This is regarding 201208..
everything happened so naturally again. Before I knew what I was doing, I had already held her hand, even though I had typed that entry yesterday. I wish to know what I'm doing these days, it's as though we were just meant to be (that's just my opinion... it's unimportant), yet the environment doesn't seem very happy with us being together.
***
Before I left the house today, I sent her a text message via my mobile phone. I told her the location as well as the time of our rendezvous (I'd even told her to be 15 minutes late...). Then I put on my rather earth-toned brown linen shirt that my mom had got me from the Island Shop™ as well as those altered Bossini™ black corduroys -- exactly what I wore on the day when we first met in Ngee Ann City, Kinokuniya™ bookstore. I had actually wanted to create this rather friend-like atmosphere so as to make her feel comfy while I struggle to treat her as a friend and only that.
And we met at PageOne™, I spun around as she picked up her pace in approaching me. I said to her, 'Doesn't this scene look familiar to you?'
She replied, 'yea, probably because you're wearing the same shirt.'
With much haste, she spoke again, 'I'm very hungry, can we go eat first?'
I laughed as we proceeded through the aisle before offering my hand for a handshake whilst saying, 'Hi, my name is...'
She thought I was lame, but still played along with me in the end, at least, it did make her smile.
And at that very moment, I was worried about how she was feeling since the abrupt silence I had given her the night before. I was still concerned about her well-being and her emotions.
We headed for Ajisen™ Ramen, she had her spicy miso ramen (which happened to be a dish that I'd always order just to spice up my life... literally) while I had my refillable cup of hot green tea. After finishing her ramen, I passed her another handwritten message that I had written earlier that day, hoping that it would again, bring a smile to her face.
Then we went to a couple of places in the shopping mall itself, and I refused to tell her what our next destination would be, even if she'd ask me so. I tried to maintain that smile on my face, just to prevent from seeing that I've been struggling within me -- I must treat her as a friend and nothing more...
It was only while we were walking on the first floor that I accidentally blurted my thoughts out of my mouth. I said, 'what actually happened last night? I'm really worried about you and I feel so useless as I can only see you sad and that I can't do anything to aid you..'
With much delibration, she finally confided in me (I shall not state it here as it matters the most to me). Without much thought, as if it were natural, I gave her a comforting pat on her right shoulder. And as she had finally concluded her thoughts, my hand had accidentally found its way to hers yet again.
I thought I was going nuts... At that moment, I wanted so much to hold on to it forever, yet I had another voice in me telling me that I should let go before it's too late. After which, it all came back, those memories we had on the 17th during the ball, it was as though we'd start talking like that day again, as if nothing had happened.
Then I logic got the better of me, and I let go of her hand. And the most foolish and unromantic thing to say came out of my mouth with guilt, 'Sorry, I held.. your hand..'
I shoved my hands back into my pocket, hoping that I'd stop thinking about it. I know I've just disturbed her emotions once more, and that shouldn't have been done according to my principles. I want her to be happy, that's all I wanted.
And before I knew it again, we were walking together, side by side and hand in hand. She told me her hands were cold from the air-conditioning of the shopping complex. I told her that I'd grant her the warmth that she'd needed. WHAT WAS I DOING??? I was totally out of my mind, I knew exactly that I had felt for her, yet I have to hide my feelings behind this mask of obscurity...
We headed over to starbucks (as usual), ordered two Iced Signature Chocolates -- one with whipped cream and one without. Then she told me this very sweet story about M&M's. After which, due to me being overly-considerate for the other customers of starbucks whom were looking for a seat, I asked if she wanted to sit somewhere else.. ARGH how very unromantic of me... My stupidity has been so... stupid.
Well, either way, we went to walk by the quayside. The breeze was lovely; the waves seemed calm and resolute. Cruises and ferries buzzed and floated by their berthing spots; the sun hung low in the sky, signifying an end to the day that had passed by so quickly.
We hardly spoke, plain silence filled the air around us. I asked why she was so quiet, and she replied just to ask me that very question. All of a sudden, I spoke of a profound observation of ripples at sea... and after which, she suddenly showed me the root of her grief and sorrows.
I was appalled, how could anyone mistreat her to such an extent. Yet due to my love for her, my magnimity could not have grown any greater than that of then. I held her in my arms as the day came to a close (and why again, had I done so?), I spoke gently and calmly to her,
'I'm sorry, sorry that I'm too late in protecting you from all this misery. But if you'd ever need me, I'm always here for you and I shall always be.'
'Even if you don't feel for me as I would towards you, I'd still be here, waiting for you, guiding you, and shielfing you from all your sorrows. For I've always been a friend of yours to begin with...'
She turned to look at my eyes, which, had already spoken over a few thousand words with just those emotions that filled my eyes. She replied, 'I know.'
Then I spoke, this time with greater confidence, 'You can depend on me, regardless of whatever that might happen, just remember that I'm always here for you. I love you for whom you are and nothing's gonna change that fact.'
I can't really remember much... I was too confused by myself. My contradiction with my entries and such.. I know that deep down in my heart, I'm alive and that I shouldn't hide the fact that I'm still alive. Why should I bother to trouble myself with self-inflicted sorrow when life is inevitably short? If I'd ever have the chance to love, I should go all out for it; I should go all out to love you as someone who'd stick with me forever and not hold back... That would've been unfair to you -- and altruism of mine that would have caused you greater harm.
I'd rather I gave the best of me to you and end up being the one who's hurt in the end if things don't turn up well. Why should I deprive you of such sweetness in life?
***
We were about to leave for the train station when my mom had bumped into me while I held her hand. She loosened her grip on mine slowly while hiding behind me, hoping not to be noticed. I stood very much like a wall, with pride, and spoke to my mom with great solemness, so as to prevent any unnecessary queries from my mom towards her.
As my mom left us. I reached out for her hand once more as we rushed to the underground train station. This time, I knew exactly what I was doing and I knew I did the right thing. I had just proven to my mother that I really do love this lady, and that I'd be determined to overcome any adversity in future.
Before the gantry to the platforms, she thanked me. We exchanged our hugs and I repeated yet again, that I'd be there for her no matter what.
What that had really touched my heart was her saying that she'd not know how she'd carry on if she hadn't had known someone like me. I was glad that.. I don't know.. I just feel glad... Another knot untied.
***
Although I know very well... that... this does not equate to us being together as of yet.
I love her and I still do, this time, to a greater extent...
