Existence

2009-11-25T17:46:00.002+08:00

So, I'm back... and I've lost my gift of words since then. Many new beginnings have taken the places of those who resent their positions - change is the only constant.

2009-08-11T22:12:00.001+08:00

I sang this to the sky last night...

伯樂 - 林宥嘉

爱你的那一个想你的那一个
谁才是你爱情中的伯乐
放弃了这一个然后等待著下一个
最后哪一个让你最舍不得

感谢不能让别人来说
你给过我的　她们是做不到的
那时候的幸福是真的　虽然过去了
我们也都经历了

释怀教育著仇恨　和平劝著天下人
故事发生便住下了　不管好的坏的
你让我成长了　就算是痛得值得

爱你的那一个　想你的那一个
谁才是你爱情中的伯乐
放弃了这一个　然后等待著下一个
一个个过客过得快不快乐

爱你的那一个　想你的那一个
谁才是你爱情中的伯乐
放弃了这一个　然后等待著下一个
别太多过客祝你早日快乐
离开时别忘了　看看眼前的人
流泪记住了　还是微笑祝福著

I hope someone somewhere would hear me. So I sang it again, hoping that she wouldn't return... I believe that everything that happens, happens for a reason. I had chosen my path, and that I should have already expected all to have ended in this manner. I've granted the ones whom I loved and perhaps still do... the happiness and freedom to decide, yet I was left without an escape route from the self-afflicted disaster scenes. I hoped for a better life for them, a better future and a better piece of mind. In return for my wish, I had chosen this crummy flower named 'wilted joy'. It's beautiful in its existence; more of a figment of memory that had actually retained its beauty.

I have sought ways and means to understand happiness and its source after your departure; a flower that looked so dead yet alive. I sensed its sadness and its will to survive, hence deciding to nurse it back to health. I planted it in a tiny ceramic pot and placed it against the aclove where rays of sunlight could shine upon it. Hours passed, days flew by... the wilted joy never showed signs of life at all. I grew weary... totally drained from the stuffiness of my world - I wondered why.

The nights seemed really long. I stared into the starry night sky, only to be accompanied by rainclouds. Granted, a few pills should do the job; so I slept.

The nights seemed really long. I stared at the wilted flower, only to recall the past that no longer existed. Granted, a few pills should do the job; so I slept.

The nights seemed really long. I closed my eyes to rest, only to see her smiling sweetly at me again. Granted... a few more pills should do the job; I slept on.

The nights seemed really long. I hugged my pillow and felt how chilly I've become, only to miss that warmth and security I once had. Granted, I need those pills; I slumbered.

The nights seemed really long. I had already taken my pills tonight, only to realise that all those memories worsened my condition. Granted, more pills please; I fainted on my table.

The nights seemed terribly long. I stayed up all night staring at the screen, only to find that she has yet to unblock me. Granted, I shouldn't overdose myself... more pills went down my throat. I couldn't sleep.

The nights became horrific. I took pills and slept with ease, only to awake from her departure and my tears. Granted, I daren't sleep any longer.

The nights never improved. I ran in my sleep, only to realise that there was no escape. Granted, I stayed awake.

The nights were nights no longer. I never slept in my sleep, always running, always trying to get out of your grasp that seemed to restrain me so deeply, only to return to see you in despair... I stopped running.

My head's spinning from your delusion. I never faltered, and I never shall. For my love for you has never failed, just as I would never give up upon my life. I am the 'wilted joy'. I was planted for you; I gave you a chance to renew your life of joy and passion; I never complained.

But do not falter, for I must apologise for all that you've read. You must go now - go past the fields of green that aren't tainted with blight. Leave me here, I'll survive on rotting earth, so set your mind at ease. Do not let my efforts go to waste. Never turn back.

It's time for me to run again - to run away from you. Goodnight.

2009-07-16T21:48:00.002+08:00

Another interesting concept that I devised just about a day ago.

I spoke to a friend, someone whom I would crazily, devotedly, and undoubtedly fall for. Yes, she's one of my closest friends (not that I have many close friends though); someone whom I might have mistaken for a partner/soulmate, or that I might have been idiotic enough to address her so intimately in our daily speech (so much that she might have chosen to avoid me).

So here I am, writing this entry while I see her online, unable to speak to her.
So here I am, being a melancholic loser, staring at the screen and longing for that bit of attention.

I'm such a fool.

Before all of this had taken place, I voiced my complaints in a figurative manner.

"If you were to purchase a vehicle from a gallery, it would require much consideration in terms of cost, value, performance, etc, etc etc. Some buyers might prefer the cute ones, while others - the sporty ones.

Now, if you would relate that to how you would choose your friends, it's quite a fine model to imitate. Some friends might bring you fun and joy, while others grant you security in being great listeners. Pretty much similar, isn't it?

Think again with regards to the communication that keeps friendships in check. Aren't we all living in a world of interaction? Or rather, a world of 'friendly' interactions? As Newton's third law of motion would state : 'For every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction.' This is only true for physical world - our relationships can never be compared with that of the fixed forces that surrounds us.

Just by looking at the term 'Communication', one can easily derive the 3 factors that would start any conversation; the 3 factors are namely:

1. Topic
2. Passion
3. The courage to start the conversation

And if we would relate these 3 elements to that of starting the engine of a vehicle, one might relate them to the following aspects of the process:

1. The Ignitor, which ignites the fuel so as to get the engine running
2. The Petrol within the fuel tank
3. The Act of turning the key so as to initiate the ignitor

Therefore, when we place them next to each other, it should look like this:

Topic VS Ignitor
Passion VS Petrol
Courage VS Turning the key

So why am I stating all these theories out to you?"

Are we losing out on topics these days? I don't think so, that's probably the easiest to solve if it were the core problem that obstructs us.

Are we lacking the passion in conversing with one another? I don't know, what I do know is that I'm passionate as long as you are... because of my altruism, my passion will always remain, pretty foolish of me, don't you think so?

Are we lacking the courage? For one, I deserve to say this, I've been initiating EVERYTHING, and that even if you did initiate a conversation, you never ever helped to prolong it. I was always the one who'd try to work out the conversation so that they would last longer, even with your less-than-five worded replies. Have you ever spared a thought for how I felt? Alright, maybe it's just me being overly nice to you, so much that you might've taken me for granted. Even if we won't be able to be together someday, am I responsible for this friendship?

I mean, if you don't cherish this friendship as much as I do, then just speak your mind. I'm just so exhausted from the silence I get from you. You know, it's alright if we'd have the BGR a one-sided affair - I'm fine with having a crush on you and letting it live on that way. But please, don't let our friendship transform into this one-sided... thing.

I'm unsure if you'd read this, but as much as I would dread the day that you may read it, I have to voice it out to you. I've left you offline messages hoping that you would initiate something. I know you're busy with school and all that, but hey, I'm busy with work too.

I've been looking back at things lately because of all these medication that I'm on. I start remembering things that I shouldn't, and forgetting stuff that I shouldn't either. And in my misery, perhaps you might find your happiness, I'd never know.

Now that I'm writing this, I just wish to tell you that I cherish that friendship between us. I mean, it's been 2 years and I don't wish to let these 2 years of my life go to waste like that.

And I kinda know that our relationship will not blossom like I would think it to be. It's not that I've found someone else or that I'm gay or WHATEVER you might have on your mind... it's just that, if you would bring all of what you're doing now to our relationship, then we'd definitely break up - eventually.

I have actually thought about your behaviour towards me and blah blah; I had actually hypothesized a few scenarios on why you're treating me in such a manner. Well, you could be avoiding me for all I know, and that you might not like who I am, as in.. deep down in that heart of yours, I think that could be it. Or you could.. I dunno. Whatever.

The choice is yours, I've said my piece, it's up to you if you'd still want to keep this friendship, if not, then... please do that last bit to inform me so that I can put my mind at rest.

2009-07-12T00:04:00.002+08:00

I met you the other day, and it was I whom you once knew.

We played a simple game to decide on where we should spend the evening together.

We played another, just to decide what we should eat.

We gazed upon the stars that scattered across the night sky.

I held no emotions in my voice.

A reconcilation would be great -- I thought but denied.

"Since you're bored, let us get back together again, to the time when we were last year."

"Why so sudden?" You were startled. I got the drift, so I replied, "Kidding, I'm too busy to think about it right now."

Silence shrouded us - awkward and abrupt in a way - I waited for your voice.

***

Tell me what happened on the 10th of June 2009.

2009-06-25T12:30:00.002+08:00

I am typing this to create a restore point for myself (or at least one before I lose my mind). I have a few questions to answer and of course... a few answers to give.

***

Perhaps my imagination has run wild; I do not know. All that I've confirmed would be the existence the voices in my head, the ringing in my ears and that of the disturbing hallucinations/flashbacks which appear before my eyes. I shout, scream, yell into emptiness, only to realise that I'm stared at for being such a neurotic chap.

I've got migraines - the frequent throbbing/aching types which affect my movement. I've got nerve issues due to those migraines. I haven't got the time to take my medication due to my work. Am I going nuts?

I'm currently keeping the anxiety at bay, but for how long more? What am I thinking? No... I've got to concentrate before anything else happens. But what's making things worse is that I've got to maintain my sanity... No, that's making me insane. Gotta clear my mind of voices, images, whatever...

If you're reading this, do not let me harm you. I can't control my mind the way it used to be...

***

Communication is the key.

2009-06-09T22:04:00.002+08:00

It's been months since the disposal of those dreaded emotions.

Some of acquaintances have asked...
"So how's it going with life?"
"So whom are you with now?"
"We should meet up some time... how about Wednesday?"
"Dude, you free for breakfast?"
"Hey, wanna go for some tea?"
"Bro, are you coming for the BBQ this Saturday?"

I've always replied...
"Sorry dude, I'm really busy now.."
"I'm really apologetic, but my boss seems rather flustered with work at the moment..."
"Perhaps some other time? I'll owe you a drink for this, alright?"
"Nah, I've got an urgent meeting to attend to at the moment!"
"Nope, gotta attend some function/dinner/ anything that sort..."

Then from those whom I cherished...
"What are you doing now?"
"Will you be home today?"
"Are you coming home for dinner?"
"Are you alright?"

I've always assured them...
"I'm kinda busy, but yea, what about? Don't worry, you've always got me around!"
"I'll be home, but late."
"Dinner would be great, but it's overtime for me..."
"Yeah, I'm fine, the stress is good for me =)"

And finally...
I started to wonder if i'm getting things right... I went out on a 'date' today... only to realise that I forgot to bring my emotions. Am I really fine? Or have I been neglecting my smile for too long? I've forgotten whom I was; and before I would die physically, the loss of my emotions might be the sole cause for my physical illnesses.

Am I even mentally sane? What have I become? Am I really alright? I can't remember whom I was; I can't remember whom I should be...

They had all advised me upon this issue...
"Be YOURSELF!"

I've always muttered under my breath...
"Who is this myself? Is it someone whom you define me to be? I can't find myself... at all."

***

Goodnight.

2009-04-30T21:55:00.002+08:00

I'm back, yet... I'm kinda glad; glad that there was nothing left behind.

The trip was meant to remind myself that... I'm not him anymore.

2009-04-07T17:44:00.002+08:00

Leaving.. I've sent my parcel; The waiting game ensues.
Living.. I've packed my bag; The hummingbird flutters.
Cleansing.. I've paced my steps; The shadow beckons.
Trying.. I've served my time; The past has departed.

***

When I had started learning how to trust you, you had stopped trusting me.

***

Don't miss me, I can sense it when you do.

2009-03-25T21:01:00.002+08:00

Do something about my head, it's killing me.

I'm no longer sane; enduring this pain; can't stay in lane..
Cure this migraine; I plead in rain; staring at the window pane.
Spin, wind vane; efforts in vain; I missed the train...

If anyone can explain this riddle that I've written in the most "sane-ful" manner, he or she, is a friend. If not, he or she is merely an acquaintance.

***

I need to start breathing...

***

Do something about his mind, it's killing him.

2009-03-24T22:00:00.002+08:00

I thought if I were to get you to hate me, it'd be easier on you... indeed, i guess it was easier for you to forget... not for me though.

I hear your voice; I heard the promises I had made; I see those memories that I've spent with you. How long has it been now? How long have I lingered in this sea of tears?

I regret, but I jolly know well enough, I can't forget... Or am I hallucinating? Why do I keep hearing our conversations? Why do I keep hearing you calling out to me? Why do I remember your eyes? Why? Why is it that I'm still here? Why do I still fear the places that we dated? Why do I speak to the air that floated aimlessly before me? Am I going mad? Am I?

I never dared to take even a glimpse of your profile on Facebook... I no longer dared to even look at the pictures we took together... Yet, I remember you. I wish I could forget those memories... I wish I were perfect...

I wish I could be smiling with you once again. I wish Mr Happy would sleep by my side once more (well.. it ain't on my bed... I left it in a corner... because I feared him..).

I'm striving hard enough, I'm doing my best to keep up with the times, and I am. I'm successful in all my endeavors. Never have I failed. Yet, I've failed to move on. I daren't contact you for fear that I might bring you a frown. I daren't contact you for fear that you might raise a brow in suspicion. My plot to bring you hatred towards me had succeeded, so why should I continue to fret?

Why? Why can't I face the truth that you had left me months ago? Why isn't this bitterness going away? Was my love for you that great? I wish I knew... and somehow... even with this bitterness that emanates from within me... I wish you happiness... I hope, and I really do hope... that you aren't plagued by the memories... I hope.. that my ploy had successfully brought you a new life... while i stay right here to play my role with never-ending devotion.

I wish the clouds would clear off someday... Yet... I do not wish to see the sun's lament. I wish that the clouds would just be blown away... by something.. or someone... I wish I could, and I would.. but I just couldn't... but I still would.

Melancholy... lies dormant in our hearts.

2009-03-13T22:41:00.003+08:00

I thought I was understood back then. Then I finally realised now, that I wasn't understood at all -- by anyone.

Was it because I didn't want to be understood? No...
Was it because I gave up in trying to be understood? Perhaps...

Let me die. I can't figure out how sane I am. I can't figure if I'm still human...
I just want to be understood, is it really that hard?

Misunderstandings constrict my existence.
When can I ever unbind myself?
When will someone start listening to what I have to say?
Why am I always the one to listen?

Perhaps... I've waited too long. It's been so long since I've spoken up for myself. Can I die?
Will you let me die?
Compassion... guilt... dignity... pride. Do all these words mean anything at all?

Mr Happy... he's seated upon my bed. I can see his sadness. When he was taken off the shelf, it wasn't meant to be that way. Why? Why that smile that's so... ill-formed?

Migraines... Illusions... Muffled speeches of inexistent identities... Tell me, when can I be heard?

The ones I hate, I can never bring myself to that low a class to enact my revenge.
The ones I love, I can never speak up the truth that's held within my heart for fear that I may disappoint them.
The ones I trust, I can never find them.

Lost. So tell me, when can I be heard? Even if I were asked to be heard... I'm only an Eminence Grise in everyone's eyes... Something that's redundant to appear, yet important behind the scenes. The pretence that would be seen when I explain myself... would be so hurtful... to me.

When, when can I be heard? If not, when may I be allowed to depart from this world?

2009-03-08T22:27:00.002+08:00

"They aren't back to haunt me and they never will."

Or at least that's what I told myself. Or rather, that's what I believed.

Then again, beliefs can never block off the memories that were etched so deeply in time; I regret that our friendship had sunk with titanic.

If only, I could just return to the past - to thwart history - I don't mind shortening my life expectancy. Perhaps life's what it should be, and that I've got no authority over myths that were created for a reason.

All hope is lost I guess... I want this to end... Yet, I'm unable to look at that dress. I can't bring myself to do so. I don't wish to remember. I'm resorting to escapism.

I'll do it; I'll get rid of it. Soon enough, I'll start anew. It's been 2 months now. 2 months... For 2 months, I've been trying to pick up the pieces; for 2 months... I've lingered... without a sense of direction; merely a false image to portray my (physical) existence.

I've stopped writing... I wish to start soon.. I can't write... because I can't find a direction to do so. How'd you feel if you read something that would confuse you in its attempt to convince?

***

I want my lemonade.

2009-03-02T22:24:00.000+08:00

So tell me, what have I become?

2009-02-27T13:29:00.002+08:00

A Little Too Not Over You -- David Archuleta

It never crossed my mind at all
That's what I tell myself
What we had has come and gone
You're better off with someone else
It is for the best
I know it is
But I see you

Sometimes I try to hide
What I feel inside
And I turn around
You're with him now
I just can't figure it out

Tell me why
You're so hard to forget
Don't remind me
I'm not over it
Tell me why
I can't seem to face the truth
I'm just a little too not over you

Memories suppose to fade
What's wrong with my heart
Shake it off let it go
Didn't think it would be this hard
Should be strong, moving on
But I see you

Sometimes I try to hide
What I feel inside
And I turn around
You're with him now
I just can't figure it out

Tell me why
You're so hard to forget
Don't remind me
I'm not over it
Tell me why
I can't seem to face the truth
I'm just a little too not over you

Maybe I regret
Everything I said
No way to take it all back
Yeah Now I'm on my own
How I let you go
I'll never understand
I'll never understand
Yeah, ohhh.

Tell me why
You're so hard to forget
Don't remind me
I'm not over it
Tell me whyI can't seem to face the truth
I'm just a little too not over you

Tell me why
You're so hard to forget
Don't remind me
I'm not over it
Tell me why
I can't seem to face the truth
And I really don't know what to do
I'm just a little too not over you
Not over you, ooh.

***

I've learnt not to ask too many questions when there just aren't any answers at all.
I've learnt not to seek out solutions for the unexplained when history resists its change.
I've understood how much love means to the average human in comparison to what it meant to me.
I've learnt that altruism... is still the best way out.

I'm not lying to myself about this. I'm not over you. But I'm trying to move on.

None of us were at fault. If we needed someone to blame, then the only person to blame would be 'us'.

This song, isn't really factual about the whole plot. Just a figurative description.

Enjoy.

2009-02-22T22:03:00.003+08:00

Have I gotten out of that mess that I've created?

Am I lost with whom I am again?

NO... I certainly not know what I want... but I'm certainly sure of the choices for me.

***

Does she still follow this blog of mine?

Am I writing for the sake of her viewership?

Have I lost everything...? She was everything...

What have I done to us...?

What do I intend to do to 'us' if 'us' had just disintegrated itself?

I want answers... I want answers. Everyone would deem me childish... but that's not the point, love IS childish, immature, or whatever one might phrase it to be.

It's been more than a month now; almost that of 2 eternities (eternity = 20 days).

I'm not hopeful, my heart continues to writhe itself in pain, and yet I have to maintain that poise. I have to hide all that misery with a smile that's hung upon a face that isn't mine.

Will she hear me? I'll be there... will she see me? I'll be there... will she remember me?

Or will she... behave the way I've shaped her to be? I daren't regret... I honour my actions. I honour those memories that I had defiled... for the greater good of her life... yet why?

Why do I hang on? Why? If only she could tell me why. If only she could show me why I've stopped in my tracks. Why?

I guess.. I presume... I predict... I assume... I conclude... that she wouldn't be here to read... anymore.

The answer.. to all those why's...

"I still love her."

2009-02-21T23:35:00.002+08:00

Why are my eyes transfixed upon that little LCD screen that's my phone's?

Am I waiting?

What am I waiting for if I am?

Why can't I stop thinking?

No... it should've been... Why can't I just shut off that irritating brain of mine?

Why can't I stay the same?

Why the mood swings?

Why me?

2009-02-16T22:33:00.002+08:00

Friendship... stinks. Acquaintances work well for me. I'm good. I'm eccentric. I'm bothered. I'm carefree... or am I? How do I feel? Someone, tell me, how do I feel? How should I feel? Who am I supposed to be in front of you, you, you, you, you, you, you... and you? You, you, you, you, you and you.. all of you would hate me if I'd be myself...

Exactly... exactly... painful... all of you... no.. you don't trust me at all... no matter how much trust and effort I've put into my friendships... all of you, are merely sucking it all up - enjoying the best of what I can give; watching me wither and dry as I would wilt to the ground like that of plants in a massive drought.

She has left me, I had just given up hope in friendship.. what's there that's left in this world for me? Tell me? Who else, other than my family, would be there to know whom I am? Have I been bad? Have I been ethically and morally out of sorts? Or am I just.. not worth all of your time?

I think it's all of them. So I should change myself? AGAIN? FOR ALL OF YOU? are you guys nuts? when I've already done much? what have all of you done? I never expected anything, but there should be a limit to what I can give - and all of you made use of that. All of you made use of this credit card till it has reached its limit. Why not try using a DEBIT card guys?

Exhausted and beat... I GAVE UP

2009-02-15T00:13:00.002+08:00

A Wish for a Valentine

Today is a day;
A day of joy and hope;
A day of dreams and cuddles;
A day of a harmonious melody -
Sung in a chorus by a blissful duo.

Today is the day;
The day with great beginnings;
The day with revealed truths;
The day with a string of simple words -
Whispered between the blissful duo.

Today is a day;
A day in February;
A day in time;
A day in visible existence -

"In love, with sincerity;
Etched in memories, in wonder -
A Fairytale that's mystical yet admired."

Today is your day;
Your day that's with a Valentine;
Your day that's filled with brilliance and optimism;
Your day that's free of worrisome anxieties -

Your time and space, to find someone who'd cherish,
And nurse you towards a future of perpetual beatitude -
A day that's the both of you;
Hand in hand, striding with coherence,
With someone you truly love.

~Happy Valentine's Day~

***

I've written this... poem... does it sound simple to any of you? Why not try reading between the lines? Or is poetry plainly for leisure and appreciation?

Art (music and other stuff that can be classified under this category) and literature... they are what many would fail to appreciate; they are what many of the few who'd take time off to appreciate - fail to comprehend the author's emotions. Or perhaps I've written it in a extremely complex manner...

14th February... should just be.. another day to me. It should just be... some other day where I'd plainly get past easily with my hectic schedule.

I was wrong, hence I wrote... I wrote a poem. It was inspired by a song... yet I wrote... I wrote... not knowing whom I was writing it for. I wanted it to be written... for you, and yet.. I couldn't seem to write... to you any further...

***

I stepped out of those grand oak doors today... everyone seemed to be in a mad rush with their stuff... I was so... ignored. Hence I wrote.. I wrote a poem.

***

I returned to my world without hearing any resemblance of that familiar voice calling out to me... I wrote... I wrote a poem... I wept... I wept upon a poem.

***

I left my doors unlocked, hoping that someone would come knocking; yet silence seemed so loud... it seemed to ring me apart... I wrote... I wrote a poem... I wept... I wept... a sheet of parchment stained with tears.

My emotions appear as soggy as the wet parchment... then again.. parchment should've been 'parched'... The ink smudged submissively... My words were lost in a battle of bitter teardrops that landed silently on the parchment.

Parched... my eyes were parched... I never moaned... I never groaned... never whined... never whimpered... I stared at the door... Nothing stirred at all.

2009-02-09T21:24:00.000+08:00

Let me find myself.

2009-02-02T23:54:00.002+08:00

cont'd from previous entry...

I plucked up my courage to take a peek at my doorstep... I'm afraid... hahaha.. I laugh at my fear..
hahaha.. it came echoing back at me... my fear was laughing at me.

