{Why'd you have to be so clueless?.

20090313

3/13/2009 10:41:00 PM

I thought I was understood back then. Then I finally realised now, that I wasn't understood at all -- by anyone.

Was it because I didn't want to be understood? No...
Was it because I gave up in trying to be understood? Perhaps...

Let me die. I can't figure out how sane I am. I can't figure if I'm still human...
I just want to be understood, is it really that hard?

Misunderstandings constrict my existence.
When can I ever unbind myself?
When will someone start listening to what I have to say?
Why am I always the one to listen?

Perhaps... I've waited too long. It's been so long since I've spoken up for myself. Can I die?
Will you let me die?
Compassion... guilt... dignity... pride. Do all these words mean anything at all?

Mr Happy... he's seated upon my bed. I can see his sadness. When he was taken off the shelf, it wasn't meant to be that way. Why? Why that smile that's so... ill-formed?

Migraines... Illusions... Muffled speeches of inexistent identities... Tell me, when can I be heard?

The ones I hate, I can never bring myself to that low a class to enact my revenge.
The ones I love, I can never speak up the truth that's held within my heart for fear that I may disappoint them.
The ones I trust, I can never find them.

Lost. So tell me, when can I be heard? Even if I were asked to be heard... I'm only an Eminence Grise in everyone's eyes... Something that's redundant to appear, yet important behind the scenes. The pretence that would be seen when I explain myself... would be so hurtful... to me.

When, when can I be heard? If not, when may I be allowed to depart from this world?