{Why'd you have to be so clueless?.

20061114

11/14/2006 12:18:00 AM

Perhaps.. perhaps.. the final move that i'm making.. will cause many to see me as a disappointment... I know my parents will support me all the way..

I can't trust anyone now.. everyone is just so... artificial. Even my students whom i've taken in... perhaps i should just stop teaching, cos i let them both down. What's the point of even teaching them.. when i can't even hold my own head high up? Besides... i can't teach people whom i can't even trust... I don't want to be someone who is trying to prove... because those who try to prove.. are those who aren't willing to prove... I have my pride. And i know, that pride is a sin. But... without pride, one will never have his or her own character... HAHA.. I'm feeling so selfish now...

Is this the cause of my loneliness? Sometimes, i think people are afraid of me... For the rest of the time, they have their own cliques. And.. I'll be left alone. Sigh.. too used to it... Perhaps i'm even immune... For all i know, sometimes... the loneliness i feel... such monotone... such stagnation in life... IT'S DAMNED HELL PAINFUL... and... somehow, i really wished (wishes don't come true...), that i had a true friend.. but all i had.. were... just others who cared about themselves more than others... Perhaps, my kind... has long been extinct. Perhaps..

Actually... i really want to be happy, i want to be happy like everyone else.. but no one.. no one can be trusted outside these 4 walls.. I'm sick and tired of everything... No one.. no one can be my external pillar. I feel like falling.. i feel lost... I can sacrifice all my successes in life so far.. in exchange for happiness... Why... Why can't i be happy??????????

Do i.. must i? must i try to salvage something that's.. already.. lost? In the end.. when i depart for some distant land.. perhaps.. i won't be missed by those outside these walls...