{Why'd you have to be so clueless?.

20090124

1/24/2009 10:25:00 PM

I've finally returned to the balanced me... though still reforming my emotional foundations... at least.. I've returned to that... thing that... could feel again. Less logical, more emotional... so different from that extremely logical bugger for that 4 days after we had separated.

The real pain starts now... after re-visiting the places we went together (not that I had wanted to see them again... it just so happened that my family decided to head there for dinner..)

Then again... why am I writing this? I mean, you aren't gonna read this anymore...

Then, then again... I drove you away, and that was my choice. I made you hate me, that was my choice... In the end... hatred would grant you ease in letting go... whereas here I am... still suffering from a love that's so hard to get rid of...

Went to Queensway today (lunar new year = reunion dinners with external families... something, I don't quite like, unless... it's a quiet one.), and passed by that tiny road we walked during our first official date. I could almost hear your voice, reverberating against my eardrums as you would've whispered against my ear. I felt myself giving in to that smile of yours, I think I smiled... even as my heart would ache so badly.

I saw us walking towards that utterly bus stop that's situated just outside a branch of the National Environmental Agency, haha.. and to think back then you thought it were the main branch... (seriously, I thought it was until recalling that the main branch is at botanic gardens).

I saw us, happy together. I saw me, as me.

I fished for my mobile phone that lay silent in my pocket. It was uneventful. Got a whole day of calls and messages from my workplace just because some friend of mine was unsure of the SOP.

*Silence* (visually and verbally)

I stared at the lighted LCD screen which gave off a glow of blue. Nothing... nothing... I must've been dreaming, it's been a week now... nothing...

I'm still blaming myself, for driving you away. If you'd ever read this, don't do anything. don't tag... don't say anything... just say hi to me... on that webbie we first met. We're still friends, aren't we? (I must be dreaming.. Why should I still be hopeful about that?)

Who am I trying to portray at the moment... I'm standing in the middle of two planes... swaying from one to the other... really hope these emotions are merely shortlived... yet... I'm still determined to prolong it. The chapter has ended... for you... Now.

I can't find my ending -- or I had actually tried to create it -- but to no avail. I can't lie to myself... I can't forget you. It's terrible, missing you, it's just so terrible.

I'm cruel... so cruel to myself, why can't I just stop? Really wish to... I'd really do. Yet... I still love you as much...

***

Thinking back... thinking.. haha.. can never stop thinking.. I should stop laughing when my heart ain't laughing no more...