Who am I to judge? Who was I to judge? If I left this person out at my doorstep for too long... would it bind me to misery if I were to lose this opportunity?

Now I would really like to unlock myself... yet I'm so afraid... because I'm still suffering from what you're doing to me now... yes indeed, ignorance is bliss... I could've just bothered no more... Wouldn't that make me a heartless? How would others view me to be? I couldn't just dump you like you had to me... I'm not that cruel... no.. never will I be. Yet... without your help, I had to get reform myself to face the ever intimidating world. You promised to be there for me... where are you now?

***

I reached for that one key that hung above my desk with much hesitation.. Should I?

***

It's time I stopped using those keys... I'm not gonna remain in this world of mine till I'm done with the world out there. Being in my world.. meant accepting and entertaining guests... guests like you... you.. you.. and you... For 3 times.. I have met and entertained.. guests like you. I've made the same mistake thrice, I'm not gonna lose another time.

You won't find me there, even if you might read... Don't miss me. don't.. EVER miss me. You've made it really clear last night...

'it's not the same anymore.'

It broke my heart, but no... I shall not accept anymore of your nonsense... until you learn how to treat me with respect when I spoke to you with respect. Perhaps you've been plotting behind me all this while... to do this to me, now that you've succeeded -- congratulations.

I confessed that I still miss you, but it won't.. last long, not after today... I'll get used to it... I'll get used to the harshness that you've shown me. I'll get used to everything. You needn't worry. Just worry for yourself. Someday... when you're done drifting, you may meet me again... don't regret then.. please.. don't.. ever regret...

Because.. today is the day... where I've finally completed the equation for the both of us.

***

New beginnings shall ensue... I'm sure this new outsider will show me that the rays at dusk aren't that mellow and depressing after all. I want to be the second person to smile as the rays would wash past our cheeks in our admiration towards the incoming dusk.

Tarot : Death = For every end, there's always a new beginning that's round the bend up ahead, never fret... ever.

2009-02-01T23:10:00.003+08:00

I stumbled upon something of which... my curiosity feasted upon. No, I wish I hadn't. I wish that she wouldn't have to hide her emotions when she'd speak to me. We're friends, no? Why can't she just let down her guard for a moment and stop treating me like a total stranger?

If she really does miss me, then express it. If she doesn't, express it as well. She's practically lying to herself.. AND I HATE IT. 3 points... if I haven't inferred wrongly... 3 points... had been referring to me. I'd really wish that I hadn't read anything. I'd really wish I weren't so resourceful... I'd really wish that I could just... walk out of that memory, so that it'd stop stifling my life now... I know that I'd be overwhelmed by those emotions... if she's ever gonna say that she'd want to be with me again. I'm just that soft-hearted to those whom I had cared for. Blame me, but please do forgive me... For you'd be grateful if you were to hurt me this badly again, and yet would still want to reciprocate...

Or perhaps.. I guess I really did make an incorrect inference. I'm not whom she was talking about... It was perhaps.. only wishful thinking on my part.

***

Someone came knocking on my heavy and grand oak doors today... there was a slight clinking on that old and cranky-yet-secure padlock. Someone's out there... Should I take a peek? Or should I continue to live my life in misery... in that of ours? So that I wouldn't feel guilty towards you? What is friendship to you? Teach me... guide me... enlighten me.

2009-02-01T00:10:00.003+08:00

Forgive me for being such a nut... for not speaking up.. or perhaps you're happy that way..
Forgive me for protecting you, from me... or perhaps you hadn't even realized.
Forgive me for your hatred towards me... or perhaps, my efforts had been only futile..

Forgive me, for everything I had done...
Forgive me for being noble and selfish...
Forgive me for loving you.
Forgive me for everything else that... I doubt I'd be able to mention again in person.

What's most important, remains a mystery to you... even when it appears to have clarified itself within me.

Perhaps.. I was a mystery to you, that once unraveled, appeared to not be a subject of fancy within moments. And for fear of that, I remain mysterious, now you've given up - I was no longer in your capacity to unravel my next move.

As I drift with the wind, I continue to protect the ones I love from the sprockets of rain that had battered heavily upon me. I continue to pursue a greater good that many have yet to realize. I remained calm and reserved... so as to prevent any potential antagonists from grasping a technique that would break my weakest link.

I shall uphold my spirit and honour... to protect the ones I love... May righteousness guide me on my path ahead... And may my virtues continue to develop themselves. If need be, my sacrifice would be worthwhile... all for the sake of protecting the ones I love..

For I am and always will be.. Le Eminence Grise.

2009-01-29T20:30:00.002+08:00

Perhaps it happens to everyone after breakups.. They all find stuff to engulf their lives with. So much that once they've lost themselves in it, they start to feel a different set of emptiness as compared to that of what they'd experience if they hadn't done so.

I've gotten out of that phase.. as in.. busying myself with everything, have you?
I've decided to press stop.. and start doing some soul-searching.. have you?
I read, heard and watched more than enough grievances in this world... have you?

I don't wish to see anymore of this;
I don't wish to fret about this any longer...
If only someone would grant me this tiny slice of warmth...
I wouldn't have ended up in such a state.

Where have all you hidden all those smiles?
Where was I left to rot?
(and why'd I use rot? simple, I'm biodegradable, no? haha.. read between the lines, my friend..)

***

Have you forgotten me just as she did?
Do you not remember a thing at all?
Do you wish to commit the same mistake as she did?
Why do all of you resort to escapism?
Why do you not face the music?
Why am I always left to pick up the shattered pieces of relationships?
Why do I even have to do so?
To console all of you?
Or did you think I was trying to gain your sympathy?

I'm doubting everything now... everything.

2009-01-29T01:06:00.002+08:00

"...
An endless sorrow in a path I took;
Forsook and weary - stooped away from the crowds -
You waved to me, and said 'hello'.
...
Each day we spoke and laughed in harmony;
Each day came with blissful beginnings -
Those of which we yearned never to forget.
...
Your smile brought me warmth -
A comforting wave of warmth.
Your voice made me realise,
That nothing had mattered anymore.
...
*Blackout*
...
I saw the glitter of tears in your eyes -
I knew at that very moment,
It was a dream that I could never attain.
In this dark and lonely corner within me, I cried..."

lyrics lyrics lyrics.. as usual.. I'm not good with titles..

*Blackout* = a moment in which I'd deem as the 'writer's block'.

2009-01-28T00:19:00.002+08:00

Facts are facts... someone special was born today, 19 years ago.

81777 29928417 26 763

words are words, figures are figures, emotions are just stuff that lie between them both.

Now that I'm using figures to state my wishes.. it only means one thing... I'm dead serious about something, something that... perhaps you may or may not wish to decipher with numbers or riddles.. whatever the case, don't worry, you won't be hurt by me, just stay safe from the rest of the world...

Friend.. it's a new word to me, I'm really trying to register it, to internalize it... perhaps... someday, someone will help me understand... that this world, has friends who'd really BE a friend.

Trust... no one -- trust... is a weapon... that one might use against you. Do you trust me? I doubt so... I doubt it... considering.. the many equations to today.. I'm doubting everything.

At least... I locked my emotions safely away, I'd never doubted how I felt back then. I never doubted you back then... but now... I doubt everyone. No one can be trusted... you'd understand one day... when it's your turn to feel this way.. perhaps you might remember me... perhaps you might not.

I'm only a figment of your memories... I'm only, a fragment of trust that's misplaced; I'm only... a minute shard... a shrapnel, that'll only cause you harm if you'd continue to try to pluck it off you..

My advice...

Wait for your wound to heal, once it does... if you'd ever be able to pull it out... pull it out.
Or.. if you decide that it should stick with you, don't push it deeper into your flesh -- still pull it out, polish it to shine, then make a new chain out of it...

old ones get rusty over time.

I want my chain renewed -- that means, renewed trust, renewed truth, renewed friendship, renewed relationship... etc etc.. That's your job. I've untied my end of the knot, it's your turn.

2009-01-25T23:33:00.003+08:00

As melancholic as I've always been... As emotional as I should try to be... I've re-visited a few other memories today... it hurts... why did it have to end in the first place?

The quayside at VivoCity... where most of our memories still breathed of joy as we embraced one another to watch yet.. another sunset...

The footpath down orchard road where we first met... and of course, not forgetting Ngee Ann City... where we first took our baby steps to get to know each other. I was as usual... doing my routine book-hunting, when we first met...

And yet today... I've only wanted to avoid those places that we've been to, knowing that I'd see the both of us together in my memories.

You should not be reading this. You should and must not know that I'm still.. here.. going against my words. I can't honour those words at all... I can't let go... of those.. memories.

Can't let go of those dreams that I've sculpted for the both of us.
Can't let go of you speaking to me in silence with just your eyes.
Can't let go... I just can't... those emotions, it was as though... it were only yesterday that we'd just parted...

It's been more than 10 days now -- about the same amount as back then when I was away in Brunei... Could I bear to hurt you? Yes, only if you requested me to do so. I had to... to hurt you now rather than to let you brew it yourself in future.

Right now... are you bored?
Do you feel empty?
Are you well?
How have you been?
Were you hurting yourself as much?

If only... if only we'd just be honest to one another... or perhaps.. I'm merely guessing things to appear as what I'd desire.

Positive thinking might just end up as only that of being wishful... tell me... was it and is it still wishful thinking on my part that we can get back together?

If love were logical... then I'd be by your side right now... but it's not. it's not...
Facts are facts... I'm crying over spilt milk... yet I'm stubborn enough to try soaking up all that spilt milk (ok.. lactose intolerant.. let's change it to erm... spilt {fruit} punch)...

Just to distill it and purify it... to repristinate what we are today, hence reversing the tragedy that has occurred... or would you rather I hadn't done so?

I'm so in love with this lady whom I'm talking about. and that's none other than you (if you'd still be reading..)

Nothing, carry on with life... I'm merely ranting in honesty... I've told many lies, too many... so that you could be happy without me. I'm sorry... I really am...

Wonder if you understood those figures in my email to you as well... but not much hope for it, I have not indeed. There no such thing as too late for anything... always remember... it's always better late.. than never at all. Because I still love you.

Oh.. and happy lunar new year to you and everyone else as well...

2009-01-24T22:25:00.002+08:00

I've finally returned to the balanced me... though still reforming my emotional foundations... at least.. I've returned to that... thing that... could feel again. Less logical, more emotional... so different from that extremely logical bugger for that 4 days after we had separated.

The real pain starts now... after re-visiting the places we went together (not that I had wanted to see them again... it just so happened that my family decided to head there for dinner..)

Then again... why am I writing this? I mean, you aren't gonna read this anymore...

Then, then again... I drove you away, and that was my choice. I made you hate me, that was my choice... In the end... hatred would grant you ease in letting go... whereas here I am... still suffering from a love that's so hard to get rid of...

Went to Queensway today (lunar new year = reunion dinners with external families... something, I don't quite like, unless... it's a quiet one.), and passed by that tiny road we walked during our first official date. I could almost hear your voice, reverberating against my eardrums as you would've whispered against my ear. I felt myself giving in to that smile of yours, I think I smiled... even as my heart would ache so badly.

I saw us walking towards that utterly bus stop that's situated just outside a branch of the National Environmental Agency, haha.. and to think back then you thought it were the main branch... (seriously, I thought it was until recalling that the main branch is at botanic gardens).

I saw us, happy together. I saw me, as me.

I fished for my mobile phone that lay silent in my pocket. It was uneventful. Got a whole day of calls and messages from my workplace just because some friend of mine was unsure of the SOP.

*Silence* (visually and verbally)

I stared at the lighted LCD screen which gave off a glow of blue. Nothing... nothing... I must've been dreaming, it's been a week now... nothing...

I'm still blaming myself, for driving you away. If you'd ever read this, don't do anything. don't tag... don't say anything... just say hi to me... on that webbie we first met. We're still friends, aren't we? (I must be dreaming.. Why should I still be hopeful about that?)

Who am I trying to portray at the moment... I'm standing in the middle of two planes... swaying from one to the other... really hope these emotions are merely shortlived... yet... I'm still determined to prolong it. The chapter has ended... for you... Now.

I can't find my ending -- or I had actually tried to create it -- but to no avail. I can't lie to myself... I can't forget you. It's terrible, missing you, it's just so terrible.

I'm cruel... so cruel to myself, why can't I just stop? Really wish to... I'd really do. Yet... I still love you as much...

***

Thinking back... thinking.. haha.. can never stop thinking.. I should stop laughing when my heart ain't laughing no more...

2009-01-24T00:22:00.004+08:00

Recovered... recovered.. As always... as I'd always write --

My determination to repristinate..
My longing for repristination...
My emotions for achieving it.

Yet... I have none.
Much happened this week... I felt nothing.
Much happened last week (as I read my entries...)... I felt nothing.. again..
Stress starts to build up... I feel nothing...
I continued to fire away with those 'lame' issues... others laughed when they caught it... I felt nothing..

For once... I have stopped...
For twice... I have stopped searching...
For thrice... I had squirmed back to life with this state of mind...

I don't feel anything...
No yearning for friends...
No pining for love...
No laughter, no grief...
No love, no hatred...

Plain wretchedness towards myself.
Blames, faults... I'm the accused.
I feel and felt nothing...
AT ALL.

None I wrote could seem up to my standards...
None I spoke revealed my soul.
Painless, lifeless... I've achieved my goal.
Regret? There are no regrets...

It's numbers... my mind is now filled with numbers...

numbers...

97 96 15955 722 (12)175;
9 1(13) 679(12)(12) 8555

(13)1(12)25 97 96 127 (13)5 7817 (12)28 155 55655917 72

1 A N
2 B O
3 C P
4 D Q
5 E R
6 F S
7 G T
8 H U
9 I V
(10) J W
(11) K X
(12) L Y
(13) M Z

and... the 2nd level of understanding would be sums. followed by differences... then products.. and quotients...

sums... i don't like differences..
products go too fast...
quotients.. might end up lesser than differences..

***

Or should I follow a different system? say.. the traditional one -- The Pythagorean number values?

1 A J S
2 B K T
3 C L U
4 D M V
5 E N W
6 F O X
7 G P Y
8 H Q Z
9 I R

I'll stick to this... for future messages. Gonna come up with a script to encrypt my words soon enough... it's not safe...

Yet.. a very interesting research topic to touch on... encryption...
Then.. to greater heights.. randomized encryption keys.. to prevent others like me.. interesting..

2009-01-23T14:57:00.000+08:00

我还想她

泪水将我淹没到底谁该难过
究竟是谁放掉这段感情

我才终于明白办不到的承诺
就成了枷锁
现实中幸福永远缺货

请告诉她我不爱她
笑著难过自我惩罚
想终止这一切挣扎
狠了心说真心谎话
别告诉她我还想她
恨总比爱容易放下
当泪水堵住了胸口
就让沉默代替所有回答

我不爱我不痛我不懂
我的心早已掏空
真心话言不由衷

别告诉她我还想她
就让沉默代替所有回答

2009-01-20T22:12:00.002+08:00

An incredulous recipe to rid off Emptiness

Name: Emptiness-no-more
Category: Mental consumption
Status: Existent, Stabilizers present
Others: No preservatives added, all ingredients take immediate effect

Ingredients:
A generous serving of a full day of work, juggling between 2 projects;
A pinch of lunch;
A usual dose of driving lessons
An incoherent squeeze of travelling time;

Methodology:
1. Think of nothing else, well, literally nothing, since your superior watches you under his nose round the clock.

2. Head for lunch alone during peak timings -- Increases stress level and decreases flow of thoughts.

3. Head straight back to work, instantly burying oneself with more emails and perhaps indulge in flash games to de-stress and gain positive gaming stress.

4. Think nothing of leaving work later than dismissal time, make a beeline for the exit 10 minutes before the end of the day.

5. Walk at double the frequency, or rather, half the period of each pace, to hasten the mind, hence arriving just in time for a feeder bus.

6. Plug in the ear-pieces while travelling, man-made noises are only a hindrance to the calm and clear mind; pick up a book to read if need be.

7. Upon alighting at desired destination, cross the road without heed for traffic when the traffic is the heaviest -- refer to step 2 if in doubt of the reason.

8. Read while waiting for the lesson to commence at the driving centre; stare at the words, and only the words; concentrate and indulge in the comforts of those ear-pieces as well.

9. While driving, stay focused and perfect - be grateful when instructors say their praises to you.

10. At the end of the lesson, repeat step 6 while travelling home.

***

Inspiration no longer brews... all I have in mind is that of logicality... A typical mindset of a Scientist/Mathematician.

How disappointing... From this point of view, in a logical sense, I would conclude that I loved her so that I could receive that bit of inspiration from her.

Like I once mentioned my many trances...
"Life is full of transactions, not relationships"

But no... In the cultured and gentlemanly point of view, it's
"You'll feel worse to lose something you once had, than to feel you didn't have it at all."

What's love? I know not...
What's hate? I know lots.
What's sorrow? I'd say lament.
What's joy? I know not.

Who'd show me my sunrise once again?
You, you, you, you... or you*? Or is it me again?
Must I force the reverse rotation of the Earth just to see it?

*refers to different you's... 'you' does not refer to the same individual, get that right. And... 5 'you's is only a figure, the world is vast, 'you' might be anyone, who knows?

2009-01-16T23:07:00.002+08:00

keep my heart safe, keep it safe.

I'm glad I stashed it with you before it turned into stone.

I'm a poison, like the Medusa's glare, a poison that inflicts instant death.

Fear me, and victims you shall be.
Challenge me, and feel my wrath.

For I have unleashed the human in me, the embodiment of all deadly sins.
For I have chosen to blend in with the crowd, and play as the silent assassin.
For I have decided to play with loyalty, to betray the human race for their misdeeds.

Poison against poison... Who would emerge victorious?
Survival of the fittest, I judge thee, for I shall lead my path of righteousness and honour, to cleanse this land of her misdeeds.

Luxuria
Gula
Avaritia
Acedia
Ira
Invidia
Superbia

These sins shall all be erased... None shall remain (at least until I'm done with this world).

If my life were to be sacrificed, so be it... for the greater good, I'd have no regrets...

2009-01-16T21:29:00.003+08:00

I know you won't and wouldn't... so don't.

You know I will and would... so don't.

We both know, we both know... whom to trust, whom to love...

Quietus of me... Quietus of us... spoken in tears... all be just.

I'd stay alive... all because I made you that one very silly promise.

And that is to stand by you no matter what happens... pretty silly don't you think?
Isn't that bringing me more grief instead? Well... at least it does make me less suicidal.

Goodnight world, sleep while you still can before the Djinni prowls once again... in search for fresh emotions of hatred and wretch...

The Djinni thrives on it, and so will I.

Goodnight world, for we are one and WE shall hunt... again.

***

The theory of equivalent trade will ensue... I'm waiting for my results.. how about you?
The Principle of Conservation of Emotions shall apply...

All my love for you, shall be converted, for I am balanced.
You've kept my heart from me, I shall abide.
Rebirth and resurrect thy old one; wake and bury thee new victim...
Feel the pain course within thy veins,
Seek the truth that lies within.

Why have I said all this in such negative terms...
Very simple, a fact; so simple, a fact.
Truth of the heart, be sought by the deaf.
Truth of the world, be sought by the blind.
Truth of the mind, be sought by the dumb.

Whom shall see its fate and destiny --
Thy truth I speak of, may be within you.
So here I come hunting for truth --
Being deaf, blind and dumb, I approach;
Being deaf, blind and dumb, I hunt.

Until the newly buried is forcibly revived;
The old shall roam a land of falsified humans.

***

Don't be negative with what I said, it's just normal for me to pen down my hatred to this world when I don't feel needed. So please, let me restate my claim to revert this world from her original sin.

I'm not god, and there isn't one, and I'm not playing his role either.
If the world fails to seek peace within itself -- I'd be glad to exterminate the hated and the wretched.

***

Goodnight world, goodnight world... I'm insane as can be, I'm insane for I'm me.

2009-01-14T08:06:00.005+08:00

Quietus of Sillyboy

I awoke in the middle of the night, only to see you sitting in a corner, and crying.
I asked out of concern... you insisted on keeping silent.
I pressed on further... all because I loved you and I couldn't bear to see you suffering in silence...
I solved your confusion... and had you to decide on what's best for you.
I held your left hand... and placed gently; a fruit knife on your palm.
I admired your eyes with ease... you frowned and cried harder..

I said, 'Just do it, before the painkiller wears off...' I tried to smile.
You replied a simple 'no'.. followed yet again by silence...

I aided you into gripping the fruit knife.. and have it pointed at my heart.
'Just do it... before it's too late.'
You shook your head, eyes unable to look into mine.

Without hesitance, I held your left hand with both of mine...
Without hesitance, I thrust it into my heart...
Without hesitance, I must end your suffering...
Without hesitance, I have proven my love for you to be thus deep.

Squelch, wheeze... the physical me seems struggling to survive...
Squelch, wheeze... and I feel no pain at all...
Pain... I must've loved you too much.. so very much...
Pain... seems redundant... in my love for you.

The fruit knife stuck onto my chest, I staggered...
The fruit knife stuck onto my chest, you were startled.
I looked deeply into your eyes, merely trying to tell you that it's alright.
I looked deeply into your eyes... merely telling you that you've done nothing wrong...
Squelch, wheeze... Squelch, wheeze... breathing gets harder now...
Squelch, wheeze... Squelch, wheeze... am I dead yet?
Even apples cry... am I dead yet?

The chains that bind me to you remain cold and clammy.
The chains that bind me to you remain sturdy and lifeless.
You asked if I wanted to be unchained...
I asked if you wanted that to happen...
We both know... we weren't just lovers to begin with.

You softened your grip on the fruit knife, I continued to hold.
With the least effort in place, I pulled it off my chest and stabbed again.
With another yank, I stabbed harder.
I felt nothing... we still continued to love one another.
I feared everything... yet I still continued to love you.

I have forced you to kill me... you continued to cry...
I told you never to regret... for I've been a lifeless doll to begin with...
A lifeless doll I've been; A lifeless doll that knew how to cry.
My heart existed for you... for a love... that's now lost in the mist.

***

Someday... you might love me once more... I told you I'd never want to lose you again, yet it happened... you've decided to leave me and I had let you do so... do I suffer? Which do you want to hear? The politically correct? Or what my heart truly meant?

Someday... I might lose all my emotions... Will you ever resurrect them? Whom shall I be then? Whom should I be now? Who am I? I've lost my will... and am clinging on to that last bit of essence that would allow me to linger in this world.. for hopes that you might return...

I love you... nothing has ended... because I still love you.

***

Changed the song... lyrics as given below..

讓 -- 楊宗緯

多想要找到一絲掙扎在妳臉上
可是妳美得冷得淡得像月亮
等著妳的那輛車燈閃一下
像催妳草草斷了我們的過往

約好要每年回到初擁吻的地方
劃一個記號寫下相戀的感想
等明年我剩一個人坐在堤防
該唱首什麼歌來紀念愛的傻

讓你逃亡又讓你回航
讓你依賴我也讓你倔強
只要你微笑帶一點感動的淚光
我就得到可以再給的力量

我讓你飛翔又讓你說謊
我讓你苛求我也讓你奢望
我還以為愛就是要體貼的退讓
我們一起蓋的羅馬妳卻跟他拆了城牆
踩過我用摯愛建築的天堂

太絕對的愛變成了活該　朋友要我責怪　
我卻只想重來　也許這就叫愛

多少日子蓋的羅馬
妳用一夜拆了城牆
踩碎我曾讓妳棲息的胸膛

***

2009-01-01T00:33:00.005+08:00

A year has ended and another comes along... and soon enough it will end and repeat its cycle.
That would and will never happen to the both of us... I don't want any endings, hence denying new beginnings... I just want to protect our memories, so that we'd be able to laugh, cry, frown or etc about them when we've conceded to the ends of time.

