I have decided that I should write this before it's too late. I'd never want to forget anything that I'd experienced with you by my side, and I'd never want to regret anything either. So this is just my piece of that memory; a memory that's so rich and romantic (in a sense); a memory that I'd treasure till the end of time (because it's the first time I had loved so deeply, it took an intellectual form that I cannot define... loving you is such a different experience.)
And you once asked if miracles do happen, I said yes. I may not be your miracle, but you, your existence is the greatest evidence there is or was, that a miracle has happened in my life.
Too many things in life come too late for humans to notice before they take their leave.
Too many times humans have only realized that it's too late for regrets and they have regretted.
It was a night that I had always wanted. I've decided to write in a way that only you would understand. So please, bear with me, it won't hurt anyone. No names shall be revealed during my entry and it shall remain that way, because her name would only deserve to linger within my heart and not in this unfeeling and unemotional blog of mine.
***
I've made quite some preparations for the ball last night. Rushed over the the florist's to grab a bouquet of flowers (just a small one, a confession without one would seem.. so very redundant). And then there was this problem with not being a houseguest in a hotel, hence disallowing me to leave my bouquet with the concierge or the er.. reception. Things that I'd do... all for that one smile.
I arrived at her place to pick her up for the ball. She was exceptionally beautiful that night (she's already attractive without having to doll herself up..). Everything she did seemed to exude this certain elegance.. and while we were making our way to our destination.. I'd really wished that I could muster up sufficient courage to reach out to take her hand... yet at that very moment, the migraine had hit me really bad, and I'm sorry that I couldn't tell you anything about it, all because I never wanted you to be worried about me.
We arrived, things were going as planned, I deposited my bouquet in the changing room upstairs before we took a stroll by the marina. She embraced my arm (right arm), and well, I thought it openly as that of an appropriate behaviour for a date. And I really wondered why my hand had found its way to hers. Somehow, it just did and she didn't prevent that. I had much to say, yet I merely told her that suspense is necessary to spice up our lives (she reminded me that she didn't like thrillers/suspense, I went ok...). Dinner preceded and we went to the ballroom for the necessary activities.
After some appreciation of talents on stage (the accapella, the illusionist's performance as well as the jazz band's performance), there was finally a window where I could ask her out to the marina again. I left her at the pier/berth, went up to collect the bouquet, and came down by the semi-spiral staircase (everything seemed... so drama-ish). I know that my methods seem very old-fashioned and.. ancient, just bear with me alright? She said that it was very unlike me to be so secretive towards her. I just replied that I've always been this way (which is the truth!!)
I hid the bouquet behind my back, even though I knew she had already took a glimpse of whatever that I held. As I walked up towards her, my heart was pounding, yet I took no heed of it. Then I presented this tiny bouquet to her. It merely contained 2 lavender roses as well as some other 'salad dressings' that came with it. And at that very instance, I told her that I liked her and passed her this 2-paged handwritten er.. wouldn't say that it's a poem of some sort.. but.. quite similar to that. It was about my wishes for the both of us, as well as how I truly felt about being with her.
She hugged me, and she whispered to my ear -- she wasn't ready... I replied, '
I can wait for you.'
We stared into each others eyes, and she said something that made me... feel rather
hurt about. She said that if I'd wait too, then she'd have too many guys waiting for her..
Nonetheless, I steered back to positivity... because there's no way I can turn back from this love. I know I'm being obstinate or fixed, but that just goes to show my sincerity towards her.
So we walked on, hand in hand to the nearest cemented portion of the berth (I didn't want her heels to get caught between the planks again.. It's sort of like.. everything about her matters now, and that I'd just want to protect and shield her from everything that would harm her..). I sang for her, and I know that I'd not sing for anyone unless they hold an important position in my heart.
The song ended, she was touched by my actions... I felt blue yet happy at the same time. I was lost... I knew that everything... everything would disappear after that night, and I feared it... badly. So much that even if tears would well up in my eyes, I feared that she'd see how hurt I was, how hurt my mind had caused me to be. And as my fingers would tremble while I type this entry... I'd still carry on doing so, I don't wish to forget... I don't wish to die again. I have been so emotionless since then... and it was because of her, that I've been revived... dying is such a painful process.
We continued to hold hands. We took a bus that was catered for. We went to a place where we felt that should be the most 'correct' place to go. And as we made our way to our destination, many thoughts had raced through my mind, and that I must admit that I'm selfish to begin with. At one moment, I'd really wish that she could be with me, and at the next instance, my altruism gets the better of me and allows me to stay alive while I mete out the noble acts... Because love is selfish to begin with, yet love is noble to negate the selfish desires.
We sat at the riverbank for hours, I took of my blazer and placed it over her shoulders as she was feeling rather... cold from the night breeze. She leaned against me as I embraced her in my arms, and we both admired the lights of the city at night. I explained to her about lavender roses and what they actually symbolized -- love at first sight. Yet, in my perspective, I really did love her at first sight, as in.. not just the physical appearance -- she had an inner beauty that was so very magnetic. Her eyes were so beautiful and communicative... it was as though she could see whom I really was on our first meeting (at that point in time when we first met, I was still very analytical and skeptical about certain stuff, due to my extensive research on the human behaviour, I tend to use my brain to understand people rather than use my heart to seek out the emotions.. which was totally.. wrong..)
Then she asked me if I'd do the same for her if she were already attached, I decided to type my answer after this entry (you may read it at the bottom). Then I started to talk about me leaving her so that I won't disturb her emotions if she were attached... And she told me that she'd chain me up and keep me by her side (SIGH, what can I say...)
The breeze was rather.. strong.. I was feeling cold as well, but it didn't matter at all. As long as I have her by my side, I'll always put her as my first priority. It never occurred to me that I'd have to fend for myself... all I knew was her... I held her closer to me so that it would grant her more of my warmth... and I whispered thoughtfully, '
I love you.'
It all happened so naturally. Everything, it was as though we were already a couple to begin with. And everything just ended... this morning... right after I saw that last smile when she had waved me goodbye and goodnight. I knew that it's time for me to rest in peace again, although now I do know... That I really loved her, and that when she's ready to walk this road in life with me, she'd revive me from my grave that's now lacking of the care and concern that I've yearned for.
***
Since then, when we first met, I felt that you were special. And that I've always wanted to give you the best of me, but I held back because I was aware that you'd suffer if I'd ever fall into a relapse. Remember the time when we bickered and I sorta pissed you off with some 16-liner? Actually, I knew I had feelings for you then, it was just that I couldn't bring myself to let you suffer for my sake. Just by the thought of having you to face someone as sickly as me.. I can't have that, hence I decided to drive you away (because I thought it would be better if I could just take all of it for my own.) then I realized that I was wrong and you were badly hurt by that argument... so I tried sending you another 12-liner as an apology... but to no avail. I was really sorry then, even though I had the greater good in mind.
And anyways, if you'd ever forget what my answers were to some of your questions... I shall restate them here.. (If my memory doesn't fail me)
1. If I were attached, would you still do the same for me?
ans: I'd still give you a bouquet of flowers as gratitude for being my date for that night.. otherwise, I believe that I should respect your partner and I should definitely respect you and your emotions, if I loved you, I wouldn't want to put you through such a mess.
***
After our date we had last night... I realized that I'm as healthy as I can be, when I'm with you, because you're the miracle cure that I've found. Or rather, it is all arranged in such a manner that I have to meet you at this... point in life. Just remember me as much as I would remember you. Remember the times that we had spent together, and never forget that
I loved you and I still do.