{Why'd you have to be so clueless?.

20061114

11/14/2006 05:53:00 PM

"What that was once yours will never be yours again once it's lost."
"What that was never yours, might be yours someday."
"What that is to be yours, will be yours one day."
"What that is lost and you failed to protect, might return to be yours if you correct yourself."
"What that is lost and it's something that is not under your protection, will never return once it's lost..."
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I heard.. that there are people who grow to be afraid of me after reading what i wrote in this blog... I think i really need some quiet time alone.. no school, not knowing new people, not meeting those whom i know... I think i really need to be like a hermit for a while. I just realised... my mistake, of not following the rules of speaking in keigo. Now i've offended everyone... i need space.. i need to be left alone... but i need to be left alone and at the same time feel that i'm needed by others... That's the only way to recover.

And you know what? Some of you may not know what i had been through... so.. you may not be in the right position to advise me... it's really not that i don't wish to take your advice, but, i'm too.. irrational now. And i'm aware that i had let two of my most trusted people down. One of whom.. i loved deeply, another whom i respected greatly. I must start using keigo again...

I know my mistake, and i'm working on it. But really... to the one whom i respected greatly, it took some great thinking in order to come down to such a hurtful decision. But you know? Since i've said it myself, i shall honour my words.. and perhaps, walk the plank.
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Something else.. in any relationship, there's bound to be a party who gives more and the other who'll give less but accept more. Now, who do you think will be the one who is happier? Let me tell you.. after much analysis.. The one who'll feel the "amplitude" of the entire relationship.. will be the one who gives more. Whereas.. the acceptor.. will only feel ripples of either happiness or sadness... So let me ask you.. which one would you want to be? The donor? or the acceptor?

I've been the donor all along.. and all i got.. were negative amplitudes. I did get positive ones, but they weren't as high in frequency as the negative ones.. think of it.. if you were given a choice.. at the start of life.. which one will you choose to be? I'd rather be the donor... I'd rather feel everything. But.. doing so means not caring about oneself as much as to care for the other party.. then one will get hurt in the process.. The choice is up to each and every individual to decide...

PS: I won't talk about my emotions anymore, it doesn't matter to anyone... and.. i'm sorry, from now on.. i'll just talk to the both of you about work.. because, i really want to maintain our relationship. Accept my humble apologies, for now.. i shall use keigo to speak to both of you and perhaps, everyone else...