Most important of all, all these little arguments that we may have had... to tell you the truth, I'm afraid of them... because I'm so afraid to lose you again... Even when I've made the stupidest mistakes like those (shan't write it here... but you know it very well...), I've always felt so guilty after which, because I've made you feel upset about what I've done.

My only talent is that of writing. Hence, prolly the 2nd best gift that I can leave with you are my words that are dedicated to you.

As pure as white would remain;
As mysterious as silver would portray;
As time would make all colours evanescent -

My love for you shall remain simple and complete;
My love for you would prove itself unblemished;
My love for you is perpetual.

Then you must be wondering why I can no longer leave you the best of me before I go. The reason is pretty simple... because you already have it with you.

And that 'it' is my devotion towards you. It's my dedication to your smile. I may have asked many unnecessary questions this morning, and could've caused you some unnecessary worries... Yet, I'm so dreadfully honest when I'm with you, I'd prolly be unable to hide any of my thoughts from you (other than those that are meant to surprise you).

That's what makes you so special to me... you're not just any partner out there whom many would just love and let love guide them through their relationship. You're a pal to me; a very sweet one too.

There are just so many instances in this society that require me to speak my mind, and that I chose not to. Yet I'm able to share all of my thoughts... even when they're in bits and pieces, you'd be there to string up all these fragments and present them the way I want it to be said. You understood my intentions in life... you understood my way of life and are willing to grab hold of this feeble hand of mine while guiding me out of my darkness.

Yet... I'm still so silent when I'm with you on those... seemingly short hours.

Did you know? That when I held you in my arms, I felt really peaceful and protected?
Did you know? That there are just some stuff that can never be described with words?
Did you know? That I wished time would just stop for those few hours where we spent together?
Did you know? That I'm not that strong after all?

But of course, I'll remain strong as long as I have you by my side.
I used to be driven by my hatred towards this world,
and all it takes is just ONE you... to show me that this world isn't that cruel after all..
All it takes is just ONE you... to love me as much as I would for you...
All it takes is just ONE you... to prove my existence on this planet...
All it takes is just ONE you... to brave through thick and thin with me (even though I might end up shielding all the 'thicks' for you...).

I don't want to return to whom I was before... especially when I'm no longer walking this road alone. In truth, I've never expected anything from you, since day 1... All I wanted then, was to maintain that ever graceful and charming smile that you had hung on that adorable face of yours.

***

I love her to bits.. haha..
Someone who calls and drags my name with her voice...
Someone who calls me a sillyboy.
Someone who calls me by my alternate identity.
and..
Someone who knows and loves the inner me.

2008-12-27T11:38:00.002+08:00

I'm supposed to blog about yesterday, yet it doesn't seem necessary to lay out such a beautiful memory of mine for the world to appraise...

Although, i must admit, I'm currently working on something else... would be hopeful about the results to come.

2008-12-25T22:04:00.003+08:00

Regardless of whatever that happens, I want you to know that, I'm always there, even if you can't see me. I'm always there, beside you, so that you'll never face your troubles alone.

I'm there, in your heart and mind, i'll always be there for you -- never forget that.

***

And the song... I'll change it.. to this..

because we sang it together... over the phone. Even though i sounded bad... even though i forgot the lyrics... at least, we sang together.. and that's all that matters.

2008-12-24T22:55:00.002+08:00

Christmas...
To all whom are merry, be merry.
To all whom are down, be merry.
To all who pursue they're dreams, persevere and be merry.
To all who gave up on them, endeavour and be merry...

To all who read or had read my blog, affect you not, my negativity... and be merry.

2008-12-22T20:05:00.003+08:00

The reason why I'm blogging so frequently is simple... because I haven't had an avenue of speech.. or perhaps my thoughts are just so secretive to be expressed.

Her sadness flows through the chains that bind me to her, I feel it too...

I'm speaking too much, writing too much... and thinking too much.

Wish that life would be simpler... with lesser hurt and grief; with lesser amounts of sadness and 'sulkings'... I could hear her sulking and pouting. Or perhaps.. it was yet again my perception.

Sigh.. I'm sorry.. I feel as if I'm more of a pain than of any help to you...

2008-12-21T22:21:00.003+08:00

We spoke of my areas of research for my magnum opus, or rather, masterpiece. I told her everything, or rather a summarised form, of the topic.

I guess she was or is worried... about what I'm doing with my life? I told her my intent in the study of these two topics. I told her I study it with an open mind and I do not aim to associate myself with any of it. What I'm doing, is to extract all the beneficial teachings of all these unapproved (by the general public) houses of thought.

If I'd wanted to make her feel for me, I could've just told lies... but it was against my principles. To me, knowledge is power, and power breeds influence, and influence thereby allows magnanimity and benevolence to the general public. I shall not state my dream here, for others might deem me occult or heretic. I'm doing this all for the greater good...

But if she'd request me to give up upon my dreams, I'd gladly just... do so. I'll just have to shift them to something more approved, something more recognized, so that she wouldn't feel that I'm an outcast in the society.

What am I thinking nowadays... what am I thinking? Someone tell me how I should feel... Tell me if I should give up my 2 years of research on alchemy... Tell me if I should give up historic controversies... all for someone I love so deeply... it's worth it, no?

Then again.. there's something else that's disturbing me... it is a part of me that I can never give up upon, and that... I can't give up on her as well. Both of them... be it for that great cause, or for her, both of them are my pillars of life. Without them, I'd not be me... That was what happened back then... I wasn't me, all because I chose one over the other.

Please tell me if I should... and tell me if I'm taking things too seriously (or perhaps I am, just because I don't wish to lose anything now...).

I've written it all down... she'd understand my troubles soon...

2008-12-21T01:12:00.003+08:00

This is regarding 201208..

everything happened so naturally again. Before I knew what I was doing, I had already held her hand, even though I had typed that entry yesterday. I wish to know what I'm doing these days, it's as though we were just meant to be (that's just my opinion... it's unimportant), yet the environment doesn't seem very happy with us being together.

***

Before I left the house today, I sent her a text message via my mobile phone. I told her the location as well as the time of our rendezvous (I'd even told her to be 15 minutes late...). Then I put on my rather earth-toned brown linen shirt that my mom had got me from the Island Shop™ as well as those altered Bossini™ black corduroys -- exactly what I wore on the day when we first met in Ngee Ann City, Kinokuniya™ bookstore. I had actually wanted to create this rather friend-like atmosphere so as to make her feel comfy while I struggle to treat her as a friend and only that.

And we met at PageOne™, I spun around as she picked up her pace in approaching me. I said to her, 'Doesn't this scene look familiar to you?'
She replied, 'yea, probably because you're wearing the same shirt.'
With much haste, she spoke again, 'I'm very hungry, can we go eat first?'
I laughed as we proceeded through the aisle before offering my hand for a handshake whilst saying, 'Hi, my name is...'
She thought I was lame, but still played along with me in the end, at least, it did make her smile.
And at that very moment, I was worried about how she was feeling since the abrupt silence I had given her the night before. I was still concerned about her well-being and her emotions.

We headed for Ajisen™ Ramen, she had her spicy miso ramen (which happened to be a dish that I'd always order just to spice up my life... literally) while I had my refillable cup of hot green tea. After finishing her ramen, I passed her another handwritten message that I had written earlier that day, hoping that it would again, bring a smile to her face.

Then we went to a couple of places in the shopping mall itself, and I refused to tell her what our next destination would be, even if she'd ask me so. I tried to maintain that smile on my face, just to prevent from seeing that I've been struggling within me -- I must treat her as a friend and nothing more...

It was only while we were walking on the first floor that I accidentally blurted my thoughts out of my mouth. I said, 'what actually happened last night? I'm really worried about you and I feel so useless as I can only see you sad and that I can't do anything to aid you..'

With much delibration, she finally confided in me (I shall not state it here as it matters the most to me). Without much thought, as if it were natural, I gave her a comforting pat on her right shoulder. And as she had finally concluded her thoughts, my hand had accidentally found its way to hers yet again.

I thought I was going nuts... At that moment, I wanted so much to hold on to it forever, yet I had another voice in me telling me that I should let go before it's too late. After which, it all came back, those memories we had on the 17th during the ball, it was as though we'd start talking like that day again, as if nothing had happened.

Then I logic got the better of me, and I let go of her hand. And the most foolish and unromantic thing to say came out of my mouth with guilt, 'Sorry, I held.. your hand..'

I shoved my hands back into my pocket, hoping that I'd stop thinking about it. I know I've just disturbed her emotions once more, and that shouldn't have been done according to my principles. I want her to be happy, that's all I wanted.

And before I knew it again, we were walking together, side by side and hand in hand. She told me her hands were cold from the air-conditioning of the shopping complex. I told her that I'd grant her the warmth that she'd needed. WHAT WAS I DOING??? I was totally out of my mind, I knew exactly that I had felt for her, yet I have to hide my feelings behind this mask of obscurity...

We headed over to starbucks (as usual), ordered two Iced Signature Chocolates -- one with whipped cream and one without. Then she told me this very sweet story about M&M's. After which, due to me being overly-considerate for the other customers of starbucks whom were looking for a seat, I asked if she wanted to sit somewhere else.. ARGH how very unromantic of me... My stupidity has been so... stupid.

Well, either way, we went to walk by the quayside. The breeze was lovely; the waves seemed calm and resolute. Cruises and ferries buzzed and floated by their berthing spots; the sun hung low in the sky, signifying an end to the day that had passed by so quickly.

We hardly spoke, plain silence filled the air around us. I asked why she was so quiet, and she replied just to ask me that very question. All of a sudden, I spoke of a profound observation of ripples at sea... and after which, she suddenly showed me the root of her grief and sorrows.

I was appalled, how could anyone mistreat her to such an extent. Yet due to my love for her, my magnimity could not have grown any greater than that of then. I held her in my arms as the day came to a close (and why again, had I done so?), I spoke gently and calmly to her,

'I'm sorry, sorry that I'm too late in protecting you from all this misery. But if you'd ever need me, I'm always here for you and I shall always be.'
'Even if you don't feel for me as I would towards you, I'd still be here, waiting for you, guiding you, and shielfing you from all your sorrows. For I've always been a friend of yours to begin with...'

She turned to look at my eyes, which, had already spoken over a few thousand words with just those emotions that filled my eyes. She replied, 'I know.'

Then I spoke, this time with greater confidence, 'You can depend on me, regardless of whatever that might happen, just remember that I'm always here for you. I love you for whom you are and nothing's gonna change that fact.'

I can't really remember much... I was too confused by myself. My contradiction with my entries and such.. I know that deep down in my heart, I'm alive and that I shouldn't hide the fact that I'm still alive. Why should I bother to trouble myself with self-inflicted sorrow when life is inevitably short? If I'd ever have the chance to love, I should go all out for it; I should go all out to love you as someone who'd stick with me forever and not hold back... That would've been unfair to you -- and altruism of mine that would have caused you greater harm.

I'd rather I gave the best of me to you and end up being the one who's hurt in the end if things don't turn up well. Why should I deprive you of such sweetness in life?

***

We were about to leave for the train station when my mom had bumped into me while I held her hand. She loosened her grip on mine slowly while hiding behind me, hoping not to be noticed. I stood very much like a wall, with pride, and spoke to my mom with great solemness, so as to prevent any unnecessary queries from my mom towards her.

As my mom left us. I reached out for her hand once more as we rushed to the underground train station. This time, I knew exactly what I was doing and I knew I did the right thing. I had just proven to my mother that I really do love this lady, and that I'd be determined to overcome any adversity in future.

Before the gantry to the platforms, she thanked me. We exchanged our hugs and I repeated yet again, that I'd be there for her no matter what.

What that had really touched my heart was her saying that she'd not know how she'd carry on if she hadn't had known someone like me. I was glad that.. I don't know.. I just feel glad... Another knot untied.

***

Although I know very well... that... this does not equate to us being together as of yet.
I love her and I still do, this time, to a greater extent...

2008-12-21T00:00:00.002+08:00

She's bringing me on to this extremely exhilarating roller coaster ride where emotions go up and down and up and down and up and down...

Right now.. I'm feeling extremely happy.. i wonder.. when would be the next moment i'd be so hurt again..

But no matter, for it's her smile that I'm pursuing.

2008-12-20T08:23:00.002+08:00

no... I shouldn't have written anything at all... I should have just went to bed... without a word, without speaking my mind... I won't speak my mind anymore... because whenever I do so, more grief would ensue...

I've frowned a lot; I've smiled a lot. All for you.

Since you've decided on what you wanted, I shall abide by it.
Let's start all over again alright? Let's be friends (for you're the one who made me believe that friends existed on this planet).

and I hope that you've read all this before meeting me today.

2008-12-20T01:04:00.001+08:00

please be ok... I'm concerned and worried, very.. so please.. please be ok... I can't bear to see you sad..

2008-12-19T22:44:00.003+08:00

He's too weak to survive on his own.. I should replace him. So that we can both get through this.

I can see his love for her. I can see his fear... of losing her. And before he really does, and before he really dies from loving her... before he starts to make both of us disintegrate from this Earth...

It's time.. It's time for me to step in, to stop his heart from beating, to preserve him.. for her someday.

He has a short lifespan.. and I can't have him to die yet.. If he does, then it'd be pointless for me to go on...

***

It all happened so suddenly.. so abrupt.. so.. very.. helpless of me..

And I laugh at my weakness for believing in love.
And I laugh at my weakness for.. thinking that i was loved.

I'm a novelist, I'm a writer, and an author.

I'm supposed to be able to feel.. What have I become? What have I done to myself?

What have I forced others to do to me?

I no longer speak to myself.. I no longer see myself... again. Why.. why does everyone.. why me?

My head hurts.. and I finally know why. Because I've been hurting myself.. because I never wanted to hurt her. Because... I want to remain as the gentleman who touched her heart that night.

Tonight is the night... the night that many have been awaiting to see...
To see me kill my emotions yet again.. All of you just want to see me as a strong child, all of you.. merely want me to be strong.. I have been, very strong... Why..

Why... does my happiness always comes to an end? Why is it that I always have to deal with self-created false hope... Why are my emotions so selfless towards me as a person?

I want him back. I want my cold and unfeeling corpse back. I want it all back... I'm tired... I've been struggling.. It's time I... rest in peace.

Until you wish to revive me again, I shall remain dead, for the greater good, and at the same time.. to protect you from my altruism.

***

because the both of us... we have and had.. fallen for that same lady. I must.. preserve him.

***

Here's a very short prose in remembrance of him, well it's not as though he's dead or whatnot, he's just cradled away in a safe place for a nice and cosy afternoon nap...

Upon looking at this picture of her and the innocent child smiling so naturally that’s placed on my keyboard, I can only reminisce my cruelty towards that child who wore that white blazer.

I have walked down countless roads of hardship, torture and even that of humiliation. The boy has yet to experience the sin of man at all. I was his role model, his teacher, his idol and most importantly, his respected mentor. I’ve shielded him from the bees of spring, the scorching heat of the summer, the slippery roads of fall and the earthly conditions of winter. I’ve watched over his every action, reaction, initiative and reciprocation. I’ve watched him grow to be whom he should be. I see myself in him. I see a child who was unhurt, unloved, lonely and empty; yet his love for the world is vast, unconditional and undying.

I may be scarred and torn, but this child is a responsibility that I can never set aside. I must fend for him till the very last breath I might draw.

***

‘Pops! Look at that lady! She’s waving at me! Should I wave back at her?’
‘Be wary of those you meet,’ I glanced at her direction just to observe her before allowing giving him the green light.

‘Hello, I’m… Pleased to meet you,’ I spoke, but I wasn’t heard.
The lady smiled at my grandchild.
And without further delay, the boy pierced the air with his high-pitched words.
‘Pops! Jie jie is very nice to me! Can we be friends?’

Friends… I thought to myself, friends… do they actually exist?

‘Go ahead, just don’t get hurt alright?’
The child nodded gleefully and ran off with his newfound friend.

I returned to my humble abode, hoping to take a short break from my rather eventful afternoon. I slept…

***

A few months later, my grandchild came back home with a picture clutched in his hand, and that was the very same picture that I’m staring at now. He seemed extremely joyful in that picture, something that I could never have done for him. I started to regret.

‘Pops, may I fall in love?’ He asked me with much sincerity, and I replied,
‘I don’t know, boy… How much do you know about this lady?’
‘Well, she’s… and… and…’
‘You sound sure,’ I uttered with suspicion, ‘nonetheless, if it makes you happy, then why not?’

The boy let out a cry for joy as he punched the air above him. And he was gone…

***

A few days later, he came back to me, this time, his tears flowed uncontrollably done his cheeks. I was left to gawk at him from my thoughts.

‘What happened, why? Did anyone bully you?’ I enquired with utmost concern, even though I wonder if I knew how felt at that moment.
‘She doesn’t love me… WAHHH!!’
‘It’s ok, dear, it’s alright… I’ll protect you from everyone… from everyone whom might harm you.’
‘How should I feel, Pops??’
‘You should… my dear child, I haven’t had the slightest idea…’ I was puzzled, very much by myself, yet very disturbed by the whole incident.

I could sense the world he had experienced through him, and I know what had caused him such grief. He is only but a child, yet I have failed to protect him from the complexity of this world. In fact, by seeing her being so nice to the boy, I might have also felt for her, sympathized her past, and worried for her future…

‘Let me speak to her,’ with much calmness, I spoke decisively.

***

‘I’m aware of how he feels about you,’ I recited, ‘yet somehow, I feel that he’s not ready to be with you yet. He’s still so pure and distinct and untainted. So very adolescent, the heart of his, for he had only cared for you and not himself.’

‘Yet I fully understand your emotions, and I shall curb his insolence at this very instant. Please do not apologize, for it is very much clear that if things carried on, you might get hurt in the end.’ I paused to catch my breath before continuing.

‘Let me take all the hurt and pain – I’ve been scarred and I’m used to it. Let the boy sleep for now. And that when he’s ready and that you’re ready, I shall revive him for you.’

And I really wonder, if I had done the right thing after all.

***

The boy now sleeps and dreams of the memories he had with her. I watched as time would pass, I yearned to see that smile on his face once more, at least before this frail old body of mine would give way to the forces of nature.

He loves you, and I might have as well.

2008-12-18T10:15:00.005+08:00

I have decided that I should write this before it's too late. I'd never want to forget anything that I'd experienced with you by my side, and I'd never want to regret anything either. So this is just my piece of that memory; a memory that's so rich and romantic (in a sense); a memory that I'd treasure till the end of time (because it's the first time I had loved so deeply, it took an intellectual form that I cannot define... loving you is such a different experience.)

And you once asked if miracles do happen, I said yes. I may not be your miracle, but you, your existence is the greatest evidence there is or was, that a miracle has happened in my life.

Too many things in life come too late for humans to notice before they take their leave.
Too many times humans have only realized that it's too late for regrets and they have regretted.

It was a night that I had always wanted. I've decided to write in a way that only you would understand. So please, bear with me, it won't hurt anyone. No names shall be revealed during my entry and it shall remain that way, because her name would only deserve to linger within my heart and not in this unfeeling and unemotional blog of mine.

***

I've made quite some preparations for the ball last night. Rushed over the the florist's to grab a bouquet of flowers (just a small one, a confession without one would seem.. so very redundant). And then there was this problem with not being a houseguest in a hotel, hence disallowing me to leave my bouquet with the concierge or the er.. reception. Things that I'd do... all for that one smile.

I arrived at her place to pick her up for the ball. She was exceptionally beautiful that night (she's already attractive without having to doll herself up..). Everything she did seemed to exude this certain elegance.. and while we were making our way to our destination.. I'd really wished that I could muster up sufficient courage to reach out to take her hand... yet at that very moment, the migraine had hit me really bad, and I'm sorry that I couldn't tell you anything about it, all because I never wanted you to be worried about me.

We arrived, things were going as planned, I deposited my bouquet in the changing room upstairs before we took a stroll by the marina. She embraced my arm (right arm), and well, I thought it openly as that of an appropriate behaviour for a date. And I really wondered why my hand had found its way to hers. Somehow, it just did and she didn't prevent that. I had much to say, yet I merely told her that suspense is necessary to spice up our lives (she reminded me that she didn't like thrillers/suspense, I went ok...). Dinner preceded and we went to the ballroom for the necessary activities.

After some appreciation of talents on stage (the accapella, the illusionist's performance as well as the jazz band's performance), there was finally a window where I could ask her out to the marina again. I left her at the pier/berth, went up to collect the bouquet, and came down by the semi-spiral staircase (everything seemed... so drama-ish). I know that my methods seem very old-fashioned and.. ancient, just bear with me alright? She said that it was very unlike me to be so secretive towards her. I just replied that I've always been this way (which is the truth!!)

I hid the bouquet behind my back, even though I knew she had already took a glimpse of whatever that I held. As I walked up towards her, my heart was pounding, yet I took no heed of it. Then I presented this tiny bouquet to her. It merely contained 2 lavender roses as well as some other 'salad dressings' that came with it. And at that very instance, I told her that I liked her and passed her this 2-paged handwritten er.. wouldn't say that it's a poem of some sort.. but.. quite similar to that. It was about my wishes for the both of us, as well as how I truly felt about being with her.

She hugged me, and she whispered to my ear -- she wasn't ready... I replied, 'I can wait for you.'

We stared into each others eyes, and she said something that made me... feel rather hurt about. She said that if I'd wait too, then she'd have too many guys waiting for her..
Nonetheless, I steered back to positivity... because there's no way I can turn back from this love. I know I'm being obstinate or fixed, but that just goes to show my sincerity towards her.
So we walked on, hand in hand to the nearest cemented portion of the berth (I didn't want her heels to get caught between the planks again.. It's sort of like.. everything about her matters now, and that I'd just want to protect and shield her from everything that would harm her..). I sang for her, and I know that I'd not sing for anyone unless they hold an important position in my heart.

The song ended, she was touched by my actions... I felt blue yet happy at the same time. I was lost... I knew that everything... everything would disappear after that night, and I feared it... badly. So much that even if tears would well up in my eyes, I feared that she'd see how hurt I was, how hurt my mind had caused me to be. And as my fingers would tremble while I type this entry... I'd still carry on doing so, I don't wish to forget... I don't wish to die again. I have been so emotionless since then... and it was because of her, that I've been revived... dying is such a painful process.

We continued to hold hands. We took a bus that was catered for. We went to a place where we felt that should be the most 'correct' place to go. And as we made our way to our destination, many thoughts had raced through my mind, and that I must admit that I'm selfish to begin with. At one moment, I'd really wish that she could be with me, and at the next instance, my altruism gets the better of me and allows me to stay alive while I mete out the noble acts... Because love is selfish to begin with, yet love is noble to negate the selfish desires.

