{Why'd you have to be so clueless?.

20070123

1/23/2007 08:07:00 PM

Been really really busy these few days.. and perhaps also didn't have the mood to visit this place in order to write up a new entry... haha.. one of the reasons being, whenever i blog, i tend to come up with multi-million word essays!! (ok.. i'm exaggerating, haha.. but it's true that i really write extremely wrong entries... and this one will be too...)

Many things happened in my life, i've had my friends, SHORT-TERM friends... LONG-TERM friends have yet to be found, or rather, i might as well deem them as inexistent. No one is worthy of being my long term pal... or perhaps i have set my expectations at such a high level that no one is able to even reach it. I judge people everyday... everyone who passed me, i judged them, not based on their appearance, but based on their behaviour... and perhaps, the thing which no one would ever care to notice... that is their eyes.

Not many would be able to see... the joy, the sorrow, the grief, the hatred as well as the hidden self within another human counterpart. I see... i'm seeing too much of hypocrisy as well as crocodile tears being shedded at the exact moment. I see how elated some were when sobbed... I saw how those hearts were stabbed countless times while they smiled... I wish i could stop judging people... I wish i was unable to sense what they were feeling. I want to lead my life. I don't wish to be burdened by all of those who do not speak with their eyes. I don't wish to be dead.

I tried opening up, but to no avail.. in fact, as soon as i opened up, people found me less mysterious and had took lesser notice of my existence, leaving me weeping in silence. Why should i even open my doors to the world when no one would bother to even step into my doorway? Why is it that many others are able to get visitors? And why am i not getting any? What's the point of even opening the doors? I should just shut them once again. Be what i should always be. Live a life of silence. A life without the colours from the outside world. A life without any sunlight.

I'm seeing too much... I should be contented with what i have... I shouldn't be seeking for improvements. My life should remain as it is... with a happy family and a nice home to return to... i should just be contented with that... I should stop being ambitious, i should stop fighting for what's not meant to be mine... I should live a day at a time. I should not... plan too much. I do not scheme, for i have no reason to harm others. I do not criticise, for others were born for a reason. I should laugh, smile, and live by each day... as if nothing has ever happened. nothing.. at all..

I'll still carry on with life, giving my tuition, taking tests, passing them with flying colours (and i mean it)... I'll still remember those days whence my heart was stabbed... I'd still remember those days whence everything seemed colourful. I'd still remember everything in my life last year... and I SHALL NEVER EVER FORGET THEM!! Now enough of my random rantings...

Humans are ugly... I'm starting to hate them again as i continue to judge their bad habits.. And the worse thing is... i can't pass any judgment on them... cos whatever i pass on them, i'd end up paying a price that's more devastating to me. And with that in mind, i'll start to hate humans even more due to the unfair treatment which i could have avoided if i didn't pass judgment in the first place. It's a cycle of events. Somewhat like falling into a bottomless pit. Somehow... a higher being is able to hear my judgments passed and somehow grants them as soon as i decided on the sacrifice to punish a foe.

I love my family... and i'd pass the worse of all judgement to those who harm them, which might actually cost me some huge sacrifice... sigh.. i don't mind, really. (since i have such a power, i should use it to protect others...) it's weird though, that actually someone is up there to hear my err.. judgments for justice to be served. gosh.. kinda spooks me out.. haha