{Why'd you have to be so clueless?.

20061031

10/31/2006 12:57:00 PM

Somebody please help me.. i don't want to be misunderstood... I want to stop offending others... I'm trying so hard to be someone who is stronger, but what's happening? Is he really what i want to be? Is revenge really what i want? Was he really that powerful in the past such that i want his personality back? If so... How did he die back then? if he was successful... how was he sealed? What sealed him back then? I need to recall, i need to seal him now. But what will happen if i seal him? what will happen to me? I have no fixed personality.. I'm mutable, ever changeable... SIGH.. I hate myself...

And he asks me, "Why blame yourself? they are the one's who caused such misery to you..." He's right to a certain extent. but... i can't... There was once.. i told my mom, I could well be the next Hitler... I'm afraid... If my hunger for revenge gets the better of me... I can really do cruel things to others. not physically, but mentally and emotionally.

I once said something which allowed my mom to ponder over some time...

"There are many geniuses in this world... but how many actually put their intelligence into good use? even if it were put into good use... are they appreciated? But what if they used it to cause suffering? They gain respect! They get all the fame they can get! How many people actually realise this cruel truth... every year, there are countless geniuses in this world who wished to show that they were unique. Every year, all these geniuses were either driven crazy by the people around them, or that they started to live in seclusion, away from the wretched human race. That in turn leaves the society with lesser geniuses to work with... which results in a loss of manpower here and there. Now, successful geniuses are actually those who hold lowly corporate jobs. How many of them actually wanted to play extroversion and interact with other humans? And why would they even do so? Life is such a tiring journey for these people... Such that some even caused great destruction to the world. The hatred they bore towards humans... the despair they had in them. All this led to the rise of mad scientists, dictators, or even cult leaders. No one appreciated them. No one wanted to talk to these freaks... I'm one of them, I'm not saying that i'm a genius.. but.. everyone... i'm starting to see how ugly humans can get over trivial matters... I could well be the next Hitler."

Then my mom said... you're who you are, and no matter what... I'll always be rooting for you. But if you really want to become the next Hitler... I'll just have to stop you myself.

you know.. the many years of exposure to these humans.. i'm really tired of them. They all seem to have the same characteristics... They have all sinned. And whatever the case.. they'll be punished someday. It's only equivalent trade...

this was what that made him so strong... his unfeeling personality... the only way to seal him is love... if only i can see the happiness that emanates from humans again... perhaps.. that's the only chance of sealing such evil. He'll surface as long as i'm lost. but i don't like him, even though he saved me countless times... I'm not him, he was me. Sigh... i'm the cause for all that misery...