We sat at the riverbank for hours, I took of my blazer and placed it over her shoulders as she was feeling rather... cold from the night breeze. She leaned against me as I embraced her in my arms, and we both admired the lights of the city at night. I explained to her about lavender roses and what they actually symbolized -- love at first sight. Yet, in my perspective, I really did love her at first sight, as in.. not just the physical appearance -- she had an inner beauty that was so very magnetic. Her eyes were so beautiful and communicative... it was as though she could see whom I really was on our first meeting (at that point in time when we first met, I was still very analytical and skeptical about certain stuff, due to my extensive research on the human behaviour, I tend to use my brain to understand people rather than use my heart to seek out the emotions.. which was totally.. wrong..)

Then she asked me if I'd do the same for her if she were already attached, I decided to type my answer after this entry (you may read it at the bottom). Then I started to talk about me leaving her so that I won't disturb her emotions if she were attached... And she told me that she'd chain me up and keep me by her side (SIGH, what can I say...)

The breeze was rather.. strong.. I was feeling cold as well, but it didn't matter at all. As long as I have her by my side, I'll always put her as my first priority. It never occurred to me that I'd have to fend for myself... all I knew was her... I held her closer to me so that it would grant her more of my warmth... and I whispered thoughtfully, 'I love you.'

It all happened so naturally. Everything, it was as though we were already a couple to begin with. And everything just ended... this morning... right after I saw that last smile when she had waved me goodbye and goodnight. I knew that it's time for me to rest in peace again, although now I do know... That I really loved her, and that when she's ready to walk this road in life with me, she'd revive me from my grave that's now lacking of the care and concern that I've yearned for.

***

Since then, when we first met, I felt that you were special. And that I've always wanted to give you the best of me, but I held back because I was aware that you'd suffer if I'd ever fall into a relapse. Remember the time when we bickered and I sorta pissed you off with some 16-liner? Actually, I knew I had feelings for you then, it was just that I couldn't bring myself to let you suffer for my sake. Just by the thought of having you to face someone as sickly as me.. I can't have that, hence I decided to drive you away (because I thought it would be better if I could just take all of it for my own.) then I realized that I was wrong and you were badly hurt by that argument... so I tried sending you another 12-liner as an apology... but to no avail. I was really sorry then, even though I had the greater good in mind.

And anyways, if you'd ever forget what my answers were to some of your questions... I shall restate them here.. (If my memory doesn't fail me)

1. If I were attached, would you still do the same for me?
ans: I'd still give you a bouquet of flowers as gratitude for being my date for that night.. otherwise, I believe that I should respect your partner and I should definitely respect you and your emotions, if I loved you, I wouldn't want to put you through such a mess.

***

After our date we had last night... I realized that I'm as healthy as I can be, when I'm with you, because you're the miracle cure that I've found. Or rather, it is all arranged in such a manner that I have to meet you at this... point in life. Just remember me as much as I would remember you. Remember the times that we had spent together, and never forget that I loved you and I still do.

2008-12-16T00:57:00.002+08:00

Things aren't right for him, yet he should persevere.
Just because, he's the only one who should do so..
Just because, everyone would obstruct his endeavors.
Just because, I absorbed his pain.
Just because, I am willing to carry on this altruism...

Both of us... he and I, are one. We are me, and I am us.
I must... I shall.. endure, and stay alive.
He must... he should.. persevere, and stay happy.

2008-12-08T14:21:00.003+08:00

i'm not lonely anymore, and i wonder yet again.. if this was merely a dream.

Perhaps it might just be indeed... why the disturbance? Have i died for too long? So much that i've forgotten the feelings that i should possess when there's someone to trust?

Or.. Perhaps it's just another facade, another dose of the ever deadly vaccine to keep my immunity towards humans in check.

MY FOOLISHNESS COULD'VE GOTTEN THE BETTER OF ME

SO VERY ABSTRACT, THE WORLD OF MAN...

2008-12-08T02:07:00.003+08:00

Abstraction

The college seemed deserted with its minute student count that remained to participate in the night study programme in preparation for the upcoming Promotional exams. Isaac was one of the few who decided to utilize this duration in an attempt to clinch the monetary reward for good progress in his academics. He strolled briskly towards his locker with a thick stack of books that he carried with both hands. Isaac was a rather short male to begin with and that the weight of the books had caused him to hunch his back to such an extent – one would almost recognize Isaac as his disabled classmate.

‘29, 10, 24,’ Isaac thought loudly to himself as he unlocked the combination lock on his locker.

The locker was a metal niche that looked very much like those in the columbarium. The only difference was that the hinged locker door had a tinge of chrome and was secured to the niche itself by a PROSPEC™ combination lock.

‘Hey, Isaac!’ A voice had called out to him from behind, ‘having trouble unlocking your locker again?’

His classmate, Julian, had approached with a steady pace from the central stairs and finally reached him before chattering on, ‘now, seriously, looks can be deceiving – these combination locks look really new and lustrous on the outside, yet probably rusty and clink-ish on the inside, don’t you think so? Now about today… …’ Julian went on with his usual ‘naggery’ while Isaac had politely feigned ignorance to his words. He had already tried to unlock his lock for the third time before it sprung open with ease.

‘Thank goodness,’ Isaac muttered under his breath, hoping that his classmate would not hear his words, ‘I could’ve been stranded here with all these “cruel” texts.’

With that, he unloaded his weight within the locker, which was now neatly filled with textbooks and files from the lessons before. Isaac closed the door of his locker gently and replaced the lock. He heaved a long and woeful sigh before treading towards the cafeteria for a short “tea break”. As usual, Julian followed on with his jittering until they sat down on the polished plastic stools that surrounded a similarly coloured table. He then enquired, ‘Isaac, whacha drinking? Are you gonna remain in school for the night study thingy tonight? Well, if you are, take care dude, things aren’t what they seem in the dark…’

A solemn look had taken over the smile upon Julian’s face, he seemed serious with his words, even through his undying light-hearted tone of speech, ‘I’ve heard many supernatural occurrences in this compound during our term here in this college…’

Isaac had no qualms in taking his advice, he had never believed in the existence of ethereal beings. He quickly finished the ice blended mocha before leaving the table to collect his books yet again from the locker. He had decided to start work earlier than usual today.

***

He had worked diligently in an empty classroom before leaving to deposit his books back into the locker. The college appeared to be rather creepy at nightfall. The moon emitted a yellowish glow, thus causing the unlit corridors to be darker than usual on bright moonlit nights.

Isaac walked alone along the lonely corridor. The college had so little students that it seemed almost possible to hear the tinkling of a needle when it would be dropped onto the floor. As he had done so, he could hear his footsteps echo towards the ends of the corridor as well as some other minor disturbances – he hastened his pace; his only wish was to get out of that corridor as soon as possible before his insecurity gets the better of him.

After emerging from the corridor to a now well-lit cafeteria, he dragged his lifeless feet to his locker.

’29, 10, 24, darn, not again!’

The lock had failed to click open once again. With much frustration, he tried to force it open with his fingernails, of which the tissue beneath his pressured nails had started tearing apart, hence bleeding had ensued. Strangely, at the same instance, the lock had clicked itself open magically. Isaac stared at the unusual phenomenon with disbelief as he endured the intense pain that now took over his senses. Dark and red, his blood had dripped from both of his thumbs and index fingers, which landed on the well-dozed cement floor silently.

Without further ado, Isaac rushed himself to the nearest toilet while leaving his locker open. He knew the risk of leaving it unlocked, however, he could not bear the fact that he would have to re-open the lock if it were locked.

‘What troublesome locks! Totally inhumane… well, it’s not human to begin with,’ with a slight grin, he stared at his reflection in the mirror. He looked pretty much like a geek, just that he was not equipped with a pair of spectacles. He had a fringe that hung lifelessly to his nose if left uncombed, not quite an acceptable hairdo in an esteemed college. His college uniform was neatly tucked into his black trousers, with a college badge that was pinned up smartly on his left collar.

Suddenly, the door had swung open violently and hit the wall with a thump. Julian stood at the doorway with his spectacles undone and his shirt tucked out.

‘Oh hello, Julian, you startled me,’ Isaac swerved about just in time to notice his classmate, ‘I thought you weren’t supportive of the night study programme?’

‘I was worried…’

Existence

Julian and I left the college as soon as I dumped my books into that wretched locker. He did not say a word about what he did during the night study programme; he just kept quiet as we walked the stretch of road out to the bus stop together. For the sake of curiosity, I initiated the conversation, ‘hey, Julian, why the sudden silence? You don’t seem very well at the moment…’

Julian let out a controlled sob, tears were present in his eyes, yet he continued to remain silent. He started to increase his pace now, it seemed apparent that he was determined to reach the bus stop as fast as his legs could carry him. I felt a light breeze coming our way as we both picked up speed -- the breeze was a cold one, it was one that could send the chills down one’s spine – without much doubt, the night outside our college was certainly uninviting.

We reached the bus stop within minutes and Julian had already boarded the first bus that arrived. He did not even bother to bid me goodbye – he just left without a word – leaving me to ponder if I had done anything wrong to incur any wrath to our 6-year friendship.

I made my way home on the usual bus service that I took from school. Well, due to my inherent laziness, I had refused to flag for the bus as there was always someone who would take the same bus as I would. Everything seemed wrong that day though, the RFID scanner on the bus did not seem to work at all, regardless of how I had tried to place my RFID tagged student pass on the reader.

‘Well, if the driver did not notice that I haven’t paid for the fee, I could possibly sneak past him and take a free ride home!’ I thought gleefully to myself and made my way to the back of the bus where most of the empty seats were located.

Not long after, I had finally disembarked from the bus, and made my way home – only to realize that the main door was left open and that everyone was asleep already. I checked my watch for the time – 01 33 hrs. Plagued by fatigue, I immediately made a beeline for the shower and prepared for bed.

I slept only to believe that the next day would be a better one.

Abstraction

Isaac had been awoken in the middle of the night by a familiar noise of scribbling in the main toilet. He was still in his state of grogginess; his eyes were still rather sore from all that late night studying at college. He checked his bedside clock for the time – 04 13 hrs. Scrambling for his lamp that sat on his bedside desk, Isaac fumbled and swept several of his ornamental displays onto the wood-tiled floor. He hurriedly turned on his lamp and gawked with disbelief at what he had just seen.

All of his books that stacked upon his table had been removed, the only things that were left upon it were a pathetically dirty pen holder as well as a dusty calendar. He then realized that his mattress no longer donned on the bed sheet that he had slept on. What that had been a navy blue sheet dotted with yellow stars had now been changed to a pistachio green sheet with many cutesy sheep that pranced around the field as depicted.

However, his curiosity towards the scribbling had still bugged him more than the astonishing change that he had witnessed in his room. Isaac tiptoed stealthily towards his bedroom door and twisted its knob as gently as he could so as to prevent and interruption to what he was about to discover.

As he inched his way to the common toilet, of which the light had remained on to ensure that one would still be able to find one’s way to the toilet during the night, he could hear the tap running at full blast. The toilet door appeared to be ajar and hot steam had billowed out into the area around it. Isaac plucked up his courage and pushed the toilet door open.

To his surprise and utter disgust, he saw a woman sitting on the toilet bowl in her pajamas, and that she was scribbling with all her might onto a pad of writing paper with a purple Pilot™ mechanical pencil. Her hair was unkempt with eyes that were lifeless and bloodshot. Tears had ran down her now pale cheeks and dripped onto the writing pad, causing further wear and tear in the soggy script she had held in her arm. The floor was strewn with all of Isaac’s books as well as research materials. The mirror was now completely covered with condensed water vapor from the vaporized hot water that ran from the tap. Just by taking a glimpse at the mirror, Isaac noticed that there were lines of words written by a bloodied fingertip. It read: “IT’S HIM! IT’S HIM! IT’S HIM! …”

On the glass that separated the rest of the toilet from the shower cubicle, 8 numbers were written yet again, in huge font, by the same bloodied finger: “6522 9836”. Isaac was confused; he felt the heat from the steam as he stepped into the toilet to examine the mysterious writings. It was then, when he stared at the bloodied words, that he realized that he could not see his reflection in the foggy mirror that stood before him. All he could make out was his mother, who was now seated on the toilet bowl, scribbling away with a mechanical pencil that was held by the fingers that were stained with blood.

Isaac was stunned by what he had seen. He merely stood rooted to the mat in the toilet, unable to digest whatever he had just recognized. He spun around once again to stare at his physical mom who was frantically flipping through one of his research journals. Just then, something at the corner of his eye had caught his attention. The interactive clock-calendar displayed a foreign date that stated “29-10-2009”.

‘MOMMY! WAKE UP FROM THIS MADNESS! DON’T SCARE ME, WHERE’S DADDY? WHY?’

Isaac called out in vain, no one heard him, and all of a sudden, it all made perfect sense to him.

Existence

I need to recount what happened that day, on the 28th of October, 2007. I decided to stay with my mother, instead of leaving the toilet to think of what happened that night during the night study programme. I closed my eyes, hoping that it would remind me of the events that had taken place when Julian entered the toilet back then.

I was washing my hands to rid off the blood that stained my hands from that cursed lock. Julian came busting into the toilet with a rather punk-ish look. He told me he was worried and started to limp towards my direction. I showed him some concern and asked, ‘what happened to your leg? You look rather shaken…’

He stopped moving and moaned in pain, ‘you, I warned you not to remain here!’

Julian moved closer to my location; I edged backwards towards the white-tiled walls of the toilet and stuttered in reply, ‘W-What are y-you try-ying to do?’

‘I have come to claim your life for being such a smug and arrogant brat! You’ve always been the teachers’ favourite student, everyone’s been so neglected and yet, you have not shown any compassion to any of us, and now you’re asking me if I’m all right? CUT THIS HYPOCRISY OF YOURS!’

I edged further back, hoping to find something for self-defence, and I found it; it was a short wooden pole with a sharpened end in the janitor’s closet. I waved the pole at the attacker, hoping to deter his offense. At the same instance, out of sheer clumsiness, I had accidentally hit the fluorescent lamp case that was half-decapitated, as such, it came collapsing down on me and my lights went out.

***

I opened my eyes and I was back in the common toilet at home. I saw how much my mom loved me. So much that she had wanted to fulfill my lifelong dream to write about my ideals.

I saw the guilt of a classmate who made the mistake of playing a prank on me just because I’ve failed to believe his gossips about the supernatural occurrences at college.

I saw me, in peace, being pronounced brain dead for a eminent blood clot in my brain that had sealed off all of the functions of my nervous system. I had died then, but my body still lies in the cold room of the ICU, waiting to rot away.

But of course, I didn’t recognize those numbers… were they yours?

2008-11-29T22:11:00.005+08:00

Existence

I had spoken to a stranger for the whole of the week that had just been engulfed by time. It exuded an aura -- an aura that seemed so authentic and original -- and yet, this stranger never bothered to speak of his feelings to me.

I had recalled vividly the times that we had spent in those grueling sessions of aimless verbal sparring; I had also reminisced the moments of hatred and fear that was engraved bitterly in our hearts. He was, indeed, one heck of a guy with a heck of a problem.

He sat alone by my bedside while staring blankly at a cream coloured wall that was very much stained by months of dirt and such. He was a peculiar chap; the stranger had always lingered wherever I went, regardless of my attitude that was displayed to shun his presence. It had been years since I met him, but only recently had he started to speak to me.

He was about my age, perhaps a little younger than me, and he'd tell me all about his thoughts whenever I felt disturbed by my surroundings. He was a wise figure for his age, always speaking of ancient lore and what we could learn from the mistakes of the past.
With a dazed look, he stared back at me the other day, and muttered, 'the world is vast with sinners, an abundance; I have seen much, and so have you,' he paused to stare at the wall yet again and continued without looking back, 'you chose a path of no return; a belief that no sage or savant had ever treaded upon, yet you have failed yourself -- you have failed me...'

I was startled by his choice of words. It was so very much like that of what a prophecy would reveal to fortune-tellers in their 'pirated' crystal balls of blasphemy. I was staring out through the window at that moment when he cocked his head to pierce me with those brown, lifeless pupils. All of a sudden, tears had welled up within the tiny facets of his eyes. His expression had broken into a frown of sympathy and angst...

***

Abstraction

He rose to his feet and dragged them heavily across the bedroom floor to his work desk. Tears had ran dry from his now sunken and swollen eyebags while his mind was still groggy over those disturbing words. He remained in silence as he fished out an A4-sized hard-cover book from his bag and placed it on the table top. It was supposed to be a decorated asset that he possessed, and it certainly was decorated -- wrapped with brown paper with some coded language that was handwritten on its front cover back then.

My head hurts, he thought, but I must continue writing, to fulfil my dreams and to speak a language that the world would understand.
Without a delay, he picked out a blue Pilot™ ballpoint pen from his black cylindrical pencil case and held it within his right hand before muttering, 'please grant me the inspiration to carry on.'

*Silence*

It came; the breeze of emotions whirled within his mind -- he had to pen it down at once!

The songs I sang, a monotone;
For my life that's left alone.
A future to me was shone;
Emotions tattered, torn, unknown

If only he had known; if only he had realized the identity of the companion he had till now... He would have probably been unable to compose lines anymore.

***

Existence

I was staring at him, and that he was me, staring straight back at me; from the mirror

2008-10-16T16:17:00.003+08:00

Abstraction

The monitor flickered to life as the boy translated the mouse to its new position. He stared gravely at its alluring wallpaper that has been forcibly displayed upon the desktop, then heaved a sigh that was very much empty in a way. He spun around to observe the room he had entered -- nope, there was no sign of any other 'homos' visible within its boundaries. With much effort, the chair was being dragged from underneath the wooden table. The boy inspected his chair meticulously before placing his trust upon the chair to support his weight...

Well he wasn't overweight, that's for sure. He's just dreadfully cautious when it comes to new environments.

'Eh, boy, no games hor,' the middle-aged librarian hollered with 'much' discretion.
'Yes, Ma'am.'

*** shall continue as of such later ***

Bleak.. absolutely so, hence this entry shall be discontinued..

2008-10-14T07:43:00.003+08:00

It all suddenly seems so bleak now, the intense line that separates reality from abstraction. I've met up with this 'stranger' twice now, and have been neglecting my abstraction for that purpose.. Yet there isn't exactly any strong reason that's apparent in its current state -- I'm still viewing the stars as if they shone light that was meant to be seen long ago.. the light that's of the prehistorically 'dead' stars. (should i explain this further? nah.. figure things out yourself, you're smart enough.)

And with much unknown effort, I've accidentally stumbled upon some additional knowledge. Somehow, truth would only seem as evil as i would believe it to be. I should've known that my curiosity would kill me someday, of which it almost did the day before. The 'sudden death' effect of knowledge was definite and unavoidable -- because humans, we all are.

I must note, however, emotions cannot hide themselves from the crowd. They would eventually seep out from the cold exteriors of any individual who chose to hide them. And the result would be? Yes, a rather formidable amount of regret and suspicion.

That's happening now.. real and abstract at the same time. I shall continue this another day.. this post is utterly directed to someone.. of which i doubt that person would be able to understand it either. We shall see about that though..

2008-09-30T21:51:00.002+08:00

I really wish to see.. the world that's repristinated.. So that i can live a life that's.. alive.. instead of WHAT I AM NOW!! I see the sins that humans have created once again.. and i've ignored many times over. Why must life be thus sour for someone who wishes for perfection? I've been striving to be the best that i can be... so as to not sin like the rest of them.. and yet.. today, another glass had shattered from within.

The world is just too full of themselves.. They can no longer hear me, no longer hear one another. All they care is what they do and what they want to do. If they don't get what they want, or rather, if they feel inferior in any extent, they blame it on others for not attaining their dreams. Why.. why must thou suffer thee fate of having to face these uncooperative homos?

***

A child that's been stuck in a snowstorm out in the field.. Shivering and starving.. He's all alone.. But he knows very well that he's got to carry on with that life.. He's determined to survive the storm.. yet.. He's exhausted..

***

I shan't say that's me.. but.. that was crafted out of my imagination of a lonesome child who's in such a predicament..

2008-09-21T18:37:00.002+08:00

15 minutes to book in. I should be writing something short (which i might actually..) heh.. There's so much to write about, yet there's just too little time.

Too many events occuring at critical timings that seem so.. disordered. Perhaps.. i should be more tactful.. but i.. i'm engulfed by my research. There's just so much knowledge to absorb at the moment; there's not much to heed about the sensitivities.. I'm rather lost.. but i've decided to tread upon this path of life of which i might lose my sanity to. The conduct of my research has reached a stage where i'm no longer able to reverse the flow of time (not literally, but yes..)

"Repristination" was written so that i could.. reverse the fate of spilt milk.. that of shattered glass; that of burnt food.. anything.. any change that would seem or is irreversible.. And now.. I've finally been able to apply that to myself.. yet.. the more i dwell within the revival of a past happiness, i start to sense the road back to the present collapse on itself. There was no way back. I've treaded on a road of no return.

I must go.. at least to pursue the life in the past.. at least to live than die in the present.

2008-09-14T17:32:00.002+08:00

much as i'd have expected.. there was nothing more that's left between them. A sad story i'd say.. nonetheless, it's rather joyous for several individuals. Certain artefact remain in his possesion, he needs to free himself from a misery that's been haunting him -- a memoir of his fairytale gone bad. But of course, there was none but one method to relieve him of his predicament. Shalt thou reveal the fate of thee?

I yearn to see his freedom from imprisonment. His efforts to reconcile (or did he? haha.. i must be inquisitive for that one.. for i'd never know what he would presumably do) would seem to no avail. Quite sadistic of me, but plague that saps on to my very existence seeks to harm itself.

nonsense? is that nonsense that i'm saying? nah.. only she would be able to understand. An encryption that would only allow the directed person to understand. That's my specialty.

I've read, heard, and saw with my existence, the distance that's between them through all that drifting and lack of communication. It's not really his fault.. for she knew that he doesn't like to talk at all. (undoubtedly, he'd still think he's at fault.. due to.. _____ <-- this she'd be able to fill as well)

alright.. shan't say much, got much to do. certainly... a certain fact that is.. he's not ready at all.

2008-08-03T18:24:00.001+08:00

The world seems so.. strange.. or is it me who's being so abstract..

2008-06-29T15:29:00.002+08:00

洋葱

如果你眼神能够为我片刻的降临
如果你能听到心碎的声音
沉默的守护着你
沉默的等奇迹
沉默的让自己像是空气

大家都吃着聊着笑着今晚多开心
最角落里的我笑得多合群
盘底的洋葱像我永远是调味品
偷偷的看着你
偷偷的隐藏着自己

如果你愿意一层一层一层的剥开我的心
你会发现你会讶异
你是我最压抑
最深处的秘密
如果你愿意一层一层一层的剥开我的心
你会鼻酸你会流泪
只要你能听到我
看到我的全心全意

听你说你和你的他们暧昧的空气
我和我的绝望装得很风趣
我就样一颗洋葱
永远是配角戏
多希望能与你有一秒专属的剧情

2008-06-29T13:12:00.002+08:00

No inspiration.. Where's my inspiration?? I need to find it.. There are so many things to write about.. and yet i just can't seem to phrase them as of yet. I can't find my inspiration..

***

She called, I answered.. the same way as i would answer a call from anyone else.. There was no longer that.. warmth that i would give (even i felt cold as i heard my voice). I sounded.. dead.. Or was i? Back then.. when i had nothing.. was i dead?

***

I need my inspiration to carry on.. It's time to seek it once again.

