{Why'd you have to be so clueless?.

20061030

10/30/2006 03:40:00 PM

great.. i promoted.. but with an underlined "S" for GP... DEPRESSED!!! but overall got AAB.. dumb maths got "B".. sad.. And today.. yea, i guess... haha.. i can't believe that hungry her never finish up all those cookies!! haha.. So happy.. er.. but well.. yea.. she no longer joked around with me and said that it was all of the gals' effort... if it were in the past, she wouldn't have said that. Perhaps i was too observant... too detailed. But nonetheless... I guess she doesn't want me anymore, other than me being her tutor, her friend (and just her friend)... You know.. somehow, i always felt that i am always being made the second choice for others to choose... never was i the first choice. That's why i don't feel any warmth from anyone... since when was i the first priority in all the hearts of all those strangers, or rather friends? How can i even put them at a higher priority when i don't even get it back? I've learnt my lesson... I dun wanna get hurt again. i'm not desperate.

The relationships encountered in life... they are just like the different stock listings that people invest in the stock market. Somehow... all of those in which i'd invested in... they all seem to fall after awhile... making me feel at a loss. So.. what's the best way to solve the probbo? Don't even invest! Dun even put a stranger on the highest priority. Dun even depend on others, dun beg them for help. but instead, let them go on their knees and beg you for it. I love to see those pathetic faces... crying for help... haha... i can't seem to feel for humans anymore... that was the last straw... i tried to feel, i tried to grow my emotions, but well, they dried up and died due to the lack of water (effort from others). Who gives a damned about them anyway... sometimes i really wonder...

The scene still replays itself, i'll never forget. But a voice in my head keeps telling me to forgive humans for their immaturity, their naiveness (if there was such a word). Love stinks, i tell you, even my dog's poop smells better than it... I've given up hope in humans... but yet, I'm still... waiting for her? haha.. dare not have high hopes though... she's all but just... another human being, just like everyone else. If only everyone was pure... if only everyone wasn't tainted... This world would've been so perfect. Someone used to say.. the world isn't perfect, that's why it's beautiful... So just how beautiful is beautiful? I don't see it... I don't see any even a trace of it... She doesn't care about me anymore, everything will really just end here... for her... whereas i'm still in my dream... with that imaginary her, enjoying that sunset. I don't know how to love myself. Here i am.. still stabbing my heart continuously with that same dagger she used.

I would wait for her, becos she left me a memory that cannot be erased. but.. will she ever remember? that there was ever someone so devoted? so selfless? I doubt so... and i'll just be forgotten like that. those days.. just forgotten like that... Even if she came back to me (the second choice) one day... will she be able to prove herself, in which she didn't before? Will she let me see the better side of humans again? I'm a human too... and now i feel that it's a disgrace to be one... perhaps.. will she? Will she hurt me again if she came back? But i'm still waiting... waiting aimlessly... with a glint of hope.

This cookie... haha.. of hope? nah.. it's just a cookie... effort, yes there is, i see it in the cookie... but not the effort put in by people to care about my stuff. If humans ever know how to at the very least care about my life... i guess i'd been a happier person. but now... i've given up all the hope in them.. that i dun even wish they cared. perhaps only if she wanted to care... before that, i'll not open up to others so easily. getting hurt by one person is enough.