{Why'd you have to be so clueless?.

20071209

12/09/2007 09:43:00 PM

Another day passes by.. another day of silence.. with me yearning in this worrysome state of mind.. I feel weird.. and i no longer have the right mind to write with depth.. What's going on? This frantic emotional mind is looking very much for a remedy to relieve its pain.. I constantly beseech it to endure.. but somehow, it's looking for better explanations to the current problems.. Explanations that require me to think rationally and weigh more pros and cons for all this madness that is to follow..

I miss her.. how i wished that she would save me from this tragedy that i'm facing now.. And then again, i'm afraid.. I'm so afraid.. it's just so heartbreaking for me if she'd choose to avoid me.. Why am i writing in this tone.. why have i decided to write that down? WHY AM I ASKING THESE BLATANTLY STUPID QUESTIONS??

I'd rather both of us face the problem as it is.. and attack the core of it.. please stop beating around the bushes.. we're both suffering here.. (i chose to believe that you're suffering too.. it's not that i'm being sadistic or whatnot.. it's just.. i'm just so regretful that i've put you through all this trouble...) And the more regretful i get, the more i hate myself.. Not because i'd start to feel for you.. it's because i've caused you so much harm.. That wasn't supposed to be how it should be.. By confessing to you doesn't mean that i should put you through more harm..

It's all my fault.. don't tell me that it isn't.. I'll tell you why. If i had thought of all the side effects before the enactment of the actual plan.. all this wouldn't have happened, i'd be still happily chatting away with you, my tigress, and not like now.. so alone.. thinking and thinking and thinking into nothingness. I'd still be able to give you happiness, in another way.. just that it'll be harder for me to take on my side.. i'm sorry.. i know no matter how many times i apologise, i'd not be able to salvage any situation..

I'll always be here.. to care for you, no matter how long it takes for you to realise.. that i really do feel that much for you. Even if you'd ever leave me someday, i'll always remember that you existed here and now (gosh.. i seem to write as if you're leaving me or somewhat.. *crosses fingers*.. please don't.. unless you're happier that way)

***

"For when you're with me, i've got nothing to fear. Not because you'd protect me from dangers, but because i must be strong enough to protect you from everything that you'd face, so that you'll live a life that's fraught of troubles and worries -- a life that's what you desire.."

--The Djinni--