2008-06-27T18:18:00.002+08:00

ok.. let's see now.. so many things happened this week.. including the passerby who ahem.. gave the djinni some comments. I'll take it.. and i'll answer it. so please read.. and please.. use some of that brain juice of yours.. in order to understand what i'm writing, please please.. do not jump to conclusions. How'd you know what i mean in my writing when you're not there to observe the plot? ok.. nvm, that would be the case, but i don't like your tone (because when you say no offence, you didn't seem as if you mean it, hence i shall adopt a defensive stance against your views, if you please..)

****

Right.. i seem to be too simple in my writing these days.. such that even passers-by have something to say about me. hmm.. but that would officially be the last post that i would be writing in that manner. This fragile foundation of my world has been shaken, i must strengthen it.

*****

I have much to rebut, but i shan't do so. It all seems unnecessary anyway. Do i know this passerby? haha.. perhaps? but if that's the case.. then i guess it's time to judge.. hehe.. although i've not done that for a long time.. it harms my health.. hoho.. pardon me.

Dreams of the morrow await;
Seek it thus; let truth be just.
No longer shalt thee faith be fickle;
No longer shalt thee courage falter.
Send forth thy cluster of might;
Firm and defined thou truth be nigh...

tell me what you understand.. Passerby.. Speak in my language if you dare.

2008-06-22T15:35:00.002+08:00

The Plot Thickens...

Hmm.. i.. don't know. haha.. just a few minutes ago, someone i used to talk to during my council days tried to ask of a favor from me.. haha.. she contacted me just to ask me of a favor.. how pathetic. humans.. pathetic.. including.. me.

I met this childhood friend yesterday.. we chatted for the whole evening (and.. i don't really talk much.. she just managed to filled up most of the silence within me)... haha.. and.. our parents also chatted for the whole duration as well. Well-mannered, polite, kind.. there was nothing else i could ask for.. she was like the best there is (at least my mom thinks so).

Perhaps it could be me who's fabricating stories.. (since i've always been living in my own world.. whether if it was with you or whatnot.. but.. but.. this person woke me up..) Finally i see that someone is able to criticise humans as much as i do.. All humans are pathetic.. except the bunch of family that we are surrounded with.. (the fact that you didn't stand up and fight alongside with me.. it meant that you were weak.. and i merely didn't want to force you any further..) Love is like a game of decisions.. 1 mistake and it's gone forever. To tell you the truth.. i knew that repristination will never happen, and even if it did, I wouldn't be able to trust you anymore.. because you failed me. (It was a test for you.. because i know.. that my future will be fraught with many troubles.. and if you weren't strong enough.. i guess you'd probably run away and leave me dying.. haha..)

I'm not comparing people. That childhood friend of mine.. she has a similar background as i do.. how much have you gone thru? how much after effects did you suffer? will you know? no.. She was firm with her beliefs at a very young age.. just like i was. Because i had nothing to lose... IT WAS BECAUSE I HAD NOTHING TO LOSE AT ALL.. (you shouldn't have considered so many factors.. because it all led to our failure to preserve that relationship)

I seem to be using my blog to communicate with you.. haha.. fine.. i shall break the promise of the 9 months thingy i imposed 3 months ago. But then again.. would you want to hear everything instead of reading them? i'm unsure.. I hate to see people cry.. so dun make me.

I want to test you on something.. i believe i haven't asked you this personality test..
If there's a horse out in the meadows.. and a storm strikes.. what will the horse do?

Be honest.. because i'd expect you to say that the horse would run away. If it doesn't then you'd be lying. This test basically tells how you'd react in times of troubles with your partner.

Am i right? the horse would run away... but mine wouldn't.. i stood by you, i assured you that nothing would happen.. you just kept pouring that bucket of water on me.. making me look bad in front of your parents.. hahaa.. but that's alright.. because.. i'm finally free enough to seek dreams of the morrow. I hope you would be freed from the misery you caused for yourself.

Is that sarcasm from me? all humans are pathetic... i won't want you to be one.. so please read.. and after you read.. please be prepared.. for a surprise coming your way. (that would.. perhaps be my last surprise for you..)

oh.. and if you were wondering why i took so long to come up with this post (approx 3 months rite? since the separation..) I was waiting.. waiting for you to say something.. i was trying to give you a second chance.. to say something..

Did you know? I've been thinking of you all this while? yes.. but how about you? How many times have i treaded upon your blog read about me within your entries? barely 50% of them..
And then you might say that i'm childish, writing all this crap.. but who cares? i can be.. very childish.. because.. i don't know where's my childhood.. I don't know.. haha.. but it doesn't matter to you anyway.. since we would be talking on the phone sometime soon.. for what? to sort out some other issues such as outprocessing and chapter closing.

It's high time i ended my existence within you (or perhaps it has already been fading away silently... haha.. dun lie to me..)

I did everything for you.. and i'm making the same mistake.. because i'm too nice. haha.. hahahaha.. we'll be talking soon enough yea? ciaoz..

2008-06-19T21:27:00.002+08:00

just broke free.. and i knew that life would be better for you.. hence.. hhaa.. he should thank me for my decision. People should move on.. when some things should not plague the happy memories of the past.. people should..

Sigh.. currently very busy.. will write more soon

2008-06-12T20:53:00.002+08:00

So many people are dying off these days... i wonder when would it be my turn. And as i continue to type in this ever relaxed manner, more people are being reaped by the dark scythe; life seems so much of a boredom to take.

Have you read? HAVE YOU READ THE NEWS? hmm.. haha.. hahahahaa.. i believe that the revenge has only just begun.

tsk tsk.. why am i writing all these.. but the truth is there.. lesser people alive.. lesser people to take my place.. More people will know that i exist.. but why? Why do i write?

Why do i keep writing... why am i writing.. i love to write.. why should i stop writing then? no.. i stopped for a pretty long while. Who's at fault... me.. me.. me.. me.. me..... haha.. hahaha.. HAHAAHAHA MEEEEMEMEMEMMEMEEMME!!!

"always me..."

You think i'm insane? You really think i'm insane? What makes you think so? and.. why? Am i supposed to be sane in your eyes?? If i'm insane.. then everyone else would be as well.. haha.. hahahaha.. EVERYONE ELSE!!

I no longer write sense.. I want to write sense. but.. I guess, it's nonsense... my memories? NONSENSE!! I don't remember.. what do i want to remember? why do i recall? why do i feel remorseful.. because it's my fault.. i.. killed.. myself...

He wanted to call you so much. but i stopped him.. hahahahaa.. because he's killing me, and humans are selfish by nature.. aren't they? I merely followed how humans behave.. because he's one.

what 'dreams of the morrow shall unfold'? All BULLSHIT!! I've written nothing but junk.. Repristination is just a dream. There was never a chance to return to its original state. I told him so many times.. it was a dream.. and it'll always be. I speak nothing but the truth. I despise humans. Yet he fell in love with one.

Shall i count? Count the number of times i had destroyed myself? Who are you? I don't know you... I was the one who decided to hermitize myself. I do not want to be influenced by that lovelorn freak i've just murdered.

"Still and stagnant lay the soul to be eaten;
Ravaged and ripped were memories that drifted."
***********************************************************************
He's calling out to you now.. he misses you. Yet you can only see me.. reeking with the scent of blood that had dematerialized long ago.. my blood.. hahahaha.. Can you feel my pain?

no.. not at all. i know.. i know that after writing this post.. it's over between us. hahaa.. is it.. ahahaaha.. i'll tell you why... because you said.. a crack cannot be mended regardless of how you try to make it look good.. the crack will still REMAIN. That struck me.. When he was mindlessly living in his world blinded by love, i realised... that i'm still that perfectionist. How can i trust again?

As a friend maybe.. as a friend.. if i can trust you again.. just a friend. Because i believe.. i'm not worthy of you with this wicked character of mine... he was fictional. Someone that i created just for you. You don't know me... no one does. Even i was tricked by love.. well done.. hahaaaa.. well done..

2008-06-08T13:12:00.002+08:00

It's been quite some time now... about 2 months? We left each other 2 months ago, or was that the case? Or was i the one who left? or perhaps... she was? I can't.. figure out.

I may have moved on physically, yet he's still there questing for his memories. I must save him, yet I'm unable to enter his world. In his time and space, if i weren't to forget... was it 060408? Time is the barrier; time is the key; time... why is it hindering my advance?

If there were someone to blame, it would be me, not him. He's constantly grasping on to that final breath of life that would sustain him, whereas here i am, scrutinizing and criticising on his every move. Here i am, writing this entry... for you to save him. Ain't i kind? or not... I despise him. he's holding back my ambitions; he's destroying my bright future. If i kill him, all will end pretty well for the both of you eh?

"Two lovers seek truth in the light of sunset;
Who knows not how harsh that life could be?
Acquaintances show the smiles of living dead;
Rotten apples fall with regret...

Two lovers with forever as their promise;
Yet words of a promise gain no trust.
One prefers preservation,
One prefers continuation...
A world that abhors us presumably...?

Two lovers separated as such;
So much pain; so much sorrow --
Regret speaks an unfamiliar tongue.
I partake my opportunity;
Excited yet collected --
The time for execution has arrived..."

You can't save him... You musn't.. So that i can soar. I've forgotten your number, he remembered them all. The reason why you're so familiar.. is because he still loves you. But i'm different... I don't love, I don't hate -- I'm a figment of his memory that has destroyed the rest of him. Only i can save him.

Stay out of my way. I don't need you to survive. Although deep down inside... he still loves you.

2008-05-11T18:25:00.001+08:00

20 minutes to book in.. I start to ponder. will she forget me? haha.. i guess so..

2008-05-04T14:39:00.002+08:00

I feel nothing.. but.. tsk.. nevermind that..

I hereby present to you my latest work..

Repristination

Act I

Servants of thy souls;
Do you not hear?
Do you not speak?
Hath torture embraced thy dreams;
Hath faith granted thy purpose –
Shalt thine fail thou, a silent will?

Resonance enters discreetly;
Creeping, crawling, prowling –
The assassin doesn’t flee.
Oaths served none to trust;
Vows proved none but just.
When shalt thou soul be due?

Act II

Allegiance was our pledge;
Of a love meant to last.
Our dreams formed a wedge;
Nightmares burnt to dust.
To whom should we blame,
When thee hath flown away?

Writhing in silence when hearts divide,
The double-edged sword is here to stay.
Fallen feathers leave no clue,
Fallen petals age with scent –
Shimmering memories shatter in truth;
All that’s left – a broken soul.

Act III

Amidst the crowds that roam the streets,
The stage is set at your decree.
Paving and pacing with tiny steps;
Harsh and hoarse thou journey be.
The morrow proves a tenebrous feat –
For what that looms had begun.

Thine horizons delude and deceive;
The maiden’s prayer could not be heard.
Feathers of hope upon the angel’s wings –
May thou soar with dreams embraced.
Scouring the lands thine had cursed,
Thou shalt seek freedom within thee soul.

Act IV

As tranquil as it may seem,
The end has yet to commence.
What shalt thee redeem?
What shalt thee assay?
Breaking free from the ties that bind –
When wilt thee endeavor be done?

Even if the morrow beckons joyful beginnings;
Emptiness wilt forestall thee endeavor.
Roads ahead shall be rough –
The humble saint speaks no evil.
To where shalt thou seek beatitude?
To where shalt thou earn truth?

Act V

Ripples that form on water’s surface;
Strange yet alluring for humility’s sake.
Reserved and reticent, thou wings shalt form;
Pride and honor – thou amour-propre.
Wings of truth serve thee through;
Dreams of the morrow shall unfold…

2008-05-03T15:13:00.001+08:00

here's something i read.. from this RPG : Final Fantasy VII Crisis Core
Read and enjoy

LOVELESS ( POEM )

Loveless - Prologue

When the war of the beasts brings about the world's end
The goddess descends from the sky

Wings of light and dark spread afar
She guides us to bliss, her gift everlasting

Loveless - Act I

Infinite in mystery is the gift of the goddess
We seek it thus, and take it to the sky
Ripples form on the water's surface
The wandering soul knows no rest

Loveless - Act II

There is no hate, only joy
For you are beloved by the goddess
Hero of the dawn, Healer of worlds

Dreams of the morrow hath the shattered soul
Pride is lost
Wings stripped away, the end is nigh

Loveless - Act III

My friend, do you fly away now?
To a world that abhors you and I?
All that awaits you is a somber morrow
No matter where the winds may blow

My friend, your desire
Is the bringer of life, the gift of the goddess

Even if the morrow is barren of promises
Nothing shall forestall my return

Loveless - Act IV

My friend, the fates are cruel
There are no dreams, no honor remains
The arrow has left the bow of the goddess

My soul, corrupted by vengeance
Hath endured torment, to find the end of the journey
In my own salvation
And your eternal slumber

Legend shall speak
Of sacrifice at world's end
The wind sails over the water's surface
Quietly, but surely

Loveless - Act V -Made by Genesis-

Even if the morrow is barren of promises
Nothing shall forestall my return
To become the dew that quenches the land
To spare the sands, the seas, the skies
I offer thee this silent sacrifice

2008-04-13T01:04:00.002+08:00

这一秒我哭了

听清清唱了一首歌
是什么旋律呀
让我想起你
你多么冰冷的嘴唇
你决定真的要放手

每一个夜好长我走不完
和你去过的地方
多么冷的夜
我习惯这样的生活

你这一年还好吗
总是担心你的那个我
到底为什么
这一秒我哭了
无法多看你的背影

看这一幕片刻黄昏
什么记忆让你回头
夜深人静时候我都难过
没有你在身边陪我
多么冷的夜
没有人逗留在街头

你这一年还好吗
总是担心你的那个我
到底为什么
这一秒我哭了
无法多看你的背影

都已经失去所有
那现在的我
还在等什么
一个人纪念
听着你最爱的歌
我只能在你电话里留话

我到底在等什么
总是担心你的那个我
到底为什么
这一秒我哭了

爱你的苦衷
没有让你快乐
为了一种感觉停留
and i'm still worrying about all that she would face without me around... even though.. i know i will never retract my orders. My only regret.. was that i wasn't firm enough to hold on to anything i held dear.. I chose to let go after much friction.. thinking that it would be the best solution.. when actually, after doing so, made things worse.

Was i too harsh? Perhaps so..

It was then i realised that.. i could no longer perform well enough.. but i'll find my light again.. i know it. And i'm counting down for that light to re-materialize before me.

I'll be fine, so say you would as well (no bruises, no cuts, no.. self-abuse).

I might return to that state of cold-blooded leadership.. If you were to find me once more, you must revert me back to whom i was.. or else it'll be the end of us.

Smiling isn't easy at all, so i won't do it. I'll find my way.. with whom i was... myself.. back then.

Until then, if you still do love me, then do what's best for me 9 months later. If i am destined to stay this way, then.. the lines would change as they should, and i shall follow them.

2008-03-20T18:14:00.003+08:00

With all the pieces of the puzzle set in place, I paced my thoughts to clear those doubts. Here I am today, to tell you a very simple story.. nothing too exciting, neither is it too melodramatic.

***

It all began... with.. "nothings', whatevers' and neverminds'."
Now it starts to fall in place, where my doubts seem to invite that insecurity...
As emotions start their battle chants, the battlefield was filled with lush silence and serenity.

Clashes weren't heard of; battles yet to be fought -- I was merely a neglected child left to be orphaned.
"What if" would be the best answer to my emotions..

***

Here are the key characters to this investigation..
1. 2 apples and an orange in a rattan cage.
2. An orange with many other oranges on a metal tray.
3. An orange with a mango in the fragile plastic basket.

Here are the various observations from this investigation..
1. 2 apples were put above the orange in the rattan basket.
2. The orange gets to be placed amongst the other oranges on the metal tray often.
3. The orange hardly enters the fragile plastic basket.
4. The mango remains in the fragile plastic basket.

If you manage to understand my stand.. then please.. tell me, what's the point of me having the block leave? To think? To think more about what's going on? To find those loopholes in this very mysterious mango and orange thing? Or are we.. just.. two different fruits after all...
********************************************************************************

This post is nullified by the previous one.. don't bother reading.

2008-03-19T23:03:00.004+08:00

笨笨与傻傻的故事

We began with that first smile you gave me;
We began with that first picture we took when we were dressed to the nines.
We began with your bubbly personality;
We began with your enthusiasm towards friendship.

We began with that statement of philosophy;
We began with words that carried the least of emotions;
We began with a lunch that was near your workplace;
We began with my first gift for you from Tokyo.

We began with McDonald's for dinner;
We began with that long chat by the sea accompanied by the waves that rippled upon the rocks;
We began with you conquering your fear of heights;
We began with words that were only words.

We moved on with my terrible sore throat and your strepsils;
We moved on with our lunch at Sakae;
We moved on with a friendship that will last;
We moved on with those words I wrote on your palm.

We moved on with a phone call every night.
We moved on with your sweet voice that rang through my ears;
We moved on with dreams to pursue together;
We moved on with troubles that knocked upon our door.

We moved on with perseverence and determination;
We moved on with our hands together;
We moved on with more strepsils from you;
We moved on with nothing but love for one another.

We've come thus far with the songs I sang for you;
We've come thus far with more lozenges from you; (LOL.. don't laugh..)
We've come thus far where words were never spoken to be heard;
We've come thus far with our hearts in unison..

I've got no regrets in meeting you;
I've got a life that's worth living for;
I've got memories to cherish;
I've got a lifetime to love someone like you~!

***

hold on.. i'll update this tml..

2008-02-24T14:37:00.002+08:00

Someone managed to unlock that grand oak door that separated me from everyone else in the outside world, and that someone hasn't broken any glasses that i've lined perfectly on that grand dining table in the great hall of my world.. I found her, or rather, she found me.

I love this song.. Not because she dedicated it to me. Listen to it with your heart, not your ears. You'd understand its purpose here and now and perhaps, in future as well. Everything seems so ideal now; everything seems so real... (well it is..)

It's been such a long time.. I haven't seen the rays of light from dawn for aeons.. For i've been locked in my world, all because i'm too afraid to let the glasses shatter once more.
My world seemed perfect to me..
No mistakes,
No errors,
No one..
it's my standard of perfection and only mine. But there's always that missing piece within.. I was missing a companion of whom i could place my utmost trust upon.

Before you came, I was greeted by the 4 walls that surrounded me. I'd hear my voice reverberating and echoing off the walls down that hallway. Candlelight was the only consolation i have as it was yellow in colour.. The rest of my world was draped in black and white.

Then you came, brought in many colours that would brighten up my day (especially pink..).
Life wasn't the same anymore..
I no longer hear my own echoes when i speak;
I no longer feel monotonous in life;
I no longer felt that living was worthless..
You brought value into my life;
You brought me a new purpose to live for;
You revived me from my state of hibernation.

As I recall what it was like to survive in the outside world once again, I no longer fear it.
Because i know you'd be there by my side;
Because i know you'd guide me through;
Because i know you'd love me as much as i would love you.

Things may seem so blissful now, but not to fear, I'll do my part to maintain the bond between us.. because i can see your constant effort that you put in to be with me. I may feel insecure at times.. I may feel unsure about certain things between us.. And you'd always assure me that everything would be alright and that you'd face my problems together with me, so that i'd feel at peace again..

And as i held your hand, i knew i wouldn't be lonely again.. Although i was reminded of my past.. And i was worried to make the same mistake again.. You assured me that nothing would change.. That was when.. i realised, i was in safe hands...

2008-02-03T13:33:00.000+08:00

I don't wish for any more conflict.
I just want you to live a happy life peacefully.
I just want you to be happy.
I just want you to be yourself.
I don't want to give you up.
And most importantly,
I don't want to lose you.

You'd always have a place in my heart.
You'd always have someone to rely on.
You'd always have someone to trust.
You'd always have someone to fill that emptiness for you.

It's not something that others should decide for us, neither is it so for us to end it just because of some minor setback..

We should stay united, we should strive on for the sake of happiness.
And not to dwell upon the milk that has been spilt from the past.

Be well.. the blog isn't dead.. but i just can't think of what to write since i've already expended all that brainpower on that ultra longwinded email i sent you.. so yup.. continue flooding my taggy.. and i'll keep you company.. everyday.. with my short messages.. and would call you if possible.

*Pardon me for my simple post, my readers.. i'm really exhausted..

2008-01-26T19:15:00.001+08:00

Life was hectic for the past 2 weeks.. Apart from the consoling phone calls that i've made to my family and sunsun, I did my best to backup my emotions into my long-term memory; hoping that they would only show themselves to those i cherish.

My superior drilled this into our minds:

"Tough times don't last, but tough men do."

And that's where it all began -- the countdown to return home and meet my cherished folks. I was loved. I held an important place in their hearts (including the one whom i've only met recently.. you should know that it is you that i'm talking about.)

I'm currently not in the pink (ok.. don't go all crazy when you see this word just because i made it pink in colour..) of health due to insufficient hydration during training.. But not to worry, I'll be fine. And.. i'm really lost for words currently.. terribly lost.. because many things are flashing past my mind currently, and i just can't get a good grasp at things. I worry too much about certain things, and i'm just made to work that way.

I'm feeling rather drowsy now due the medication that i've consumed.. it's time i returned to my nest a short rest.. (cool.. it rhymes..)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2230 hrs -- Calamity

Something went wrong.. and wrong meant that it wasn't right. Something came and dishevelled my logical thinking.. (thankfully it was reclaimed when i shut that door behind me..). How i felt? I'll tell you.. totally lost.. What actually seemed warm wasn't really warm.. and what actually seemed cold remained cold.. I was melted and solidified to a chunk of semi-liquid (just like what wax figurines would become if you'd melt them and cool them when they're done melting)..

Deformed.. gah.. this feeling is absurd. Totally unexpected; confidence levels and morale plunged to the depths... I knew something was wrong.. and i knew whom the trigger was. But i maintained my cool.. I had to.. because.. i just had to.

i'd have much more to say.. but i know this will be read, so i shan't tarnish this day anymore with my rantings..
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunsun requested that i took the test if i had time.. and here are my results.. exactly how i'm feeling right now..

You are longing for some love and affection at this time - not that you have been deprived of tender loving care - but there are times when everyone needs to try something new or to go 'somewhere' else to perhaps experience that little extra 'understanding'.

You seem to lack the energy of late to get up and go. Your objectives appear to be unattainable and no one seems to care. You feel lost, neglected and need some W.T.C. (Warm tender care).
At times one is burdened with more than one's fair share of problems and this would appear to be your situation at present. But you are adamant - you know what you wish to achieve - and by giving a little and taking a little you may well find that the realization of your dreams could become a reality.

You are feeling trapped by the situation as it stands at this time and what is more, you feel powerless to remedy it. You are stressful, angry and disgruntled. You feel that everything that you try to do to change the situation is thwarted and your hopes and aspirations all seem to be receding into the ever distant future. You have reached the state where you now doubt whether your dreams will ever be achieved and this is not only causing mental stress but heartache. You need to get away from it all - you need to have time to think, to recuperate, to be able to make your own decisions.

You don't like conflict and you endeavour to avoid criticism. You want to do your own thing and to be able to decide what is right for you. You have considerable personable charm - and this is used with considerable effect on those that keep your company.

interesting.. and i'd say that my colours would change everyday as well..

2008-01-10T00:39:00.001+08:00

listen to this song. I love it. I love the meaning it holds.

