{Why'd you have to be so clueless?.

20091125

11/25/2009 05:46:00 PM

So, I'm back... and I've lost my gift of words since then. Many new beginnings have taken the places of those who resent their positions - change is the only constant.

20090811

8/11/2009 10:12:00 PM

I sang this to the sky last night...

伯樂 - 林宥嘉

爱你的那一个想你的那一个
谁才是你爱情中的伯乐
放弃了这一个然后等待著下一个
最后哪一个让你最舍不得

感谢不能让别人来说
你给过我的　她们是做不到的
那时候的幸福是真的　虽然过去了
我们也都经历了

释怀教育著仇恨　和平劝著天下人
故事发生便住下了　不管好的坏的
你让我成长了　就算是痛得值得

爱你的那一个　想你的那一个
谁才是你爱情中的伯乐
放弃了这一个　然后等待著下一个
一个个过客过得快不快乐

爱你的那一个　想你的那一个
谁才是你爱情中的伯乐
放弃了这一个　然后等待著下一个
别太多过客祝你早日快乐
离开时别忘了　看看眼前的人
流泪记住了　还是微笑祝福著

I hope someone somewhere would hear me. So I sang it again, hoping that she wouldn't return... I believe that everything that happens, happens for a reason. I had chosen my path, and that I should have already expected all to have ended in this manner. I've granted the ones whom I loved and perhaps still do... the happiness and freedom to decide, yet I was left without an escape route from the self-afflicted disaster scenes. I hoped for a better life for them, a better future and a better piece of mind. In return for my wish, I had chosen this crummy flower named 'wilted joy'. It's beautiful in its existence; more of a figment of memory that had actually retained its beauty.

I have sought ways and means to understand happiness and its source after your departure; a flower that looked so dead yet alive. I sensed its sadness and its will to survive, hence deciding to nurse it back to health. I planted it in a tiny ceramic pot and placed it against the aclove where rays of sunlight could shine upon it. Hours passed, days flew by... the wilted joy never showed signs of life at all. I grew weary... totally drained from the stuffiness of my world - I wondered why.

The nights seemed really long. I stared into the starry night sky, only to be accompanied by rainclouds. Granted, a few pills should do the job; so I slept.

The nights seemed really long. I stared at the wilted flower, only to recall the past that no longer existed. Granted, a few pills should do the job; so I slept.

The nights seemed really long. I closed my eyes to rest, only to see her smiling sweetly at me again. Granted... a few more pills should do the job; I slept on.

The nights seemed really long. I hugged my pillow and felt how chilly I've become, only to miss that warmth and security I once had. Granted, I need those pills; I slumbered.

The nights seemed really long. I had already taken my pills tonight, only to realise that all those memories worsened my condition. Granted, more pills please; I fainted on my table.

The nights seemed terribly long. I stayed up all night staring at the screen, only to find that she has yet to unblock me. Granted, I shouldn't overdose myself... more pills went down my throat. I couldn't sleep.

The nights became horrific. I took pills and slept with ease, only to awake from her departure and my tears. Granted, I daren't sleep any longer.

The nights never improved. I ran in my sleep, only to realise that there was no escape. Granted, I stayed awake.

The nights were nights no longer. I never slept in my sleep, always running, always trying to get out of your grasp that seemed to restrain me so deeply, only to return to see you in despair... I stopped running.

My head's spinning from your delusion. I never faltered, and I never shall. For my love for you has never failed, just as I would never give up upon my life. I am the 'wilted joy'. I was planted for you; I gave you a chance to renew your life of joy and passion; I never complained.

But do not falter, for I must apologise for all that you've read. You must go now - go past the fields of green that aren't tainted with blight. Leave me here, I'll survive on rotting earth, so set your mind at ease. Do not let my efforts go to waste. Never turn back.

It's time for me to run again - to run away from you. Goodnight.

20090716

7/16/2009 09:48:00 PM

Another interesting concept that I devised just about a day ago.

I spoke to a friend, someone whom I would crazily, devotedly, and undoubtedly fall for. Yes, she's one of my closest friends (not that I have many close friends though); someone whom I might have mistaken for a partner/soulmate, or that I might have been idiotic enough to address her so intimately in our daily speech (so much that she might have chosen to avoid me).

So here I am, writing this entry while I see her online, unable to speak to her.
So here I am, being a melancholic loser, staring at the screen and longing for that bit of attention.

I'm such a fool.

Before all of this had taken place, I voiced my complaints in a figurative manner.

"If you were to purchase a vehicle from a gallery, it would require much consideration in terms of cost, value, performance, etc, etc etc. Some buyers might prefer the cute ones, while others - the sporty ones.

Now, if you would relate that to how you would choose your friends, it's quite a fine model to imitate. Some friends might bring you fun and joy, while others grant you security in being great listeners. Pretty much similar, isn't it?

Think again with regards to the communication that keeps friendships in check. Aren't we all living in a world of interaction? Or rather, a world of 'friendly' interactions? As Newton's third law of motion would state : 'For every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction.' This is only true for physical world - our relationships can never be compared with that of the fixed forces that surrounds us.

Just by looking at the term 'Communication', one can easily derive the 3 factors that would start any conversation; the 3 factors are namely:

1. Topic
2. Passion
3. The courage to start the conversation

And if we would relate these 3 elements to that of starting the engine of a vehicle, one might relate them to the following aspects of the process:

1. The Ignitor, which ignites the fuel so as to get the engine running
2. The Petrol within the fuel tank
3. The Act of turning the key so as to initiate the ignitor

Therefore, when we place them next to each other, it should look like this:

Topic VS Ignitor
Passion VS Petrol
Courage VS Turning the key

So why am I stating all these theories out to you?"

