{Why'd you have to be so clueless?.

20081221

12/21/2008 10:21:00 PM

We spoke of my areas of research for my magnum opus, or rather, masterpiece. I told her everything, or rather a summarised form, of the topic.

I guess she was or is worried... about what I'm doing with my life? I told her my intent in the study of these two topics. I told her I study it with an open mind and I do not aim to associate myself with any of it. What I'm doing, is to extract all the beneficial teachings of all these unapproved (by the general public) houses of thought.

If I'd wanted to make her feel for me, I could've just told lies... but it was against my principles. To me, knowledge is power, and power breeds influence, and influence thereby allows magnanimity and benevolence to the general public. I shall not state my dream here, for others might deem me occult or heretic. I'm doing this all for the greater good...

But if she'd request me to give up upon my dreams, I'd gladly just... do so. I'll just have to shift them to something more approved, something more recognized, so that she wouldn't feel that I'm an outcast in the society.

What am I thinking nowadays... what am I thinking? Someone tell me how I should feel... Tell me if I should give up my 2 years of research on alchemy... Tell me if I should give up historic controversies... all for someone I love so deeply... it's worth it, no?

Then again.. there's something else that's disturbing me... it is a part of me that I can never give up upon, and that... I can't give up on her as well. Both of them... be it for that great cause, or for her, both of them are my pillars of life. Without them, I'd not be me... That was what happened back then... I wasn't me, all because I chose one over the other.

Please tell me if I should... and tell me if I'm taking things too seriously (or perhaps I am, just because I don't wish to lose anything now...).

I've written it all down... she'd understand my troubles soon...