whatever that was mentioned.. whatever that she asked today at the debrief.. i'm sure she was referring to me... the day when i just didn't want to take her advice... sigh.. but nvm.. it doesn't matter as long as i'm a good tutor or friend.
So.. i'll be leaving for China tomorrow... somewhere.. deep down inside the heart of steel.. there was this wisp that lurked... a wisp of hope; a wisp that seemed existent yet inexistent at the same time. I'm so afraid that the wisp might die due to my excessive use of keigo to conceal my feelings and emotions... and yes, i do sense that its end is drawing near...
Before i leave... i actually intended to imprint a part of my memory on to some people whom i trust... but i guess... perhaps, i'm just getting inexistent in their lives as the time passes by... No one would bother, i'd just be forgotten by them, like a leaf which had turned brown in autumn that is blown off by the breeze... Is that beautiful? I really love to see leaves falling from the trees at times... but come to think of it now... imagine if the tree is a normal human being, and every leaf that falls represents every single person you lost in your life. they can be your friends, your loved ones, etc.
But, even with my exemplification, i can never depict the scene where an individual loses someone inexistent to him or her. The one that's lost may be just someone who seemed familiar to the individual... However, there might be cases whereby... the tree might actually mean the whole world to that leaf... and to be forgotten like that... perhaps, the pain is just so... dreadful...
I'm really sad... i miss my family, i know they'll miss me... what if i took the effort to miss my friends... will they feel it? in actual fact... do they even treat me as a friend? i tried ways and means to make more friends, be it to take in more students... but i guess, my existence is really flickering. i don't seem to feel their warmth anymore... ever since that thing happened, i just can't seem to feel the care and concern from them. Ever since it happened... my firewall turned active, and all my defenses sprung to Defcon 1. i can't blame it.. all i can do is blame myself. Why can't i just walk out of it... yet i can't let her know.. that it's still so painful; that i still fear the places we went; that i'm still unable to let go.
But well, who cares... who cares.. i'm just writing out my feelings, i need a place to express them... i need a place to vent it all out.. and here it is. Sigh.. i'm sure she's happy now, because i no longer bother her and that i assured her that we're just friends. I'm trying my best to be happy... i'm really trying.
Will this continue?
and now... everyone whom i trust is ignoring me (except my family)... do i deserve it? Why?? I really hate all relationships except family relations... i hate them all!! why can't someone show me the brighter side?? why must i see the dimmer side throughout for all these 5 years since secondary school??? WHY??
I mean, here i am, trying to recreate my existence.. and there they are, destroying the smallest details of my particles.. i'm trying to "reboot" my system.. and there they are implanting more viruses.. What the hell is this? IF ALL OF YOU WANT ME TO CONTINUE HATING HUMANS, THEN BE LIKE THAT!! DO THAT TO ME MORE!!
I really don't wish to turn into some evil freak in the future... i don't wish to be cruel... i want to continue with my keigo.. i want to be nice.. but how is it possible is such a cruel environment? Is there anyone who'll really be there for me, other than my family??? I can do the same for all of you, why can't you show me that you're worth it?
Perhaps all of you must have a taste of regret... then you'll cherish those whom are around you. All of you take everything around you for granted.. as though they came from the sky like rain or somewhat... wait till someone close to you leaves this world... then you'll feel regret.. then you'll feel despair... All of you are just too fortunate to understand such logic... Sigh.. pathetic pampered children of the new generation...