Are we losing out on topics these days? I don't think so, that's probably the easiest to solve if it were the core problem that obstructs us.

Are we lacking the passion in conversing with one another? I don't know, what I do know is that I'm passionate as long as you are... because of my altruism, my passion will always remain, pretty foolish of me, don't you think so?

Are we lacking the courage? For one, I deserve to say this, I've been initiating EVERYTHING, and that even if you did initiate a conversation, you never ever helped to prolong it. I was always the one who'd try to work out the conversation so that they would last longer, even with your less-than-five worded replies. Have you ever spared a thought for how I felt? Alright, maybe it's just me being overly nice to you, so much that you might've taken me for granted. Even if we won't be able to be together someday, am I responsible for this friendship?

I mean, if you don't cherish this friendship as much as I do, then just speak your mind. I'm just so exhausted from the silence I get from you. You know, it's alright if we'd have the BGR a one-sided affair - I'm fine with having a crush on you and letting it live on that way. But please, don't let our friendship transform into this one-sided... thing.

I'm unsure if you'd read this, but as much as I would dread the day that you may read it, I have to voice it out to you. I've left you offline messages hoping that you would initiate something. I know you're busy with school and all that, but hey, I'm busy with work too.

I've been looking back at things lately because of all these medication that I'm on. I start remembering things that I shouldn't, and forgetting stuff that I shouldn't either. And in my misery, perhaps you might find your happiness, I'd never know.

Now that I'm writing this, I just wish to tell you that I cherish that friendship between us. I mean, it's been 2 years and I don't wish to let these 2 years of my life go to waste like that.

And I kinda know that our relationship will not blossom like I would think it to be. It's not that I've found someone else or that I'm gay or WHATEVER you might have on your mind... it's just that, if you would bring all of what you're doing now to our relationship, then we'd definitely break up - eventually.

I have actually thought about your behaviour towards me and blah blah; I had actually hypothesized a few scenarios on why you're treating me in such a manner. Well, you could be avoiding me for all I know, and that you might not like who I am, as in.. deep down in that heart of yours, I think that could be it. Or you could.. I dunno. Whatever.

The choice is yours, I've said my piece, it's up to you if you'd still want to keep this friendship, if not, then... please do that last bit to inform me so that I can put my mind at rest.

20090712

7/12/2009 12:04:00 AM

I met you the other day, and it was I whom you once knew.

We played a simple game to decide on where we should spend the evening together.

We played another, just to decide what we should eat.

We gazed upon the stars that scattered across the night sky.

I held no emotions in my voice.

A reconcilation would be great -- I thought but denied.

"Since you're bored, let us get back together again, to the time when we were last year."

"Why so sudden?" You were startled. I got the drift, so I replied, "Kidding, I'm too busy to think about it right now."

Silence shrouded us - awkward and abrupt in a way - I waited for your voice.

***

Tell me what happened on the 10th of June 2009.

20090625

6/25/2009 12:30:00 PM

I am typing this to create a restore point for myself (or at least one before I lose my mind). I have a few questions to answer and of course... a few answers to give.

***

Perhaps my imagination has run wild; I do not know. All that I've confirmed would be the existence the voices in my head, the ringing in my ears and that of the disturbing hallucinations/flashbacks which appear before my eyes. I shout, scream, yell into emptiness, only to realise that I'm stared at for being such a neurotic chap.

I've got migraines - the frequent throbbing/aching types which affect my movement. I've got nerve issues due to those migraines. I haven't got the time to take my medication due to my work. Am I going nuts?

I'm currently keeping the anxiety at bay, but for how long more? What am I thinking? No... I've got to concentrate before anything else happens. But what's making things worse is that I've got to maintain my sanity... No, that's making me insane. Gotta clear my mind of voices, images, whatever...

If you're reading this, do not let me harm you. I can't control my mind the way it used to be...

***

Communication is the key.

20090609

6/09/2009 10:04:00 PM

It's been months since the disposal of those dreaded emotions.

Some of acquaintances have asked...
"So how's it going with life?"
"So whom are you with now?"
"We should meet up some time... how about Wednesday?"
"Dude, you free for breakfast?"
"Hey, wanna go for some tea?"
"Bro, are you coming for the BBQ this Saturday?"

I've always replied...
"Sorry dude, I'm really busy now.."
"I'm really apologetic, but my boss seems rather flustered with work at the moment..."
"Perhaps some other time? I'll owe you a drink for this, alright?"
"Nah, I've got an urgent meeting to attend to at the moment!"
"Nope, gotta attend some function/dinner/ anything that sort..."

Then from those whom I cherished...
"What are you doing now?"
"Will you be home today?"
"Are you coming home for dinner?"
"Are you alright?"

I've always assured them...
"I'm kinda busy, but yea, what about? Don't worry, you've always got me around!"
"I'll be home, but late."
"Dinner would be great, but it's overtime for me..."
"Yeah, I'm fine, the stress is good for me =)"

And finally...
I started to wonder if i'm getting things right... I went out on a 'date' today... only to realise that I forgot to bring my emotions. Am I really fine? Or have I been neglecting my smile for too long? I've forgotten whom I was; and before I would die physically, the loss of my emotions might be the sole cause for my physical illnesses.

Am I even mentally sane? What have I become? Am I really alright? I can't remember whom I was; I can't remember whom I should be...

They had all advised me upon this issue...
"Be YOURSELF!"

I've always muttered under my breath...
"Who is this myself? Is it someone whom you define me to be? I can't find myself... at all."

***

Goodnight.

20090430

4/30/2009 09:55:00 PM

I'm back, yet... I'm kinda glad; glad that there was nothing left behind.

The trip was meant to remind myself that... I'm not him anymore.