{Why'd you have to be so clueless?.

20061027

10/27/2006 12:37:00 PM

A short afternoon post... I was reading the message history just now... my conversation with her last night. I can't seem to feel the warmth from her anymore... those words that she said.. it didn't seem to come with feelings... Am i too sensitive? Am i thinking too much? But.. i'm really.. i can't.. Things aren't the same... WHY? I'm lost... not in thoughts, but literally lost.. in decision making, in doing absolutely anything at all.. Where did our strong (is that even the right word to describe?) bond dissociate to?

Am i being too demanding? I thought.. i thought.. and i thought for very long before even telling her that i like her... why must this happen? Was it really a mistake that i'd done in the past? what did i do wrong? did i deserve something like that? or.. were my tests not foolproof enough? she was the perfect candidate... She understood what i mean in every word i say, she could read my mind...

The more i thought of her, the more i loved her... are we really not fated to be together? is effort = (-coincidence) now? What's going on with my life? I'd rather exchange the good results for a happier life!! I don't want such material stuff... Why? Why must this happen to me? I'm just so going to fall soon.. and.. i'm unsure of how to pick myself up without her... Am i dependent on her? I am, but only to a certain extent. I depend on her for happiness, for trust, for companionship. that's all. What more can i ask for? from a person so perfect in my eyes? Am i blinded you might ask? I'm certainly sane enough to say that i'm not since i can evaluate what i need and what i do not need.

I'm like being thrown into some bottomless pit... Light seems so far away from me... I'm still falling with depth in the pit... will she ever throw that rope down to pull me up? or am i supposed to miraculously float up by myself... the thing is... miracles don't exist (if they said humans create miracles, then it's not even a miracle!!). Will i just be left alone to deal with my problem? hahaha... i'm such a pessimist.. but i can't help it. Well.. she can jolly well not come and save me... as long as she's happy, i don't mind if i continue to fall further... As long as she's safe, i can set my mind at rest... Even though it's so painful... to face it alone... even if i didn't have anyone by my side... as long as her smile is natural, as long as she is satisfied with her life now... it doesn't matter how i am at all...

I didn't love the wrong person... my intuition tells me so... i'll pull through this ordeal. Perhaps she's already waiting at the other end of it.. for me... perhaps... but i fear the truth... will she be there? I'm just so lost... LOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOSTLOST
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