was held by the fingers that were stained with blood.

Isaac was stunned by what he had seen. He merely stood rooted to the mat in the toilet, unable to digest whatever he had just recognized. He spun around once again to stare at his physical mom who was frantically flipping through one of his research journals. Just then, something at the corner of his eye had caught his attention. The interactive clock-calendar displayed a foreign date that stated “29-10-2009”.

‘MOMMY! WAKE UP FROM THIS MADNESS! DON’T SCARE ME, WHERE’S DADDY? WHY?’

Isaac called out in vain, no one heard him, and all of a sudden, it all made perfect sense to him.

Existence

I need to recount what happened that day, on the 28th of October, 2007. I decided to stay with my mother, instead of leaving the toilet to think of what happened that night during the night study programme. I closed my eyes, hoping that it would remind me of the events that had taken place when Julian entered the toilet back then.

I was washing my hands to rid off the blood that stained my hands from that cursed lock. Julian came busting into the toilet with a rather punk-ish look. He told me he was worried and started to limp towards my direction. I showed him some concern and asked, ‘what happened to your leg? You look rather shaken…’

He stopped moving and moaned in pain, ‘you, I warned you not to remain here!’

Julian moved closer to my location; I edged backwards towards the white-tiled walls of the toilet and stuttered in reply, ‘W-What are y-you try-ying to do?’

‘I have come to claim your life for being such a smug and arrogant brat! You’ve always been the teachers’ favourite student, everyone’s been so neglected and yet, you have not shown any compassion to any of us, and now you’re asking me if I’m all right? CUT THIS HYPOCRISY OF YOURS!’

I edged further back, hoping to find something for self-defence, and I found it; it was a short wooden pole with a sharpened end in the janitor’s closet. I waved the pole at the attacker, hoping to deter his offense. At the same instance, out of sheer clumsiness, I had accidentally hit the fluorescent lamp case that was half-decapitated, as such, it came collapsing down on me and my lights went out.

***

I opened my eyes and I was back in the common toilet at home. I saw how much my mom loved me. So much that she had wanted to fulfill my lifelong dream to write about my ideals.

I saw the guilt of a classmate who made the mistake of playing a prank on me just because I’ve failed to believe his gossips about the supernatural occurrences at college.

I saw me, in peace, being pronounced brain dead for a eminent blood clot in my brain that had sealed off all of the functions of my nervous system. I had died then, but my body still lies in the cold room of the ICU, waiting to rot away.

But of course, I didn’t recognize those numbers… were they yours?