{Why'd you have to be so clueless?.

20061024

10/24/2006 06:29:00 PM

I dunno what to say... i know she'll read this.. or perhaps she might not even care. As long as she's happy, i dun care how i feel or what i feel.. I really do like her... but seriously.. i really can't help blaming myself... It's my fault. I mean.. i really... that's right.. i really feel inferior. What was once a beautiful memory.. has turned into a lie that is used to keep me going on in life... I'm lying to myself so as to carry on.. I was stabbed today, by some sharp and long dagger that went through my heart.. i had to do something.. i had to end the pain.. Thus, i plugged that dagger outta my chest... It was sharp.. my hands.. were just so stained... I hurt her i guess.. but really.. i didn't wish to.. all that i'd said.. i'm really sorry... IT'S MY FAULT.. and i don't expect her to forgive me. I'd rather harm myself than to harm her; she's just that precious to me..

Thus.. I'm here, lying to myself now. I may not feel good, but at least, i know i've sent those feelings to a state of hibernation. I'll wait for her. No matter how long... No matter how far that future might seem. I'll wait patiently. I do certainly hope that she keeps her promise. Yes, I do love her. I'd do anything, even if i dun get anything in return, as long as she keeps her smile... I'll stay alive...

This pillar is about to collapse soon.. I'm trying to prevent it from falling. I really need this pillar to give me hope, to support me in my endeavours... Erosion is causing its downfall... and here i am.. fighting sadness with sadness... trying my best to maintain/ quench this final reaction. She couldn't bear to hurt me, yet i was stabbed today.. I made her stab me... as i didn't want her to struggle. And in order to stop her from struggling further.. i pulled out that dagger myself. All i wanted was to see her happy... does she even understand?

I was really sad.. but really, I wish that we will be together someday.. She could read my mind, but.. yet.. perhaps i did read her mind.. but she just didn't want to reveal it anymore.. I was even more hurt when that happened.. She didn't want to have eye contact with me.. What else could i do?

Words.. my only asset in life. Perhaps i should wear a mask.. so that i can be someone else.. as long as i dun hurt her, i won't have to blame myself... So.. i guess i'll just have to... think that we are still together.. This might be painful.. but well.. she's worth it, and i mean it. I won't regret.. I won't, and i vow not to. Even if i might cry because of her someday.. at least.. i knew.. that there was someone on this world who could understand me better than me understanding myself... I'm so sorry.. but i can't help it.. but to write it all here...

She'll tell me someday.. would she? Well.. she promised... and for that... for that day... Thou shall wait. for her, thou shall try my best to take care of myself... until the time when she will be able to stand by me... She'd better not get hurt anymore.. or i'll keep blaming myself.. no one shall harm her... for i'll be protecting her, taking all the damage that would be done to her.