Exactly how i feel, about things, to a certain someone (read the lyrics.. you'll know who you are). For those who frequent my blog, it's either you know what i'm writing or you're totally clueless about my life since then till now. I'm not worried about misunderstandings, because i know you'd clarify them with me if you'd really wish to. (because.. only people i trust will know what i'm writing..)

Redundancy shall never be tolerated. I won't shed my tears. For i'm as good as dead after you've heard this song.

背叛 -- as sung by 楊宗緯 (Original by 曹格)

雨不停落下来
花怎么都不开
尽管我细心灌溉
你说不爱就不爱
我一个人
欣赏悲哀

爱只剩下无奈
我一直不愿再去猜
钢琴上黑键之间
永远都夹着空白
缺了一块
就不精采

紧紧相依的心如何say goodbye
你比我清楚还要我说明白
爱太深会让人疯狂的勇敢
我用背叛自己完成你的期盼

把手放开不问一句say goodbye
当作最后一次对你的溺爱
冷冷清清淡淡今后都不管
只要你能愉快

心有一句感慨
我还能够跟谁对白
在你关上门之前
替我再回头看看
那些片段
还在不在

***

I hereby kill myself once again, so as to await my rebirth.. To form a new me.. to share my happiness with people who deserve it more than some would.

And here are my emotions.. expressed, yet, in another poem of depth...

Despondence

So much hurt as my heart would shatter many times over;
So much grief as my sorrows would identify.
Thresholds breached, please beseech;
Frequencies collide with disorient, they subside..

Tears of hope and hatred;
Tears of wretch and joy.
Will they always be apart?
Will they truly be apart?

Cries for justice be rampant;
Cries of distress be scarce;
Distance for necessity;
Distance.. a redundance?

Loneliness beckons;
Silence threatens.
Annoyance dictates;
Fury ignites.

With tears welled;
With words unsaid,
Left for good;
Left for real.

-- The Djinni --

2008-01-06T22:51:00.000+08:00

5 more days.. My heart should be in its secondary phase of rebirth. I really hope that it'll reach its final phase before my departure.. I don't wish to shed any tears on that day. I don't wish to feel anything.. My emotions should never have came with me as a package to begin with. It's so hard for me to kill myself over and over again, just to be able to adapt to the environment, as would a frog to a pond. (Right.. my analogy doesn't seem very logical..)

I can't feel much today.. there isn't much grief, neither hatred, nor delight. There's hardly any emotions that remain active.. (and that's quite a relief for me..) I'll miss my family, I'll miss some others whom i trust.

Sigh.. I'm usually rather long-winded when it comes to blogging.. But it all seems so silent now.. so silent that it gets a little noisy for the silence. My mind no longer speaks, my emotions lie stagnant.. I start to feel worried that he might return to be me. But of course, with my family and those i trust around me, i believe that i'll be fine.

As mysterious as i can get, i'm not gonna reveal any of my 'extraordinaries'. Well, life's short.. and i'm always somewhere out there, thinking about how to improve it. Not by the means of technology, but via philosophy. I want an ideal world, of which i'll never be able to achieve even if my life were to be taken away. Nothing.. nevermind, i don't wish to talk about that today..

I'm rather touched however.. today.. As i was feeling rather wistful (thanks for introducing that new vocab to me today.. My English isn't necessarily that good, but fair enough, education is for life and not for papers..), I talked much about how we started to get thus close.

According to my earilier post (really early.. the one on emptiness and nothing..), the fact that the discussion on that statement of philosophy was bound into her memory; the fact that many others would have forgotten on what we'd have chatted upon; I was glad, at least i know i exist.. (It's funny, to think that existence would rule over our emotions.. but that's all just.. my theories, and nothing more.)

It was then that i realised.. i have not sent her my traditional parting gift - that special composition that i sent to everyone before the A's. Not many appreciated it, not many understood it. I was rather disappointed by that. It's alright, life's full of such minor issues.

Acquaintances would remain acquaintances if both parties remain unwilling to step out to each other.
Friends would return to acquaintances if only one party contributes.
Friends will only remain as friends when both parties decide to exist as one.

I hope everyone would be well when i'm away. And i certainlyhope that no one would shed tears for me (c'mon, i ain't dying yet..). Don't feel sad, it's only a matter of time before i'm out again. I'll call those whom i wish to talk to. I'll message those whom i wish to accompany. And finally, for those whom i cherish, you'll never lose your existence in my heart (unless you did something really wrong.. but seriously, how could you after passing all those tests that i've set for you..).. I'll never be lonely with all of you alive within this heart of mine, so do not worry. Please, take care of yourselves when i'm not there to nag at you.

Gosh.. what's with this atmosphere.. i'm only leaving on friday.. LOL.. Sigh.. I'll be meeting you for dinner tomorrow, am i not? Don't be late, unless you've got that valid reason (getting lost in this very erm.. organized environment..). But seriously, i'm joking. take your time and stay safe in your journey to the meeting grounds.

I'm tired.. Shouldn't be blogging till thursday night i guess.. (thus i'm writing in this manner..)

*But of course, i'd blog if i feel like it..*

2008-01-04T23:00:00.000+08:00

ok.. right.. my story today is simple. Due the extreme conditions that i'd be experiencing in National Service, I've taken up this insurance plan to cope with the difficulties that are bound for me during my stay. Today was fully a fruitful day of exercise and.. and.. erm.. making the exercise go to waste.. Alright.. that wasn't so good..

Well anyways, I ran, gym-ed, tennis-ed, swam, and finally steamed myself within 6 short hours.. (alrighty.. i sound as if i've enrolled myself in some physical fitness boarding school or whatnot.. and i seem to like this word 'whatnot')

Darn, i'm aching mad. The tennis was great (of course i didn't play all alone dude.. don't be nuts. I had a companion you see..).

So why did i conclude that i wasted all that exercise? That's because i went to have a heavy (and i really mean heavy.. or was it? nah.. i don't eat too much myself.. but today's portion was huge..). Went to this Restaurant-fashioned stall in a heartlander coffee house.. RIGHT.. like how good can the food get.. I'll tell you, i paid $7.50 for that plate of Cajun Chicken Steak.. GOSH, it was absolutely delicious.. (yet the portion was so huge that i had to force the fries down my throat because i was determined not to have dinner.. when i didn't have lunch and breakfast either..)

So.. i ate only 1 meal today, and that's the plate of Cajun Chicken Steak.. how nice, i'm gonna lose some weight soon because of this simple inequality here --> [Input < Output]

Enough of the fun stuff.. I'm still rather bloated at this late hour of which i'm current blogging at..
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

First day of my rebirth, I'm feeling better now.. Getting used to all the new procedures that i've been conditioning my emotions with, I'm long immune to that feeling of dependence towards my Tigress' existence (cheer on for me, for i'm new.. or.. new.. nevermind..)

hmm.. whatever that you might receive from me, tigress, it's just my token of gratitude for being by my side when i was.. tweaked. If you can't seem to decide, then i'll just have to decide what's best for the both of us. That's that. (Or am i consoling myself for myself and for myself..)

Anyway, I'm good, i'm good to go.. I want to watch the sunset; I want to be with the sunset; I want to experience a real sunset again.. for once, for life, for love, and for anyone who's experienced a real sunset (and would have the same sentiments as i would). Am i speaking in a nonsensical manner? You're the judge, you decide upon what's written here..

Then people might query.. "What's a real sunset? I mean, aren't sunsets always REAL?"

I won't answer that. That's obviously from someone who hasn't seen one.. I've seen it.. I loved it as i would love my dogs. I can't tell you what it looks like.. I can only tell you that it's sweet and that you'd have to experience the rest yourself.

Right.. I'm simply typing every thought that comes into my mind.. It's so strange at which the speed i'm phrasing my thoughts using my fingers.. Or was it strange because my fingers are delivering my thoughts at such a speed.. nevermind, everyone's bound to make mistakes, especially when they're fatigued.. (well.. i am.. but i never liked short entries.. and it's not that i'm trying to make this a long entry..)

I just had to say.. some things.. here and now; because it's now or never.. After this slumber that i'm about to have soon, i'd not be able to recall my thoughts that i've penned here.. This blog has somewhat became like the pensieve that appeared in J.K. Rowling's infamous novel series.. That Potter boy.. (i'd prefer that potty-wee-potter way of saying it though.. not too formal..)

It's time.. my mind should be rather empty now.. although i can't really summarise the main points of what i wrote because they are just fragments of my thoughts.. It's for me to recall.. and not you.. not the readers.. I write it in my style, such that only i'm able to understand the fragmentation of my memories.. haha.. till tomorrow then..

2008-01-03T21:34:00.001+08:00

New year.. (the fact that i should've written this earlier and i didn't..)

Ok.. now what's in for me for 2008.. Look.. firstly, i've got myself tangled (for 22 months) into National Service due to my gender (that of course, would signify that i'm a male homosapien..). Nothing much.. I haven't been feeling much about starting new routines or whatnots.. I didn't feel anything about entering primary school, and neither were there any emotions that were present when i left it. Same goes for entering and leaving Secondary education as well as college.. I FEEL NOTHING..

(Why is it that many others feel so stressed and paranoid about the new environment? I mean, new environments are meant for adaptation, no?)

Perhaps they just can't adapt to it, i guess.. It might seem as though this strategy of mine would be the best tool for me to get past National Service. Not revealing it, lest people might have the ability to do what i've planned to do.

2008.. tigress.. no.. I know what's going on here. And i'm not going to let anything stand in my way. I've found the truth.. so i must seek it. It's now or never. I've decided to just leave my tigress to her life and just.. leave her.. out of her life. Because.. I know that i'm harming her, and i can't let that happen. I just can't. She'll be happier without me. I know it.. I just know it. Don't ask me why.. If you're really interested in knowing why, then put yourself in my position.

that's all i'd say about tigress.. now.. moving on.. (have i changed? yes, i have, and it's a must for me to do so.. in order to protect myself..)

2008.. People are meant to be cycled around. If you can't seem to communicate with someone whom you haven't invested much upon, you dump them. (I understand that i'm offending a few, if not many people by writing this, but hey, that's a blatant fact and you can't deny it.)
There are others who deserve more care and concern than some who don't even appreciate what you offer to them.

Remember this.. "Every relationship is a transaction; there's no such thing as free lunch."

We invest, we reap, and we enjoy the harvest.
We hold back, we wait for reciprocation, we enjoy that frustration that they suffer.
Or do we?

(I would.. if i could, i would. And so i am.)

I know what i'm looking for. I'll strive for it. Even if it has to take away my ideals, it shall be a beneficial transaction on both parties..

2008-01-01T20:46:00.001+08:00

4th day.. blogging about the same thing over and over again.. Thinking about the same thing once more. Why do i keep getting stuck in time? I'm starting to reconsider my actions.. I'm not regretting, but i'm there.. I'm there to justify what i've done. And I'd jolly well be able to solve it.

(Which i think i could've solved it long ago.. And which i did somehow recently..)

Such rhapsodies should stop in their own tracks for now.. I should be setting relevant resolutions for the year ahead. And yet.. as every minute would whizz past me now, I suddenly feel this acute pain within my forehead. It's terrible to have both the heart and the brain to hurt just as much.

My entire sensorium seems to be in a big mess, must be due to the acute migraines that i'm experiencing.. I need rest.. But i can never rest when i've so many problems to settle for. Life's a paradox itself.. If you can figure out why i'd say so, then tell me. I'm still searching for the truth that will overthrow my previous hypothesis about life being full of transactions and not relationships.. I'm still searching for the answer.

Hermits lead serene and peaceful lifestyles.. But are they lonely? Many of the average commoners out there would think so. On the other hand, I think otherwise. Perhaps.. they've found a way to cope with that loneliness.. I hope to find that key to living that way.. or perhaps, i might lose sight of my goals and settle for an even better ideal.

(an even better ideal... tsk tsk.. it'll never come true i guess..)

2007-12-31T23:30:00.000+08:00

Something's not right here.. Today's the third day. This feeling of truth-seeking and abandoning it is so real now.. It is when you reach the crossroads that you start to realise what's most important to you.

My parents have told me countless times; I have told myself indefinitely as well.. If i choose to seek any path in life, i must lose something of equivalent value in order to enjoy its effects. And up till now.. I have not touched upon the topic of ideals, have i? Funny, the way i'd put it to be.. (laugh now, not later.. it gets serious as soon as you start reading the next stanza)

Every human being is entitled to possess certain ideals that he or she would embrace for life. Some have many, others - a few. People see me as one who's bent on fulfilling my ideals; to be crude in whichever way i'd figure to be -- in order to succeed in making this world -- my ideal. Many see me to be different from others of age, I have to deny that. I'm no different from any of my peers, I'm just like everyone else - satisfied with simple gestures and not material objects.. I speak with my heart to those i trust.. But of all the people whom i've given a space to in my heart, i finally understood that some of them aren't worthy to remain here and continue to sap on my existence. It's new year once again, and there are people whom are meant to be forgotten as well as those whom are meant to remain within my world.

I don't know what else to say.. because i'm unsure of how to phrase my endless thoughts for today.. perhaps i shall write again when i acquire peace and quietness in my mind.. And perhaps.. only perhaps.. that i might or would consider.. to forsake an ideal for someone.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Persiflage of Liberation

Restless, listless and undesirably flawless...
My hopes were dashed once for its sacrosanctity;
Tis' unwilling to concede to my own rigidity.

Savants who hoped to live on as commoners;
As they were lost to wealth and fortune,
For their brains were just too well-tuned.

Dispatch yourself from this presence;
Shelf those thoughts of pestilence,
For truth shall now see its entrance.

A new day;
A new ray;
To forsake; to forget; to forbid.
To forgive; to forbear; to foray?

Detriments that fill our hearts,
Serving its will to fulfill those oaths.
We made our lives thus sour for years,
The falling of those unworthy tears..

Thus I spoke with my heart;
Awaiting that of a new start.
"Qualms? Haven't had any.."

Lying low,

Setting grounds;

Beginnings of ends we found.

dfjhsdfhsjdf

Of that we sought with our tattered dreams;

To live to endure,

Hearts be pure.

sdjkhaskjfhksjdf

-- JWK

2007-12-30T23:40:00.001+08:00

This is the second time i'm getting this strange feeling. Many thoughts seem to have been filtered off my mind... And now i really wonder, why did i filter them off in the first place? Was it because i finally found whom i am? No.. that shouldn't have been the answer. It's too simple for it to take the place for truth.

Someone who's more passionate (or obsessed) with truth more than anything else.. Someone who's so reliant on truth for his existence.. If truth fails to seek its existence in me.. my efforts to seek it, will seem so.. futile.. then i'd be better off dead.

Something i've sought for ages.. Something I've pined for and waited patiently for its appearance.. My existence is wearing thin.. and i really wonder how much longer i'd be able to last on this flickering light i'd grasp from within me. Perhaps i should stop seeking my truths.. and follow the path of what people want me to tread upon.. (or rather.. the normal path that's imperfect in every aspect as i'd deem it to be..)

But of course, I didn't demean it to be that way. It might even be a less treacherous path for me to tread upon.. and perhaps i'd be happier.. without the need for truth.. without the hunger for truth.. without the need to seek perfection.. (BUT I NEED TO BE PERFECT.. not for you, not for everyone else.. it's just me.. i just want to be PERFECT.. )

Being perfect isn't just all of perfection.. It's important to know how to be perfectly perfect.. in order to obtain the truth that you really need.. nevermind that.. it's only for me to ponder.. and you to wonder..
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Perhaps there are just some people in life who hold the keys that'll unlock your heart.
Perhaps there are just some people in life who would lose the keys after which..
and.. perhaps there are some people in life who'd not be able to find that keyhole again after they lose their set of keys..
And those are the ones whom you'd lose in life (not those who pass on, but those who fail to embrace the quintessence of your existence in their hearts.. It's a terrible thing to know..)

I happy with what i found today.. but i'm sad that i'm happy.. This agony that has surfaced due to remnant hopes and desires accumulated within my memories. I wish that i could just wash away my emotions just like i would do to wash a stain off a white shirt with Sodium Chlorate (V).

I'm me.. i shouldn't be wearing a mask to hide my sorrows.. No matter how much i desire for truth.. I must persevere to be myself, and to remove that mask that i've been adorned with all this time. I shouldn't feel sorrowful anymore.. I should seek truth with sincerity and only then, will they appear like the stars in cloudy skies. Those that would find you instead.. Those that are destined to be by your side. (but seriously.. destiny and all that fate thing.. I can't really say it's true either.. because i've not been able to prove it using scientific means.. It must be perfect as well.. sigh.. another truth to seek i guess..)

2007-12-30T01:54:00.000+08:00

Day 4 -- Asakusa and "Raymond" Temple (Senshoji)

<-- This is the street that we have to 'trespass' before we reach Senshoji. And there's my brother pretending to be a tour guide for this expedition..

<-- That's Raymond's Gate!!

<-- And there was this really cute Welsh Corgi Cardigan at the temple as well.. (the owner brought it out for a walk when the weather was so chilly..)

<-- Then we had dinner at some Japanese Chinese Restaurant.. Which was really nice (even though i've always disliked Chinese cuisine..)

<-- My dad and my brother were rather satisfied with the meal.. thus the expression..

Day 5 -- Meiji Shrine and Harajuku

The entrance of the shrine -->

My brother insisted to take this piccy.. no comments (he sure is one photogenic chap..) -->

My loving parents (I took this picture using my dad's Nikon camera.. Good photographers usually use good cameras.. hehe ) -->

My dad.. I just love candid shots like these.. unlike those that you strike a pose and pretend to be cute (in a way or another..). The piccy on the left is taken by him.. Those rays formed due to the misty air in the forest were just fascinating.. -->

We even observed a traditional Japanese wedding.. how fortunate.. -->

There was this fountain where you can wash your hands with the so-called holy water that spilled out from those jets. Some people even drank the water.. and expelled their phlegm into the adjacent drain (without having to know that the water is being recycled.. after being purified.. that is..) -->

erm.. unsure of how i should address this thing in English.. It's just a wooden board for you to write your wishes on.. Then you hang it here and wait for things to happen.. (but they don't really happen actually.. because you have to pay a good 500 yen for it.. and paying money to make wishes is just... so wrong..) -->

Some of the teens doing Cosplay at Harajuku..

-->

(Above) --> We ended up taking pictures at some Pasta restaurant and it ended up looking pretty good.. So my pic went to take on the life of a profile picture on facebook.. haha

Day 6 -- Shinjuku and Takashimaya

<-- Mt Fuji (as seen from my hotel window.. Beautiful..)

<-- Just a busy street at night in Shinjuku West

Day 7

Some of Tokyo's Finest Scenes.. all taken on a bus ride to Narita Airport..

And then i got a little bored.. So i took this..

LOL.. Ok.. that's about it.. happy now? Sheesh.. And i wonder why i'm doing all this.. It's just not me to share about my experiences.. And i don't like to tell anyone where've i've been or whatnot.. Sigh.. Humans..

2007-12-28T23:20:00.000+08:00

Day 1 -- there were pics.. but we looked so weary and tired.. grrr.. so no pics..

Day 2 -- Disneyland

<--The entrance of Tokyo Disneyland.

<-- My mom and I.. Many people have mistaken us to have been siblings.. but yep.. My mom's got that baby face..

<-- My dad refused to let me navigate at first.. but it became such a hassle to do so himself.. so i proved very much worthy to be the "family navigator" for the rest of the trip..

<-- One of those parades that Disneyland offers every now and then.. here's one with Lilo & Stitch and it's/his gang.

<-- Here's my little brother wearing that corny cowboy hat.. with his name sewn onto it at the back.

<-- Then because he threw tantrums saying that he didn't want to wear it.. My mom got me to take the rap for it.. RAWR

<-- Lunch.. we had pizza.. and then we saw some people feasting upon a huge teriyaki BBQ chicken thigh.. DARN

<-- The castle in the day..

<-- The castle at night.. how contrasting..

<-- They even had ducks roaming around freely in the park.. How cute!

Day 3 -- DisneySea

We took the Disneyland monorail to DisneySea.. Look at the windows.. goodness.. Disney's rather obsessed with mickey.. -->

3 heads supporting the WORLD!!! (ok.. that was so lame...) -->

Marching to the rides. before the rest of the crowd does.. Typical Singaporean attitude. LOL!!

-->

He was the photographer for the day -->

That was the only photograph he took that day -->

Temple of the crystal skull (I didn't know Indiana Jones went for Japanese Language classes..) -->

Raging spirits roller coaster ride.. not very exciting as there aren't many sudden drops.. and that there was only one 360 degree loop.. pathetic ride.. SERIOUSLY -->

My brother, my Dad and me.. -->

The Tower of Terror.. that was the best ride for DisneySea. Having the best storyline and the most exciting freefall from about 12 storeys high.. (it's not the best worldwide though..)

-->

Guess what happened when my mom and I went for the rides of which my brother couldn't get in..

He found some young japanese girls to charm!!

-->

The inside of that volcano you saw earlier.. -->

Right.. That's about all for now.. Will complete the rest later.. Hope you guys enjoyed the photos thus far..

2007-12-27T23:54:00.000+08:00

I feel so strange.. so.. abstract.. and so.. different.. But nonetheless, I guess, i'm just emotionally disturbed by tigress.. Nothing much.. nothing much.. I should deal with me myself.. me myself..

Echoes.. I feel so strange with myself... myself.. I have questions.. I have many many questions.. about myself.. and about.. myself.. I'm trying to figure why i'm having so many questions.. about.. myself.. and myself.. and myself...

I want answers.. I want solutions.. to myself.. I want to know why am i being so not myself.. I want to know.. what's in it for me to be so not myself.. Why am i so cruel to myself.. Why am i so cruel... Why did someone have to ask me that? And why did it have to be me to be asking myself that?

Why is it just me, standing alone to face me? Why should i be here alone? Why... am i leaving myself for another me? Who am i going to take form? What's in it for me?

My heart's desire seems to burn a hole out of itself. And that pain irks me to give up in being myself.. I want to find myself.. and yet i'm half-dead already.

I'll post the pictures tomorrow.. i'll post the pictures.. tomorrow.. as long as tomorrow would live on to be itself and not it.

2007-12-26T16:04:00.000+08:00

My previous entry was, to me, a total disgrace to whatever I've been writing so far.. It lacks the depth which i usually blend with every entry. I regret posting that entry.. somehow.. partially because I've also straightened things out during this trip to Tokyo. There are so many things in this world that are so imperfect.. and that whatever that might seem perfect - are just so beautiful and so.. unnatural in some way.. Pardon me, I'm quite confused with myself at the moment. I'm pouring out my emotions as they come along with depth.

"Persiflage of calumny" -- There's some inspiration coming from that phrase.. But i shan't compose any literary material just yet due to my sudden hangover from that glass of white wine on the plane (which i don't quite understand why I'm feeling so when i wasn't even drunk back then..)

Now.. you chaps must be wondering how was my Tokyo trip.. Here goes the ranting..
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Day 1 -- Arrival at Narita Airport + Keio Plaza Hotel
The air was generally polluted (no complaints though.. Beijing was evidently incorrigible..). Nothing much.. Got to the hotel via the Airport Limousine (this is a bus service the goes to and from the Airport to various locations. Not the usual white or black limos you see in American movies..). The hotel room was sweet, just that i don't quite like to sleep in front of a mirror.. Toilet seat warmers are pretty cool to begin with, as well as the ermm.. "butt washer system" that the toilet seat was installed with.. (apparently, we tried it out, but it didn't really seem to work out for us.. Wonder how the Japs manage to use it effectively..)

