{Why'd you have to be so clueless?.

20061027

10/27/2006 08:21:00 AM

woke up in cold sweat today... had a really frightening nightmare... imagine dying when an air bubble was accidentally injected into your bloodstream.. the feeling was sudden.. the pain.. the pain i felt was so real.. that it woke me up. I hardly have any dreams... i mean, maybe i had, but i can hardly remember. I dun wanna die now.. even though i'm not too happy.

We both want each other to be happy. but.. is there effort made? I'm trying my best.. to keep her happy, but is it enough? I mean.. when i woke up.. many thoughts rushed into my head.. it's like.. automatically reverting my memory to the state it was before it happened. everyday.. the same thing happens. I'll be reminded... She said we won't be strangers.. but the feeling is immense... if no effort is made to improve the situation.. or rather, if it's more or less one sided.. it may fall apart. Although i'd do my best to keep the "already shattered glass" in it's current state, preventing the shards from scattering... Even if those shards cut me in the process.. yea, i'll go on, protecting it from wind or rain or whatever which might destroy it.

Understanding.. there's absolutely no referee in the battle inside me. although i already know which side would win.. haha, but well, no one cares what happens inside this shell of mine. I'm so lonely, i admit... but i'm already used to it.. due to the long years of neglection.. till i can hardly feel for friends. I'm sorry, it's just.. i can't do it anymore... those feelings and emotions for friends have already been slaughtered by those crooks... there's no medium for me to revive them anymore..

And yes, I believe I didn't make the wrong decision... considering that all i see in her is really what i want. Need? perhaps.. i need a source of motivation to carry on. yea.. she's that source. but now.. all that i can draw from her is despair.. i can't go on like that.. is there hope? Please.. somebody save me from this misery... i dun wish to be cruel again..

Sigh.. the things i do for love... Just too bad for me.. I'm only human, what can i say?
Hook pinkie? so as to promise not to become strangers? I won't lose faith in you, so i'll hook that pinkie with you. I won't lose hope in that day.. even if it might not come.

I'll be waiting.