{Why'd you have to be so clueless?.

20071208

12/08/2007 10:54:00 PM

Apparently.. i broke my altruistic move.. and.. i think i went a bit too emotional.. this morning, 0003 hrs.. i wrote a bunch of stuff.. (but i didn't say anything bad.. it's all good to the ears.. so no worries) in my tigress' msn window after she went offline. and i can't imagine that i took 1 hour to completely unleash and cool down all my emotions.. I simply.. like her too much, and i just can't bear to lose her..

As a friend, my tigress is a bubbly, adorable and 'mature' lady who knows how to stone pretty well due to her plain laziness.. okok.. wait.. that sounds as if i'm criticising her.. She's unique, in a sense, because i can trust her.. She keeps saying that she's selfish.. but i can't feel it from her. I'm well-known for my pride and i'd be able to detect selfishness or any other dishonourable characteristics that a human would possess straight away. I just can't sense the selfishness that's supposed to emanate from within those words..

They say writers write for 80% viewership, 15% wealth and 5% of personal thoughts. I totally disapprove of that.. i'm a writer myself; i write for my cause and not for others; i write for my feelings and not for others as well; i write what i feel that is right.. i don't care if i'm condemned or whatever, i have the freedom to write what i want.. (or more or less so...)

She has integrated into my everyday life.. it suddenly feels that there is a certain need to be in contact with her daily.. without that, emptiness will start to butt in. Besides, she has already taken such a huge space in my heart and that my life would almost completely revolve around her if she'd accept me (well she accepts me as a person.. but not that way yet..).. and call that gravitation.. (nope.. she's not that massive.. although tigers are known to grow to a greater mass than homosapiens) Ok.. let's cut all that crap.

Every moment that i'd spend ever since i liked her, i'd think about her happiness. All i cared was her happiness, because i'm sure that as long as she's happy, i'll most likely follow suit. Some people might think that i'm altruistic or selfless for doing so.. since i disregard my own happiness for her sake (but i suppose my tigress doesn't want that, cos she isn't that bad), but seriously, the fact is that.. i can't find my own happiness by myself. I can only be happy when the people whom i cherish are happy. They bring me my happiness and in return, i live for their happiness -- that's my purpose in life.

So i wonder.. i wonder about what will be the result of losing my tigress.. the thought of it irks me, and i hate this feeling -- to lose someone you cherish -- it's really painful. Almost every moment now.. i'm worrying.. all because i'm too afraid to lose her. All because i'm afraid to face the emptiness that will come. But i somehow know, she might be happier without me around.. perhaps that's my only consolation for being selfless..

guess i'll just walk away with that consolation prize then.. i know i'm not good enough for my tigress.. it's obvious.. ain't it? i'm too useless.. i can't do anything without her around (erm.. around doesn't need to be physically around.. as in.. you know.. she's around, but she's not around..) I'll end off here..