Day 2 -- Disneyland (without shuttle bus service to and from hotel)
Ok.. we didn't have any form of transport to Disneyland from our hotel.. So the only way for us to get there was to take a train (JR line) from Shinjuku West station all the way to Tokyo Station, where we then transfered to another JR line to get the Disneyland's adjacent station - Maihama Station at Tokyo Bay. The trains were fine, the fares were reasonable.. The walks were rather long (due to those really huge Subway stations such as Shinjuku West station, which is further connected to Shinjuku East and Shinjuku Main Station.. not to mention the really enormous network within that Tokyo Station.. And those heaps of people who scuttle about to work.. GOSH..)

Upon arrival, 'crowds were aloof'.. Totally.. not the right place to be for a vacation.. I mean, look, queueing for 2 hours for some really thrilling ride is absolutely riduiculous.. I definitely wouldn't waste my precious 2 hours for that 5 minutes of enjoyment.. Geezz.. not very fair at all.. But of course, we went fastpassing* the rides by scanning our tickets and coming back sometime later for the ride at the allocated time slot (Space Mountain was one of them..)

Nothing much.. it was a pretty kiddy place.. the real stuff come in the next day..

Day 3 -- DisneySea (With hotel shuttle service to Maihama Station)
This is the place for someone who wants to get away from everyday life. By scrutinising that intricate architecture that clutters to take the form of Tokyo DisneySea, it's rather obvious that they've definitely spent heaps of Yen to build and dig through that huge quarry in the middle of the theme park. Pictures shall be up in the next post.. so just hang on.

Due to having insane height limitations.. Kids are mostly refused from all rides.. (YAY.. that would typically mean that there aren't as many visitors to this park relative to that of Disneyland..) It's nothing much.. Some rides were rather thrilling, but otherwise, the storylines were great (just as anyone would expect ANYTHING that's produced by Disney Studios). Some of these rides include Indiana Jones and the Curse of the Crystal Skull + Tower of Terror (that's the best..) + Journey to the Centre of the Earth (And that would = Satisfaction and only satisfaction..)

Day 4 -- Asakusa and what my brother would call.. "Raymond Shrine" (Senshoji)
This really long street is filled up with roadside stalls that carried goods such as Japanese traditional costumes and wares.. There were also wooden bokutous on sale for about erm.. 1800 yen. Got most of the gifts from this place due to the products' rich Japanese culture.. (or so if my memory doesn't fail me..)

Sweet sake went for only 100 yen.. It's basically rice wine at it's middle stage of fermentation with minimal alcohol content. The weather was pretty cold on that day.. So the sweet sake was the best thing there was to keep warm.

Raymond was fine, just a little disturbing due to.. my sudden intuition. I wonder how i'd deal with such things..

Day 5 -- Meiji Shrine and Harajuku
Meiji shrine.. The best place to be at in Tokyo (that's my opinion..) I'd jolly just stay there for the entire day to meditate.. There was total peace and quietness that i wanted. No corruption, no evils that plague my mind when i entered that shrine.. And no, they don't produced chocolates..

Harajuku - the shopping district for teens and adults alike.. The best place to get goods that are AFFORDABLE.. (many people have this misconception that Japanese goods are expensive due to their high costs of living which is generally untrue if you're smart enough to know where to do your shopping..) I don't quite like shopping, but i'll gladly tag along with someone who knows how to shop..

Day 6 -- Keio Plaza and Takashimaya + Kinokuniya (Shinjuku Area)
This is why people keep complaining that Japanese goods are expensive.. Why bother to shop in a Shopping arcade when they only carry branded goods? Isn't it obvious that the stuff displayed are mostly for the affluently affluent?

Day 7 -- Narita Airport and Home
We met another family from our home country here at the boarding gate.. Apparently, they went on a round trip with a tour group.. (That means they went to Kyoto.. and visited that Gold leaf Shrine Thing.. RAWR.. I want to go there -- PEACE AND QUIET..)

We chatted for a bit.. and well, exchanged contacts (since we cliqued rather well..)

Interesting things, humans..
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I need rest. Pictures should come in tomorrow. Stay tuned.

2007-12-19T00:30:00.000+08:00

It's 0030 now.. will be leaving for Tokyo in about.. 11 hours from now. I can't bear to leave this place with many loose ends that are still untied.. How can i be at peace when i've yet to settle my problems?

I'll miss her.. I'll miss my tigress to bits.. (and pieces). But for now, let me just get a little crazy..

I'm gonna write what i want to say to my tigress and a few other people..

Today -- 19/12/2007
----------------------
Tigress : RAWR.. i've flown off to Tokyo already.. and you still haven't given me your addy.. RAWR.. I'll miss you lots.. See you in 7 days' time :)

Dizi : Take care of yourself, don't sulk too much.. haha.. and i love that song on your blog.. also tagged as well. Smile always. i'll bring you a souvenir when i'm back.

The Sun : Read your blog post.. Eh.. you should get a tagboard.. it's rather hard for me to say anything without any.. erm.. medium to do so.. Stay sunny :) (even though you've got like.. 300 pages to type.. haha.. anything you want to rant.. just rant it on my taggy..)

Huat : LOL.. i just smacked the com like crazy on C&C 3. Too bad you left because you have to work tomorrow.. Sigh.. It was quite fun nuke-ing them all over.. LOL.. Play again when i get back yea?

Thursday -- 20/12/2007
--------------------------
Tigress : I should be in Disneyland right now.. wahaha.. should be very fun.. (hey.. don't laugh at my stupidity here ok.. i know i'm blogging in advance.. and i know it's really stupid to do so.. but i just have to keep you company somehow.. LOL) mm.. I didn't bring my phone along because Japan doesn't support non-3G phones.. (Apparently mine isn't 3G).. Yup.. You must take care of yourself till i'm back.. then i can continue nagging at you.. LOL.. like what you said, "Don't worry, Be happy!"

Dizi : MUST STAY HAPPY.. and positive too.. but you'd better stay in a well-earthed building if you're positive.. don't wanna lose a friend to lightning.. OK.. lame.. i know..

Friday -- 21/12/2007
-----------------------
Tigress : haha.. this is starting to get a little ridiculous.. ok.. this should be my second day in Disneyland.. hmm.. are you still in the midst of packing your room? If so.. What's the percentage completion already? Still at 21%? LOL.. okok.. i shan't "suan" you.. Don't let your throat or nose run away again.. I don't want you to waste energy chasing after them..

Dizi : Prepare for SURPRISE tomorrow!!

The Sun : How's your work coming along? Haha.. Tokyo must be really cold now.. (yea.. ok.. it sounds really ridiculous.. but i just can't bear to leave some people..) So i really need a sun to warm me up here.. (or there.. because here means here.. and not there..)

Huat : GEMS should be meeting you guys right? haha.. send him my regards.

Saturday -- 22/12/2007
-------------------------
Tigress : hmm.. today's rather special.. are you forgetting someone? Take care alright?

Dizi : Hope you did get your surprise :) If not.. then i think it's delayed..

Sunday -- 23/12/2007
------------------------
Tigress : Go out with friends, entertain yourself with television programmes or even take naps here and there.. just don't waste your time stoning.. LOL.. I'll be back soon.. wonder what i might get for you though..

Dizi : If you didn't get your surprise yesterday.. Then it should come today!! So.. SURPRISE!! (that's if you didn't get that yesterday.. Terms and conditions apply..)

The Sun : wahaha.. should've taken alot of piccies by now..

Monday -- 24/12/2007
-------------------------
Tigress : Today's Christmas eve.. and everyone here is like.. (or there) Merry Kurimasu.. LOL.. no seriously, i mean it. Not that i'm predicting that, but i really heard one myself. Perhaps if their english standards have stagnated, i'd prolly be hearing the same thing.. Guess i'll only be able to prove this when i get back.. Hope you have a wonderful Christmas dinner tonight.. Actually.. I'd have brought you to one if I weren't travelling.. Sigh.. even if your family didn't celebrate Christmas.. yup.. i'd brought you to one.. Hope you stay up to watch the stars.. (if it isn't raining..)

Dizi : Have a really good Christmas dinner alright? Take care of your health, go for your enjoyable running trips, or whatnots.. I'm glad you decided on something.. or at least.. a conclusion of which i do not know.. but i said i won't bother you about it anymore.. so i won't. You'd better be alright when i'm back.. I'll see you in erm.. 2 days' time perhaps? gonna bring you to Mt Faber.. (wonder why the Mt.. rather short for a Mt..)

Tuesday -- 25/12/2007
-------------------------
Tigress : MERRY CHRISTMAS!! haha.. too bad i can't give you the SURPRISE because you didn't give me your addy.. nevermind.. It's ok.. I'm coming back home today.. prolly msg you when i reach. Have a good time..

Dizi : MERRY CHRISTMAS!! wahah.. i'll msg you when i'm back.. prolly around 0100 hrs of the next day.

The Sun : MERRY CHRISTMAS!! Don't have to work today right? LOL.. How many pages have you completed? Don't let them bully you alright.. I'll contact you soon, to arrange something.

Huat : YEA.. I'm freaking back.. MERRY CHRISTMAS to you as well.. hehe.. I want to play C&C 3 tomorrow!! And perhaps DotA as well as Enfo's. See ya online dude.. We should go have a meal somewhere or sommat..

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok.. i'm done.. hope i've kept a part of me with all of you during this period of time when i'm gone.. I'll be back to claim my existence.. just in case i lose mine in Tokyo.

I like you, Tigress.. I like you to bits.. LOL.. serious..

2007-12-16T23:16:00.001+08:00

I don't really know what to write about today.. For I feel so regretful that i have to be back on that thing when i've not been taking it for such a long time.. All my efforts to suppress my emotional outbursts have all been for naught.. I feel so bad that i can't even keep that promise to myself..

nevermind, i'll be fine (that would be if you all did bother..).

I'll be going to Tokyo soon.. and.. there's something i need to do before i go.. Regardless of whatever might be the end result, I have to complete my mission.

I need rest..

2007-12-15T21:58:00.001+08:00

I have many things to say today.. or rather now, as in.. i'm currently editing this post at 0220 hrs of tomorrow. So i'm rather fatigued now that it's so early yet so late.. But that'll be fine, because i want to say what i need to say.

I may be flawed, I may be imperfect -- no matter how much i try to be perfect, even some would say that i was so close to being perfect -- no matter how i long for perfection.. no matter how much it took me -- i'm still flawed (in some ways.. i just can't be perfect..)

I've caused much trouble to the one around me, and i'm so guilty for that. Seeking help from someone who doesn't really know me that well was a wrong move, i shouldn't have burdened that person.. So here i am, to tell you that i'm really sorry.. I don't know if you'd be reading all this, but everything i type here would represent what i'd really like to say from the bottom of my heart, and that i really mean it. I'd call you a few hours later to explain, but otherwise, I'm sorry for everything.. Our meeting on monday isn't cancelled, I just thought i was not alright and that i do not wish to let you see me in this state. Perhaps it was my miscalculation.. I managed to recover myself from whatever that was bugging me. Thank you for being there all along, i really appreciate it, even though i do not wish to rely too much on you (because you have your own troubles to cope with..)

That's one really long paragraph...

And tigress, I never ever wanted to burden you with my problems.. And i never will even if you want me to.. because it will take away your smile.. and i can't have that. If your happiness were to be stolen, I'd lose an important source of existence to be on this planet. If in any case you might feel troubled, my whole world would follow suit. I know you wouldn't want me to be so affected by you (but seriously, you never really brought me any troubles.. all i got from you were mostly happy memories and perhaps some of that monotone.. LOL). I can tell you "I like you" everyday, because that's how i feel. And i know that no matter how much i'd suppress my emotions due to my surroundings, my feelings towards you remain so realistic.. I suddenly realised after much thought during my recovery today.. but i shan't say it here.. So that you can get curious of what i was enlightened with. *chuckle*

That's another longer paragraph compared to that really long paragraph above above above..

I'm tired.. I was supposed to discuss about the reason to keep a blog, as requested by some of my readers.. for fame or privacy.. But I'M REALLY TIRED... Although it does seem as though a rather light-hearted tone flows within this post.. which isn't whom i am actually, or is it? Hah.. i wonder...

2007-12-14T23:37:00.000+08:00

something happened, something's not right.. But i shan't talk about it.. it's my problem anyways.. (and i'd most likely have solved it by the time i finish writing out this post..).. So don't bother.. (if you did..)

"The skies are gray.. but my heart still remains warm in this cold-blooded figurine.. and i really wonder why.."

Well.. there is a logical explanation for that.. eg.. The skies are gray would mean that the weather is cold. And that if the weather is cold, your body would naturally turn colder if it doesn't produce sufficient heat to maintain thermal equilibrium. But of course, the heart would remain warm in order to maintain the body temperature.. Sigh.. me and my rational mind..

But seriously now.. Don't you find it really simple to understand? A kind heart behind a rather cool and collected composure in the midst of obstacles.. Oh well, nevermind, perhaps i was just doing too much of that self-analysis thing..

Life's boring.. If i didn't have someone to think about everyday (my tigress), i'd prolly be in the mortuary any minute now.. The cause of death would likely be that of a suicidal act..

Life's really boring.. If i didn't have something to think about everyday (perhaps the problems that would plague my most trusted friend for now..), i'd prolly be in a mental institute teaching the other mental patients about Pride and Prejudice.. *chuckle*.. fancy laughing at my own lameness (not physically though.. just lame..)

I have ALMOST everything.. I've got cash, luxurious living, and perhaps a few loving pets to keep me company.. but there's one simple thing that i do not have.. And that is LOVE.. which will inevitably lead to me not to have happiness either.. I can be alone, i'm fine with being alone. The main problem is.. i can't even be left alone.. not because of love, but because it's slavery.. no.. i shouldn't be writing this. haa.. the walls have ears.. Then there's the scheme to delete my blog address from the desktop.. Yep. i'll do just that.

Without tigress and my true friend, my life would've ended long ago.. As in.. perhaps.. i won't be me.. I won't be here typing all of this.. gratifying content. I would be using this blog to disseminate despair? Or would i be using this blog to start a new cult? I'll never know what i'm capable of due to schizophrenia..

***

Sigh.. another without any contact with my tigress.. Her com went down.. I wonder if i can fix it for her. I just wish to see her.. be it just for a short while.. even if it's just a "hello and bubye..", that'll be just fine.. It's good enough for me.. for i know that she's well. I trust that she wouldn't hide her true self from me as there isn't a need for it. And even if she does.. she's not the type who'd do so.. (all due to those expressions..)

I sound as if i'm madly in love with her.. well, admittably, i'd say yes.. even if she doesn't realise it, i'd still say yes.. even if she doesn't realise it after whatever that i'll be busy with soon, i'd still still still say yes.. Otherwise.. why'd i be pining for her every picosecond.. I feel lucky that i can do that for her.. gosh.. this is getting so.. not me..

--End.. for now

2007-12-13T23:17:00.001+08:00

Today.. someone baked cookies for me.. how sweet.. (gosh.. imma guinea pig..) I went out with that someone.. brought that someone to a place she liked.. and of course, she was happy. My job today was to cheer her up.. and to solve her problem. (the her is not my tigress here.. i'm just helping a friend in need, so don't be jealous, my tigress..). We had some alcohol as well.. and i got drunk.. (of which i hardly do.. unless.. i've got problems of my own.. maybe i must've been sad.. to such an extent that i'm no longer able to feel it..).. Seriously, I feel so.. natural when i'm drunk.. as though i've lost my composure..

No matter how i try to find a solution for her, i'm still unable to figure a strategy that would help her out in a way such that i don't cause much destruction.. but of course, judgment has never been a peaceful thing.. In tarot, it's a card where either the people rejoice when the heavens praise them.. OR a card where the heaven forsakes the people, hence making them dejected.

Savants.. I want to be one.. i need to be one, i need to solve this problem. I need to figure things out. But savants.. it's not worth being one, or is it? To lose the ability to write or speak.. or to.. walk.. just for the sake of a powerful mind, it isn't worth it.. so i might not want to be one.. No, i won't want to be one..

Thinking.. thinking.. thinking.. and at the same time, i miss my tigress... haven't talked to her today.. might message her via sms later.

2007-12-12T23:36:00.001+08:00

Sadness envelopes this upcoming trip to Tokyo. I can sense it, because it emanates from me. I'm worried. I want to be free from my thoughts.

All I'd ask for is to meet her just for once before I fly off to Japan.. I just want to exist.. before i lose more existence in her heart.. before i cease to exist as me..

Someone said i'm always putting on a false front.. perhaps so, but why bother? In the end, if i told anyone, they'd be bothered too.. (no, i don't mean you, it's just that, on general terms, that's what i would say.)

For those who understood my poem, please tell me, how should i be feeling now.. My heart wriths in pain as i type this post, and yet, as someone who's cold-blooded and unfeeling, i can't seem to feel any of this pain.. It seems as though both sides of me are battling each other constantly.. And when both characteristics are just as strong, it's hard for me to predict the outcome of my internal strife..

2007-12-11T15:01:00.000+08:00

Thank goodness.. I'm still around. i don't wish to say too much.. unlike other days, I've got really nothing to say today.. because i can't feel anything.. life has become so monotonous.. thinking of my tigress would seem to be the only way out for this emptiness.. And I'm pretty much happy about the thinking.. but still, I'm very very very concerned about the truth.

All i want is a reply before i actually leave for my trip to Tokyo.. I just want to know how she actually feels about me (to have a proper closure for what I've started..), because i can like her forever, it's only a matter of whether i can continue living as a human being for that long due to the quintessence of existence. Right now i feel as if I'm fading away, i mean, any human without memories can still live as a living organism, otherwise known to be a living corpse. If that someone you depend on to exist forgets about you, you'll cease to exist as yourself.. and well, you'll become a living corpse if you don't find a proper way out asap..

Never mind that, it's all based on my groundless theories and philosophies, they would definitely seem fictional to most readers, and sadly, yes..

I need to clarify things. Because i think.. i no longer hold much importance.. hence the diminished existence.

Silent Noise of Predilection

Reap my soul;

That of torment;

That of defacement,

Existence would've foretold.

Pacing my steps;

That of despair;

That of fanfare?

Drowned by a shot of Schnapps.

Remember my heart;

That of fervor;

That of bete noire,

Evanescent philanthropic carts.

Partaking my vows;

That of content;

That of lament,

Deafened by silence, by viles...

-- The Djinni --

I hope you'd understand my poem.. It's got its depth, and you must have that depth to understand the words of recitation.

2007-12-10T22:06:00.000+08:00

Apparently, i got better, so this post is only a mere fragment of my memory at that instant. Please do not mind too much, as it's only a fragment, a shard of the past. I haven't edited anything, so feel free to read what i wrote. And that should be all..

-------------------------------------------------------

Tigress was there.. she was there.. but i was busy.. i was busy all the time.. And soon, i'll have less than enough time with her.. or.. is she avoiding me? It's starting to react, I'm starting to petrify myself.. Why this?

I don't want to return to whom i was. I don't want to lose everything again.. I don't want to be cruel and cold-blooded.. I'm doing my best to fight this.. so that i can still remain me.. but he's too strong for me to resist..

Distractions are useless.. i'm half-gone.. half petrified.. After tonight's sleep, i really wonder if i'm still me.. or was it yesterday? Please.. i hardly beg people to save me.. this will be once in a long while.. I want to be saved from him.. I'm starting to talk like him.. i wonder how long can i keep my heart safe from his grasp..

But of course, he may still have the basic etiquettes, manners, and kindness towards lesser lifeforms.. but it'll no longer be the same way for humans.. Please, don't let me be reaped by him.. I love her, he doesn't.. I know how to love, he doesn't.. I'm human, but he isn't (or at least he thinks he isn't).. So please..

***

Perhaps this dinner will be the final one with me being dominant.. Thank you, you really made my day today, even though i made you walk around in circles endlessly, you never complained or fussed about it.. Please, find someone who'll treat you well and stay happy. And if you do remember me, please do not talk to him for i'd fear he might hurt you.. (I don't mean him.. but me.. the other me = him).

***

I'm tired.. it's time.. and.. hopefully, i'll find a way to neutralize him once more (like back then.. when i started liking my tigress..) and i'd say i won't.. unless my tigress would.. I'm dejected.. hurt.. wounded.. by my own hands.. they're both stained with my own blood of existence.. I should be dead.. but i still like her.. maybe my feelings for my tigress would pull me through.. since my tears would after all.. bring back all those happy memories..

"Flashbacks work wonders... and so do those tears of relinquished emotions."

I miss her badly.. i hope he would too..

2007-12-09T21:43:00.000+08:00

Another day passes by.. another day of silence.. with me yearning in this worrysome state of mind.. I feel weird.. and i no longer have the right mind to write with depth.. What's going on? This frantic emotional mind is looking very much for a remedy to relieve its pain.. I constantly beseech it to endure.. but somehow, it's looking for better explanations to the current problems.. Explanations that require me to think rationally and weigh more pros and cons for all this madness that is to follow..

I miss her.. how i wished that she would save me from this tragedy that i'm facing now.. And then again, i'm afraid.. I'm so afraid.. it's just so heartbreaking for me if she'd choose to avoid me.. Why am i writing in this tone.. why have i decided to write that down? WHY AM I ASKING THESE BLATANTLY STUPID QUESTIONS??

I'd rather both of us face the problem as it is.. and attack the core of it.. please stop beating around the bushes.. we're both suffering here.. (i chose to believe that you're suffering too.. it's not that i'm being sadistic or whatnot.. it's just.. i'm just so regretful that i've put you through all this trouble...) And the more regretful i get, the more i hate myself.. Not because i'd start to feel for you.. it's because i've caused you so much harm.. That wasn't supposed to be how it should be.. By confessing to you doesn't mean that i should put you through more harm..

It's all my fault.. don't tell me that it isn't.. I'll tell you why. If i had thought of all the side effects before the enactment of the actual plan.. all this wouldn't have happened, i'd be still happily chatting away with you, my tigress, and not like now.. so alone.. thinking and thinking and thinking into nothingness. I'd still be able to give you happiness, in another way.. just that it'll be harder for me to take on my side.. i'm sorry.. i know no matter how many times i apologise, i'd not be able to salvage any situation..

I'll always be here.. to care for you, no matter how long it takes for you to realise.. that i really do feel that much for you. Even if you'd ever leave me someday, i'll always remember that you existed here and now (gosh.. i seem to write as if you're leaving me or somewhat.. *crosses fingers*.. please don't.. unless you're happier that way)

***

"For when you're with me, i've got nothing to fear. Not because you'd protect me from dangers, but because i must be strong enough to protect you from everything that you'd face, so that you'll live a life that's fraught of troubles and worries -- a life that's what you desire.."

--The Djinni--

2007-12-08T22:54:00.000+08:00

Apparently.. i broke my altruistic move.. and.. i think i went a bit too emotional.. this morning, 0003 hrs.. i wrote a bunch of stuff.. (but i didn't say anything bad.. it's all good to the ears.. so no worries) in my tigress' msn window after she went offline. and i can't imagine that i took 1 hour to completely unleash and cool down all my emotions.. I simply.. like her too much, and i just can't bear to lose her..

