{Why'd you have to be so clueless?.

20061105

11/05/2006 08:01:00 PM

i was thinking non-stop.. and.. i finally realised why i'm feeling so depressed...

I've been constantly looking at my surroundings... I have everything... from clothes to mp3 player to a nice lappy... I'm such a lucky person.. but i still feel that i'm lacking something... And yeh know what? Look at all the stuff that i had mentioned above... They can be bought off from a shelf at the stores. Money can be earned. Living in a poor family might seem hard to keep one contented, but.. the family is strongly bonded to one another. I'm not sure about mine.. I don't feel... as if.. i dunno..

Many strangers think that material needs is definitely a must in their lives. They need entertainment, they need to be "in", they need TV, they need everything that money can buy... I don't have everything, but i'm starting to feel that a part of me is totally off tune. I need love. I think i really need people to love me. I don't know how to put it across to others... and.. I'm so lonely, sometimes i really wished that i could cry it out... but.. a guy crying over such a small thing is so disgraceful.. i feel that i'm not being loved...

I guess i'm not like other guys... most of them are either obsessed with online gaming and such, or sports and blahs... I tell you, i had enough of them. I had enough of everything. My life is too perfect. So perfect that i can't even find the love that i require. I'm sad... I miss her. I miss her smile, I miss her talking to me. But i really don't know.. I don't know how to treat anyone the right way.. Here i am, in front of my lappy, crying for help.

I want attention.. I've been neglected for too long.. My previous post is something that i want to achieve... so that i will never feel lonely. But you see, i've yet to achieve it... thus i'm feeling this way now. I'm really in the middle of nowwhere... Not attached to council, not bonded with the class... drifting away from what i should be... and i can't blame anyone... except myself..

I thought i accepted the cruel truth.. but i guess i'm still stuck there. I tried to be strong... I TRIED!! but... I need a direction.. I need help.. I need attention, i need the care and concern.. i need to feel wanted by others... if not.. i'm just another piece of rubbish that had been dropped by someone on purpose.

I tried my best to do stuff that would occupy me... reading up on relativity, governing dynamics, nash equilibria, euclidean geometry, Art of war, etc.. anything.. even martial arts teach-yourself books... i tried shopping.. but ended up walking around in circles... i tried to concentrate on playing maple... but really, it doesn't interest me. I tried to watch anime on youtube... and it bores me...

All i can think of now... is her. and i'm totally lost ever since that day... I want to be the best of the best... but there's no one there to support me. I'm like a knight charging into the battlefield alone against 10000 enemy soldiers... And all that i was equipped with.. a pen and an organiser. No, it's not Death Note.

Please... somebody help me... I'm on the verge of my own motivation to carry on... Please... help me... I don't wanna go crazy again... I don't want to feel empty... I don't want!!! WAHHH!!! I really want someone to be able to get through that door... and i only need that someone. All i need is that and nothing more... My family has the security code to the backdoor... so they won't be able to use the key... but they haven't been visiting me...

this is something that one person can never achieve. It's something that requires 2 hands to clap. My hand is already there for you to complete the clap, it's up to you... I'm waiting.. for someone to brighten up my life.