{Why'd you have to be so clueless?.

20071230

12/30/2007 11:40:00 PM

This is the second time i'm getting this strange feeling. Many thoughts seem to have been filtered off my mind... And now i really wonder, why did i filter them off in the first place? Was it because i finally found whom i am? No.. that shouldn't have been the answer. It's too simple for it to take the place for truth.

Someone who's more passionate (or obsessed) with truth more than anything else.. Someone who's so reliant on truth for his existence.. If truth fails to seek its existence in me.. my efforts to seek it, will seem so.. futile.. then i'd be better off dead.

Something i've sought for ages.. Something I've pined for and waited patiently for its appearance.. My existence is wearing thin.. and i really wonder how much longer i'd be able to last on this flickering light i'd grasp from within me. Perhaps i should stop seeking my truths.. and follow the path of what people want me to tread upon.. (or rather.. the normal path that's imperfect in every aspect as i'd deem it to be..)

But of course, I didn't demean it to be that way. It might even be a less treacherous path for me to tread upon.. and perhaps i'd be happier.. without the need for truth.. without the hunger for truth.. without the need to seek perfection.. (BUT I NEED TO BE PERFECT.. not for you, not for everyone else.. it's just me.. i just want to be PERFECT.. )

Being perfect isn't just all of perfection.. It's important to know how to be perfectly perfect.. in order to obtain the truth that you really need.. nevermind that.. it's only for me to ponder.. and you to wonder..
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Perhaps there are just some people in life who hold the keys that'll unlock your heart.
Perhaps there are just some people in life who would lose the keys after which..
and.. perhaps there are some people in life who'd not be able to find that keyhole again after they lose their set of keys..
And those are the ones whom you'd lose in life (not those who pass on, but those who fail to embrace the quintessence of your existence in their hearts.. It's a terrible thing to know..)

I happy with what i found today.. but i'm sad that i'm happy.. This agony that has surfaced due to remnant hopes and desires accumulated within my memories. I wish that i could just wash away my emotions just like i would do to wash a stain off a white shirt with Sodium Chlorate (V).

I'm me.. i shouldn't be wearing a mask to hide my sorrows.. No matter how much i desire for truth.. I must persevere to be myself, and to remove that mask that i've been adorned with all this time. I shouldn't feel sorrowful anymore.. I should seek truth with sincerity and only then, will they appear like the stars in cloudy skies. Those that would find you instead.. Those that are destined to be by your side. (but seriously.. destiny and all that fate thing.. I can't really say it's true either.. because i've not been able to prove it using scientific means.. It must be perfect as well.. sigh.. another truth to seek i guess..)