He's too weak to survive on his own.. I should replace him. So that we can both get through this.
I can see his love for her. I can see his fear... of losing her. And before he really does, and before he really dies from loving her... before he starts to make both of us disintegrate from this Earth...
It's time.. It's time for me to step in, to stop his heart from beating, to preserve him.. for her someday.
He has a short lifespan.. and I can't have him to die yet.. If he does, then it'd be pointless for me to go on...
***
It all happened so suddenly.. so abrupt.. so.. very.. helpless of me..
And I laugh at my weakness for believing in love.
And I laugh at my weakness for.. thinking that i was loved.
I'm a novelist, I'm a writer, and an author.
I'm supposed to be able to feel.. What have I become? What have I done to myself?
What have I forced others to do to me?
I no longer speak to myself.. I no longer see myself... again. Why.. why does everyone.. why me?
My head hurts.. and I finally know why. Because I've been hurting myself.. because I never wanted to hurt her. Because... I want to remain as the gentleman who touched her heart that night.
Tonight is the night... the night that many have been awaiting to see...
To see me kill my emotions yet again.. All of you just want to see me as a strong child, all of you.. merely want me to be strong.. I have been, very strong... Why..
Why... does my happiness always comes to an end? Why is it that I always have to deal with self-created false hope... Why are my emotions so selfless towards me as a person?
I want him back. I want my cold and unfeeling corpse back. I want it all back... I'm tired... I've been struggling.. It's time I... rest in peace.
Until you wish to revive me again, I shall remain dead, for the greater good, and at the same time.. to protect you from my altruism.
***
because the both of us... we have and had.. fallen for that same lady. I must.. preserve him.
***
Here's a very short prose in remembrance of him, well it's not as though he's dead or whatnot, he's just cradled away in a safe place for a nice and cosy afternoon nap...
Upon looking at this picture of her and the innocent child smiling so naturally that’s placed on my keyboard, I can only reminisce my cruelty towards that child who wore that white blazer.
I have walked down countless roads of hardship, torture and even that of humiliation. The boy has yet to experience the sin of man at all. I was his role model, his teacher, his idol and most importantly, his respected mentor. I’ve shielded him from the bees of spring, the scorching heat of the summer, the slippery roads of fall and the earthly conditions of winter. I’ve watched over his every action, reaction, initiative and reciprocation. I’ve watched him grow to be whom he should be. I see myself in him. I see a child who was unhurt, unloved, lonely and empty; yet his love for the world is vast, unconditional and undying.
I may be scarred and torn, but this child is a responsibility that I can never set aside. I must fend for him till the very last breath I might draw.
***
‘Pops! Look at that lady! She’s waving at me! Should I wave back at her?’
‘Be wary of those you meet,’ I glanced at her direction just to observe her before allowing giving him the green light.
‘Hello, I’m… Pleased to meet you,’ I spoke, but I wasn’t heard.
The lady smiled at my grandchild.
And without further delay, the boy pierced the air with his high-pitched words.
‘Pops! Jie jie is very nice to me! Can we be friends?’
Friends… I thought to myself, friends… do they actually exist?
‘Go ahead, just don’t get hurt alright?’
The child nodded gleefully and ran off with his newfound friend.
I returned to my humble abode, hoping to take a short break from my rather eventful afternoon. I slept…
***
A few months later, my grandchild came back home with a picture clutched in his hand, and that was the very same picture that I’m staring at now. He seemed extremely joyful in that picture, something that I could never have done for him. I started to regret.
‘Pops, may I fall in love?’ He asked me with much sincerity, and I replied,
‘I don’t know, boy… How much do you know about this lady?’
‘Well, she’s… and… and…’
‘You sound sure,’ I uttered with suspicion, ‘nonetheless, if it makes you happy, then why not?’
The boy let out a cry for joy as he punched the air above him. And he was gone…
***
A few days later, he came back to me, this time, his tears flowed uncontrollably done his cheeks. I was left to gawk at him from my thoughts.
‘What happened, why? Did anyone bully you?’ I enquired with utmost concern, even though I wonder if I knew how felt at that moment.
‘She doesn’t love me… WAHHH!!’
‘It’s ok, dear, it’s alright… I’ll protect you from everyone… from everyone whom might harm you.’
‘How should I feel, Pops??’
‘You should… my dear child, I haven’t had the slightest idea…’ I was puzzled, very much by myself, yet very disturbed by the whole incident.
I could sense the world he had experienced through him, and I know what had caused him such grief. He is only but a child, yet I have failed to protect him from the complexity of this world. In fact, by seeing her being so nice to the boy, I might have also felt for her, sympathized her past, and worried for her future…
‘Let me speak to her,’ with much calmness, I spoke decisively.
***
‘I’m aware of how he feels about you,’ I recited, ‘yet somehow, I feel that he’s not ready to be with you yet. He’s still so pure and distinct and untainted. So very adolescent, the heart of his, for he had only cared for you and not himself.’
‘Yet I fully understand your emotions, and I shall curb his insolence at this very instant. Please do not apologize, for it is very much clear that if things carried on, you might get hurt in the end.’ I paused to catch my breath before continuing.
‘Let me take all the hurt and pain – I’ve been scarred and I’m used to it. Let the boy sleep for now. And that when he’s ready and that you’re ready, I shall revive him for you.’
And I really wonder, if I had done the right thing after all.
***
The boy now sleeps and dreams of the memories he had with her. I watched as time would pass, I yearned to see that smile on his face once more, at least before this frail old body of mine would give way to the forces of nature.
He loves you, and I might have as well.
