{Why'd you have to be so clueless?.

20080106

1/06/2008 10:51:00 PM

5 more days.. My heart should be in its secondary phase of rebirth. I really hope that it'll reach its final phase before my departure.. I don't wish to shed any tears on that day. I don't wish to feel anything.. My emotions should never have came with me as a package to begin with. It's so hard for me to kill myself over and over again, just to be able to adapt to the environment, as would a frog to a pond. (Right.. my analogy doesn't seem very logical..)

I can't feel much today.. there isn't much grief, neither hatred, nor delight. There's hardly any emotions that remain active.. (and that's quite a relief for me..) I'll miss my family, I'll miss some others whom i trust.

Sigh.. I'm usually rather long-winded when it comes to blogging.. But it all seems so silent now.. so silent that it gets a little noisy for the silence. My mind no longer speaks, my emotions lie stagnant.. I start to feel worried that he might return to be me. But of course, with my family and those i trust around me, i believe that i'll be fine.

As mysterious as i can get, i'm not gonna reveal any of my 'extraordinaries'. Well, life's short.. and i'm always somewhere out there, thinking about how to improve it. Not by the means of technology, but via philosophy. I want an ideal world, of which i'll never be able to achieve even if my life were to be taken away. Nothing.. nevermind, i don't wish to talk about that today..

I'm rather touched however.. today.. As i was feeling rather wistful (thanks for introducing that new vocab to me today.. My English isn't necessarily that good, but fair enough, education is for life and not for papers..), I talked much about how we started to get thus close.

According to my earilier post (really early.. the one on emptiness and nothing..), the fact that the discussion on that statement of philosophy was bound into her memory; the fact that many others would have forgotten on what we'd have chatted upon; I was glad, at least i know i exist.. (It's funny, to think that existence would rule over our emotions.. but that's all just.. my theories, and nothing more.)

It was then that i realised.. i have not sent her my traditional parting gift - that special composition that i sent to everyone before the A's. Not many appreciated it, not many understood it. I was rather disappointed by that. It's alright, life's full of such minor issues.

Acquaintances would remain acquaintances if both parties remain unwilling to step out to each other.
Friends would return to acquaintances if only one party contributes.
Friends will only remain as friends when both parties decide to exist as one.

I hope everyone would be well when i'm away. And i certainlyhope that no one would shed tears for me (c'mon, i ain't dying yet..). Don't feel sad, it's only a matter of time before i'm out again. I'll call those whom i wish to talk to. I'll message those whom i wish to accompany. And finally, for those whom i cherish, you'll never lose your existence in my heart (unless you did something really wrong.. but seriously, how could you after passing all those tests that i've set for you..).. I'll never be lonely with all of you alive within this heart of mine, so do not worry. Please, take care of yourselves when i'm not there to nag at you.

Gosh.. what's with this atmosphere.. i'm only leaving on friday.. LOL.. Sigh.. I'll be meeting you for dinner tomorrow, am i not? Don't be late, unless you've got that valid reason (getting lost in this very erm.. organized environment..). But seriously, i'm joking. take your time and stay safe in your journey to the meeting grounds.

I'm tired.. Shouldn't be blogging till thursday night i guess.. (thus i'm writing in this manner..)

*But of course, i'd blog if i feel like it..*