As a friend, my tigress is a bubbly, adorable and 'mature' lady who knows how to stone pretty well due to her plain laziness.. okok.. wait.. that sounds as if i'm criticising her.. She's unique, in a sense, because i can trust her.. She keeps saying that she's selfish.. but i can't feel it from her. I'm well-known for my pride and i'd be able to detect selfishness or any other dishonourable characteristics that a human would possess straight away. I just can't sense the selfishness that's supposed to emanate from within those words..

They say writers write for 80% viewership, 15% wealth and 5% of personal thoughts. I totally disapprove of that.. i'm a writer myself; i write for my cause and not for others; i write for my feelings and not for others as well; i write what i feel that is right.. i don't care if i'm condemned or whatever, i have the freedom to write what i want.. (or more or less so...)

She has integrated into my everyday life.. it suddenly feels that there is a certain need to be in contact with her daily.. without that, emptiness will start to butt in. Besides, she has already taken such a huge space in my heart and that my life would almost completely revolve around her if she'd accept me (well she accepts me as a person.. but not that way yet..).. and call that gravitation.. (nope.. she's not that massive.. although tigers are known to grow to a greater mass than homosapiens) Ok.. let's cut all that crap.

Every moment that i'd spend ever since i liked her, i'd think about her happiness. All i cared was her happiness, because i'm sure that as long as she's happy, i'll most likely follow suit. Some people might think that i'm altruistic or selfless for doing so.. since i disregard my own happiness for her sake (but i suppose my tigress doesn't want that, cos she isn't that bad), but seriously, the fact is that.. i can't find my own happiness by myself. I can only be happy when the people whom i cherish are happy. They bring me my happiness and in return, i live for their happiness -- that's my purpose in life.

So i wonder.. i wonder about what will be the result of losing my tigress.. the thought of it irks me, and i hate this feeling -- to lose someone you cherish -- it's really painful. Almost every moment now.. i'm worrying.. all because i'm too afraid to lose her. All because i'm afraid to face the emptiness that will come. But i somehow know, she might be happier without me around.. perhaps that's my only consolation for being selfless..

guess i'll just walk away with that consolation prize then.. i know i'm not good enough for my tigress.. it's obvious.. ain't it? i'm too useless.. i can't do anything without her around (erm.. around doesn't need to be physically around.. as in.. you know.. she's around, but she's not around..) I'll end off here..

2007-12-07T11:17:00.000+08:00

Time is short.. and i'd like to spend every moment i have with my tigress.. Sigh.. I wonder if people read blog posts twice.. hmm.. well, i do.. do you?

pardon me.. i need to think.. and think.. and think... and the more i think.. the more i start to miss her.. this is starting to get rather fruitless, i should stop typing now.. because all i can think of is her..

When i sit down and stare at blank space, the first thing that pops into my mind is not what that's gonna happen..
When i'm busy with work.. i've learnt how to multi-task (completing my work efficiently and thinking of her at the same time).
When i'm about to go crazy, i've learnt how to recover from it without the need to consume anything..

argh..
I'm no longer in the mood for games
I'm no longer in the mood for tv (even though i never really liked tv in the first place)
I'm no longer in the mood for anything.. without her.

Actually.. to repay my debt is only an excuse.. the reason behind it.. If there's a need for a reason, i'm just being altruistic towards my tigress... I'm not going anywhere, or gone anywhere.. i'm just here.. sitting in front of your msn window.. keeping quiet and staring at that your display picture (which you never really changed at all..)

haha.. you must think i'm crazy.. i yearn to speak to her so much.. and yet.. i'd rather be here suffering from those "withdrawal symptoms" for not talking to her.. all this effort, just to give her peace for a few days.. even though she said it once before, "n i like being bothered /<3"..

That's altruism.. but i'm unsure if it'll help her.. i meant.. the peace of mind that i'm giving now.. and i really wonder so..

2007-12-06T12:03:00.000+08:00

empty cans.. go clink clank clink clink.. clank..
empty bottles shatter and go.. prraannggg
empty stomachs go grumble grumbles... gurgle..
empty boxes go fmmmphh.. bomf.. bomf..
empty rooms go.. "hello?...... hello?"
empty halls go.. "hello?......................................................................... hello?"
empty papers go ruffle ruffles, flappss..
empty wooden blocks go clock.. clock clock..
empty blogs go...

empty websites make people go.. darn.. this stuff stinks..

emptiness.. can you see it?
emptiness.. can you feel it?
emptiness.. it's frightening.. i don't want to be here..

emptiness.. emptiness.. emptiness.. and what if you fill up emptiness with more emptiness.. i'll show you what you'll get..

emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..
emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..
emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..
emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..
emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..
emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..emptiness..

I start to think.. and think.. and then emptiness sets in.. engulfs my thoughts.. and.. i feel empty... wait.. so here's the question..

"What happens when you fill emptiness with emptiness?"
"How will you feel then? After all that filling of nothing into nothingness?"
"Will you feel lost? Will you feel.."

then what if emptiness is something? But of course.. it is something from the start to start with.. Sigh.. yea.. i feel lost.

2007-12-05T20:03:00.000+08:00

There are several things i'd wish to say. Regardless of what i'm about to say here, life still goes on.

4th December 2007
On that fateful night, i did something (nono.. please keep your mind straight.. i didn't do anything of that sort) i've never done before in the whole of my sickly life (so far).. and.. well, I was really happy to see my tigress all dressed to the nines.. (whereas for me.. i was in a ruddy black jacket with a pink long-sleeved shirt.. eek.. my tigress managed to guess it correctly, how startling..) (WAIT.. i forgot to mention that i wore pants too.. LONG BLACK FORMAL PANTS.. look.. it'd be bad to imagine me being half-naked)

So.. I got a small bouquet (a big yellowish sunflower to be specific..) as well as some other gifts.. well. hope ya liked it.. tigress.. haha..
For those who read this blog.. you might think that i'm rather ungentlemanly/rude for calling someone a tigress.. but seriously.. you won't see my usual self calling anyone else a tigress.. cos it'll get me into some really big trouble...

This post may well be dedicated to my tigress, because she's someone i cherish abundantly. Not many people take notice and read this blog of mine.. so you can put your mind at ease, tigress, as not many people will know what i'm gonna praise about you.. (but well, if you do want to let others know about it, then just give them my blog addy)

This is a short stanza on "I like...": (List is not exhaustive.. the rest are just.. indescribable)
I like the many facial expressions that she'd display, especially her smile.
I like the way she talks.
I like the way she tells me, "dun worry, be happy".
I like to look into her eyes, because they can talk to you even when she's stoning.
I like her kind nature.
I like her attitude.. plain laziness (LOL, now seriously, i do like her for that..).
I like the style in which she carries herself with.
I like that plain look that she has when she doesn't put in effort to doll herself up.
I like the way she understands whom i am.
I like the way she makes me existent.
I like the way she fills up my emptiness.
I like her for being there for me all the time..
I like her for having a mind of her own.
I like her voice.
I like her for being herself.

Gosh.. it all sounds sooo mushy.. but well, i daren't say too much, if not my tigress might start to bite/ roar at me..

Somehow.. it finally seems that i'm ending my search for a true friend.. (although.. i can't be too certain.. but.. i'm always prepared for the worst.. so i should be able to handle any tribulations that are to come by). To me, to love a friend to such a great extent such that it exceeds that brotherhood in arms shared among guys.. (No human can surpass the bond created by true friends.) True friends are those.. whom you can sacrifice your life or whatnot, in exchange for their happiness (this of which.. is fondly known to the public as that of a loving couple).

I have my theories.. I have my views and opinions in life that are so very different from those of the commonfolk. (mind you, don't call me a heretic, i've had enough of those names..)

I just want to tell my tigress that.. i trust her fully (even though it's rather insincere to write it here.. but i guess she'd be too busy to read.. haha.. i must always think for the worst scenario.. funny eh?) and that i want to be someone she can really count on and trust in future.. that's why i've planned everything ever since i was a child.. I knew that one day, i'll find my true friend, and that i'll never want to lose this person (unless i'm dead, or i'm unable to give her as much happiness as i promised..). That's the reason why i'm working so hard to secure my career, to secure my character and to polish it to perfection.. so that if i meet her someday, i'll be ready to protect and support her (I can promise you that, and i won't fail you unless i die.. lol.. i think really really far.. goodness..)

No worries, no one will know whom this tigress is other than the tigress herself. So you can keep your mind at ease. I won't sabotage you.. The reason why i write this is because.. you're THAT important to me. Smile always..

2007-11-28T22:25:00.000+08:00

I've done something i wouldn't do, but then again, on second thoughts, yea, sometimes i really don't understand why i put my blog address on my msn PM... Anyway.. getting on to the gist of what i want to say and what you may or may not want to read.

It's over, the times of which i waste upon stressing myself out for a future that's what i would dream of; it's finally over. And yet, why do i feel so saddened by the fact that it IS over? No one would comprehend how i'm feeling now... (pardon my lagg.. i've only managed to regain my consciousness today for this particular post.. so i'm more of recounting how i felt after all that devastation)

Well, anyways.. emptiness seeps in when you've got a life without stress.. DAMN, i live on stress, that's why my peers will never understand me, I LIVE ON STRESS!! I THRIVE ON IT!! I've done my best in tying up any loose ends, some of which would include forgetting some people (because people enter and leave our lives as and when they want to, i have no right over that. I only have the right to stay away from those i wish to forget, which is especially easy for me -- an introvert)

But there are some, some of whom i'll never forget. And these very few people hold their places well in my heart (so very few that i can list them all here without much trouble.. shan't state the name, just a description of what i'd like to thank them for.. even though they don't come here to read my blog anymore, haha.. sadly yes, they don't)

To my ex, i realised that i wouldn't call you an ex (surely you won't want to become X-men), cos we only spent 3 days together.. haha.. yea.. I was very happy. I enjoyed every moment with you, even that chatting on the phone for roughly 2 ~ 3hrs? haha.. i kinda forgot.. but i think i remembered correctly. (don't worry, i'm not writing this to send you on some guilt trip.. just my recollections in case i forgot anything.. my memory is failing me) We cliqued really well didn't we? i even spent great effort vetting your notes, making sure that you learnt the right thing, clarifying your doubts at the same time (but ever since we "broke up", you never came to me anymore.. sigh, guess all humans end up that way when they can't face one another..) I shouldn't write too much about you, it brings back fond memories of the breakup in which i don't wish to recall. Ok, i'm done recollecting you.

To my clique (or should i say.. my past clique, since only 1 or 2 bothered about whether i was happy with them or not..) , my best friend was innit, but he sorta chose to be the best friend of someone else (never told him any of my troubles.. never really told anyone, that's fine anyway -- no investment, no loss) So what i lost were actually just a friend or two, at least they were once friends. Speaking of which, i can count my friends using only my left hand!! WOW, amazing.. nevermind, that's just part and parcel of life.. and the fondly defined term of a "friend" merely holds lowly existence in my life.. To me, a friend is someone to trust.. and it's such a pity that i can't really trust anyone around me. (not to say that they cannot be trusted, but just to imply so.)

To those 2 people from the clique who actually cared, you have my gratitude and that i shall always be there if you had a favour to ask for.

To my fellow "sister"/ penpal, i'm glad we met, i'm glad i could trust you, i'm glad we talked. I'm glad you understood how i felt, but you totally didn't understand how much importance it is to keep to your promises. That was your stumbling block.. not my fault. Nothing much to say, so i shall move on..

To the one whom had just adopted Grace, well done in bringing yourself a basket of joy; i'm happy for you. Stay committed, don't stray off.. You must always keep in mind that this is your first dog, and it will never be the last; because you've already fallen into the trap in which your kindness had placed on you... make good use of it. I'm usually locked in my own world.. but somehow you managed to break through that front lock and made your entrance (rather startling for me, i'd say - you were the second one who managed to make such an entrance to my life, a refreshing start which is commendable).

Last but not least.. to the one who's been listening to me all this while.. my tigress (haha.. only i'd call you that, so don't worry about it, whatever i'm saying here, only you'd be able to understand it) I asked you a question that you've yet to answer... you said you needed more time to think.. haha.. but i think the answer should be pretty obvious. Or that's at least my slight guess... you said some people like wordy posts.. (like you).. really, i can't believe someone as lazy and slacker-ish as you would like to spend your time on long-ish posts of my nonsense.. but soon i guess everything will fade with time.. you'll meet new people, others whom are more capable of taking care of you than me (if i did take care of you.. but i think i only cared for you); i'll be forgotten by then (pardon my pessimism, i'm just like that...) because you'd have better things to do...

By having lesser time to spend with you in future... it will certainly hurt our relationship (nono.. i don't mean that, but i mean that - please try to understand what i mean by that and that) and i don't wish for that to happen. But i know i can't keep the tigress bound to the ground. haha.. tigress' are supposed to roam freely.. argh.. what am i saying.. drifting off abit.. I'm actually writing all this because i want to thank those whom have given me joy within these 2 pathetic years in my life.

ok.. nevermind.. i've said too much..

2007-09-20T21:34:00.000+08:00

I hate short entries... and i know readers love them.

I hate the world, and i know they hate me too. They hate my pride when i despise theirs.

I just need my own space for my own dimension to exist.. I'm already trying so hard not to cease from existence in this world.. Must they all do this to me? Am i really redundant?

Tsk.. pathetic. If you set the rules to something, then you'd jolly well stick to it and not make everyone else abide by it. I'm no multi-tasker, neither am i some eternal robot.

If being nice to humans would equate to me being manipulated, then i'd rather not co-exist with them. We're different races altogether and that we can't get along with each other anyway.

I have already lived alone for the past few weeks at work; it wouldn't hurt if i lived alone this way in my own habitat as well.

Pay attention fools... I have no tolerance towards childishness and blame-shifting; i despise those who betray or cheat on others. If my kind soul is what you savages feast upon, then face my wrath as time prevails!!

2007-09-15T21:15:00.000+08:00

I changed the BGM again... If you're reading my blog, please, stop reading for a moment and listen to this song. It's taken from a game by Squaresoft, some of you may know it, Final Fantasy X. The title of this song is "To Zanarkand". I've played the game, completed it as well (I'm one heck of a gamer if you didn't know, but i don't really tell people about it).

Listen to it, feel the emotions that surge through you as the music resonates your heart. Every note feels so significant... it's as though this piece of music is telling my story. If you knew me (as in.. if we were close enough), then you'd know why; nonetheless, it's regretful to say that no one knows me well enough to tell my story through listening to songs. Sigh..
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I suppose you should be checking out my other tabs above to see if i made any changes. Well, yes indeed i have. The short prose under "Crapper" was taken from my novel-to-be. Currently it's not finished yet, cos i'm rather busy with my life, and that i only write it when i've got inspiration... (which i don't really have recently due the the endless memorising of certain facts that are required for me to attain my EOY goals).
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Someone used to tell me, "Why'd people be interested to read a sad blog like yours? They'd rather spend hours reading other blogs with user-posted pictures and videos..."

I said nothing. I didn't want to change. It's me, I'm like that. This is my style. I use words to draw pictures, I use words to depict videos. It's all up to the readers' imagination.

Sometimes i wonder why i'm keeping a blog. Is it really a place for me to express myself freely? Or is it just a part of me that craves for attention... Or should i say that i already have the answer to my question and yet i'm still trying to confirm it with more questions...

I've seen the blogs of my peers; some were as professional as journalists (gosh, that's not a blog that they're keeping...); some were merely daily rantings and delights. Perhaps you'd prefer theirs?
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"So what is it that you ask of me?" The surroundings grew silent, only the howl of the wind could be heard. The scent of death beckons Zephyr, yet he's still bent on shielding his pal from any danger that would materialize.

"It's time you left this world - FOR GOOD!"

Zephyr staggered before his bosom friend, with a wound that was deeper than none other - a stab in the heart... The Djinni never knew he had one; he'd always thought he was invincible, never to be affected by emotional distress. Yet, his friend had betrayed him, leaving him to face unknown dangers - alone.

Ned fled for his life from Zephyr. He knew very well that all Djinn are bloodthirsty fiends who kill without batting an eyelid. Despite the vast intelligence that Ned had on Djinn, he was wrong about how loyal Zephyr was to his summoner. Zephyr would never hurt him, even if he was the nastiest summoner among all who craved for his power.

***

I stared at my wound in shock, but of course... this was nothing to bother my physical body. Fishing out a pack of cards in my pocket, I placed my right palm onto it, imparting my beliefs in it. It lit up with a sickly green glow, somewhat telling me to stop overexerting myself.

"May I be blessed by the Ace of Pentacles for full recovery, with that, i set my promise to Ned as my sacrifice," I muttered away as the card drank my blood.

Within seconds, the pain was gone - I was as good as new, and free as well...

-- To be continued --

2007-08-24T22:56:00.000+08:00

4 months ago... I wrote about emotions and how they were conserved. And here I am today listless and unfeeling...

Did I kill them? Somehow, somewhere, deep in my heart, there's this... i dunno what's that thing.. it's just so "dead".

I wonder why my paragraphs appear so short... perhaps it's just lethargy from all that mindless zombie-ish studying late into the night. I wonder what should i start this entry with... perhaps my latest poem would be worth reading...

Title: S T R A N G E R S

Distant…
So very distant;
Those memories that drifted with the wind,
No longer can they be seen.

That’s reality;
There’s no liberty.
Those strides we took in differing directions,
Like the compass without precision.

Sardonic…
So very sardonic;
That tormented laughter echoing from within;
Relationships wearing thin.

Those dreams;
Smashed to smithereens.
That hypocrisy present in empathy;
The end of our affinity.

Forsaken…
So very forsaken;
Consolation for the efforts I’ve tried,
Mourning for the love that died.

Writhing in pain;
A pact slain.
Creased emotions that ripped apart;
Melancholy in our hearts.
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Perhaps the only way in which i can express myself would be poetry writing. Anyway, i changed the background music for my blog (your ears should be telling you so, if not, it'd be you forgetting to turn on the speakers that are plugged into your computer). Also added another personality test thingy under the craptastic tabby.. check it out if you're interested (otherwise, don't bother, for no apparent reason, yes, please don't bother).
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Prelims are round the corner.. Approximately 6 days from now... stressed, aren't we? From the way we spoke to one another, i sense your anxiety... but could you see mine? Perhaps all of you are too busy with your own lives, so much that my existence starts to fade in your hearts. As i dematerialize, yours would too in mine. I'm so sorry that it's no longer my fault; so sorry that all of you can't blame me anymore... I feel nothing. Nothing at all.

Why should i bother to explain? I'm not gonna give in anyway... It's high time that i drove all of you outta my life... It's time i should return to seclusion... to my world that's without emotions. The longer you stay, the more glasses you shatter, it's hard for me to clear the mess...

Are there really people in this world whom are selfless by nature? I admit that i'm not one... but i'd give my fullest if you're worth my time (perhaps until someone unlocks that oak door again.. I should remain dormant, slumbering away in my colourless dimension)
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I just mentioned about locking myself in my world... yet recently, and only recently, i heard a knock on my door. Should i open it? Should i respond to it? And if i should, why should i? Perhaps that would be my newfound hope? But what if this hope turns out to be a disaster after all? I wonder if i can still take anymore of this...

You might say that i'm always tangled with this thing called "love"... the truth is... I'm not. I merely want someone who understands me. Someone who speaks in coherence with me. And of course, as we speak of this topic right now... I'm pondering if i should elaborate -- i don't have much existence left to tell of others. Neither do i have much energy to sustain the capacity of the existence that i'm contained within.

Weary... yet i don't feel any emotional shifts in any way... All i know is that i'm really tired of all these fruitless relationships (not just BGR, everything else other than my family..)
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Should i reciprocate? She really reminds me of someone, someone i thought i knew long ago... It's a different feeling... and it feels as if my emotions were ressurrected from the dead. This feeling of warmth... it's returning slowly. but of course, to the rest of those acquaintances... It's only best to remain cold; i've been left out in the cold for too long now...

Then again, i heard my voice echoing through my brain... It's my life, why should it be controlled by others? Why should they dictate my life? Why can't i have full control? Why are emotions of such hindrance? Why do we even have emotions when they are such petty feelings that we experience in relationships? Gosh.. it doesn't really make any sense to you, does it?

I feel detached from everyone, it's almost as thought there's this generation gap between all of us. And yet, there this single person, whom had only known me for 1.5 months... Well done... really..

2007-04-20T19:13:00.000+08:00

It's been aeons... I haven't been here for... 2 months? That's right... i won't be back here without a reason... and today, with accordance to my emotions, i shall share with my readers a teeny-weeny bit of my very-own philosophies...

I'm sure many of you realised the importance of emotions in your lives (well.. mine as well..). In any case, one can never live as a human without emotions... even the "cruel-est" of all people have that little bit of compassion. For instance, Adolf Hitler, that German dictator; well, he's cool, i mean i admire his confidence and such... however, to most average humans today whom have studied history, Hitler is regarded as a cruel and selfish brat who doesn't quite fancy the idea of having Jews on Mother Earth... ok.. some regard him as insane or past senile (but those are just opinions, we have all the right to accept or to reject them).

In contrast, lemme set you in Hitler's shoes. Imagine, what amount of courage would it take to be able to stand up in front of the crowd to express your own views in order to gain support? That's one hell lot of courage, i presume... So where does all this courage come from? For those whom have studied his biography, it was his past that had led him to such a state (a ruddy principle-minded chap). Think of it.. all his wretch and hatred in him... aren't those emotions? So let me question you once more... How do you define emotions? Nope, don't tell me to refer to www.dictionary.com cos that's not gonna help you (i dunno why, but i just think so..)

"The Principle of Conservation of Emotions states that emotions cannot be created or destroyed; it can only be converted from one form to another."

Every human being has a fixed value of emotions (if the level of emotions were ever measured with a scale) which can be figuratively expressed through pressure meters in pipe pressure controls. Each meter would represent an emotion... just as each meter would measure different valve pressures and etc...

Basically, the concept is just: an increase in intensity in any ONE emotion will lead to a decrease in intensity in a separate emotion. For example, when you take an apple from basket 1 and you can't eat it... you'll eventually throw it into basket 2. whatever.. equivalence is necessary to retain your sanity.

Another relevant (LAYMAN) example would be... "I was really happy today!! but someone punched me in the face outta nowhere and now i'm brimming with anger!!" What does this tell you? Happiness has been converted to Anger.... (:D >> /:O ok.. fine, i dunno how to type smilies..)
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Somehow... it's due to my philosophies that i'm feeling so down all the time... but nonetheless... i guess even if i write this here, none would know who i'm talking about (well i always write in such a way... leaving people in doubt about who i'm referring to...)

Frustrated... no one would understand what i'm thinking... i can't tell anyone... i don't want to tell anyone.. No one seems to tell me things in the correct fashion... i can't tell anyone anything in the correct fashion... I can't speak their language... they can't speak mine, I live in my world, they live in theirs. I'm happy, they're happy. Once we cross our paths, all hell breaks loose. Everyone... nothing... existence... not me.. i'm not fading... they are fading in my memory. Where am i headed? Why am i here in their world? When did i arrive? When can i leave? I'm the minority... i should leave...
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"She stole my heart away... leaving me pining for my loss;
Perserverence was my ray... better than a coin to toss.
The day which barren ground bears moss... that's when i'd choose to say;
'Like whom i once was... the love that used to weigh?"