{Why'd you have to be so clueless?.

20061116

11/16/2006 08:09:00 PM

Finally.. finally feel as though there is a huge gap between us.. that's why, that's why i wanted to say this before i leave for China... just in case anything happens and i won't even have the chance to say it...

"Let's just be friends, i know it took a long time before i can say this... but, i guess i finally thought it through... perhaps... until we're really ready for one another, we should just stay as what we are now.. just as friends."

I'm really in great doubt about whether she even reads this blog nowadays... but it.. doesn't really matter anymore, i dun wish to trouble her anymore with my feelings. Take care (if you're reading this..).. and.. i really hope that we returned to normal... and.. well, if all goes well, i'd still... be waiting.
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I remember once... my mom told me when i was quite young... (i wouldn't have remembered unless it was really a deep memory that was imprinted into my mind..). She said she went to somewhere to try out her luck with a fortune teller... and well, the fortune teller told her... that i was born under some dumb star that will bring about much disruption (or rather a comet that goes crashing everywhere). And now? I think it's really surfacing on to reality...

So.. the more friends i make.. the more people i hurt... i'm tired.. i'm tired of all this, i mean, it's not that i'm superstitious.. but.. there's always evidence in whatever which happened that even the greatest of all "brainwashers" could never erase... So now.. perhaps i've just added one more piece of evidence?

Seen a lot of shattered souls walking around in this year.. i can't help them... because.. i'm one of them. And even if i could, the best i could do was only to help them relight that flame in their heart.. so that they still managed to exist in this world. how's mine doing? can't you all see it? or maybe all of you aren't even giving a damned about my existence..

i've thought it through.. i've learnt that i have to be happy... and i'll strive for it. But... there are many restrictions around.. and.. keigo must be used here and there... Just FYI.. keigo sometimes seems like a mental suicide. Doing it too much will cause great disruption to the mind, but nonetheless, it's only necessary to shield that already shattered soul away from others.. thus.. perhaps.. this act must carry on... until i think i'm ready. until i think i'm fine..

Some of you might think why am i writing all this... some of you might think it's just a story that was whipped up by me. It's up to you to decide... but i can promise that it's credible.