better post before i forget again.. Recently, i came up with another formula...Fate = effort + coincidenceIf that's really true (it may not be, cos it's just my theory, something i derived from my brain with a logical explanation but without any evidence), then.. what am i going through now? Is there an input of effort? I'd say no, i didn't do anything, i didn't input any effort. the system's efficiency seems to be more than 100%, since output is more than input!!
thus, if effort = 0, then fate = coincidence rite? unless the other party is putting a lot of effort to maintain the so-called fate... but.. is that really so? i mean, is the other party really putting in effort? to maintain this friendship? nono... this has got nothing to do with any heterolytic cleavage or homolytic cleavage... it's something good, it's just that i was JUST wondering, whether she is putting any effort at all... if she isn't, and i'm not putting in effort either, then perhaps it's fated that we clique? OMG... research, theories and formulae really drive me crazy.. haha.. dunno how i'm feeling now, i dun feel so ill when i talk to her, but i feel extremely displaced when i'm alone. Is this the power of the mind? Is that willpower? or is that motivation? I'm baffled...
i won't say much.. i'm just so troubled by my emotions that i dunno how to put things in words... i'm confused with what i want to do with my life. I'm lost, but hey, at least i'm happy. haha, never did i find such a true friend before..
Ok.. this might be an extremely long post, so just bear with me if you wanna read on.. here goes..
I still remember after the 1st 3 months, which is right after JAE, 06s16 and 06s17 merged as one (sounds like the merger of singapore and malaysia.. whatever). I became the Chemistry Rep, and somehow.. had to collect files and whatever... then that day, she was one of the last few to hand in the files. i went over to her to request the submission of the file POLITELY, she yelled at me for no reason... and for that, i didn't want to talk to her.. cos i kinda thought she had an attitude prob.. haha.. didn't really like her then.
But as time passed... as usual, i love to do research and such.. observing people's behaviours is my forte, and predicting what they would do next is my hobby, haha.. how eccentric can i get.. yep.. so after much observation, i won't tell you how i found her to be, yeh just have to know that i trust her a lot now, and yeah.. i sorta became her chem tutor just 2 days ago.. Come to think of it now.. really, don't judge a book by it's cover; the shell is just a shell, peer deeper into it, and one will find the truth fulfilling.
well.. at this juncture, perhaps the word JUST might be a little too strong to use, but i'll still use it anyways. It might seem that i kinda like her, and yes, i do kinda like her character, i boldly admit it. but seriously, i'm JUST her friend and her chemistry tutor (if i promote to J2). remember, i'm JUST that, and nothing else. although.. yea, i still wish to be appreciated and somewhat, but really, having relationships now.. might be such a great idea, but i'm afraid it might end with a sad ending when we all leave college... i mean, how much can the modern human beings bond with each other nowadays with all this technology... everything seems so superficial, no one seems to be showing their true selves. I'm sure that anyone who reads all this might think it's all crap.. but no.. it's not the case.
sigh.. there are some things that the willpower of an individual cannot achieve.. and those are stuff of which that require 2 hands to clap... i'm used to doing things alone and succeeding alone, but now, if i'm asked to maintain a relationship, i really need someone to teach me how... i mean.. really... besides that, oh well, i'm really unsure of what i want to do. i hate these emotions... I HATE THEM.. unless they can be reciprocated, i might JUST let them die off and be emotionless again, cos i really dun wish to let anyone hurt me anymore. Why do i keep causing myself to fall when it's soooooo hard to stand up straight and walk forward again? I don't learn anything new, all i learnt was to be more careful, and too set higher expectations in whoever i might meet and accept...
So now, have i accepted her? YES, i won't tutor anyone unless that person holds a special place in my heart, but really, i must remind myself, I'M JUST HER FRIEND...
She might read all this somehow, but whatever, i'm bold enough to write it here, i'll be bold enough to face it in reality. i hope she doesn't misunderstand.. this blog serves as my memory, just in case my STM gets too serious, i have to remember what i felt... as my life will once again return to that monotonous grayscale...
